Spiritual Projects

Spiritual matters have been on my mind lately. I suppose that coming to peace with existential realities is the ultimate project. Funny, this is something that I thought I'd resolved a long time ago, but as life changes we are forced to evolve.

I "became a Christian" at age 15, and it worked for me. I found answers to all of my questions, and suddenly belonged to a large loving family. In a confusing world with too many choices and avenues, suddenly I had a path. I could see the outline of my life, and it was beautiful. I envisioned a life of service and devotion to God. I saw children- several. For many years, I've approached life as a future parent. I've saved things from my life- objects, photos, lessons learned- with the hope and expectation that I would share them with my children. I've processed events in my life and in the world at large as "teachable moments" (to quote the president).

Well, I'm 34 years old now, and at my last doctor's appointment I mentioned my desire to have a child. I am well aware that the risk of birth defects such as Down Syndrome seem to increase radically after age 35. My doctor assured me that a difference of a few months (conceiving at age 34 vs age 35) isn't that significant, and reminded me that many women have healthy babies later in life- even into their forties. Still, my plan has been to start "trying" as soon as possible after the wedding. I've been making changes- discontinuing some medication, most notably- and it has been an easy transition. But interestingly, it doesn't seem as important now. I've made changes, I've sought to prepare myself- and my heart is saying, "Maybe I don't need to be a mom afterall." WOW. This is strange.

I have grieved SO MUCH for the loss of the life that I wanted- the life I imagined as an idealistic teen. When my career plans didn't materialize (not once, but several times), I grieved. When my father grew ill, and it became clear that neither my future spouse nor my future children would know him, I grieved. When my grandparents passed away, and again it became clear that my future children wouldn't know these amazing people who truly meant the world to me, I grieved. The pain was beyond words.

I have a much different life than the one I wanted and planned for. I expected God to provide certain things, because I just knew they were what I needed to live a life that would be pleasing. What I've learned is that living a certain life- with husband and children, with a particular career path- isn't the only way to honor my Creator and to achieve my full potential in life.

I have different beliefs now than I did as a teen/ young adult. I'm hoping I can find a spiritual family where my current beliefs and lifestyle choices are both welcome and validated. I'm looking for a church where the James Dobson/Focus On The Family view of life (as I remember it from my teenage years) isn't the gold standard for a well-lived life.