I did it again. I bought another wedding gown on ebay. What's wrong with me?! I just can't help myself. Fortunately, I'm not spending a lot of money (this last one was an inexpensive jcrew gown marked down to just over a hundred bucks) but still... I should be working with what I already have! Good grief!
So I'm now starting week 4 of Optifast... It's going ok. This despite cheating a lot last week. Oh well, you know what they say... When you fall off the horse, get back on! The "cheating" began because I wanted to try out chewing on the left side of my mouth, so I grabbed a handful of Cracklin' Oat Bran one morning. Verdict: still tender. I haven't had to use my chompers over the past few weeks, but when I was chewing a stick of gum one day I noticed tenderness/pain in an area where I got a cavity filled a few weeks ago. Oh my! I've never had a poor dental outcome before! Let's hope it's nothing! I continued my cheating spree a few more times with a few more things, including wedding cake. What can I say, I can't pick out a wedding cake without tasting it! Despite being plied with several exotic taste combinations, in the end my honey and I decided to go with a time-honored classic- light chiffon with strawberries and bananas cut up between the layers. Yum-yum. Simple but sweet!
With the cheating, my total weight loss for the week was about 2.2 pounds. Not phenomenal, but not horrid, either. My grand total is now just under 12 pounds. I'm starting to receive compliments (from co-workers and from R) so I guess it's becoming noticeable. That's cool. I've still got a ways to go, however. I notice it when I try to do things like sit down in the bathtub-- I go down with a thud! What happened to the graceful me?! By "graceful" of course I mean the athletic me. I've always had two left feet, but at least I had a level of athleticism and strength to prevent things like teetering around in the tub! I've never been "thin" exactly. Funny, but I never really wanted to be! My lightest as an adult was 118, and that was fabulous but not thin considering my height. I just don't feel the need to be tiny (maybe because of the E saga). I don't associate being tiny with good health... In fact I really like having a little bit of fat in the right places! So we'll see what I decide to do as the weeks go on in this program. Since people often gain as much as 50% of their total weight loss back, maybe I'll set my target a little lower than my former "set point" weight of 125. The program is 20 weeks altogether, so I have time to figure it out!
Last night we had a speaker... a radiant 53 year old business woman who dropped 100 pounds and now maintains her weight at a trim 120. Quite inspiring! One of her comments was that people from her class who cheated on the program were ultimately unsuccessful. You can't overcome cravings if you're constantly giving in to them, even if it's just a chip here or a piece of candy there. I left the meeting with new resolve. No cheating this week!
One thing she said that spoke to me was that she had an "ah-ha" moment in the program in which she realized that her relationship with food was a passive one. She's a successful woman and has always considered herself very strong and assertive, and she is in every other area of her life... But with food, she felt powerless and allowed herself to be out of control. She also told herself, "I'm not an exerciser"- she didn't think she could ever become one. Now she realizes that because she is a strong and assertive person, there is no reason why she can't be that way in every area of her life. So she made a conscious decision to take control, and she has succeeded.
Why this spoke to me: I want to be a woman like she is. I feel strong on the inside, and I want to be strong on the outside. I want to project strength and assertiveness. I want to be in control of my life. I'm not that person. I've heard it from other people- "You lack assertiveness"- and I guess I don't quite get it. I feel like I'm incredibly assertive when I need to be. But maybe that's the problem... It's on an "as needed" basis, and often I don't feel like it's necessary to have a voice. I hope I can find it.
I've always longed for marriage and a family, and I think part of it it simply being able to pour myself into improving someone else's life... I want to give. I feel like I find purpose in building up others. Part of that is noble and worthwhile, but part of it is simply avoiding my own life. Whether or not I become a mom, and regardless of what happens in my marriage to R, I really hope I can learn to be strong and to be my own biggest fan. When I see confidence and strength in others, I'm drawn to it and I admire them for it. Even as they toot their own horn, I'm in the cheerleading section backing them up. I wonder why I can't do the same for myself? Just something to ponder and work on.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Orchid Invasion
I'm sitting in my office at home (What a treat! It seems like I usually blog from work), thinking about nothing in particular. I just got home from my Optifast meeting. It seems my total weight loss for the week was not quite as generous as I thought (more like 3 pounds, not 5), but that's ok. I'm feeling better, I'm looking better... and that's what it's about, not numbers. Best of all, I'm learning skills from the literature that is part of the class. Tonight we discussed cues-- overeating can be caused by three main types of cues: social, internal, and external. External might be something like a restaurant commercial, social is self explanatory (the breakroom at work being the biggie for me!). It's the internal cues that are more interesting-- things like fatigue (my other biggie!!!!), loneliness, boredom. I've mentioned before that I think much of what I'm learning is relevant to E, but tonight I made another realization- much of what I'm learning applies to a lot of the other bad habits that I've picked up, which have nothing to do with food.
Some people eat when they're tired, bored, lonely... I suppose I do on occasion, but a much more attractive outlet for me has always been the computer (and so here I sit!). I'm an information fiend, so it's quite the temptation. I think in 2010 I will cut back. It's been a goal of mine for a while, but it's not a super pressing one so it's easy to overlook. I realize now that while it's an activity that I enjoy, it's probably time to find a substitute that has a physical component. I was thrilled when I came across this awesome desk on Amazon.com: http://www.trekdesk.com/. It would be a start to a healthier lifestyle, but just a start. Why not make a clean break and pick up some new hobbies that take me out of the office entirely?
I don't have to look far. At the moment, there are approximately 25 orchids in the house, and many more in our greenhouse outdoors! It is mainly R's hobby, but I enjoy it, too. My grandmother grew cymbidiums, and I know she would be thrilled that we still have a few from her yard. Maybe over the coming months I'll devote more energy to our orchids and ever expanding collection of succulents. Blogging is therapeutic, but facebook and endless web searches are becoming increasingly tedious. It's time to get my hands dirty!
Some people eat when they're tired, bored, lonely... I suppose I do on occasion, but a much more attractive outlet for me has always been the computer (and so here I sit!). I'm an information fiend, so it's quite the temptation. I think in 2010 I will cut back. It's been a goal of mine for a while, but it's not a super pressing one so it's easy to overlook. I realize now that while it's an activity that I enjoy, it's probably time to find a substitute that has a physical component. I was thrilled when I came across this awesome desk on Amazon.com: http://www.trekdesk.com/. It would be a start to a healthier lifestyle, but just a start. Why not make a clean break and pick up some new hobbies that take me out of the office entirely?
I don't have to look far. At the moment, there are approximately 25 orchids in the house, and many more in our greenhouse outdoors! It is mainly R's hobby, but I enjoy it, too. My grandmother grew cymbidiums, and I know she would be thrilled that we still have a few from her yard. Maybe over the coming months I'll devote more energy to our orchids and ever expanding collection of succulents. Blogging is therapeutic, but facebook and endless web searches are becoming increasingly tedious. It's time to get my hands dirty!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
Last night during the Superbowl, I took the opportunity to attempt to squeeze into my favorite jeans, then spun around in them so that R could see my progress so far. According to the scale, I've lost nearly ten pounds since starting the Optifast program. I can now squeeze into my jeans and even fasten them (but with considerable difficulty and significant "muffin top", so I won't be wearing them out anytime soon!). More importantly, though, I feel better, and my metabolic age (as relayed to me by my fancy Tanita scale) is slowly coming back into line with my chronological age. I'm still about ten years away from my actual age! Yikes.
A year ago I was happy to hop onto the scale, because I was always guaranteed a brag worthy number... Usually in the mid- 20's. R and I would laugh about what the scale told us... He would frequently get brag worthy numbers, too! Even though he's 15 years older, the scale would tell us a different story, and we'd laugh about how he was with an "older woman". I didn't mind being a few years his metabolic senior, but then a few years became a few decades. When my visceral fat rating began to jump, I knew it was time to take action.
So here I am. The program isn't easy, but seeing progress makes it worthwhile. The past few nights I've cheated a bit by substituting my last two shakes for plates of cooked edamame... Today I feel a renewed sense of willpower to continue. On my desk beside me are two photos, one from before I put on the weight, the second, after. It's sobering:
I look forward to adding a third picture in a few months time-- one that shows me back at my usual weight. I'm eager to be done with this chapter of my life so that I can move on to more important things. Today just happens to be the first day of the Spring semester at the local community colleges. I thought seriously about picking up a class, but with wedding prep and the weight loss program, I think I have enough on my plate for now. Perhaps in the summer or by next fall I'll be ready to do more! I hope so.
A year ago I was happy to hop onto the scale, because I was always guaranteed a brag worthy number... Usually in the mid- 20's. R and I would laugh about what the scale told us... He would frequently get brag worthy numbers, too! Even though he's 15 years older, the scale would tell us a different story, and we'd laugh about how he was with an "older woman". I didn't mind being a few years his metabolic senior, but then a few years became a few decades. When my visceral fat rating began to jump, I knew it was time to take action.
So here I am. The program isn't easy, but seeing progress makes it worthwhile. The past few nights I've cheated a bit by substituting my last two shakes for plates of cooked edamame... Today I feel a renewed sense of willpower to continue. On my desk beside me are two photos, one from before I put on the weight, the second, after. It's sobering:
Thursday, February 4, 2010
E Overload
Yes, I'm starting off a new day and a new entry with more E obsessiveness. Just to write that the "Lies and Deception" entry was right on the money... tragically. It's certainly not the kind of thing you want to be correct about. Emily and her dad spoke on Tuesday night, and when he pressed her about why she left UCLA, she admitted it was because she was "feeling too confined." She did not have a partial hospitalization program lined up, and has spent the past week hanging out at home. So that's that. I think her dad is disgusted with her, and to be honest, so am I.
At this moment, her wedding invitation is sitting on the dresser in our bedroom, and neither one of us wants to send it. I just started putting together a wedding website, and I didn't include her in an entry about attendants. Her bridesmaids' dress is hanging in the closet beside the one my sister will wear... When she saw it for the first time a month or so, the first words out of her mouth were, "Why does it look like it's the same size as hers?" My petite sister will be wearing an 8... E's dress was ordered in a size 2. And the 2 is probably much too big, but it was the smallest size that could be ordered at David's Bridal.
Before she entered this last round of treatment, I was all set to have her participate in the wedding, even though it meant that all eyes would be on her, even though it likely meant an endless stream of questions about her health, or worse, the unspoken questions that would make everyone uncomfortable. I was willing to go there because I care about her and I want her to feel included in our important day.
Now, I'm not so sure. I think this latest treatment attempt was nothing less than theatrics. That may sound harsh, but I don't see any effort on her part. It is still all a game.
My birthday was theatrics, and it's exhausting. I don't want it on my wedding day. On my birthday, the three of us met up at a Cuban restaurant near the condo where we used to live in Torrance. We watched the restaurant as it was being built, then moved shortly before it opened, so we had been curious about it. It wasn't, however, my restaurant of choice for my birthday... But E kept talking about it, so she and her dad decided that's where we would go. R planned to meet us there, so it was my job to pick up E. From the moment she stepped into my car, it was an exhausting evening. She was exuding happiness and a positive attitude to the extreme, making all kinds of strange comments about how she''d spent the day "blessing others" by "giving them a smile"... I didn't recognize her, because while the sentiments were nice, she was over the top. When we got to the restaurant, her dad picked up on it immediately, too. Who was this child with us? I tried to keep an open mind... Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She had been reading the book A Purpose Driven Life, so I was hopeful that she was simply taking the message of the book to heart. The thing was, it was so incredibly over the top... Larger than life. Emily used to talk about becoming an actress, so she has a knack for the dramatic anyway.
The evening became more extreme when it became clear that despite her desire to come to this restaurant, she wouldn't be ordering anything from the menu. Nothing met her standards. She had in fact had the takeout menu in her possession for a while, but as she looked over the dinner menu she remarked that it was completely different. She finally asked for grilled vegetables, but they didn't have the vegetables she wanted fresh... So at this restaurant that was really her idea, she ate a plate of grilled vegetables that came from a can (or were frozen- I don't remember), then raved endlessly to the waitstaff about how incredible it was. I couldn't wait for my birthday to end. Finally the evening was over, but I was faced with driving her home. I had been hoping she could ride home with her dad so that I could stop and do some errands on the way home, and decompress a little bit... But I couldn't find a way to say what I wanted in a non-hurtful manner, so I took her home (stopping half-halfheartedly at a store along the way, just to make it seem as though I wasn't in a rush to rid myself of her company).
"Worst birthday ever?" Maybe. I try not to be overly critical because part of the problem with eating disorder patients (or so I've read) is that they don't have a strong sense of self... So all the theatrics may just have been part of an ongoing attempt to find herself. Her behavior is not ever malicious.. Just inappropriate. But again, it's not something I want to deal with on my wedding day! She really got our hopes up when she checked into treatment... She was displaying a long absent maturity and sense of personal responsibility. It is devastating to see that it was a performance and not true change.
At this moment, her wedding invitation is sitting on the dresser in our bedroom, and neither one of us wants to send it. I just started putting together a wedding website, and I didn't include her in an entry about attendants. Her bridesmaids' dress is hanging in the closet beside the one my sister will wear... When she saw it for the first time a month or so, the first words out of her mouth were, "Why does it look like it's the same size as hers?" My petite sister will be wearing an 8... E's dress was ordered in a size 2. And the 2 is probably much too big, but it was the smallest size that could be ordered at David's Bridal.
Before she entered this last round of treatment, I was all set to have her participate in the wedding, even though it meant that all eyes would be on her, even though it likely meant an endless stream of questions about her health, or worse, the unspoken questions that would make everyone uncomfortable. I was willing to go there because I care about her and I want her to feel included in our important day.
Now, I'm not so sure. I think this latest treatment attempt was nothing less than theatrics. That may sound harsh, but I don't see any effort on her part. It is still all a game.
My birthday was theatrics, and it's exhausting. I don't want it on my wedding day. On my birthday, the three of us met up at a Cuban restaurant near the condo where we used to live in Torrance. We watched the restaurant as it was being built, then moved shortly before it opened, so we had been curious about it. It wasn't, however, my restaurant of choice for my birthday... But E kept talking about it, so she and her dad decided that's where we would go. R planned to meet us there, so it was my job to pick up E. From the moment she stepped into my car, it was an exhausting evening. She was exuding happiness and a positive attitude to the extreme, making all kinds of strange comments about how she''d spent the day "blessing others" by "giving them a smile"... I didn't recognize her, because while the sentiments were nice, she was over the top. When we got to the restaurant, her dad picked up on it immediately, too. Who was this child with us? I tried to keep an open mind... Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She had been reading the book A Purpose Driven Life, so I was hopeful that she was simply taking the message of the book to heart. The thing was, it was so incredibly over the top... Larger than life. Emily used to talk about becoming an actress, so she has a knack for the dramatic anyway.
The evening became more extreme when it became clear that despite her desire to come to this restaurant, she wouldn't be ordering anything from the menu. Nothing met her standards. She had in fact had the takeout menu in her possession for a while, but as she looked over the dinner menu she remarked that it was completely different. She finally asked for grilled vegetables, but they didn't have the vegetables she wanted fresh... So at this restaurant that was really her idea, she ate a plate of grilled vegetables that came from a can (or were frozen- I don't remember), then raved endlessly to the waitstaff about how incredible it was. I couldn't wait for my birthday to end. Finally the evening was over, but I was faced with driving her home. I had been hoping she could ride home with her dad so that I could stop and do some errands on the way home, and decompress a little bit... But I couldn't find a way to say what I wanted in a non-hurtful manner, so I took her home (stopping half-halfheartedly at a store along the way, just to make it seem as though I wasn't in a rush to rid myself of her company).
"Worst birthday ever?" Maybe. I try not to be overly critical because part of the problem with eating disorder patients (or so I've read) is that they don't have a strong sense of self... So all the theatrics may just have been part of an ongoing attempt to find herself. Her behavior is not ever malicious.. Just inappropriate. But again, it's not something I want to deal with on my wedding day! She really got our hopes up when she checked into treatment... She was displaying a long absent maturity and sense of personal responsibility. It is devastating to see that it was a performance and not true change.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
First Week in Review
I'm one day short of my first week in the Optifast program. So far, it's going pretty well. It's funny that I've been so panicked about Emily finding out. What I'm doing is not about becoming skinny, it's about regaining my health. Unlike an eating disorder, my weight loss is being monitored by medical professionals via labs and medical checks. If my health is at all compromised by the low cal regimen, it will be noticed and corrected immediately.
The program consists of 5 shakes a day at 150 calories each, for a total of about 800 calories a day. It is mandatory to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, and it is mandatory to attend weekly educational classes. When I attended my first class last Wednesday, I received a thick binder filled with educational materials. I've been reading ahead, and have come across so many articles that are applicable not only to my situation but also would apply to disorders such as E's.
One of the very first articles I read had to do with the importance of drinking water, and includes the following information: "Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and begins to hold onto every drop. Water is stored in the extracellular spaces. This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands." Gee, I wish I'd had access to this information when E was at Rosewood Ranch in Arizona, fearful that her edematous ankles indicated the beginnings of renal failure! Of course, this material is an oversimplification, but it's useful nonetheless.
There are also articles about personal responsibility ("internal vs. external locus of control") that apply to her situation... But here I go again, focusing my blog and attention on E!
If I want to psychoanalyze myself, it's easy to understand my eagerness to focus on others and reluctance to focus on myself... When I focus on myself, I have to acknowledge all the things that are wrong in my life. Fortunately, it's a relatively short list! In 2010, I hope to deal with a lot of it. At the top of the list: feeling like a failure career-wise. I've become a serious underachiever. Is it low self-esteem? I don't know. All I know is that most UC Berkeley grads do not go out into the world and immediately settle for a super-easy, low-paying job. Even when they suffer setbacks, most people are resilient enough to keep the bar for themselves set high. They don't give up as readily. I am so incredibly failure-averse. I experience a setback and immediately drop the bar down to my ankles to avoid the feeling again. What is up with that??
I must constantly remind myself that I spent a decade in survival mode, dealing with a lot of things that would make anyone feel tired and weak. It's tough losing loved ones, and it was beyond tough having a front row seat to my grandmother's cancer. I was the one who was with her day in, day out... That's a big deal, so I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit. Before the experience, I felt like I could take on the world. I spent a lot of my life afraid to try, and I've returned to that place... But there were several years there when I was strong. There was a time when I aspired to do amazing things, even medical school. I'm smart enough to know that I didn't stand much of a chance with a traditional program, but I was very close to applying to Caribbean schools and DO programs. I think about that now, and it's laugh-out-loud funny. I can't imagine myself in such a role! But maybe with time and effort, I'll regain a little bit of that confidence. Just a bit of it would be wonderful.
I'd love to feel capable of doing something beyond what I'm doing now. It's time to cast off survival mode, and begin to fully experience life again.
The program consists of 5 shakes a day at 150 calories each, for a total of about 800 calories a day. It is mandatory to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, and it is mandatory to attend weekly educational classes. When I attended my first class last Wednesday, I received a thick binder filled with educational materials. I've been reading ahead, and have come across so many articles that are applicable not only to my situation but also would apply to disorders such as E's.
One of the very first articles I read had to do with the importance of drinking water, and includes the following information: "Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and begins to hold onto every drop. Water is stored in the extracellular spaces. This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands." Gee, I wish I'd had access to this information when E was at Rosewood Ranch in Arizona, fearful that her edematous ankles indicated the beginnings of renal failure! Of course, this material is an oversimplification, but it's useful nonetheless.
There are also articles about personal responsibility ("internal vs. external locus of control") that apply to her situation... But here I go again, focusing my blog and attention on E!
If I want to psychoanalyze myself, it's easy to understand my eagerness to focus on others and reluctance to focus on myself... When I focus on myself, I have to acknowledge all the things that are wrong in my life. Fortunately, it's a relatively short list! In 2010, I hope to deal with a lot of it. At the top of the list: feeling like a failure career-wise. I've become a serious underachiever. Is it low self-esteem? I don't know. All I know is that most UC Berkeley grads do not go out into the world and immediately settle for a super-easy, low-paying job. Even when they suffer setbacks, most people are resilient enough to keep the bar for themselves set high. They don't give up as readily. I am so incredibly failure-averse. I experience a setback and immediately drop the bar down to my ankles to avoid the feeling again. What is up with that??
I must constantly remind myself that I spent a decade in survival mode, dealing with a lot of things that would make anyone feel tired and weak. It's tough losing loved ones, and it was beyond tough having a front row seat to my grandmother's cancer. I was the one who was with her day in, day out... That's a big deal, so I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit. Before the experience, I felt like I could take on the world. I spent a lot of my life afraid to try, and I've returned to that place... But there were several years there when I was strong. There was a time when I aspired to do amazing things, even medical school. I'm smart enough to know that I didn't stand much of a chance with a traditional program, but I was very close to applying to Caribbean schools and DO programs. I think about that now, and it's laugh-out-loud funny. I can't imagine myself in such a role! But maybe with time and effort, I'll regain a little bit of that confidence. Just a bit of it would be wonderful.
I'd love to feel capable of doing something beyond what I'm doing now. It's time to cast off survival mode, and begin to fully experience life again.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Me" Update
It's easy to get wrapped up in what's happening with E. Her disorder requires so much energy and focus that everything else takes a back seat to it. It has been that way since I met R. It takes real effort on my part to keep her disorder from putting me into a tailspin, and the same is true for her dad. That's why he hasn't returned her Friday evening and Saturday phone calls yet. Yesterday he sent her an email, telling her that he supports her efforts to get better, but he has to get off the "emotional roller coaster."
It's unhealthy for me to focus so much energy on her problems. For one thing, when I focus so much on her, I seem to experience a bit of a break from reality. I avoid having to deal with my own life, and while there's comfort in that, it's not good for my own mental health. I've been told as much from professionals.
So this posting is all about me. Woo hoo. Where to start? Well, it has been an exhausting week. My mom left on Sunday, after a week or two helping me with weding projects. She stayed with a family friend, so every morning after work I picked her up and brought her over to the house. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it was tiring. Friday morning I got off from work after a long week, and both my mom and sister came over. The house was soon filled with the three of us loudly debating our ideas about the invitations. R had taken the day off from work, and it was too much for him so he went out into the yard and gardened all morning. I was beyond tired. After the last night of a long week of work, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. I was also on my second day of my 800 calorie a day diet, so I was feeling it. But I had to stay up and make decisions. My sister finally had to go home to pick up the kids, so it was just my mom and I. The two of them had vetoed my font (Sloop- subject of a much earlier post here!). They said it was too hard to read and too fancy... So I had to pick a new font on the fly. After much annoyance adjusting the paper margins and trying several different sizes of several different fonts, I went with Zapfino. It's nice... Of course, shortly thereafter I did a web search and came across this website: http://www.ihatezapfino.com/! Too funny!
After so much invitation planning, in the end I went with something very simple. Family members kept telling me to follow the KISS principle... So the invites have no clever pop-up feature, no special hand drawn flourishes... In the end the invitation ended up being a printed piece of cardstock with a piece of Japanese paper (printed with ocean waves) attached on top, and a piece of vellum on top of it all. It's all attached with a piece of ribbon. This isn't a very good description.... Maybe I should post a photo. Anyway, it's very simple but nice. It got stuffed into a vellum envelope, so it's possible to see the Japanese paper on the front (faintly). I didn't hand-address the envelopes (I know, I know-- Martha Stewart would be dismayed... I hear her over my shoulder, "tsk, tsk!") My writing isn't nice, and anyway, it would be tough to write on vellum... So I printed out clear address labels. I didn't follow the latest and greatest addressing rules. For example: an unmarried couple living together-- place each name on a separate line, etc, etc. I didn't do any of that. I hope nobody is offended. Etiquette is a dying art, what can I say. I would have liked for it to all be a certain way, but in the end at least it got finished. I sent them out yesterday after work.... Once again, I was exhausted after a long night of work with too few calories... I took them to the nearest post office, the very charming Assistance League of San Pedro Post Office on 8th @ Weymouth.
I was thinking about how cool it would be to later tell guests that their invitations were mailed from the only 100% volunteer operated post office in the country (read more here). It makes a nice story... The story lost its warm fuzzy quality when I actually arrived at the post office. The woman behind the desk was less than friendly. I asked her if the invitations could be hand-canceled, and she replied curtly, "if we have time!" I guess it wasn't what she said but how she said it... I walked out of their feeling small and powerless. The tears started flowing before I could climb back into the safety of my car. Yeah, not exactly the story I was hoping I could tell, but cest la vie. It's done! Now I just have to make a half-dozen or so more that will be hand delivered to their recipients. So I'm not totally done yet (the fun never ends). Close enough, though!
It's unhealthy for me to focus so much energy on her problems. For one thing, when I focus so much on her, I seem to experience a bit of a break from reality. I avoid having to deal with my own life, and while there's comfort in that, it's not good for my own mental health. I've been told as much from professionals.
So this posting is all about me. Woo hoo. Where to start? Well, it has been an exhausting week. My mom left on Sunday, after a week or two helping me with weding projects. She stayed with a family friend, so every morning after work I picked her up and brought her over to the house. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it was tiring. Friday morning I got off from work after a long week, and both my mom and sister came over. The house was soon filled with the three of us loudly debating our ideas about the invitations. R had taken the day off from work, and it was too much for him so he went out into the yard and gardened all morning. I was beyond tired. After the last night of a long week of work, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. I was also on my second day of my 800 calorie a day diet, so I was feeling it. But I had to stay up and make decisions. My sister finally had to go home to pick up the kids, so it was just my mom and I. The two of them had vetoed my font (Sloop- subject of a much earlier post here!). They said it was too hard to read and too fancy... So I had to pick a new font on the fly. After much annoyance adjusting the paper margins and trying several different sizes of several different fonts, I went with Zapfino. It's nice... Of course, shortly thereafter I did a web search and came across this website: http://www.ihatezapfino.com/! Too funny!
After so much invitation planning, in the end I went with something very simple. Family members kept telling me to follow the KISS principle... So the invites have no clever pop-up feature, no special hand drawn flourishes... In the end the invitation ended up being a printed piece of cardstock with a piece of Japanese paper (printed with ocean waves) attached on top, and a piece of vellum on top of it all. It's all attached with a piece of ribbon. This isn't a very good description.... Maybe I should post a photo. Anyway, it's very simple but nice. It got stuffed into a vellum envelope, so it's possible to see the Japanese paper on the front (faintly). I didn't hand-address the envelopes (I know, I know-- Martha Stewart would be dismayed... I hear her over my shoulder, "tsk, tsk!") My writing isn't nice, and anyway, it would be tough to write on vellum... So I printed out clear address labels. I didn't follow the latest and greatest addressing rules. For example: an unmarried couple living together-- place each name on a separate line, etc, etc. I didn't do any of that. I hope nobody is offended. Etiquette is a dying art, what can I say. I would have liked for it to all be a certain way, but in the end at least it got finished. I sent them out yesterday after work.... Once again, I was exhausted after a long night of work with too few calories... I took them to the nearest post office, the very charming Assistance League of San Pedro Post Office on 8th @ Weymouth.
I was thinking about how cool it would be to later tell guests that their invitations were mailed from the only 100% volunteer operated post office in the country (read more here). It makes a nice story... The story lost its warm fuzzy quality when I actually arrived at the post office. The woman behind the desk was less than friendly. I asked her if the invitations could be hand-canceled, and she replied curtly, "if we have time!" I guess it wasn't what she said but how she said it... I walked out of their feeling small and powerless. The tears started flowing before I could climb back into the safety of my car. Yeah, not exactly the story I was hoping I could tell, but cest la vie. It's done! Now I just have to make a half-dozen or so more that will be hand delivered to their recipients. So I'm not totally done yet (the fun never ends). Close enough, though!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lies and Deception
E's dad found out she was no longer at UCLA last Wednesday because when he returned her phone call, another patient who answered said she wasn't there. R immediately called back and reached the nurses station, where he was told that she had left that morning and that he'd have to contact her mother for more information. When he attempted to call her mom, her phone rang and rang (usually voice mail picks up). He heard nothing from his daughter for the next few days, which is extremely uncharacteristic of their relationship. For the 5 1/2 years that I've known R, he has talked with his daughter at least once a day. Often they speak in the morning and in the evening..
Friday evening, she finally left a voicemail for him at home, which said something along the lines of, "Hey Dad, it's me, call me when you get a chance." Saturday morning, she called again, and left a long but odd message. She basically said, "Hey, Dad, it's me, E, I'm calling you with good news. Because I'm doing so well here at UCLA, they want me to go to Partial. I'm really proud of myself. Mom and I are taking care of it, so don't call me or come visit me today because I'll be leaving. I'll call you when I get situated in the new program." In other words, she left a message indicating that she was still at UCLA (lie #1), that she had been recommended for partial hospitalization (lie #2, I think).
"Partial" is short for Partial Hospitalization-- this is a much lower level of care. When a patient is in a partial program, they have typically met a minimum BMI/ body weight and are in more of a maintenance function for their disorder. They have enough tools to be able to withstand the pressures of being in their normal home evironment during the evening, and spend only the day in treatment.
E is still miles away from her minimum BMI. The last time we saw her, she was perhaps 80 pounds. It is extremely hard to fathom any provider recommending her for a partial program, unless of course the provider had been told by E that it was the only type of treatment she was willing to participate in. Even still, most programs will not accept someone at her weight and level of health. So what is going on?? Once again, we have no idea. It's frustrating. Clearly she is lying (about her timeline for leaving UCLA, if nothing else). I understand that she doesn't want to disappoint her dad. He takes things hard. If I were a 19 year old young woman wrestling with such serious problems, I might be tempted to lie, too. But doesn't she see that she's only further breaking down the fabric of their realtionship? How does one have a healthy relatiohship where there is no trust? I can't imagine a recovery for her until she can be honest-- with herself first, and also with the people she is close to.
Since she seems to have decided that UCLA is not the right treatment right now, I can only hope that she will put the effort in to get the most out of partial hospitalization. She has a contentious relationship with her mom, and decided long ago not to live with R and I, so it seems like being at home during the evenings would not be a good idea. Further, her Anorexia has at various times morphed into a binge-purge disorder (Bulimia). This is not unusual. The starving body so craves food that the Anorexic, despite their amazing willpower, breaks down. When she was younger, she briefly went through a period in which she would eat serveral hundred dollars worth of groceries in one binge, then purge it all. At the time, she was staying with her Aunt and Uncle in Palm Springs... Her Aunt is a former ICU nurse, and had visions of helping her niece recover-- she couldn't handle it. Then Emily went to stay with some very religious relatives in Utah, who also had visions of healing her. They removed her from psychotropic medications, feeling that her problem could best be tackled in the spiritual realm... Their efforts failed, too. Even if one can handle the emotional toll (no small feat), it becomes too expensive. What does one do when a weeks' worth of groceries suddenly disappears? Who can afford that? These relatives were a cousin, his wife, and their small children. They resorted to locking up the food, which only served to enrage E. From there, she entered a top treatment program in Utah, and although she was still a minor at the time, she couldn't be compelled to stay. She either ran away or was thrown out of the program, I don't remember the exact circumstances. That was just one of many failed treatment attemps. It has been a tough, exhausting journey not just for E but also for all in her life who love her.
Friday evening, she finally left a voicemail for him at home, which said something along the lines of, "Hey Dad, it's me, call me when you get a chance." Saturday morning, she called again, and left a long but odd message. She basically said, "Hey, Dad, it's me, E, I'm calling you with good news. Because I'm doing so well here at UCLA, they want me to go to Partial. I'm really proud of myself. Mom and I are taking care of it, so don't call me or come visit me today because I'll be leaving. I'll call you when I get situated in the new program." In other words, she left a message indicating that she was still at UCLA (lie #1), that she had been recommended for partial hospitalization (lie #2, I think).
"Partial" is short for Partial Hospitalization-- this is a much lower level of care. When a patient is in a partial program, they have typically met a minimum BMI/ body weight and are in more of a maintenance function for their disorder. They have enough tools to be able to withstand the pressures of being in their normal home evironment during the evening, and spend only the day in treatment.
E is still miles away from her minimum BMI. The last time we saw her, she was perhaps 80 pounds. It is extremely hard to fathom any provider recommending her for a partial program, unless of course the provider had been told by E that it was the only type of treatment she was willing to participate in. Even still, most programs will not accept someone at her weight and level of health. So what is going on?? Once again, we have no idea. It's frustrating. Clearly she is lying (about her timeline for leaving UCLA, if nothing else). I understand that she doesn't want to disappoint her dad. He takes things hard. If I were a 19 year old young woman wrestling with such serious problems, I might be tempted to lie, too. But doesn't she see that she's only further breaking down the fabric of their realtionship? How does one have a healthy relatiohship where there is no trust? I can't imagine a recovery for her until she can be honest-- with herself first, and also with the people she is close to.
Since she seems to have decided that UCLA is not the right treatment right now, I can only hope that she will put the effort in to get the most out of partial hospitalization. She has a contentious relationship with her mom, and decided long ago not to live with R and I, so it seems like being at home during the evenings would not be a good idea. Further, her Anorexia has at various times morphed into a binge-purge disorder (Bulimia). This is not unusual. The starving body so craves food that the Anorexic, despite their amazing willpower, breaks down. When she was younger, she briefly went through a period in which she would eat serveral hundred dollars worth of groceries in one binge, then purge it all. At the time, she was staying with her Aunt and Uncle in Palm Springs... Her Aunt is a former ICU nurse, and had visions of helping her niece recover-- she couldn't handle it. Then Emily went to stay with some very religious relatives in Utah, who also had visions of healing her. They removed her from psychotropic medications, feeling that her problem could best be tackled in the spiritual realm... Their efforts failed, too. Even if one can handle the emotional toll (no small feat), it becomes too expensive. What does one do when a weeks' worth of groceries suddenly disappears? Who can afford that? These relatives were a cousin, his wife, and their small children. They resorted to locking up the food, which only served to enrage E. From there, she entered a top treatment program in Utah, and although she was still a minor at the time, she couldn't be compelled to stay. She either ran away or was thrown out of the program, I don't remember the exact circumstances. That was just one of many failed treatment attemps. It has been a tough, exhausting journey not just for E but also for all in her life who love her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)