First Week in Review

I'm one day short of my first week in the Optifast program.  So far, it's going pretty well.  It's funny that I've been so panicked about Emily finding out.  What I'm doing is not about becoming skinny, it's about regaining my health.  Unlike an eating disorder, my weight loss is being monitored by medical professionals via labs and medical checks.  If my health is at all compromised by the low cal regimen, it will be noticed and corrected immediately. 

The program consists of 5 shakes a day at 150 calories each, for a total of about 800 calories a day.  It is mandatory to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, and it is mandatory to attend weekly educational classes.  When I attended my first class last Wednesday, I received a thick binder filled with educational materials.  I've been reading ahead, and have come across so many articles that are applicable not only to my situation but also would apply to disorders such as E's. 

One of the very first articles I read had to do with the importance of drinking water, and includes the following information: "Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and begins to hold onto every drop.  Water is stored in the extracellular spaces.  This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands."  Gee, I wish I'd had access to this information when E was at Rosewood Ranch in Arizona, fearful that her edematous ankles indicated the beginnings of renal failure!  Of course, this material is an oversimplification, but it's useful nonetheless. 

There are also articles about personal responsibility ("internal vs. external locus of control") that apply to her situation...  But here I go again, focusing my blog and attention on E!

If I want to psychoanalyze myself, it's easy to understand my eagerness to focus on others and reluctance to focus on myself...  When I focus on myself, I have to acknowledge all the things that are wrong in my life.  Fortunately, it's a relatively short list!  In 2010, I hope to deal with a lot of it.  At the top of the list: feeling like a failure career-wise.  I've become a serious underachiever.  Is it low self-esteem?  I don't know.  All I know is that most UC Berkeley grads do not go out into the world and immediately settle for a super-easy, low-paying job.  Even when they suffer setbacks, most people are resilient enough to keep the bar for themselves set high.  They don't give up as readily.  I am so incredibly failure-averse.  I experience a setback and immediately drop the bar down to my ankles to avoid the feeling again.  What is up with that??

I must constantly remind myself that I spent a decade in survival mode, dealing with a lot of things that would make anyone feel tired and weak.  It's tough losing loved ones, and it was beyond tough having a front row seat to my grandmother's cancer.  I was the one who was with her day in, day out...  That's a big deal, so I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit.  Before the experience, I felt like I could take on the world.  I spent a lot of my life afraid to try, and I've returned to that place...  But there were several years there when I was strong.  There was a time when I aspired to do amazing things, even medical school.  I'm smart enough to know that I didn't stand much of a chance with a traditional program, but I was very close to applying to Caribbean schools and DO programs.  I think about that now, and it's laugh-out-loud funny.  I can't imagine myself in such a role!  But maybe with time and effort, I'll regain a little bit of that confidence.  Just a bit of it would be wonderful.

I'd love to feel capable of doing something beyond what I'm doing now.  It's time to cast off survival mode, and begin to fully experience life again.