Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing

I did it again.  I bought another wedding gown on ebay.  What's wrong with me?!  I just can't help myself.  Fortunately, I'm not spending a lot of money (this last one was an inexpensive jcrew gown marked down to just over a hundred bucks) but still...  I should be working with what I already have!   Good grief!

So I'm now starting week 4 of Optifast...  It's going ok.  This despite cheating a lot last week.  Oh well, you know what they say...  When you fall off the horse, get back on!  The "cheating" began because I wanted to try out chewing on the left side of my mouth, so I grabbed a handful of Cracklin' Oat Bran one morning.  Verdict: still tender.  I haven't had to use my chompers over the past few weeks, but when I was chewing a stick of gum one day I noticed tenderness/pain in an area where I got a cavity filled a few weeks ago.  Oh my!  I've never had a poor dental outcome before!  Let's hope it's nothing!  I continued my cheating spree a few more times with a few more things, including wedding cake.  What can I say, I can't pick out a wedding cake without tasting it!  Despite being plied with several exotic taste combinations, in the end my honey and I decided to go with a time-honored classic- light chiffon with strawberries and bananas cut up between the layers.  Yum-yum.  Simple but sweet!

With the cheating, my total weight loss for the week was about 2.2 pounds.  Not phenomenal, but not horrid, either.  My grand total is now just under 12 pounds.  I'm starting to receive compliments (from co-workers and from R) so I guess it's becoming noticeable.  That's cool.  I've still got a ways to go, however.  I notice it when I try to do things like sit down in the bathtub-- I go down with a thud!  What happened to the graceful me?!  By "graceful" of course I mean the athletic me.  I've always had two left feet, but at least I had a level of athleticism and strength to prevent things like teetering around in the tub!  I've never been "thin" exactly.  Funny, but I never really wanted to be!  My lightest as an adult was 118, and that was fabulous but not thin considering my height.  I just don't feel the need to be tiny (maybe because of the E saga).  I don't associate being tiny with good health...  In fact I really like having a little bit of fat in the right places!  So we'll see what I decide to do as the weeks go on in this program.  Since people often gain as much as 50% of their total weight loss back, maybe I'll set my target a little lower than my former "set point" weight of 125.  The program is 20 weeks altogether, so I have time to figure it out!

Last night we had a speaker...  a radiant 53 year old business woman who dropped 100 pounds and now maintains her weight at a trim 120.  Quite inspiring!  One of her comments was that people from her class who cheated on the program were ultimately unsuccessful.  You can't overcome cravings if you're constantly giving in to them, even if it's just a chip here or a piece of candy there.   I left the meeting with new resolve.  No cheating this week!

One thing she said that spoke to me was that she had an "ah-ha" moment in the program in which she realized that her relationship with food was a passive one.  She's a successful woman and has always considered herself very strong and assertive, and she is in every other area of her life...  But with food, she felt powerless and allowed herself to be out of control.  She also told herself, "I'm not an exerciser"- she didn't think she could ever become one.  Now she realizes that because she is a strong and assertive person, there is no reason why she can't be that way in every area of her life.  So she made a conscious decision to take control, and she has succeeded.

Why this spoke to me:  I want to be a woman like she is.  I feel strong on the inside, and I want to be strong on the outside.  I want to project strength and assertiveness.  I want to be in control of my life.  I'm not that person.  I've heard it from other people- "You lack assertiveness"- and I guess I don't quite get it.  I feel like I'm incredibly assertive when I need to be.  But maybe that's the problem...  It's on an "as needed" basis, and often I don't feel like it's necessary to have a voice.  I hope I can find it.

I've always longed for marriage and a family, and I think part of it it simply being able to pour myself into improving someone else's life...  I want to give.  I feel like I find purpose in building up others.  Part of that is noble and worthwhile, but part of it is simply avoiding my own life.  Whether or not I become a mom, and regardless of what happens in my marriage to R, I really hope I can learn to be strong and to be my own biggest fan.  When I see confidence and strength in others, I'm drawn to it and I admire them for it.  Even as they toot their own horn, I'm in the cheerleading section backing them up.  I wonder why I can't do the same for myself?  Just something to ponder and work on.