I'm more than half-way through my work week- yippee! Yesterday was an interesting day. I was still awake when R came home for lunch- I had stayed up a few extra hours listening to some church sermons via the internet. I'm not a practicing Christian at the moment, but I did love my former church, so when a friend mentioned in an email a few months ago that the pastor was starting a series on how to have a strong family, it caught my attention (if you're out there, N, thanks for the info!). Less than two weeks into my marriage, married life is still blissful. I'm not anticipating any problems, but life is crazy enough and relationships are complicated enough that I wholeheartedly welcome the wisdom of others (and in this case, the wisdom comes from a very trusted source). I've never been one to turn my back on knowledge, and I definitely feel that my marriage is a relationship worth protecting and nurturing!
I wish I could figure out my spiritual/ religious status... Do I or don't I still believe? Do I or don't I want to find a new church home? I often think that I do, but then there are constant reminders of why I left- Christianity is a worldview, and while I agree with the person and principles of Jesus Christ, Christians themselves are a major turn-off. One old friend, in particular, just rankles me with his pro-Republican rants on Facebook. I find myself wondering, "Is he a Christian first, and then a Republican, or is he a Republican, with Christianity merely one part of a larger ideological package?" I guess I shouldn't let the beliefs of one person sway me so much, but it's not just him... Another person who occasionally posts to his facebook page just happens to be a leader at my former church. I've never met this man, but he wears the mantel, "associate pastor"- and he also unabashedly spews pro-Republican ideology. It isn't Christlike, and it isn't something that I want to be associated with. Leave politics out of faith!!!
So anyway, I was awake past my bed time yesterday, so I was up when R came home from work for lunch. Everything seemed normal- just another day. But then when he arrived home at the end of the day, he asked me to come outside for a minute... And a new car was sitting in the driveway! Part of me wanted to be angry about it- now that we're married, shouldn't we make such major decisions as partners? But I wasn't angry. His car was nine years old, and we've had dozens of conversations about replacing it with this particular vehicle. In fact, we spotted one in a parking lot over the weekend and talked about it. We also spotted my ideal car- a Volvo C-30... then saw on the news that Volvo has just been purchased from Ford by a Chinese auto company... Bummer. It's not nearly as attractive now. But I don't need a new car anyway... Mine has approximately 55 thousand miles on it. It was time for him, though- there's nothing to be mad about. He isn't going through a mid-life crisis. He got the base model, walked out the door with 1.9% APR... Very reasonable!
Coincidentally, though, he had to say no to E yesterday when she asked for $1000 dollars for dental work. The child is 19 years old and will be having a root canal later today. That's sad... It's the eating disorder, of course. Purging destroys teeth. Her mother called and wanted R to pay for it. E has dental coverage through her dad, and the annual limit is approximately $1000 dollars... She has already maxed that out, apparently. R is never privy to what's going on with his daughter, but that doesn't stop anyone from asking for money. He said no over the phone, but then E asked to come over to fill out a job application via the internet. She arrived during dinner, and immediately asked if the meal we were preparing was cooked with olive oil (she doesn't consume anything with it). When her dad told her that there wasn't enough for her to share our meal, she became angry... and claimed that there wasn't any food at her mom's house. R tried to get to the bottom of what she was feeling, but couldn't make much progress. Basically, she wanted the money for her dental work and she wanted to leave. He wrote her a check for half the amount, and gave her some cash so she could buy some meals for herself, and she left. An hour or so later, she called from home and was apparently asking about the car over the phone... It sounded like he was having to justify the purchase to her.
It's a tough situation... From her perspective, he probably seems selfish. But he works hard- he shouldn't have to explain anything to her. If he wants to get a new car, he has earned it. Her dental work is not something that he should simply hand a check over for, without any questions asked, without her mom participating. It is all the more frustrating because she is making a choice to destroy herself. A 19 year old shouldn't need a root canal. Further, she chooses not to go to school and not to get a job. Because of her dad, she has access to mental health care and physical health care. He is not withholding anything from her. She has everything she needs. Sure, one could argue that instead of using his car as a trade-in yesterday, he could have given it to her (she has a used car already, but it has some mechanical problems and she doesn't like it). But he tried long ago to teach her to drive his car (a manual transmission) and she didn't want to learn. What can he do? She seems angry with him, but the ball is in her court. He is always available to spend time with and to participate in her life... All she has to do is ask.
The meal incident was frustrating... She made it sound as though her mom is starving her. A more likely story is that her eating disorder has morphed into an extreme bulimia and her mom may be rationing food out of financial necessity.
Our wedding night, R and I stayed in a hotel. He asked E to spend the night at our house to watch over things and keep the dogs company. She did so. The following morning, she watched us open gifts and recorded what we received. Afterward, I said something about having a piece of wedding cake for breakfast, and she said she needed to get going. But before she left, she announced that our wedding cake had collapsed and that one of our toilets was backing up (we've never had plumbing problems, so I think it's safe to assume she was binging and purging in our absence). Not exactly the news we wanted to hear, but we took it in stride. The cake had in fact collapsed, but it also appeared that some of it was missing. We treated the plumbing system with drain opener and R headed out to do some grocery shopping. Before he left, he started a load of laundry. I was in the bedroom adjacent to the laundry room when I noticed that the entire room and bathroom were under 2" of water... The washing machine wasn't draining. Once again, I took it in stride. I opened a door to the backyard and swept the water outside, placed towels on the carpet adjacent to the tile that was wicking up water, and toweled off the floor as best I could. I had to wring out several towels several times.... Then draped them over our outdoor table and chairs. I wanted to cry, but instead I talked myself through what I needed to do and I did it. When R got home, I said to him matter of factly, "We gave her more responsibility than she could handle." It's true- we did. We left her alone in the house for the first time, and with two boxes full of wedding cake in the refrigerator. I'm sure that as happy as she may have been about our marriage, it was a hard day for her. I'm sure it unleashed a lot of emotions. So in a way, leaving her in the house with the cake was akin to placing a carton of cigarettes in front of a recovering smoker and then leaving them alone. What did we think would happen? It was poor planning on our part. Still, it was disappointing. I don't know how to approach my relationship with her. She seems hell-bent on destroying herself, and I don't know that there's anything I can do to stop her. I just have to manage the collateral damage as best I can. And pray...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Happy Friday
Last night was my last night of work this week... All in all, not a bad first week back post-wedding. Post wedding bliss is still with me- now and then I'll remember something from the day, and I can almost relive the joy and excitement! And there are reminders everywhere: wedding gifts are stacked neatly behind the couch, wedding kites are stacked neatly in the front room, the dog photos I took (S and C dressed in a wedding gown and tux!) are still right by the front door... Oh yes, and my bouquet is still hanging in there, in a vase on the table! Once the flowers have reached the end of their life and the wedding gifts are all put away, it will be a little bit sad. I don't want to forget our special day! I guess it's silly to think that I would: I'll have my memories forever. And there's so much to do still- getting my name changed at Social Security, writing and mailing thank-yous, and best of all, we still have yet to see proofs of our photos! That will be fun!
Fortunately, my week back at work was pretty easy. Or perhaps you could say, "unfortunately"-- it was pretty boring! The hospital is undergoing a very carefully planned infrastructure upgrade (installation of plumbing isolation valves). So all of the patients in the tower portion of the hospital had to be moved to other units. That's 102 beds shut down for the weekend! It's huge. R is in fact at work right now, since he's in charge of disaster preparedness, and this is considered a code orange alert. The command center is open and a lot of administrative staff is working the weekend. R will be there until midnight, and has committed to be there for part of the day tomorrow. There has been so much planning that I'm sure the upgrade will go off without a hitch! When I left work this morning, only 5 patients remained on my unit. Two were expected to be discharged home, and beds had been assigned for the others... So things seemed very much under control.
With wedding stuff off my radar, I've been thinking a lot about career advancement. I don't know where to go from here... not yet, anyway. I've applied a few times for the local nursing program, but it's a lottery system, so who knows if/when that will ever pan out. Last night one of the nurses at work was complaining about how expensive a minor repair to her BMW is going to be... Poor baby! Sometimes I can see myself as an RN, sometimes I can't. The job security is awfully attractive, and I sure wouldn't mind making enough to afford a BMW (not that I'd be spending my money on one, but it would be nice to have that kind of security). I love the camaraderie that the nurses on my unit seem to have. It's a tough unit, with a lot of very sick patients. There is definitely a sense that the nurses are "in the trenches"- and that seems pretty cool! On the other hand, being "in the trenches" 40 hours a week is no easy task. They do well financially, but they sure do earn their wages. I'm not averse to hard work, but I wonder if the perks are worth the stress.
I wonder if the nurses I work with are happy. At the end of the day, are they fulfilled? They work hard, but do they walk away from the medical center feeling as though they've made the world a better place? I hate to say it, but some of the patients we get are so incredibly sick that it's not so much making their lives better as it is simply getting them well enough to go back to wherever it is that they came from (home, skilled nursing facility). A lot of them aren't ever going to get any better, and it doesn't seem particularly rewarding to work with them. A lot of patients die on my unit. They have reached that phase of their lives. A few "frequent fliers" passed away recently. Firstly, there was a police officer who was in a motorcycle vs truck accident more than a year ago. I pray that he is at peace, because he sure did have a tough journey. He seemed intent on dying (pulling out his trach, pulling out his g-tube). I don't know if he had a brain injury immediately after his accident, but his repeated attempts to remove the many tubes keeping him alive left him in a state... So be at peace, that is my prayer! For him and for his family, which sadly included a wife and young son. Be at peace...!
I used to feel good working in the hospital, I think because it made me feel normal. Life and death defined my life before I met Robert and in the first few years of our relationship. Maybe I need to move on, but I still feel shell-shocked by my losses. Our life together is filled with joy and hope for the future, yet I still having nagging worries that I'm going to experience more loss. It used to feel noble (or something!) being among people who were accustomed to these emotions... but now I wonder if I need a less morbid vocation. Can I move on if I'm constantly exposing myself to this kind of pain? On my last day of work before the wedding, I worked the evening shift instead of my usual graveyard, and I saw for the first time the neurologist who diagnosed my dad with ALS. It was a bad experience for him, and he did not especially like her. I guess she told him his diagnosis in a very cold, matter of fact manner, only days before Christmas. It left a bad taste in his mouth. So I knew her by name, and I knew she still worked for the medical center... Still it was a little surreal seeing her in person. A man came up to the nurses station and asked if I would page a physician for him, and it was her. I think he worked with the IT Department, because he had a PC on a cart nearby. Soon, she was standing not five feet from me, conversing with him. I found myself wondering if she could see my badge (unlikely) and if she did, would my unusual last name remind her of my dad? (Also extremely unlikely).
Sometimes it's a little eerie to think that I work in the medical center that my dad and his wife received so much bad news in. Sometimes I wonder if I encounter people they encountered. I've been with the organization for almost two years, they haven't been here for a good ten years (they moved away in approximately 2000, my dad died in 2002) so who knows. It's not all sadness, though! My brother was born in the hospital back in 1993! Of course, where he was born is the oldest part of the hospital. A new L&D unit was built a few years ago, and the old unit will be torn down soon (part of why the infrastructure upgrade is now taking place). It's just kind of funny that so much of my family either originated in the South Bay (my mom) or ended up here (first my dad, now me). I'm happy to be here, but it's a little bit haunting, too. Now, on that note, I think it's time for bed. Hopefully I haven't just given myself nightmares! R won't be home for a few hours, but I have the dogs to protect me! I could stay up and watch HGTV or something, but I've only had a few hours sleep since I got off work this morning. The sooner I catch some zzz's, the sooner I can get up and have some coffee and enjoy my weekend off!
Fortunately, my week back at work was pretty easy. Or perhaps you could say, "unfortunately"-- it was pretty boring! The hospital is undergoing a very carefully planned infrastructure upgrade (installation of plumbing isolation valves). So all of the patients in the tower portion of the hospital had to be moved to other units. That's 102 beds shut down for the weekend! It's huge. R is in fact at work right now, since he's in charge of disaster preparedness, and this is considered a code orange alert. The command center is open and a lot of administrative staff is working the weekend. R will be there until midnight, and has committed to be there for part of the day tomorrow. There has been so much planning that I'm sure the upgrade will go off without a hitch! When I left work this morning, only 5 patients remained on my unit. Two were expected to be discharged home, and beds had been assigned for the others... So things seemed very much under control.
With wedding stuff off my radar, I've been thinking a lot about career advancement. I don't know where to go from here... not yet, anyway. I've applied a few times for the local nursing program, but it's a lottery system, so who knows if/when that will ever pan out. Last night one of the nurses at work was complaining about how expensive a minor repair to her BMW is going to be... Poor baby! Sometimes I can see myself as an RN, sometimes I can't. The job security is awfully attractive, and I sure wouldn't mind making enough to afford a BMW (not that I'd be spending my money on one, but it would be nice to have that kind of security). I love the camaraderie that the nurses on my unit seem to have. It's a tough unit, with a lot of very sick patients. There is definitely a sense that the nurses are "in the trenches"- and that seems pretty cool! On the other hand, being "in the trenches" 40 hours a week is no easy task. They do well financially, but they sure do earn their wages. I'm not averse to hard work, but I wonder if the perks are worth the stress.
I wonder if the nurses I work with are happy. At the end of the day, are they fulfilled? They work hard, but do they walk away from the medical center feeling as though they've made the world a better place? I hate to say it, but some of the patients we get are so incredibly sick that it's not so much making their lives better as it is simply getting them well enough to go back to wherever it is that they came from (home, skilled nursing facility). A lot of them aren't ever going to get any better, and it doesn't seem particularly rewarding to work with them. A lot of patients die on my unit. They have reached that phase of their lives. A few "frequent fliers" passed away recently. Firstly, there was a police officer who was in a motorcycle vs truck accident more than a year ago. I pray that he is at peace, because he sure did have a tough journey. He seemed intent on dying (pulling out his trach, pulling out his g-tube). I don't know if he had a brain injury immediately after his accident, but his repeated attempts to remove the many tubes keeping him alive left him in a state... So be at peace, that is my prayer! For him and for his family, which sadly included a wife and young son. Be at peace...!
I used to feel good working in the hospital, I think because it made me feel normal. Life and death defined my life before I met Robert and in the first few years of our relationship. Maybe I need to move on, but I still feel shell-shocked by my losses. Our life together is filled with joy and hope for the future, yet I still having nagging worries that I'm going to experience more loss. It used to feel noble (or something!) being among people who were accustomed to these emotions... but now I wonder if I need a less morbid vocation. Can I move on if I'm constantly exposing myself to this kind of pain? On my last day of work before the wedding, I worked the evening shift instead of my usual graveyard, and I saw for the first time the neurologist who diagnosed my dad with ALS. It was a bad experience for him, and he did not especially like her. I guess she told him his diagnosis in a very cold, matter of fact manner, only days before Christmas. It left a bad taste in his mouth. So I knew her by name, and I knew she still worked for the medical center... Still it was a little surreal seeing her in person. A man came up to the nurses station and asked if I would page a physician for him, and it was her. I think he worked with the IT Department, because he had a PC on a cart nearby. Soon, she was standing not five feet from me, conversing with him. I found myself wondering if she could see my badge (unlikely) and if she did, would my unusual last name remind her of my dad? (Also extremely unlikely).
Sometimes it's a little eerie to think that I work in the medical center that my dad and his wife received so much bad news in. Sometimes I wonder if I encounter people they encountered. I've been with the organization for almost two years, they haven't been here for a good ten years (they moved away in approximately 2000, my dad died in 2002) so who knows. It's not all sadness, though! My brother was born in the hospital back in 1993! Of course, where he was born is the oldest part of the hospital. A new L&D unit was built a few years ago, and the old unit will be torn down soon (part of why the infrastructure upgrade is now taking place). It's just kind of funny that so much of my family either originated in the South Bay (my mom) or ended up here (first my dad, now me). I'm happy to be here, but it's a little bit haunting, too. Now, on that note, I think it's time for bed. Hopefully I haven't just given myself nightmares! R won't be home for a few hours, but I have the dogs to protect me! I could stay up and watch HGTV or something, but I've only had a few hours sleep since I got off work this morning. The sooner I catch some zzz's, the sooner I can get up and have some coffee and enjoy my weekend off!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wedding Recap Part II
Continuing where I left off...
Saturday morning my sister and I were up at 5:30- I set the hotel room clock as well as two of my cell phone alarms, just to be safe. Fortunately, I was able to sleep the night before (having gone to bed after midnight, it was only five hours, but at least it was five good hours!) I suppose I have my sister to thank for that! I mentioned at our nail appointment that I was worried about not being able to sleep, and she suggested I take something. Over-the-counter sleep aides like Tylenol PM and Benadryl do nothing for me, so she practically forced me to stop by the house to pick up one of my prescription sleep medications (which I weaned myself from several months ago, but luckily did not dispose of). R was surprised and happy to see me for the minute that I ran into the house. His sister and brother-in-law and E had already left for the night, so he was by himself winding down, just as he hoped he would be (when we talked earlier he said he was planning to "kick everyone out" by 7:00 or 8:00 pm). J waited in her car as I ran into the house, then followed me in my car over to the hotel.
Fast forwarding back to Saturday morning-- everything went as planned. My sister made me coffee and we split an Optifast shake for breakfast. Before long, my good friend and bridesmaid A was at the hotel ready to start applying her own makeup. Soon, the hair stylist was there, and began with A's hair. While she did that, my sister began my makeup. At some point, the photographer arrived, and then the florist stopped by with all of the flowers. Soon it became a scene of happy chaos: my brother-in-law arrived with my niece and nephew and they changed into their attire, my mother arrived and got changed, and the photographer set about busily arranging my shoes and gown for photos. My makeup was almost done when the stylist started with my hair, which took a while. When she finished, I had only to get into my wedding undergarments & gown and put on lipstick. The shapewear/ "girdle" that I bought when I wasn't sure which dress I'd be wearing didn't work with my gown, so I had to do without it. No big deal, really, but putting it on, followed by the gown, then having to take it off and put the gown back on again- well, it slowed down our exodus from the hotel slightly.
Unfortunately, we didn't stay on task in the morning. We had been hoping to have photos taken before the ceremony, but we ran out of time. I did call R to let him know we were running late, but in the end we didn't make our revised ETA, either. He later told me that while they were waiting, the minister asked him if he had a "runaway bride" on his hands! But my entourage and I did arrive before the ceremony was due to start. When we pulled up into the parking lot of the Bell, R, his best man, and the minister were standing beside a vehicle, ready to sign the marriage license. The old school friend of mine that I invited somewhat last minute was standing by as well, and I have to say that it was a comfort to see her, even though it had been years. As the witnesses signed, the miscellaneous guests who were lingering made their way ahead of us,and then we (the wedding party, minister, and photograper) made our way down the path to the Bell.
There was a significant amount of fog in the sky- the Bell was visible but the ocean beyond was not. Still, it was quite pretty. As we got closer, the Bell itself blocked the guests from view. The photographer had my bridesmaids and I hang back so that the men could get into place, and I began to hear the sound of the violin and cello duo playing adjacent to the Bell. We hung back for a several minutes, then got into order. At some point I let down the bustle of the gown, and we began to make our way single file around the Bell and into place. We were in plain view of all of the guests, but it was fine- for me to remain hidden I would have had to walk across very wet grass, so it made more sense to reveal myself early. The gown proved to be pretty tough to walk in, so I scooped it up. I don't remember if I held my own bouquet or not. Finally, we were in place on the back side of the bell- E first in line, then A, then J, then the kids, then me. The duo began to play Pachelbel's Canon and we slowly began the procession towards the waiting men. When each person got halfway there, another would start. I remember telling my niece and nephew when it was time for them to go, and reminding my niece to scatter her petals, but she was already out of earshot. I had to walk slowly because of the length of my gown- despite my high heels, it was still dragging slightly. I'm sure I made an interesting bride, trying not to trip over myself! Before I knew it I was at the front of the small crowd.
No tulle, few petals, and they were blowing in the breeze... but it wasn't cold!
Saturday morning my sister and I were up at 5:30- I set the hotel room clock as well as two of my cell phone alarms, just to be safe. Fortunately, I was able to sleep the night before (having gone to bed after midnight, it was only five hours, but at least it was five good hours!) I suppose I have my sister to thank for that! I mentioned at our nail appointment that I was worried about not being able to sleep, and she suggested I take something. Over-the-counter sleep aides like Tylenol PM and Benadryl do nothing for me, so she practically forced me to stop by the house to pick up one of my prescription sleep medications (which I weaned myself from several months ago, but luckily did not dispose of). R was surprised and happy to see me for the minute that I ran into the house. His sister and brother-in-law and E had already left for the night, so he was by himself winding down, just as he hoped he would be (when we talked earlier he said he was planning to "kick everyone out" by 7:00 or 8:00 pm). J waited in her car as I ran into the house, then followed me in my car over to the hotel.
Fast forwarding back to Saturday morning-- everything went as planned. My sister made me coffee and we split an Optifast shake for breakfast. Before long, my good friend and bridesmaid A was at the hotel ready to start applying her own makeup. Soon, the hair stylist was there, and began with A's hair. While she did that, my sister began my makeup. At some point, the photographer arrived, and then the florist stopped by with all of the flowers. Soon it became a scene of happy chaos: my brother-in-law arrived with my niece and nephew and they changed into their attire, my mother arrived and got changed, and the photographer set about busily arranging my shoes and gown for photos. My makeup was almost done when the stylist started with my hair, which took a while. When she finished, I had only to get into my wedding undergarments & gown and put on lipstick. The shapewear/ "girdle" that I bought when I wasn't sure which dress I'd be wearing didn't work with my gown, so I had to do without it. No big deal, really, but putting it on, followed by the gown, then having to take it off and put the gown back on again- well, it slowed down our exodus from the hotel slightly.
Unfortunately, we didn't stay on task in the morning. We had been hoping to have photos taken before the ceremony, but we ran out of time. I did call R to let him know we were running late, but in the end we didn't make our revised ETA, either. He later told me that while they were waiting, the minister asked him if he had a "runaway bride" on his hands! But my entourage and I did arrive before the ceremony was due to start. When we pulled up into the parking lot of the Bell, R, his best man, and the minister were standing beside a vehicle, ready to sign the marriage license. The old school friend of mine that I invited somewhat last minute was standing by as well, and I have to say that it was a comfort to see her, even though it had been years. As the witnesses signed, the miscellaneous guests who were lingering made their way ahead of us,and then we (the wedding party, minister, and photograper) made our way down the path to the Bell.
There was a significant amount of fog in the sky- the Bell was visible but the ocean beyond was not. Still, it was quite pretty. As we got closer, the Bell itself blocked the guests from view. The photographer had my bridesmaids and I hang back so that the men could get into place, and I began to hear the sound of the violin and cello duo playing adjacent to the Bell. We hung back for a several minutes, then got into order. At some point I let down the bustle of the gown, and we began to make our way single file around the Bell and into place. We were in plain view of all of the guests, but it was fine- for me to remain hidden I would have had to walk across very wet grass, so it made more sense to reveal myself early. The gown proved to be pretty tough to walk in, so I scooped it up. I don't remember if I held my own bouquet or not. Finally, we were in place on the back side of the bell- E first in line, then A, then J, then the kids, then me. The duo began to play Pachelbel's Canon and we slowly began the procession towards the waiting men. When each person got halfway there, another would start. I remember telling my niece and nephew when it was time for them to go, and reminding my niece to scatter her petals, but she was already out of earshot. I had to walk slowly because of the length of my gown- despite my high heels, it was still dragging slightly. I'm sure I made an interesting bride, trying not to trip over myself! Before I knew it I was at the front of the small crowd.
No tulle, few petals, and they were blowing in the breeze... but it wasn't cold!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Wedding Recap
Wow, busy few days! I'm a married woman now... Awesome :-) It's been a long time coming, and I think that fact magnified the joy of the day. There were a few minor hiccups, but even so, everything was perfect. That's how I see it, and that's how I'll remember it!
But before I get in to all that...
It's funny, because my last post touched on the question, "can women and men be friends?" and also the fact that relationships between women can be tricky. It seems that no sooner had I posted those thoughts than I got a few unintended illustrations. Firstly, a friend who had previously RSVP'ed sent a message on Facebook that she would no longer be able to make it due to morning sickness that was persisting farther into her first trimester than she'd expected. What can I say except that a tidal wave of emotions washed over me. Firstly, congrats to her for baby #2! Secondly, "Are you serious?? Just a few days before the wedding, you're canceling??" I didn't say this to her, but I was feeling it acutely. I couldn't help but think, "Some friend." How unfair of me, but it's how I felt. She is my only "friend" from my former job at the county- and the perfect coworker who I constantly felt our boss was comparing me to. When I was terminated, she took over my territory... Which made perfect sense based upon geography, but still sucked. I guess I developed a weird relationship with her- I wanted her friendship, and simultaneously I resented her for being so amazing at work. There's more to it than that, of course, but the bottom line... Maybe we weren't ever really friends? She invited R and I to Thanksgiving the year we worked together- we had nowhere to be, and she is a kind soul. I also went to the shower for her first baby, but it was awkward being among former coworkers (my fault, not theirs). Anyway, I was painfully aware when the baby turned one and I was not invited again, and then this... I'm bad at friendship. I know I had nothing to offer her, but it hurts to be rejected nonetheless. On a positive note, I invited someone else in her place last minute and this friend came, took pictures that she has already shared with me, and fit in perfectly. A blessing!
Secondly, the man-woman thing. That guy friend who unexpectedly emailed me last week after being out of touch for at least a year? Well, I decided to spontaneously invite him and his wife last minute, too. I figured I had nothing to lose, and he had joked in his email, "I know you were going to invite me but the invite got lost in the mail." Well, after the spontaneous invite, I heard nothing. Not a thing. I prefaced it with, "I know you were only kidding about the lost invitation, but I've had a last minute cancellation, so the two of you are welcome to come"-- well, nothing. No response, nada. What's up with that?! Maybe his wife vetoed the idea, or maybe the thought was just too real for him... I don't know. But again I think to myself, "Some friend."
Ok, now that that's all out of my system... Let's move on to wedding talk!!! The good stuff!!! Friday, the day before the "Big Day", was crazy. SO MUCH TO DO! Uggghhh.... Firstly, my mom had to fix my dress (yes, we waited until the day before the wedding to start the alterations process). She had to create a bustle for the first time ever, and fix the straps. She rallied, and it came together. I wish I'd had my camera handy as the dress hung from the ceiling fan in the center of the room, and at one point she was beneath the dress, stitching in the buttons, periodically poking her head out to make sure she was getting the thread through the button holes. And I was there, trying to hold up the different layers of the dress, so they wouldn't get sewn by mistake. It was a tedious process but also a picture perfect moment! Alas, though, my camera was not handy!
I had a million things planned for Friday- including a trip to the mall to buy gifts for my flower girl and ring bearer, a stop at Sephora or Merle Norman for more makeup, a stop at the bakery to drop off shells for the cake, a trip to a party supply store for getaway car decorations, a trip to the reception location to drop off photos I took of my dogs in wedding garb (to greet guests at the sign in table)... The list goes on and on. In the end, with all the packing and last minute calls to vendors and others, and printing of contracts and phone numbers, and trying to straighten up the house a little bit before company arrived, I did nothing! I didn't make it out of the house. My sister and I were hoping to check in early at the hotel- that didn't happen! Not by a long shot. I barely made it out of the house for our manicure and pedicure appointment at 6 pm.
Just before I left to check in at the hotel, my new sister in law and her husband arrived, and a few minute chat turned into a 30 minute visit with wine and with her loaning me some of her cosmetics and vintage mirror as my "something old" (very sweet). If you've read much of my blog, you know that it's a tenuous relationship... So I couldn't exactly cut out early (nor did I want to- I was enjoying her company). Finally, though, I did leave, but made it a only a few blocks before I realized my wallet was not in my purse! I turned around in a 7-Eleven parking lot down the street, and was so anxious that I altogether missed the driveway and ran up the curb. Nice! A couple in a car nearby gave me "the look of death"- they probably thought I was a DUI in progress. It didn't help that my car was on empty, either (that's a whole other story- the getaway car driven to the wedding with no gas in the tank and with a slow leak in the tire due to a screw being wedged into it). R vacuumed and washed my car earlier, but I'd forgotten to mention the being on empty part! Fortunately, it was not a problem, but it added to my stress level as I attempted to get settled that night before the big day. When I got back to the house, the clock was still ticking, and I could not find my wallet to save my life. Luckily, E soon showed up at the house to visit with her Aunt and Uncle, and quickly noticed it in an obvious spot. What a lifesaver, since clearly I was losing my mind!
I'd been planning to go to the hotel to get checked in before the manicure (I didn't like driving around with our marriage license, all the dressses, and the rings in my car) but there wasn't time. I had to go straight to the nail place. And I mean I absolutely had to, because I broke a nail that day! And two others were cracked and ready to snap! Of course! Luckily, the nail people were awesome. They did great work, and the experience was extremely relaxing... Not to mention fun, because my sister and I met up there and did it together. It was a long appointment, though-- with two of my nails needing acrylic, and manicures and pedicures for both of us. I think we finally got to the hotel at 8 pm... and we hadn't eaten dinner yet! When we arrived we paid a bell hop to wheel our things to the room (in addition to everything else, we each had a huge carry-on size bag of makeup for last minute experimentation). We were both so tired out that we ordered room service. My sister brought out a super cute "Bachelorette" wine glass (complete with a feather boa around the stem) for me to drink my wine from- she had meant to give it to me at my shower, but forgot it... So instead I was able to use it on my last night as a bachelorette! It was such a fun and thoughtful gesture!
After dinner, we did more experimenting with makeup, and each took care of last minute beauty stuff that we'd hoped to do earlier in the day before running out of time. I shaved with a new razor, and managed to nick my ankle quite well... And despite having brought like 30 lbs of makeup and practically every bathroom item one could imagine, I had forgotten band-aids! So I improvised with a makeup applicator pad, a plastic target bag handle, and tape! Hey, whatever works! It was 12:30 am by the time I went to sleep, and my sister stayed up even later transferring her toast from notebook paper to 3 X 5 cards... A crazy long day!
And now, as much as I want to write down memories from my wedding day while they are fresh in my mind, I have to stop writing... After four wonderful nights off, It's back to work tonight!
But before I get in to all that...
It's funny, because my last post touched on the question, "can women and men be friends?" and also the fact that relationships between women can be tricky. It seems that no sooner had I posted those thoughts than I got a few unintended illustrations. Firstly, a friend who had previously RSVP'ed sent a message on Facebook that she would no longer be able to make it due to morning sickness that was persisting farther into her first trimester than she'd expected. What can I say except that a tidal wave of emotions washed over me. Firstly, congrats to her for baby #2! Secondly, "Are you serious?? Just a few days before the wedding, you're canceling??" I didn't say this to her, but I was feeling it acutely. I couldn't help but think, "Some friend." How unfair of me, but it's how I felt. She is my only "friend" from my former job at the county- and the perfect coworker who I constantly felt our boss was comparing me to. When I was terminated, she took over my territory... Which made perfect sense based upon geography, but still sucked. I guess I developed a weird relationship with her- I wanted her friendship, and simultaneously I resented her for being so amazing at work. There's more to it than that, of course, but the bottom line... Maybe we weren't ever really friends? She invited R and I to Thanksgiving the year we worked together- we had nowhere to be, and she is a kind soul. I also went to the shower for her first baby, but it was awkward being among former coworkers (my fault, not theirs). Anyway, I was painfully aware when the baby turned one and I was not invited again, and then this... I'm bad at friendship. I know I had nothing to offer her, but it hurts to be rejected nonetheless. On a positive note, I invited someone else in her place last minute and this friend came, took pictures that she has already shared with me, and fit in perfectly. A blessing!
Secondly, the man-woman thing. That guy friend who unexpectedly emailed me last week after being out of touch for at least a year? Well, I decided to spontaneously invite him and his wife last minute, too. I figured I had nothing to lose, and he had joked in his email, "I know you were going to invite me but the invite got lost in the mail." Well, after the spontaneous invite, I heard nothing. Not a thing. I prefaced it with, "I know you were only kidding about the lost invitation, but I've had a last minute cancellation, so the two of you are welcome to come"-- well, nothing. No response, nada. What's up with that?! Maybe his wife vetoed the idea, or maybe the thought was just too real for him... I don't know. But again I think to myself, "Some friend."
Ok, now that that's all out of my system... Let's move on to wedding talk!!! The good stuff!!! Friday, the day before the "Big Day", was crazy. SO MUCH TO DO! Uggghhh.... Firstly, my mom had to fix my dress (yes, we waited until the day before the wedding to start the alterations process). She had to create a bustle for the first time ever, and fix the straps. She rallied, and it came together. I wish I'd had my camera handy as the dress hung from the ceiling fan in the center of the room, and at one point she was beneath the dress, stitching in the buttons, periodically poking her head out to make sure she was getting the thread through the button holes. And I was there, trying to hold up the different layers of the dress, so they wouldn't get sewn by mistake. It was a tedious process but also a picture perfect moment! Alas, though, my camera was not handy!
I had a million things planned for Friday- including a trip to the mall to buy gifts for my flower girl and ring bearer, a stop at Sephora or Merle Norman for more makeup, a stop at the bakery to drop off shells for the cake, a trip to a party supply store for getaway car decorations, a trip to the reception location to drop off photos I took of my dogs in wedding garb (to greet guests at the sign in table)... The list goes on and on. In the end, with all the packing and last minute calls to vendors and others, and printing of contracts and phone numbers, and trying to straighten up the house a little bit before company arrived, I did nothing! I didn't make it out of the house. My sister and I were hoping to check in early at the hotel- that didn't happen! Not by a long shot. I barely made it out of the house for our manicure and pedicure appointment at 6 pm.
Just before I left to check in at the hotel, my new sister in law and her husband arrived, and a few minute chat turned into a 30 minute visit with wine and with her loaning me some of her cosmetics and vintage mirror as my "something old" (very sweet). If you've read much of my blog, you know that it's a tenuous relationship... So I couldn't exactly cut out early (nor did I want to- I was enjoying her company). Finally, though, I did leave, but made it a only a few blocks before I realized my wallet was not in my purse! I turned around in a 7-Eleven parking lot down the street, and was so anxious that I altogether missed the driveway and ran up the curb. Nice! A couple in a car nearby gave me "the look of death"- they probably thought I was a DUI in progress. It didn't help that my car was on empty, either (that's a whole other story- the getaway car driven to the wedding with no gas in the tank and with a slow leak in the tire due to a screw being wedged into it). R vacuumed and washed my car earlier, but I'd forgotten to mention the being on empty part! Fortunately, it was not a problem, but it added to my stress level as I attempted to get settled that night before the big day. When I got back to the house, the clock was still ticking, and I could not find my wallet to save my life. Luckily, E soon showed up at the house to visit with her Aunt and Uncle, and quickly noticed it in an obvious spot. What a lifesaver, since clearly I was losing my mind!
I'd been planning to go to the hotel to get checked in before the manicure (I didn't like driving around with our marriage license, all the dressses, and the rings in my car) but there wasn't time. I had to go straight to the nail place. And I mean I absolutely had to, because I broke a nail that day! And two others were cracked and ready to snap! Of course! Luckily, the nail people were awesome. They did great work, and the experience was extremely relaxing... Not to mention fun, because my sister and I met up there and did it together. It was a long appointment, though-- with two of my nails needing acrylic, and manicures and pedicures for both of us. I think we finally got to the hotel at 8 pm... and we hadn't eaten dinner yet! When we arrived we paid a bell hop to wheel our things to the room (in addition to everything else, we each had a huge carry-on size bag of makeup for last minute experimentation). We were both so tired out that we ordered room service. My sister brought out a super cute "Bachelorette" wine glass (complete with a feather boa around the stem) for me to drink my wine from- she had meant to give it to me at my shower, but forgot it... So instead I was able to use it on my last night as a bachelorette! It was such a fun and thoughtful gesture!
After dinner, we did more experimenting with makeup, and each took care of last minute beauty stuff that we'd hoped to do earlier in the day before running out of time. I shaved with a new razor, and managed to nick my ankle quite well... And despite having brought like 30 lbs of makeup and practically every bathroom item one could imagine, I had forgotten band-aids! So I improvised with a makeup applicator pad, a plastic target bag handle, and tape! Hey, whatever works! It was 12:30 am by the time I went to sleep, and my sister stayed up even later transferring her toast from notebook paper to 3 X 5 cards... A crazy long day!
And now, as much as I want to write down memories from my wedding day while they are fresh in my mind, I have to stop writing... After four wonderful nights off, It's back to work tonight!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
The Wedding: Final Push
It has been a week. The rehearsal on Sunday was a lot of fun... I wouldn't say that I feel ready, but at least we've done a run through. A few nights ago, the nurses and ward clerk on the floor where I work surprised me with a potluck. Awesome! I like everyone that I work with, but I haven't done a good job of getting to know people, so it was totally unexpected. They also gave me a card with $150 cash... Gosh! I feel humbled and touched by their generosity. Especially considering that noone here at work is invited. I didn't want to "play favorites", and it would have been too costly to invite everybody, so nobody here is coming. It's kind of sad, actually! If I had the whole thing to do over, I might make a few different choices (for example, with timing- a summer wedding would have made it possible for my out-of-state family members to attend). But no regrets. This wedding has been a long time coming, so it's better to just do it. There is no such thing as perfect timing, a perfect guest list, etc. etc.
It's approximately 10 pm on a Wednesday night. I worked the night shift last night, and today I came in early for the evening shift... So I'll be out of here in two hours. Thank goodness! I had errands to do when I got off work this morning, so it was about 11:30 when I finally got to bed... And I woke up at 2:30 to get ready to come back in. So I got all of 3 hours of sleep... not exactly what I require.
Today before I came back into work, I checked my email, and there was a hello from a friend I haven't talked with for a year or so. He is another one who is now married and has a baby... But I didn't find his email weird at all. We went on a few dates, but we weren't ever an "item"- so I don't think anything is up when I hear from him. Can men and women just be friends? I think so. It depends on the people! There are men that I know I can't be friends with, and there are others that I wish I'd established a better friendship with when I'd had the opportunity. It will be interesting navigating all of this stuff as a married woman in a few days. I don't think R would ever prevent me from being friends with someone because of gender... he's secure enough that it wouldn't worry him. But then I don't think I would ever hang out with another man, except as part of a group.
It doesn't help that I relate to men better than to women... Relationships with women can be so complicated and catty at times. Why is that?! Wow, I'm so tired right now... I think I need to take a break away from the nurses station (how about a break at home in my own bed! Two more hours to go!)
It's approximately 10 pm on a Wednesday night. I worked the night shift last night, and today I came in early for the evening shift... So I'll be out of here in two hours. Thank goodness! I had errands to do when I got off work this morning, so it was about 11:30 when I finally got to bed... And I woke up at 2:30 to get ready to come back in. So I got all of 3 hours of sleep... not exactly what I require.
Today before I came back into work, I checked my email, and there was a hello from a friend I haven't talked with for a year or so. He is another one who is now married and has a baby... But I didn't find his email weird at all. We went on a few dates, but we weren't ever an "item"- so I don't think anything is up when I hear from him. Can men and women just be friends? I think so. It depends on the people! There are men that I know I can't be friends with, and there are others that I wish I'd established a better friendship with when I'd had the opportunity. It will be interesting navigating all of this stuff as a married woman in a few days. I don't think R would ever prevent me from being friends with someone because of gender... he's secure enough that it wouldn't worry him. But then I don't think I would ever hang out with another man, except as part of a group.
It doesn't help that I relate to men better than to women... Relationships with women can be so complicated and catty at times. Why is that?! Wow, I'm so tired right now... I think I need to take a break away from the nurses station (how about a break at home in my own bed! Two more hours to go!)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Saying No
Why oh why is it so hard to say no? This morning I had the distinct displeasure of telling my florist that I want her services for the ceremony only (a friend of my sister's is doing the reception centerpieces). This has been the plan all along, but the professional florist had built a quote around including an arrangement for the sign-in table, the head table, and blooms for the cake. When her final quote came in on Friday morning, it was shocking. I had a general idea beforehand, but once she added in her delivery fees and sales tax, it was way too expensive. I talked with R, and he agreed. So this morning, before taking the final payment to her, I had to break the news that we didn't want those things. Wow, she sure did lay on the guilt... Nice and thick! She responded with comments like, "So you really don't want to make your guests feel welcomed when they arrive at the reception"- that sort of thing.
She had to cut our conversation short and call me back a few times, so I had to reiterate my wishes and not succumb to the pressure more than once. It was brutal. I had butterflies in my stomach and felt like crap all morning. Finally she seemed to accept what I was telling her and tallied up my new total... but then told me to "bring cash" for my payment. What?? I felt like I was part of a drug deal or something! It didn't leave me with a good feeling. As it turned out, we gave her a check for the balance due... Which is exactly what my budget bridal book says not to do (it instructs, "always pay for wedding purchases via credit card"- that way if there are any disputes, the purchaser is protected). So now I have to wonder, is this florist planning to do a mediocre job? Or renege on the contract, out of spite because I wanted to reduce the tab? I sure hope not. In this day and age (with internet word-of-mouth, facebook, yelp, etc) I doubt any vendor would risk their livelihood out of spite, but it gives me the chills nonetheless!
My morning went from bad to worse when R told me that E wanted to speak with me about getting a sweater to wear over her gown. Firstly, let me say that I'm thrilled that everyone is communicating again. As I knew he would, R got over the fact that E left UCLA early. E has been part of our wedding plans again for the past month or two... And I knew she wanted to get some sort of cover-up. But suddenly this morning, it became my responsibility. At first, I called her and told her we could go look for something together. I appreciate that she wanted my opinion and didn't simply go purchase something on her own. But soon I just felt overwhelmed... I have so much to do, with so few days to do it in, and the last thing I felt like doing was going on a shopping trip. I immediately got on the internet and began hunting.
Although it wouldn't be the end of the world, I don't want E wearing a sweater if none of the other bridesmaids are... So it became necessary to find something suitable for everyone. What to choose? A faux fur wrap? Those tend not to cover the collarbone, so I knew E wouldn't be happy with that. A pashmina shawl? Not enough time for shipping, and besides, what color? Finally I found a somewhat pricey heather gray sweater at Macys. The color will match the silver shoes the bridesmaids are wearing, and the style (cropped, with 3/4 sleeves and a ruffle detail) should go with their dresses. I added them to my shopping cart, selected expedited shipping, and threw two purses for me in the cart for good measure. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. It was a lot of work finding something! On a positive note, I no longer have to come up with attendant gifts for them. I just wish I had taken care of it sooner... I was already not feeling fabulous, and it further sucked the energy out of me. There is just too much left to do before next weekend, and I work most of the week preceding my wedding day. Luckily, I do have one day off before the big day... I'm going to need it!
The rest of my day was spent heading over to the nearest Sephora store with R. Last week we talked about going together, but today he seemed to have selective amnesia. Finally I convinced him to go (he needed a few things from a men's line that they sell). I didn't want to do it alone, but maybe I should have... No sooner had we arrived and a sales associate was applying makeup to my face when he began pointing at his watch. So I allowed myself to be suckered into buying the $60 foundation the associate was applying, and randomly grabbed assorted other products, and that was it. I felt pressured... I wanted time to find and try just the right makeup products for next Saturday. I can't blame R, though. Tonight is his Bachelor Party, so he needed to get home. When we finally got home, he had just enough time to get ready, and then he was gone. He did say to me, "I'd rather be spending the evening with you." Awww, that's sweet :-) and I believe it, too!
Tomorrow is our rehearsal. Our photographer will be joining us to take some pictures, so that's cool. We didn't do an engagement session, so we haven't had the chance to get to know him very well. I think tomorrow will be great! I'd like to have a wedding-day itinerary and the shot list ready for him tomorrow, but I don't feel up to working on it right now. Instead I think I'll do some laundry and go to bed! I have no idea when R is due home. I'm sure it won't be too late, but I don't want to wait up. I feel weary, and a good night's sleep should do wonders.
She had to cut our conversation short and call me back a few times, so I had to reiterate my wishes and not succumb to the pressure more than once. It was brutal. I had butterflies in my stomach and felt like crap all morning. Finally she seemed to accept what I was telling her and tallied up my new total... but then told me to "bring cash" for my payment. What?? I felt like I was part of a drug deal or something! It didn't leave me with a good feeling. As it turned out, we gave her a check for the balance due... Which is exactly what my budget bridal book says not to do (it instructs, "always pay for wedding purchases via credit card"- that way if there are any disputes, the purchaser is protected). So now I have to wonder, is this florist planning to do a mediocre job? Or renege on the contract, out of spite because I wanted to reduce the tab? I sure hope not. In this day and age (with internet word-of-mouth, facebook, yelp, etc) I doubt any vendor would risk their livelihood out of spite, but it gives me the chills nonetheless!
My morning went from bad to worse when R told me that E wanted to speak with me about getting a sweater to wear over her gown. Firstly, let me say that I'm thrilled that everyone is communicating again. As I knew he would, R got over the fact that E left UCLA early. E has been part of our wedding plans again for the past month or two... And I knew she wanted to get some sort of cover-up. But suddenly this morning, it became my responsibility. At first, I called her and told her we could go look for something together. I appreciate that she wanted my opinion and didn't simply go purchase something on her own. But soon I just felt overwhelmed... I have so much to do, with so few days to do it in, and the last thing I felt like doing was going on a shopping trip. I immediately got on the internet and began hunting.
Although it wouldn't be the end of the world, I don't want E wearing a sweater if none of the other bridesmaids are... So it became necessary to find something suitable for everyone. What to choose? A faux fur wrap? Those tend not to cover the collarbone, so I knew E wouldn't be happy with that. A pashmina shawl? Not enough time for shipping, and besides, what color? Finally I found a somewhat pricey heather gray sweater at Macys. The color will match the silver shoes the bridesmaids are wearing, and the style (cropped, with 3/4 sleeves and a ruffle detail) should go with their dresses. I added them to my shopping cart, selected expedited shipping, and threw two purses for me in the cart for good measure. I guess I was feeling sorry for myself. It was a lot of work finding something! On a positive note, I no longer have to come up with attendant gifts for them. I just wish I had taken care of it sooner... I was already not feeling fabulous, and it further sucked the energy out of me. There is just too much left to do before next weekend, and I work most of the week preceding my wedding day. Luckily, I do have one day off before the big day... I'm going to need it!
The rest of my day was spent heading over to the nearest Sephora store with R. Last week we talked about going together, but today he seemed to have selective amnesia. Finally I convinced him to go (he needed a few things from a men's line that they sell). I didn't want to do it alone, but maybe I should have... No sooner had we arrived and a sales associate was applying makeup to my face when he began pointing at his watch. So I allowed myself to be suckered into buying the $60 foundation the associate was applying, and randomly grabbed assorted other products, and that was it. I felt pressured... I wanted time to find and try just the right makeup products for next Saturday. I can't blame R, though. Tonight is his Bachelor Party, so he needed to get home. When we finally got home, he had just enough time to get ready, and then he was gone. He did say to me, "I'd rather be spending the evening with you." Awww, that's sweet :-) and I believe it, too!
Tomorrow is our rehearsal. Our photographer will be joining us to take some pictures, so that's cool. We didn't do an engagement session, so we haven't had the chance to get to know him very well. I think tomorrow will be great! I'd like to have a wedding-day itinerary and the shot list ready for him tomorrow, but I don't feel up to working on it right now. Instead I think I'll do some laundry and go to bed! I have no idea when R is due home. I'm sure it won't be too late, but I don't want to wait up. I feel weary, and a good night's sleep should do wonders.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Career Thoughts
My wedding day is just over a week away... Eeek! There is a lot that still needs to happen. Way back in the early planning stages of the wedding, I wanted it to be an event to remember. I sweated the details, and my sister said to me, "Just wait until the end... You won't care about the minutiae anymore." A coworker who had recently married said the same thing- at the end, you're so weary from so many decisions that when you're asked, "This one or that one?", it no longer matters. I found what they were telling me hard to believe! But it seems to be true to some extent. I still care about the details, but I guess you could say that I've given it to a higher power...
Our day will go off flawlessly, or it won't. Our guests will enjoy themselves, or they won't. I'll be a beautiful bride, or I won't! At this point, I have peace because I know that I've devoted a significant chunk of time to the process. I can feel good about the amount of time and energy that I've committed, regardless of the outcome. What I know for sure is that there is going to be a wedding on March 20th, complete with a groom and guests. That's what matters. The rest is really icing on the cake (What a perfect cliche!). I feel fairly confident that it's going to be great. Among other things, the weather forecast is looking good (for both the rehearsal this Sunday and for the wedding!) Hooray for that!
Now that the wedding is close to being a lovely memory, I find myself thinking ahead to career matters. I've also been thinking more about motherhood, but that's an issue I can't resolve right now. Some days I want a child, other days I am decidedly for childlessness. In any case, that decision is going to have to wait until my career path is clearer. In his first marriage, R became " Mr. Mom" because his wife felt the need to go back to school while working full time. He was working full-time as well, but became responsible for getting E dressed, fed, and off to daycare. He gave his exwife an ultimatum- career or family, and she chose her career. Their marriage ended because of it, and all of this happened before E entered elementary school! It's a sad story, but also very instructive. If R and I have a child, I will not have the luxury of staying home. So in other words, once that baby comes along, my future will be locked in. I won't be able to go to school (or risk losing him the way his ex did), and I won't be able to devote myself to career motherhood. Perhaps his ex and I are not so different... I long for a future I can be proud of. If I was to become pregnant tomorrow and get locked into the position I'm in now, I'm absolutely certain I would be unhappy.
As hard as it is, I'm going to have to put the decision off even longer. It will probably take at least two or three years to become trained for a better job. So now we're looking at pregnancy at age 35 or 36... Scary. I don't want a Down Syndrome child. Every child is a blessing, but I don't feel equipped for that. So in a way, my fertility is slipping away, and I'm standing on the sidelines waving goodbye to it. What else can I do? I don't want to be unhappy in my career, and I will be if I don't make a change. What I'm doing now grows more tedious by the day. I get bored easily and I need to be challenged. I joked with someone once that since I've been in this position, my brain has progressively atrophied while my ass has progressively widened (pardon my French!). That's a rather crude way to put it, but it's true.
So what can I do? When I first returned to health care and worked in transportation, I had the opportunity to see the entire medical center and to interact with individuals in a wide range of patient care positions. A few things caught my eye: Firstly, I was intrigued by the blood bank. As it turns out, Cal State Dominguez Hills (one of the nearest and most affordable colleges) has a program to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist. It's an in-demand field and pays pretty well. A pro for pursuing a degree in CLS is that it would give me the opportunity to finish up a lot of the classes I would have taken for my degree in Biology... Something I would like to someday do anyway. A con for this career avenue is that the lab is always busy, and the people who work there don't seem uniformly happy. They work the same tough hours (shift work and required holidays) as nurses and other members of the health care team. And although the position is very nerdy/ mechanical (which I'm drawn to!) , I do enjoy patient contact. I guess I'm an introvert, but I really like people. People make things interesting. I'm not sure working with other nerdy lab types would be enough for me.
Another option that I think would suit me better would be to pursue a professional career in a field like Pharmacy or Optometry. I can totally "see" myself (hee hee!) working happily in either of these fields. They require intelligence, some mechanical aptitude (more so for Optometry) and attention to detail, which I enjoy, and also pay well, have pretty good hours, and have patient contact. Both of these are professions in the true sense of the word- they are autonomous, highly respected positions. I like that! But there are problems... Firstly, they each require the premed sequence of sciences. I've taken nearly all of the required classes, but I earned a few mediocre grades. These professions are also very competitive and require a hefty time commitment. In both cases, the only Southern California programs are offered at expensive private schools that aren't exactly nearby (Optometry is in Fullerton, Pharmacy in Pomona or at USC). I applied for Optometry school once before (way back in '03 I think!), and didn't get in.
A third option is to become a PA, NP, or Clinical Nurse Specialist. Way back at age 18, I wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. I've taken a "pre-PA" program through Mount San Antonio College (a while ago- back in '03 or '04), and I know what it takes to be a competitive applicant. I know it's something I can do. I'm drawn more towards being a PA than an NP, firstly because the time commitment is shorter, but also (more importantly) because of the focus of the training. Practically speaking, PA's and NP's are extremely similar, but NP's are trained with the nursing model and PA's are trained with the medical model... and I prefer the latter. It's more in line with how my brain works.
There are other options that I toy around with, too... Such as Cardiovascular Technology. Since I work on a Tele floor, it's a no-brainer- it would be a natural career progression for me. Echo Techs work autonomously, and it is a well paying position, but the training programs are similar to X-Ray and Ultrasound Tech programs-- they're offered at the community college level and therefore don't come with advanced degrees. There are also only two Cardiovascular Tech programs in Southern California, and only one is within driving distance (one is offered at OCC in Costa Mesa, the other way south in San Diego county).
Then there are the fields of Physical and Occupational Therapy. Physical Therapy has always attracted me, but Cal State Northridge is not within driving distance, and Cal State Long Beach is impacted, so I think that's out. Then there's Occupational Therapy-- this is something that never really appealed to me until now. At all of the treatment programs Emily has been to, there has been an OT on staff organizing craft and art therapy projects for the patients. OT's also work in schools. How cool is that? And lucky for me, there is a Master's Degree program at nearby CSUDH.
So there are some good options out there. There are many other health care options worthy of exploration that don't involve direct patient care... but I see myself happiest working with patients in some capacity. I'd like to explore some of these options further by shadowing professionals for a day or two (or longer, if my interest is piqued). I plan to try to set something up ASAP (but let me focus on the wedding first- just one more week!)
Our day will go off flawlessly, or it won't. Our guests will enjoy themselves, or they won't. I'll be a beautiful bride, or I won't! At this point, I have peace because I know that I've devoted a significant chunk of time to the process. I can feel good about the amount of time and energy that I've committed, regardless of the outcome. What I know for sure is that there is going to be a wedding on March 20th, complete with a groom and guests. That's what matters. The rest is really icing on the cake (What a perfect cliche!). I feel fairly confident that it's going to be great. Among other things, the weather forecast is looking good (for both the rehearsal this Sunday and for the wedding!) Hooray for that!
Now that the wedding is close to being a lovely memory, I find myself thinking ahead to career matters. I've also been thinking more about motherhood, but that's an issue I can't resolve right now. Some days I want a child, other days I am decidedly for childlessness. In any case, that decision is going to have to wait until my career path is clearer. In his first marriage, R became " Mr. Mom" because his wife felt the need to go back to school while working full time. He was working full-time as well, but became responsible for getting E dressed, fed, and off to daycare. He gave his exwife an ultimatum- career or family, and she chose her career. Their marriage ended because of it, and all of this happened before E entered elementary school! It's a sad story, but also very instructive. If R and I have a child, I will not have the luxury of staying home. So in other words, once that baby comes along, my future will be locked in. I won't be able to go to school (or risk losing him the way his ex did), and I won't be able to devote myself to career motherhood. Perhaps his ex and I are not so different... I long for a future I can be proud of. If I was to become pregnant tomorrow and get locked into the position I'm in now, I'm absolutely certain I would be unhappy.
As hard as it is, I'm going to have to put the decision off even longer. It will probably take at least two or three years to become trained for a better job. So now we're looking at pregnancy at age 35 or 36... Scary. I don't want a Down Syndrome child. Every child is a blessing, but I don't feel equipped for that. So in a way, my fertility is slipping away, and I'm standing on the sidelines waving goodbye to it. What else can I do? I don't want to be unhappy in my career, and I will be if I don't make a change. What I'm doing now grows more tedious by the day. I get bored easily and I need to be challenged. I joked with someone once that since I've been in this position, my brain has progressively atrophied while my ass has progressively widened (pardon my French!). That's a rather crude way to put it, but it's true.
So what can I do? When I first returned to health care and worked in transportation, I had the opportunity to see the entire medical center and to interact with individuals in a wide range of patient care positions. A few things caught my eye: Firstly, I was intrigued by the blood bank. As it turns out, Cal State Dominguez Hills (one of the nearest and most affordable colleges) has a program to become a Clinical Laboratory Scientist. It's an in-demand field and pays pretty well. A pro for pursuing a degree in CLS is that it would give me the opportunity to finish up a lot of the classes I would have taken for my degree in Biology... Something I would like to someday do anyway. A con for this career avenue is that the lab is always busy, and the people who work there don't seem uniformly happy. They work the same tough hours (shift work and required holidays) as nurses and other members of the health care team. And although the position is very nerdy/ mechanical (which I'm drawn to!) , I do enjoy patient contact. I guess I'm an introvert, but I really like people. People make things interesting. I'm not sure working with other nerdy lab types would be enough for me.
Another option that I think would suit me better would be to pursue a professional career in a field like Pharmacy or Optometry. I can totally "see" myself (hee hee!) working happily in either of these fields. They require intelligence, some mechanical aptitude (more so for Optometry) and attention to detail, which I enjoy, and also pay well, have pretty good hours, and have patient contact. Both of these are professions in the true sense of the word- they are autonomous, highly respected positions. I like that! But there are problems... Firstly, they each require the premed sequence of sciences. I've taken nearly all of the required classes, but I earned a few mediocre grades. These professions are also very competitive and require a hefty time commitment. In both cases, the only Southern California programs are offered at expensive private schools that aren't exactly nearby (Optometry is in Fullerton, Pharmacy in Pomona or at USC). I applied for Optometry school once before (way back in '03 I think!), and didn't get in.
A third option is to become a PA, NP, or Clinical Nurse Specialist. Way back at age 18, I wanted to become a Nurse Practitioner. I've taken a "pre-PA" program through Mount San Antonio College (a while ago- back in '03 or '04), and I know what it takes to be a competitive applicant. I know it's something I can do. I'm drawn more towards being a PA than an NP, firstly because the time commitment is shorter, but also (more importantly) because of the focus of the training. Practically speaking, PA's and NP's are extremely similar, but NP's are trained with the nursing model and PA's are trained with the medical model... and I prefer the latter. It's more in line with how my brain works.
There are other options that I toy around with, too... Such as Cardiovascular Technology. Since I work on a Tele floor, it's a no-brainer- it would be a natural career progression for me. Echo Techs work autonomously, and it is a well paying position, but the training programs are similar to X-Ray and Ultrasound Tech programs-- they're offered at the community college level and therefore don't come with advanced degrees. There are also only two Cardiovascular Tech programs in Southern California, and only one is within driving distance (one is offered at OCC in Costa Mesa, the other way south in San Diego county).
Then there are the fields of Physical and Occupational Therapy. Physical Therapy has always attracted me, but Cal State Northridge is not within driving distance, and Cal State Long Beach is impacted, so I think that's out. Then there's Occupational Therapy-- this is something that never really appealed to me until now. At all of the treatment programs Emily has been to, there has been an OT on staff organizing craft and art therapy projects for the patients. OT's also work in schools. How cool is that? And lucky for me, there is a Master's Degree program at nearby CSUDH.
So there are some good options out there. There are many other health care options worthy of exploration that don't involve direct patient care... but I see myself happiest working with patients in some capacity. I'd like to explore some of these options further by shadowing professionals for a day or two (or longer, if my interest is piqued). I plan to try to set something up ASAP (but let me focus on the wedding first- just one more week!)
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