I'm more than half-way through my work week- yippee! Yesterday was an interesting day. I was still awake when R came home for lunch- I had stayed up a few extra hours listening to some church sermons via the internet. I'm not a practicing Christian at the moment, but I did love my former church, so when a friend mentioned in an email a few months ago that the pastor was starting a series on how to have a strong family, it caught my attention (if you're out there, N, thanks for the info!). Less than two weeks into my marriage, married life is still blissful. I'm not anticipating any problems, but life is crazy enough and relationships are complicated enough that I wholeheartedly welcome the wisdom of others (and in this case, the wisdom comes from a very trusted source). I've never been one to turn my back on knowledge, and I definitely feel that my marriage is a relationship worth protecting and nurturing!
I wish I could figure out my spiritual/ religious status... Do I or don't I still believe? Do I or don't I want to find a new church home? I often think that I do, but then there are constant reminders of why I left- Christianity is a worldview, and while I agree with the person and principles of Jesus Christ, Christians themselves are a major turn-off. One old friend, in particular, just rankles me with his pro-Republican rants on Facebook. I find myself wondering, "Is he a Christian first, and then a Republican, or is he a Republican, with Christianity merely one part of a larger ideological package?" I guess I shouldn't let the beliefs of one person sway me so much, but it's not just him... Another person who occasionally posts to his facebook page just happens to be a leader at my former church. I've never met this man, but he wears the mantel, "associate pastor"- and he also unabashedly spews pro-Republican ideology. It isn't Christlike, and it isn't something that I want to be associated with. Leave politics out of faith!!!
So anyway, I was awake past my bed time yesterday, so I was up when R came home from work for lunch. Everything seemed normal- just another day. But then when he arrived home at the end of the day, he asked me to come outside for a minute... And a new car was sitting in the driveway! Part of me wanted to be angry about it- now that we're married, shouldn't we make such major decisions as partners? But I wasn't angry. His car was nine years old, and we've had dozens of conversations about replacing it with this particular vehicle. In fact, we spotted one in a parking lot over the weekend and talked about it. We also spotted my ideal car- a Volvo C-30... then saw on the news that Volvo has just been purchased from Ford by a Chinese auto company... Bummer. It's not nearly as attractive now. But I don't need a new car anyway... Mine has approximately 55 thousand miles on it. It was time for him, though- there's nothing to be mad about. He isn't going through a mid-life crisis. He got the base model, walked out the door with 1.9% APR... Very reasonable!
Coincidentally, though, he had to say no to E yesterday when she asked for $1000 dollars for dental work. The child is 19 years old and will be having a root canal later today. That's sad... It's the eating disorder, of course. Purging destroys teeth. Her mother called and wanted R to pay for it. E has dental coverage through her dad, and the annual limit is approximately $1000 dollars... She has already maxed that out, apparently. R is never privy to what's going on with his daughter, but that doesn't stop anyone from asking for money. He said no over the phone, but then E asked to come over to fill out a job application via the internet. She arrived during dinner, and immediately asked if the meal we were preparing was cooked with olive oil (she doesn't consume anything with it). When her dad told her that there wasn't enough for her to share our meal, she became angry... and claimed that there wasn't any food at her mom's house. R tried to get to the bottom of what she was feeling, but couldn't make much progress. Basically, she wanted the money for her dental work and she wanted to leave. He wrote her a check for half the amount, and gave her some cash so she could buy some meals for herself, and she left. An hour or so later, she called from home and was apparently asking about the car over the phone... It sounded like he was having to justify the purchase to her.
It's a tough situation... From her perspective, he probably seems selfish. But he works hard- he shouldn't have to explain anything to her. If he wants to get a new car, he has earned it. Her dental work is not something that he should simply hand a check over for, without any questions asked, without her mom participating. It is all the more frustrating because she is making a choice to destroy herself. A 19 year old shouldn't need a root canal. Further, she chooses not to go to school and not to get a job. Because of her dad, she has access to mental health care and physical health care. He is not withholding anything from her. She has everything she needs. Sure, one could argue that instead of using his car as a trade-in yesterday, he could have given it to her (she has a used car already, but it has some mechanical problems and she doesn't like it). But he tried long ago to teach her to drive his car (a manual transmission) and she didn't want to learn. What can he do? She seems angry with him, but the ball is in her court. He is always available to spend time with and to participate in her life... All she has to do is ask.
The meal incident was frustrating... She made it sound as though her mom is starving her. A more likely story is that her eating disorder has morphed into an extreme bulimia and her mom may be rationing food out of financial necessity.
Our wedding night, R and I stayed in a hotel. He asked E to spend the night at our house to watch over things and keep the dogs company. She did so. The following morning, she watched us open gifts and recorded what we received. Afterward, I said something about having a piece of wedding cake for breakfast, and she said she needed to get going. But before she left, she announced that our wedding cake had collapsed and that one of our toilets was backing up (we've never had plumbing problems, so I think it's safe to assume she was binging and purging in our absence). Not exactly the news we wanted to hear, but we took it in stride. The cake had in fact collapsed, but it also appeared that some of it was missing. We treated the plumbing system with drain opener and R headed out to do some grocery shopping. Before he left, he started a load of laundry. I was in the bedroom adjacent to the laundry room when I noticed that the entire room and bathroom were under 2" of water... The washing machine wasn't draining. Once again, I took it in stride. I opened a door to the backyard and swept the water outside, placed towels on the carpet adjacent to the tile that was wicking up water, and toweled off the floor as best I could. I had to wring out several towels several times.... Then draped them over our outdoor table and chairs. I wanted to cry, but instead I talked myself through what I needed to do and I did it. When R got home, I said to him matter of factly, "We gave her more responsibility than she could handle." It's true- we did. We left her alone in the house for the first time, and with two boxes full of wedding cake in the refrigerator. I'm sure that as happy as she may have been about our marriage, it was a hard day for her. I'm sure it unleashed a lot of emotions. So in a way, leaving her in the house with the cake was akin to placing a carton of cigarettes in front of a recovering smoker and then leaving them alone. What did we think would happen? It was poor planning on our part. Still, it was disappointing. I don't know how to approach my relationship with her. She seems hell-bent on destroying herself, and I don't know that there's anything I can do to stop her. I just have to manage the collateral damage as best I can. And pray...
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