Last night was my last night of work this week... All in all, not a bad first week back post-wedding. Post wedding bliss is still with me- now and then I'll remember something from the day, and I can almost relive the joy and excitement! And there are reminders everywhere: wedding gifts are stacked neatly behind the couch, wedding kites are stacked neatly in the front room, the dog photos I took (S and C dressed in a wedding gown and tux!) are still right by the front door... Oh yes, and my bouquet is still hanging in there, in a vase on the table! Once the flowers have reached the end of their life and the wedding gifts are all put away, it will be a little bit sad. I don't want to forget our special day! I guess it's silly to think that I would: I'll have my memories forever. And there's so much to do still- getting my name changed at Social Security, writing and mailing thank-yous, and best of all, we still have yet to see proofs of our photos! That will be fun!
Fortunately, my week back at work was pretty easy. Or perhaps you could say, "unfortunately"-- it was pretty boring! The hospital is undergoing a very carefully planned infrastructure upgrade (installation of plumbing isolation valves). So all of the patients in the tower portion of the hospital had to be moved to other units. That's 102 beds shut down for the weekend! It's huge. R is in fact at work right now, since he's in charge of disaster preparedness, and this is considered a code orange alert. The command center is open and a lot of administrative staff is working the weekend. R will be there until midnight, and has committed to be there for part of the day tomorrow. There has been so much planning that I'm sure the upgrade will go off without a hitch! When I left work this morning, only 5 patients remained on my unit. Two were expected to be discharged home, and beds had been assigned for the others... So things seemed very much under control.
With wedding stuff off my radar, I've been thinking a lot about career advancement. I don't know where to go from here... not yet, anyway. I've applied a few times for the local nursing program, but it's a lottery system, so who knows if/when that will ever pan out. Last night one of the nurses at work was complaining about how expensive a minor repair to her BMW is going to be... Poor baby! Sometimes I can see myself as an RN, sometimes I can't. The job security is awfully attractive, and I sure wouldn't mind making enough to afford a BMW (not that I'd be spending my money on one, but it would be nice to have that kind of security). I love the camaraderie that the nurses on my unit seem to have. It's a tough unit, with a lot of very sick patients. There is definitely a sense that the nurses are "in the trenches"- and that seems pretty cool! On the other hand, being "in the trenches" 40 hours a week is no easy task. They do well financially, but they sure do earn their wages. I'm not averse to hard work, but I wonder if the perks are worth the stress.
I wonder if the nurses I work with are happy. At the end of the day, are they fulfilled? They work hard, but do they walk away from the medical center feeling as though they've made the world a better place? I hate to say it, but some of the patients we get are so incredibly sick that it's not so much making their lives better as it is simply getting them well enough to go back to wherever it is that they came from (home, skilled nursing facility). A lot of them aren't ever going to get any better, and it doesn't seem particularly rewarding to work with them. A lot of patients die on my unit. They have reached that phase of their lives. A few "frequent fliers" passed away recently. Firstly, there was a police officer who was in a motorcycle vs truck accident more than a year ago. I pray that he is at peace, because he sure did have a tough journey. He seemed intent on dying (pulling out his trach, pulling out his g-tube). I don't know if he had a brain injury immediately after his accident, but his repeated attempts to remove the many tubes keeping him alive left him in a state... So be at peace, that is my prayer! For him and for his family, which sadly included a wife and young son. Be at peace...!
I used to feel good working in the hospital, I think because it made me feel normal. Life and death defined my life before I met Robert and in the first few years of our relationship. Maybe I need to move on, but I still feel shell-shocked by my losses. Our life together is filled with joy and hope for the future, yet I still having nagging worries that I'm going to experience more loss. It used to feel noble (or something!) being among people who were accustomed to these emotions... but now I wonder if I need a less morbid vocation. Can I move on if I'm constantly exposing myself to this kind of pain? On my last day of work before the wedding, I worked the evening shift instead of my usual graveyard, and I saw for the first time the neurologist who diagnosed my dad with ALS. It was a bad experience for him, and he did not especially like her. I guess she told him his diagnosis in a very cold, matter of fact manner, only days before Christmas. It left a bad taste in his mouth. So I knew her by name, and I knew she still worked for the medical center... Still it was a little surreal seeing her in person. A man came up to the nurses station and asked if I would page a physician for him, and it was her. I think he worked with the IT Department, because he had a PC on a cart nearby. Soon, she was standing not five feet from me, conversing with him. I found myself wondering if she could see my badge (unlikely) and if she did, would my unusual last name remind her of my dad? (Also extremely unlikely).
Sometimes it's a little eerie to think that I work in the medical center that my dad and his wife received so much bad news in. Sometimes I wonder if I encounter people they encountered. I've been with the organization for almost two years, they haven't been here for a good ten years (they moved away in approximately 2000, my dad died in 2002) so who knows. It's not all sadness, though! My brother was born in the hospital back in 1993! Of course, where he was born is the oldest part of the hospital. A new L&D unit was built a few years ago, and the old unit will be torn down soon (part of why the infrastructure upgrade is now taking place). It's just kind of funny that so much of my family either originated in the South Bay (my mom) or ended up here (first my dad, now me). I'm happy to be here, but it's a little bit haunting, too. Now, on that note, I think it's time for bed. Hopefully I haven't just given myself nightmares! R won't be home for a few hours, but I have the dogs to protect me! I could stay up and watch HGTV or something, but I've only had a few hours sleep since I got off work this morning. The sooner I catch some zzz's, the sooner I can get up and have some coffee and enjoy my weekend off!
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