Maybe...?

Yesterday was Earth Day.  On Channel 7's World News (toward the end of the broadcast) Diane Sawyer mentioned something about a whale that had beached itself and died recently...  I wasn't paying attention when she named the location.  Suffice to say it was somewhere in the continental USA.  Anyway, the contents of the whale's stomach were examined and found to include a pair of sweatpants, a golf ball, and twenty plastic bags.  Sad...

Here at work we celebrated Earth Day in style...  With an e-waste event.  R and I didn't contribute anything, but apparently turn out was pretty good.  That makes me happy.  So we celebrate "Mother Earth" for one day each year- could be better, could be worse.  The manager of the unit that I work on gave me a card which contained some cash- how thoughtful and totally unexpected!  Hopefully it's not a parting gift (since apparently she's fighting to keep our jobs right now)!

About mothers...  First Earth Day, and next month Mother's day.  Funny, it's a club I'm less ambivalent about joining.  R and I haven't been practicing "safe sex" since we've been married, and I'm ok with that.  In fact, I feel funny as I sit and write this.  Could it be?  Hmm.  I don't want to jinx myself, but I think it could be.  I've only been down this road once before, and it was four years ago, but I remember what I felt like, and it was not unlike this.  When I get off work in a few hours, I have a few errands to make.  I plan to stop at Target and pick a few things up, including some vitamins (better late than not at all) and some tests.  Feeling nervous about the whole thing!

Ok, it's half a day later now, and I think I'm losing my mind.  But hey, what else is new??  Sometimes, when women are desperate to be mommies, they will it to happen with such fervor that they become symptomatic.  At least I've read and heard of this happening.  It can't be happening to me, though!  I'm not that type!  Or am I??  Approximately two weeks ago, my breasts started to feel extra sensitive, and then for most of last night/ this morning at work I felt nauseated...  Picked up a package of tests at Target on my way home from work, used one right when I walked in the door, and it was negative.  Now, I didn't test with first pee of the day, and my period isn't exactly overdue yet...  So I guess it's still possible that what I was feeling was real.  I think I'll give it a few days before I try another test.   Actually, I'm suddenly feeling very crampy.  I guess my period is on it's way and this was all an interesting figment of my imagination.  Funny, because I'm not desperate to be a mother.  On the other hand, perhaps I am desperate to know that I'm fertile.  Years on the pill plus one miscarriage equals a whole lot of uncertainty about whether or not I can even create and nurture a life.  Add to that one husband 15 years my senior, and there's definitely reason for concern, at least if our plan is to be parents.

Update:  Yes, I got my period, and yes, I think I was probably pregnant for a week or two.  Early miscarriages are very common.  Old eggs plus old sperm = not such a big surprise, really.