A Surge of Optimism

I'm feeling good today.  I took the step of signing up for a local EMT class.  I worked as an EMT full time for 3 years more than a decade ago, and for years after that, I kept the certification up (in fact, I remember one year I was taking Organic Chemistry, and really needed to study for an exam...  Instead I found myself taking CEU's last minute so that the EMT certification wouldn't lapse!) Unfortunately, a few years back I allowed it to slip, then missed the recertification grace period by a month... So rather than simply doing a recert class and retesting, I found myself faced with the prospect of taking the entire class over again.  It's not a big deal- after years of recertfiying, I know the material like the back of my hand.  It should be a very easy undertaking.  Why bother, though... it's not like working as an EMT is a career, or that it would pay the bills...  But I definitely feel worried about my current position, and I want to keep my options open.  Working as an EMT in the Emergency Department with my current employer is something I could do, and if I renewed my phlebotomy, I would qualify for a position that pays better than what I'm doing now.  It would be grunt work, but at least it would be interesting. 

Perhaps 5 years ago now, I took an Emergency Department Tech course through the Center for Prehospital Care at UCLA.  It included 12-Lead EKG and Phlebotomy.  I sailed through the class (getting the highest scores in the end, despite being in class with some aspiring MD's), but I was in that phase of prolonged uncertainty about whether I wanted to ultimately work in health care or in planning or design.  I didn't do anything with the training, and as fate would have it, the licensing requirements to be a phlebotomist in California changed shortly after I completed the class, so I'll have to retake that, too.  Oy!  Oh well.

It's a day later (since I started to write this post)...  Surge of optimism??  Seriously?!  Maybe I'm just excited at the thought of being busy.  I don't know.  The class is accelerated, so it will only take me two months...  That's cool.  But it will be two months of sleep deprivation- getting off from work at 8 am, changing clothes, and hopping into my car for a (somewhat) short drive to the class location...  Class from 9 am to 3 pm (3 days per week)...  Home by 3:30, hopefully in bed by 4 pm, and up by 10:30 to get ready for work.  It's doable, but it requires discipline!  Luckily, approximately 1/4 of the classes coincide with days off, so it won't be too bad.

Speaking of classes, and discipline or lack there-of...  I've officially quit Optifast.  After the wedding, I just wasn't "feeling it"...  I need to be there, but I don't feel like I can really effect change in my behaviors until the circumstances that prompt me to engage in those behaviors change (read, I get off nights).  When will that be?  I have no idea.  I feel a little bit bad about quitting the class, but only a little bit.  R seems to be more disappointed than I am.  This evening before work he was making comments, hinting about my weight...  Not nice.  He doesn't seem to know that men shouldn't go there with their wives.  It isn't motivational, really...  It pretty much only served to piss me off!  Not that I want to be fat...  Or do I?  I don't, but it is a protective mechanism, a way to hide...  And right now my life is uninspiring and I don't feel engaged with it.  I guess I am hiding.  I don't know.  I'm not in a psychoanalytical mood, so I guess I'll sign off and revisit all of this later.