Tired

Today I received an email from my little brother.  I wrote to him recently to wish him a happy birthday, but I wasn't sure my email had been received.  It was wonderful hearing from him, but draining, too- not because of who he is (he's a great young man who I'm sure will accomplish great things in life!), but because of our shared loss.

My brother was born shortly after I graduated from high school, and is now a teenager.  We share the same dad.  Sadly, our dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease when my brother was just a little boy, shortly after his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

His mom was born and raised in Sweden, and out of concern that her only child could very well end up an orphan, decided to return there with him, where he would have the love and support of her family.  My dad moved there as well, and lived there for approximately two years before losing the battle with ALS.

I love my brother, but reminders of my dad put me in such a state.  Most of the time, I am fine, but today I made the mistake of reading through some emails written around the time he died.  It has been nearly 8 years.

It is my great hope that the losses I've experienced will inform the way that I care for my patients as a nurse.  I believe that they will, but I also believe that nursing will be an emotionally draining profession for me.  I have great capacity for empathy- this is a blessing, but could also prove to be an occupational hazard!

I need to find a specialty in nursing that doesn't leave me perpetually broken down.  I refuse to become hardened, but I will not be successful without some emotional distance.