Having a yucky day... I'm not sure why. I find myself thinking about all kinds of sad things, like my dad... Like a little ball of cells that could have been a baby if I hadn't miscarried way back when... That one shouldn't matter. It wasn't planned, just a little ball of cells that didn't even have a heartbeat yet. Early miscarriage is very common, and the ball of cells wasn't exactly received with open arms at the time, so why mourn? Why am I even thinking about it? I guess because that was just one more piece of the life that I wanted that died and is gone forever. So much of the life that I wanted has slipped through my fingers. It's all dust anyway, so why am I fighting it? Why am I arguing with the natural order of life? Life is life and death.
I'm alone this evening because R is visiting E at UCLA, as he should. If his visits will make the difference between her success and failure, then as far as I'm concerned he should be there 24-7. Unfortunately, it isn't that simple. And sadly, anorexia is a lot like drug addiction. If the addict isn't ready to change, you can do everything for them and it won't matter. Early in E's treatment, she was very manipulative of the people around her. She also was determined to fight treatment every step of the way. There was always a reason why this program was bad or that doctor was wrong... And she played her parents against one another. At one point, Kaiser (which she has through her dad) wasn't good enough. She convinced her mom of this, so her mom sought treatment for her through her own insurance. Unfortunately, what she had was an 80/20 policy. R had no idea, or he probably would have insisted she stay with Kaiser (which is full coverage). With treatment bills in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, an 80/20 policy is not such a good thing! What was her share of the bill when all was said and done? 20K? 40K? I have no idea. The thing is, I don't think E understood. It was all a game at that point in time. The game included lying, running away from hospitals and treatment facilities in the middle of the night... So much drama. It has been hard. I'm not even her parent and I feel the burden.
But getting back to what I started to say... her disorder is like drug addiction. You hear stories about parents who give up everything in the hope that they might save their addict child. They take out additional mortgages to pay for expensive treatment and they continue to receive that child with open arms regardless of how they are treated... In fact, they would rip their own hearts out for their children. That's the nature of parenthood.
I don't think that R would give up everything for E. He has more of a "tough love" stance. I think that's hard for her to accept. Her mom has been willing to drop everything for her, at a moments notice. R has not given everything up for his daughter, but he has been there. I think he has been a good dad throughout this journey. It hasn't been easy on me... I remember in the beginning of our relationship there were many lonely nights like this one. Or urgent phone calls in the middle of the night. There has also been the toll that it has taken on him... The anger, the grief, the exhaustion. The more it takes from him, the less I get.
But I'm not angry. I'm thankful for him. He was a part of my life when I was losing my grandmother to cancer. When she died, he invited me to move in with him. Without him, where would I be? Homeless? Maybe. We have been there for one another in difficult times, "for better or for worse." That part of our marriage vows should be easy. I'm lucky to have him and also thankful for E. I look forward to the day when she is able to have a full life without anorexia.
As for me, I'm just tired. I hope depression isn't creeping back in. When I had a bad day a week or two ago, I thought maybe it was. It turns out it was PMS. Wow, I've never been so happy about PMS before! Before I realized that was what was going on, I filled up my pill holder with antidepressants. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I didn't take any of them. A few days ago, I dumped all the pills back into the bottle and put everything away at the top of the closet. Now I'm thinking about pulling it all back out!
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