Welcome, 2010!

Twenty-ten is here.  So far, it's a pretty good year.  R and I have been taking long walks down Anchovy Avenue to Paseo del Mar and over to White Point, where we "ooh" and "ahh"at the crystal-clear view of Catalina Island, then head back up the hill...  I alternately beg him to carry me, pull me up the hill, or go get the car, but he refuses every time!  Somehow I survive.  He tells me, "One of these days this will be an easy walk for you!"-- Well, I'm still waiting for that to happen.  One of my co-workers is impressed that I do the stairs at work-- 5 flights with 25 steps each, up and down, ten times= 2,500 steps in twenty five minutes...  I guess it's nothing to sneeze at.  If I complain about the shape that I'm in, he tells me, "You're fit!", and I respond, "I suppose I'm fit-fat!"  In the whole scheme of things, "fit-fat" isn't such a bad thing to be.

My stint counting calories was short-lived.  I can't do it in good conscience.  I think it's human nature to want to obsess about things (or at least it's in my flawed nature to obsess), and and my weight is the last thing that I want to obsess about.  I say, to hell with it!  I need to model healthy behavior for my step-daughter-to-be.

Speaking of Emily, we got the call this evening that she may be checking out of treatment tomorrow.  We are both extremely disappointed.  I guess we thought that things would be different this time around.  Her rationale for leaving is that she has edema (swelling), and doesn't feel that she is receiving proper medical attention.  When a severe anorexic begins eating again, the body experiences tremendous stress.  The anorexic body has adapted itself to starvation, so reintroducing food can cause extremely dangerous shifts in fluid and electrolyte levels (a phenomenon known as Refeeding Syndrome).  As one might imagine, this can be deadly.  Acute heart failure is a possible side effect (Read more about this here).  Apparently E is fearful that the edema she is experiencing might indicate that her kidneys aren't working properly.  She is fearful of renal failure.  I don't have the medical knowledge to be able to speak to her concerns...  I think edema is in fact a normal part of the process and resolves itself over time, but I really don't know.  I did research the last time she was in treatment and experiencing these symptoms, but that was a few years ago.  I could easily spend hours on the computer researching again, but that wouldn't be healthy for me.  Eating disorders have an amazing destructive power that extends far beyond the body, mind, and spirit of the sufferer.  I've allowed her disorder to put me into a tailspin before but I think it's best that I maintain some distance this time around...  Call it an emotional quarantine. 

Once again I wonder if I'm cut out for parenting.  Even when it's good, it's very intense.  Call me selfish, but I like the idea of focusing my attention on myself and R.  There is a lot that I haven't done in my life.  Sometimes I think I'd like to be a parent simply because I don't want to be alone when I'm old...  How ridiculous!  Not a good reason to have kids!

On Christmas day I saw my uncle Steve, and he asked me if I ever see planes flying over the ocean near where I live.  As it turns out, he has some friends who fly over there, and who do aerobatics in their planes.  One of the friends flies a Sonex like Steve...  and  this has prompted my crazy uncle  to begin doing spins in his plane!  Awesome!  Someday, I have got to learn to fly.  Back in 1998 or 1999 I was actually planning to take lessons...  It was when I was applying to transfer to the UC schools, and I thoroughly expected to end up at UC Santa Barbara (I didn't anticipate getting accepted by Cal!) and I had it all planned out.  There's a baby-sized airport by the university, and even an all-female flight school...  How cool that would have been!  My plan for UCSB was to study Biopsychology... That would have been interesting!  Oh well, no regrets!  For all I know, I would have arrived at UCSB, joined a Sorority (yeah right, now I'm laughing out loud!) become a hardcore party girl, and dropped out of school.  Ha ha!  Best not to play the "what-if" game, but if you must, remember to include the negative scenarios, too!