Other Shades of Gray

My mom has been in town to help me get the unfinished wedding projects more under control...  So far, she's sewn a liner for the flower girl basket, sewn the ring bearer pillow, rented chairs and a PA system for the ceremony, and worked with my sister to get addresses together for invitations.  She has also done a fair amount of poking and prodding to ensure that things continue to move along!  So glad to have a mother in my life.

Yesterday I had my physical and body analysis for the weight loss program that I'm starting on Wednesday.  I hesitate to do it because of E...  Would it be a setback for her if she caught wind of it?  The thing is, I need to lose weight.  My cholesterol is suddenly high, I can't fit into my clothing, and I weigh a mere 4 pounds less than R, who has 9" of height on me.  I've heard that it's a good idea to be at a healthy weight prior to pregnancy--  it's better for both mother and baby.  There are plenty of reasons to proceed.

E is doing really well right now.  She's still in the program at UCLA, which is a small miracle.  She has even enlisted in a research study there.  The physican conducting the research had an MRI taken of her brain...  and it showed that the frontal lobe has lost mass.  Five plus years of starvation has exacted a high price on not just her frail body but also her brain.  The good news:  The damage can be reversed.  Every day that she spends in treatment she gives herself more of a fighting chance for a healthy future.  I'm proud of her for doing what needs to be done, as tough as it is.  She is working towards recovery!

A few nights ago R asked who I was inviting to our wedding.  I had a hard time coming up with names...  I don't think I should invite coworkers, since I can't afford to invite them all...  From what I can tell, most of my out-of-state cousins will be unable to make it...  So that leaves primarily family and a small handful of friends.  I mentioned a few people I was considering inviting that I've been out of touch with, and he asked, "do you keep up with them on Facebook?"  When I responded, "no, they aren't on Facebook" he wanted to know if they'd been emailing me.  I had to admit that they haven't...  He said something along the lines of, "Well, there's your answer."  His bluntness pained me, but perhaps it was something I needed to hear. 

I have already decided to make it a goal of mine to become better connected with others in 2010. Maybe I need to "kick it up a notch"?  My grandmother Millie liked to tell a story about my mom as a little girl...  I guess she was lonely one day and said, "I'm going out and make a friend!" and that's exactly what she did.  Inspiring!  Yeah, except that it's a little easier when you're eight years old playing at the beach... 

I could make it easy if I wanted to...  All it takes is finding a church that is large enough to have a sizeable number of thirtysomethings, and enough groups and activities to bring them all together.  I've discovered a church that fits the bill perfectly, in fact...  It's five miles from home, a "megachurch" of sorts with serveral facilities and a huge congregation.  It's called Rolling Hills Covenant Church.  I haven't attended yet, because here's the thing...  I have my moments of loneliness and I long for community, and sometimes life does seem to be too many shades of gray...  But I won't "sell out" my beliefs.  I can't be part of a community where I'm expected to condemn homosexuals and desperate women who turn to abortion in times of crisis.  Of course, it's sugarcoated, but beneath the sweetness and "love" is intolerance.  I won't do that to myself.  I won't compromise my beliefs just to make some friends.  I'll give the church a chance, but if I get any of those vibes, I'll stick with my life as is, thank you very much!

I saw an interesting segment on the news the other night about a group started by a Harvard Chaplain called "Good Without God"--  sounds good to me!