Wedding Second Thoughts

With approximately 2 1/2 months until wedding day, I'm having my doubts.  About the groom?  About the institution of marriage in general?  No, fortunately, I'm sure of myself on these critically important fronts!  The groom is amazing- I couldn't ask for better.  I'm for marriage, although I firmly believe that it should be open to all.  Why some religious groups have decided to make it their mission (no, vendetta) to exclude certain groups from participation in marriage baffles me.  It is SO wrong.

Pardon me while I blather on about this issue for a minute:

I am further disgusted by current events in Uganda...  Homosexuality is in the process of being criminalized, and the penalty for taking a same-sex partner is in some instances life imprisonment.  How archaic!  This would be just another tale of human depravity from another part of the world, except this story has a very sad twist:  Backers of this new incredibly small-minded legislation include a contingent of American Evangelical Christians.  The legislation is being put forth by a Ugandan national, but he has ties to groups here in the good ol' US of A.

When I hear about stories such as this one, I want to run (not walk!) as far away as possible from the Christian faith.  It's one thing to disagree with homosexuality, it's something else entirely to send a loving, committed couple to prison for the rest of their lives because of a narrow interpretion of the Bible.  I ask myself, "Who are these Christians?  What Bible are they reading?  What God do they know?"  The god they know is not the god that I remember...  And if I'm the one who is misinterpreting the will of God, then we don't need to become reacquainted, thank you very much.  They are promoting hate, pure and simple.  What happened to the God of love??  And I just love the old Christian standby sentiment of "love the sinner, hate the sin"- what does this expression mean to people?  How do they see it playing out?  Do they not see a conflict with sending people they supposedly "love" to suffer in prison?  And what's supposed to occur there?  Are the jailed homosexuals supposed to have an epiphany?  Or is this all some scheme to "protect" the children of Uganda?  I worry about people who feel they need to "protect" themselves by stripping away the rights of other human beings! 

Back to my original post...  I'm having my doubts about my wedding planning.  The problem is that I have three gowns.  Yep, three! and they are all very different.  Each gown inspires dreams of a completely unique wedding, one that is not interchangeable with the other two!  How could I have let this happen??  Blame ebay.

Once upon a time, I had only one wedding gown.  This was way back in 2007, shortly after R proposed.  At the time, I was still employed with the county and making good money (sadly, even with the shift differential that I get by working nights and the extra pay that I get by forgoing my benefits, I still make only about 75% of my former pay!).  Although it didn't seem like it at the time, I probably could have afforded to buy a new gown.  But always budget minded and looking to maximize "return on investment", I decided to get my gown at a charity event.  It was the perfect "win-win" scenario- I would get a gently used gown, and Brides Against Breast Cancer would get the profit (gowns are donated to the event, then sold at very reasonable prices).

My mom met me at the event after work one evening.  I worked 10 hour shifts in downtown LA at the time, and I remember being very tired but happy to be participating.  My main goal for finding a dress was that I didn't want strapless.  To me, strapless anything is uncomfortable, and I thought that the strapless "look" was played out.  Sure, it can be very elegant and provides a nice backdrop for showcasing jewelry, but YUCK.  It just wasn't my style.  What I really wanted was something with a deep V-neck and tank style straps (no spaghetti straps- they're almost as bad as strapless!). 

Kudos to my mom for finding a beautiful gown for me.  While I was in the mass changing area, she came back with it.  It was a halter gown (not quite what I wanted, but with a similar look) made of a diamond-white crinkle organza.  It has the V-neck that I like, a flattering ruched waist, a sheer overlay on the skirt, a short train....  It's lovely- simple but not plain, modern but not flashy.

The V-neck is lightly embellished with crystals and silver and clear bugle beads.  Best of all, the dress looked really nice on me (although it was several sizes too big at the time and needed altering).  When I tried it on, event photographers quickly descended on my mom and I and snapped a few shots...  I guess it was a picture perfect moment, my mom and I with a gown that sure seemed to be "the one".  It suited me because I had the "modern bride" look going on at the time.  Shortly after starting at the county, I had more than 12" of length cut from my hair- I wanted a fresh start.  The short do was nice with the halter style gown- it was a winning combination!  My dear mom bought me the dress, a matching veil, and even a pink event garment bag.  It was special, very much a mother-daughter occasion (rather Norman Rockwell!).

I bought my second gown several months later on ebay.

Although I loved the first gown, I had a few issues with it.  Firstly, there was the fact that it was a tent on me and definitely needed alterations.  Secondly, diamond white is a tough color to match!  It's not quite ivory, not quite white...  It just seemed like it was going to be a major chore to obtain a matching flower girl dress and other accessories. Thirdly, and maybe most significantly, the halter neckline left my back totally exposed, and I felt self-conscious.  My back is not pretty!  Not at all!  Why show it off?

I guess I was feeling a bit snobby, too.  When I found a pure silk Watter's gown on ebay in my size, I had to have it.  It had been a floor sample but was in perfect shape.  The only problem-- it was missing the crystal embellished belt that is paired with it, so I got it at a steal of a price.  It arrived at my house packed up into a small cardboard box-- I shook it out and it regained it's shape almost immediately.  It, too, is a beautiful gown, made of a stiff ivory silk gazar that holds it's shape extremely well.  When I put it on, I immediately felt like a princess.  It is (gasp!) strapless, but I like it anyway.  It's very classic/timeless looking and truly fit me like a glove...  No alterations necessary!  Woo hoo!  You would think I'd be content, right?  Alas, no!

What I really wanted was a lace gown, so I kept scouring ebay, and there it was.  A Pronovias Laura.

Brand new with tags, never tried on...  The style wasn't quite what I wanted, but the price was right!  I scooped it up.  Now, I must say, I seriously doubt it was a genuine Pronovias.  It's a beautiful gown, and the quality seems to be very good, but you know what they say about things that seem to be too good to be true (especially on ebay!).  Anyway, I really liked the gown, but it was mermaid style and I didn't like the top part of it...  So I took it apart.  I had the brilliant idea of layering the lace over gown #2 to give it some interest.  It was a great idea!  It looked lovely.

I say "looked" (past tense) because gown #2 no longer fits me.  In fact, gown #1 (the halter style that was a tent) is now perfect, perhaps even slightly snug!  This has been the case for a few months, so I basically chose gown #1 by default.  I've been planning my wedding around it, but now I'm having second thoughts.  I love the gown that's in pieces!  If I could put it back together more or less the way it was before, I would wear it.  It was great by itself (forget about the whole layering over gown #2 concept).  Unfortunately, when I took it apart, I cut into the liner.  The only way I'll be able to wear it now is if I have a new liner sewn, and is there really time for that?

More importantly, though, is what I mentioned at the start of this post: each gown has it's own unique style.  The wedding I have in mind for the lace gown is different than the wedding that I've planned for the halter gown.  When I got off from work yesterday I began brainstorming for the lace gown, and things just began to fall into place mentally.  Suddenly, everything seemed cohesive. Now I find that I want to go with this alternate wedding!!  What to do??

Wedding option #2 requires (among other things) a new location for the ceremony.  The lace gown has more of a vintage feel, so the Korean Bell no longer works.  Fortunately, the Bell is just up the street from Point Fermin Lighthouse which would be the perfect setting.  Both locales are booked through the LA City Dept of Parks and Recreation, so I'm pretty sure I could make the change...  But is there time to get the dress fixed?  Am I inviting chaos into wedding planning that was moving along uneventfully?  It's true that things were moving along ok, but I just "wasn't feeling it", and now I am....  So in theory things will be easier if I make the change.

I was struggling with the invitations, now I have a clear vision.  I had my heart set on making keshi pearl jewelry to go with the ivory gown, but when I chose the halter gown, pearl jewelry looked bad.  Now that's a possibility again!  Many months ago I also liked the idea of walking down the aisle to a piano rag (like Scott Joplin's Maple Leaf Rag from the late 1800's), but when I chose the Bell, that too was out.  Now I could do it!  Finally, I've been toying with the idea of having a silhouette artist at the reception, but that didn't jive either...  and now it does.  Can I make all of this work on such short notice???  I don't know!  We'll see.