Funny Invitation!

Yesterday was my day off.  It was lame.  I hate it when I have just one day (night, actually) off...  I get completely discombobulated. There was a lot I could have done with my free time, but I was feeling out of sorts so instead I moped.  Actually, that's not quite true-- I spent a lot of the day on the internet researching different handmade card techniques.  I came across numerous clever ideas, including pop-up cards, accordion folded cards, swing cards...  One card style in particular caught my eye and seems to have potential: the waterfall card.  It may or may not make a nice wedding invitation--- it isn't very elegant (in fact, the adjectives "childish" and "gimmicky" come to mind instead!) but it could be fun for guests to receive.  It could also be dressed up quite a bit with high quality materials and a good, clean technique.  To get a better handle on the how-to's of the waterfall, I did a web search and came across an assortment of instructional videos.  I almost never spend time on sites like You Tube, but I have to say that it's a pretty awesome time waster!  While I was there I stumbled across this video, and it made me smile (I guess I can relate to the plight of the bride-to-be!). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyq26Q01bVA

Invitiations Update

With less than three months and counting, invitaions are probably my most pressing wedding project.  If there's any project I'm afraid of procrastinating on, this has to be it...  It's the most critical of everything I have yet to do!  Afterall, without invitations, there will be no wedding guests!  Without guests, what's the point??  A wedding is a public declaration of love and committment- this is especially true for us.  Our life together is already established, so the wedding isn't really going to change anything.  It's primarily a day for us to stand before our loved ones and friends, say our vows, and then have a party.

From a creative standpoint, I'm not worried about the invitations.  There is a lot of potential for error, of course, since it's going to be a DIY project...  But there aren't going to be all that many invitations to put together, and besides, I thrive on creative challenges!  My life is pretty lacking in creative outlets (certainly there is no creativity required at work), so I'm having fun with the wedding planning and invitation design.  I certainly don't see it as chore.

The part that IS a chore (a major chore!)  is the guest list.  The wedding will be small, in part because neither of us is a social butterfly and in part for financial reasons...  But I don't want it to be too small.  Because once again, if it's super small, then what's the point?  So how to decide who makes the list if it's "small but not too small"?  Does that mean that co-workers are out?  I think it does, because it's not nice to invite a few people but not others.  I'm not especially close to anyone, but there are definitely people I'd like to get to know better and can see becoming friends with over time...  but then who knows if that will happen, so it's a little bit strange inviting people based upon hoped for friendship!  Same for old friends ("former friends?")....  There are people who I absolutely loved when I was younger and would like to invite, but we're not close anymore.  It might be weird inviting them.  Oh boy, what a chore this whole list thing is.  Maybe super small isn't such a bad idea afterall?  I just don't know!  Eloping sounds good right about now.  Justice of the peace, anyone?  What a pain in the boot.

Creatively for the wedding invites I'm thinking about stamping/ embossing.  This isn't something I've done before, but I like the idea because flat text is so....  well, flat!  Letterpress is out, so this  would be another means to a similar end result.  A quick search on embossing yielded this how-to: http://crafts.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_emboss  I haven't read it in any detail and it may not be the best set of instructions out there, but it's a basic overview and may provide a good jumping off point.  I like the idea of making my own stamp(s).  I've played around with the inexpensive little drawing tablet I bought for my computer (just for the invitations, I might add!) and it wasn't the best purchase.  Maybe it's because it is a basic model or maybe it's because I don't have the greatest software for it...  but I'm not crazy about it!  It isn't super user-friendly, the output is lame...  I guess I should give it time, but after a few trials with it it seems to me that I may have wasted my money on an impulse buy!  Using a handmade stamp makes a lot more sense.  Ahh well...  live and learn!

Bounce, bounce!

What a difference a day makes...  Twenty-four little hours...  Thank goodness for sleep!  I got home from work this morning and R was feeling much better.  He had heard from his daughter and was putting it all in perspective.  The disappointment of not spending time together on Christmas is vastly overshadowed by the good news that she is trying to make a positive change in her life.  She has reasons for her timing, reasons that we don't understand, but this is a time to be thankful!

Since he is feeling better, I'm feeling better.  It's hard to see the people you love hurting...  Family life!  It stinks at times, but "More, Please!" Bring it on.  The pain of moving through life with other flawed humans is not easy but it certainly beats the alternative.  Sometimes we're up, sometimes we're down, sometimes R and I are up and E is down, or she's up and we're down, or they're up together and I'm down...  Bounce, bounce, bounce!  It's tough but I'm thankful that they're in my life!

The Gift Of A Child

Depression is different things in different people.  For me, it's fatigue and a "fuck this" attitude.  I stop caring what happens.  I would say that I extricate myself from the events taking place in my life, but the word "extricate" implys surgical precision.  It's not like that.  It's more like simply dropping whatever is happening and walking away.  I guess there's a sense that whatever I'm doing is suddenly irrelevant--  who cares anymore?  I don't want to go jump off a bridge, but maybe I become more fatalistic and less resistant to the concept of death.  It's simply a detachment from life.  I'm no expert, but if you look in my medical chart, you'll find the words, "major depression, recurrent, in partial remission."  Why am I writing this down?  Don't I know the dangers of posting things over the internet, where potential insurers and/or potential employers can find them?  Normally I care, but at the moment it feels irrelevant.  Ahh, yes, a perfect example of what I'm writing about-- the "fuck this" attitude.

Yes, I'm feeling depressed.  Christmas seems to have that effect on me.  It doesn't help that I've more or less weaned myself off of medications I was taking.  I posted a while ago about my desire to have a child and making changes in my life so that I'd be ready--  stopping medications that have been my lifeblood at various times over the past decade has been one of those changes.  This is a common danger for people afflicted with mental health issues-- suddenly you feel well and have an aching desire to be well.  Well people don't need medication-- they're high on life.  They roll out of bed in the morning and it's all good.

I rolled out of bed this morning and it was all good, too.  I didn't anticipate any problems- the gifts were purchased on time, wrapped and ready under the tree...  I was off from work and actually got to sleep like a normal person Christmas eve night.  I even got some unexpected, wonderful news from R--  his daughter had called on Christmas eve day to tell him that she was planning to go into a treatment program for her eating disorder.  This is huge news.  For the first time in her life, she was the one initiating treatment.  It wasn't being forced on her, as it had been so many times before when it seemed her life hung in the balance.  I praised God.  I thought for sure that her recent interest in the Christian faith and her recent interactions with Christians must have brought about this truly radical change of heart. 

Christmas morning R and I ate our special "Sunday" breakfast- eggs served up on either a bagel or a biscuit (a slice of jalapeno cheese on mine), and a shared grapefruit afterwards.  We were thinking about opening gifts when she called.  She called to say that she was going to treatment.  "On Christmas day?" he asked.  Yes, on Christmas Day.  Did the pogram start on Christmas day, why was it important that she leave on Christmas?  No, the program started for her upon arrival, there was nothing special about Christmas day.  She was in the car with her mom.  Were they still in San Pedro, or were they on their way to Arizona?  They were on the road already, there would be no time for Christmas gifts.  "Could we have a mailing address?"  She would give us the address once she was settled.  "Could we mail the gifts to her?"  They wouldn't let her have a lot of things.  She seemed rather short with him on the phone, distracted. 

After the phone call, we briefly pondered why she had to do this on Christmas.  He had also learned from her  that she hadn't spent Christmas eve day with her stepfather's family in Perris as she was planning and does every year.  He couldn't understand why she hadn't called him so that he could get her the gifts, since she was available all day.  He was shaken by the call, but we managed to get through opening presents without too much sadness.  Then it came in like a wave, growing stronger as the day wore on.  So many puzzles and unanswered questions, and unfortunately we never seem to be privvy to the answers.  She has a close (if typically love-hate) relationship with her mom, and R often finds himself on the outside looking in.  Actually, that's too generous-- more like on the outside wondering, without being able to glimpse anything at all.

It's painful to watch.  It seems like she's often dropping bombs on him-- just a few months ago she called him one morning out of the blue and announced she didn't want him in her life anymore.  He was heartbroken-- it was excrutiating for both of us. Then a few days later, she called him and left a message asking for my phone number (though she has called me many times and can also reach me via email).  A day later she called him again and left a message about something else.  The following day, she called him and acted as if she'd never said anything.  It's a tough relationship, and I know in some ways she feels let down by him.  But he is a good father.  Perfect?  No.  But he has always been there for her, and always will.  He is not the kind of dad who would abandon his child.  When he has angered her by expressing concern about her poor health, and she has resorted to the old teenage standby of "I hate you!"--  He has always accepted it with the attitude that he "...hopes it's a long and healthy hate".  He would rather call her out on things that need to be addressed and face her anger than to keep quiet and lose her.  What has he done wrong?  I don't understand it.

I know that Christmas is hard for people with eating disorders (or so I've read), so in a way I can understand her eagerness to get on the road and avoid it altogether.  I wish I understood why.  I've read that the feasting aspect of holidays can be tough, but we weren't going to be feasting when she came over.  Or maybe for her it's the disappointment in never getting sufficiently thoughtful gifts--  I don't know.  But he's a dad-- dads often don't get it right.  I know she's expressed disappointment that she doesn't have the same kind of relationship with him that she has with her mom,. but it isn't because he's not available-- he is.  But a mindreader he is not.  Is any father??  The sad reality is that in life you don't often get the kind of relationships with people that you want.  The trick is to work with what you have and be content in it.  I had a dad.  Our relationship was not everthing that I wanted it to be, then he got sick and died... It's tough.  I know.  But she has her dad, and with time and effort the relationship that she has will blossom.

Another  possibility for her quick disappearance is tough for me to ponder...  Is it my fault?  Does she feel that I stole her rightful place in his life?  We've been together for five Christmases, but that doesn't necessarily mean that there's acceptance.  Her parents divorced when she was a toddler, and her mom remarried when she was around five years old, so I have no reason to believe that I'm the part of the problem, but then again relationships are very complicated.  Who knows. 

She's a wonderful, funny, talented, kind-hearted, beautiful young woman, but she is a tortured soul.  It's hard to watch her suffer and it's hard to watch her dad suffer.  And of course, when he suffers, I suffer.  As someone trying to recover from depression, I sometimes feel like I don't have the resiliency for it.  I feel like I've been through so much already, losing people I love and suffering personal failures and setbacks.  It's hard. 

My experiences as a step-mom (in training) have given me pause about parenthood.  I don't know if I can do it.  It is truly a gut wrenching, thankless job.  And of course, aside from what I've observed, I think about my stepdaughter-to-be and how a sibling would potentially harm her in her already fragile state.  I remember when my own father had another child, how I prayed that the child would not be a girl and how I envied my new brother despite my love for him.  A child is a tremendous gift, amazing, inspiring, beautiful....  and challenging, frustrating, heart-breaking.

I praise God that E has taken the incredibly tough step of entering treatment.  I'm proud of her courage.  At the same time, I pray that this turn of events has a positive conclusion.  Our hopes have been crushed before.  I'll bounce back (if it requires restarting medication to regain my resiliency, so be it) but R doesn't "bounce" well.  She is his flesh and blood, his one and only child.

All I Want For Christmas

Yesterday morning after work I decided to cram in some Christmas shopping.  I'm not a big shopper (understatement of the century), but I couldn't avoid it.  Last year I made the mistake of ordering all of my gifts over the internet, which suits me just fine.  Unfortunately, I didn't have Amazon Prime last year, and I didn't pay close attention to delivery dates for my gifts.  Actually, let me rephrase that- I did pay attention to delivery dates, but I ordered from a hodge-podge of websites and didn't pay attention to processing times or make sure everything I was ordering was in stock.  Can you tell where this is going???  R is like a little kid at Christmas time, so when Christmas morning rolled around and his gifts were not waiting for him under the tree, he was beyond hurt.  All I can say is never again!   Two years ago qualifies as the worst Christmas ever of course- as I've already mentioned, I lost my job just days before, and we were in escrow for our house...  I'd already cleaned out my savings account for my contribution to the down payment, etc. etc....  WORST CHRISTMAS EVER.  But last year was a close second!

I couldn't let that happen again.  I still used the internet for my some of my shopping this year, but not for R's most important gift-- I didn't want any surprises!  So off to the mall I went.  Fortunately, things were open early, so I was in and out of there fairly quickly.  Then it was off to David's Bridal to pick up two of my bridesmaid's dresses.  I thought I was timing things perfectly, and in fact when I rolled up at David's, the clock in my car read 11:05 am.  David's opens at 11:00, so I was pleased with myself!  I wanted to hurry up and get home so I could get some sleep.  But surprise- I went to the door, gave it a gentle tug with another shopper right on my heels- and when it didn't open, I remembered that the clock in my car is still set to daylight savings time.  What to do??  I wasn't thrilled with the notion of sitting in my car for an entire hour.  David's is in a pretty big strip mall, so I scanned the parking lot for someplace else to visit, started up my engine and puttered over to the nearest store...  Babies R Us.

Babies R Us was already hopping with shoppers at 10:00 am.  I was glad for that-- clearly I was someplace that I didn't belong, and I immediately felt self-conscious.  I was glad that there were other shoppers milling around and keeping the employees from hovering.  I never enjoy it when store employees hover!   As I wandered from aisle to aisle, I told myself that I was there looking for a gift for someone else.  That was my "cover".  Yes, we live in a free country, and one doesn't have to have a reason to be in a store, but it made me feel better to have a logical cover story as I wandered around.  At first, the store reminded me of being in Petco or Petsmart...  Dog beds= baby beds.  Dog food=baby food...  There's so much paraphernalia for babies.  I looked at the boppy pillows, including the lines that are on sale!!  for $30!!  The same price as the "naked boppy", but with a cute cover already. Great!  For a millisecond I thought about getting a cart and loading one up.  Such good prices!  Never mind that I not only don't have a nursing infant at home but also may never have one...  Irrelevant!  Maybe to make myself feel better I grabbed a bottle brush from an aisle that reminded me of the kitchen tools area at Bed Bath & Beyond or Linens 'N Things.  I've been needing one of those for my coffee mugs.  Baby bottle, travel coffee mug....  Close enough!  I kept wandering, past the cute couples and huge preggie women.  Around and around the store I went.  I tested out the gliders- very comfy (especially after a long night at work and foray into the busy mall)!  But I never felt comfortable in the store.  I kept checking my watch, counting down the minutes, planning my escape.  Time wasn't passing quite fast enough, so I headed for the clothing area.  I had the brilliant idea that I would try on some maternity clothing.  Trying things on seems to always make the time go by quickly.  And anyway, there were more things on sale!  Sale!  You may not need it, but it's a bargain!

I must confess I've tried on maternity clothing before.  With two beautiful, energetic angels, my sister is done having kids.  Her friends are, too.  So maternity clothing that has been passed around from person to person landed on me a month or two ago.  I tried it all on, and even hung it up in one of the spare rooms' closets in our house.  That closet also has my bridal gown...  Sort of like a hope chest I suppose- a repository for wished-for things.  Well, as I pulled sale clothing off the racks at Babies R Us, the self conscious feeling crept back in and became overwhelming, so I began looking anxiously for the dressing room.  What?  No dressing room?  I couldn't find one.  I paced from the clothing racks to a back wall where I spotted an employee, but decided against asking for help and bolted back to the racks to unburden myself.  What was I doing??  Get me out of here!  I checked my watch again-- almost 11:00, whew, what a relief!  I headed for the registers with my bottle (er, coffee) brush and a CD of Lullaby's (couldn't resist) and a few maternity tops and bottoms- if anyone asks it's a gift, I told myself.  Silly me!

A Little Bit of Self Discipline

Yesterday I blogged that in the three months that I have left until my wedding day, I probably could lose some of the weight that I've put on.  I know that plenty of women go all out before the big day in order to fit into a smaller dress, etc.  I know in theory that it can be done.  I'm familiar with the basic science of weight gain/ loss:  3500 calories (kilocalories)= 1lb. Consuming 3500 calories that the body doesn't need results in fat storage equivalent to one pound of weight...  Conversely, "burning" 3500 extra calories results in a weight reduction of one pound.  Most physicians advise that weight loss of 1-2 lbs per week is safe...  So if I was to cut 500 to 1000 calories from my diet per day (or burn this many calories by ramping up my cardio routine), I could safely lose 12 to 24 pounds by the big day.  It's not rocket science--  it's basic math.  Easy as pie, right?  If only!

The problem isn't a lack of understanding, it's a lack of self-discipline.  As I mentioned yesterday, I'm insufficiently motivated.  I care, but I don't care enough to make major lifestyle changes for the sake of one day.  I also don't want to set myself up for failure.  Weight loss is tough enough without a self-imposed rapidly approaching deadline.

I could probably move mountains if I hit the gym everyday. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I have the energy to spare.  The shift that I'm working leaves me very tired.  I don't/ can't sleep properly, and this leads to a host of other problems.  Most notably, poor quality sleep can cause an increase in appetite via the hormone ghrelin, and also causes the body to increase production of the stress hormone cortisol.  Cortisol can result in increased belly fat storage, and increased belly fat can signal the body to store additional fat...  It's a vicious cycle! (I gleaned this info from the book Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels-- I may not be remembering it quite right and can't fact check as I don't have the book in front of me at the moment).  Essentially, my body is working against me right now.

 Not to be a pessimist, but I don't think I have a real chance to regain my health and former weight until I get back to a nightly sleep schedule.  And as much as I'd like to do that, it's not an option right now or in the forseeable future.  Like it or not, I work nights.  I'm lucky to be employed at all.  A co-worker commented earlier, "The employed are the new rich!"-- those of us with jobs have hit the jackpot in today's economy.  And if we happen to have health insurance- OMG, we've really scored!  Sad, but this is the state of affairs in today's world.

 I joked yesterday about the desirable qualities of fat, and I think this is a far more healthy approach than obsessing about my weight.  I know that I'm making light of a serious problem- obesity leads to cardiovascular disease, which kills more women annually than breast cancer.  It increases the likelihood of developing diabetes, too.  It really is no laughing matter.  But there's another side to the story.  In our quest to spread the word about problems associated with obesity, health care professionals have forgotten about the dangers of eating disorders.  As the soon-to-be stepmom of a severely eating-disordered teen, I have seen how an innocent-enough obsession with health and avoiding fatty foods can morph into something deadly.  Am I oversimplifying a complex set of disorders that have more to do with self esteem and body image than they do with food?  Yes, of course I am.  But in the case of my stepdaughter-to-be, a jr. high health class and overzealous instructor may have set the ball rolling. 

I don't want to obsess about my weight, and despite the recent attention here on the blog, for the most part it's not on my radar.  I barely give it a second thought except that I can't fit into my clothing, which is extremely annoying! My weight is not important but being healthy for myself and for my family is.  R and I have a very cool scale at home that does much more than provide a weight.  It also analyzes body composition and assigns a metabolic age.  I've owned this scale for about three (maybe four? years now), and during that time I've always been much younger than my chronological age.  It's fabulous- a huge self esteem booster! After years of being in my twenties (once I was even 18!) I'm now several years older than I should be.

So, in the spirit of regaining my health and being in my twenties again, I'm taking the following measures (starting yesterday!):
Firsly, I'm writing down everything I eat.  Studies have found that the act of recording what one is consuming leads to eating less.  I'm not sure why this is, but I've done this in the past and found it to be highy effective.  At the time, I had a Palm smartphone with Calorie King software installed.  Not only does looking up the nutritional information of what is consumed provide tremendous insight about how worthless some foods are, but I think the act itself of having to look things up is a deterrent.  If eating something means I have to look up the info, record it, etc., then maybe it's just not worth it!  For once, laziness has fringe benefits!  Since I no longer use my oldschool Treo, I'm using the online version of Calorie King this time around.  Although there are very cool software programs out there that enable one to keep track of nutrition and fitness and perform sophisticated analyses, I'm doing things the old-fashioned way and recording my data with pen and paper.  The paper isn't just any paper, however.  Instead I'm using these very cool sheets designed by Levenger for their Circa system.  On one side I can record nutritional info, and on the other, fitness data.  Right now the fitness info for me is pretty sparse; my "routine" consists of spending 25 minutes walking the stairs at work.  I don't do it everyday, but when I do it feels great!  Yesterday I walked up and down the 5 flights of stairs 10 times.  That's my best for now- not a huge accomplishment, but definitely better than nothing at all!

In Praise of Fat, and Other Things

Just less than three months until the big day!  Here is a progress update:

I've decided to go with my Carlos Santana shoes rather than the boring white satin.  The shoes are absolutely outrageous (to me anyway!), and although they don't match my gown as well as the other pair, I think they are an excellent symbol of my relationship with R.  I am Miss Conservative, and left to my own devices in life, everything would be plain vanilla.  R loves color.  When we painted our house, every room got a bold splash of color on at least one wall.  I wouldn't have done it on my own, but I love it!  Why not wear shoes on our wedding day that are a testament to his influence in my life?  It seems appropriate to me.

Now then... why in the world am I using this forum to praise fat?  Have I lost my marbles?  Yes and no!  I should preface this entire train of thought by saying that it looks like I'm going to be a chubby (ok, fat) bride.  Working nights has been tough on me physically, and I haven't gotten into a healthy routine to counter the stress of it all.  If I was more motivated, I could probably accomplish a lot in three months, but I'm not that motivated.  It's not that I'm happy in my present state--  it isn't healthy.  But I don't feel like killing myself for the sake of appearances.  Yes, it's a little bit disappointing to think that the one opportunity I have to be a star for the day, to be immortalized on film for future generations, to be beautiful-- I'll be overweight, but in the whole scheme of things, it's not the end of the world!  I spent most of my life above average in health- I outran my classmates in PE classes, arm-wrestled a tween exchange student  in jr. high and beat him (much to his embarrassment), and earned the Presidential Fitness Award several years in a row.  I felt like I was a born athlete.  I've been on a steady decline since then, fueled by laziness and the advent of computer technology (for an information addict like me, the internet is the greatest thing since sliced bread, to use a tired but descriptive cliche!).  My point- I had my glory days.  They were over quickly, but I had them!  I also had years of being relatively fit- not an athlete by any stretch, but I was healthy and looked pretty good.  No tummy, no hips...  I was proud of my appearance.  It felt good to have something that a lot of women don't have.  The state of being fit and/or thin is an illusive one for the average woman, while fat is just so commonplace!

But here it is:  Fatness isn't all bad.  Firstly, fat insulates.  How nice that my personal fat season is taking place during the winter!  It can be sooo  cold sometimes, and who wants to be cold?  Not me.   Secondly, fat hides wrinkles!  I'm getting older, so who knows what the state of affairs would be without a little bit of fat to smooth it all out?  People pay good money for fat injections, and I have my own supply.  Thirdly, my cushiony tummy makes my dogs exceedingly happy.  Given the choice between my lap or R's, mine wins out every time.  And lets face it, few things are as great as having a fluffy pet curled up on your lap!  Fat also protects.  That's great when you're a klutz like I am.  I run into things on occassion, but the padding means I end up with a nasty bruise (or nothing at all) rather than something worse like a broken bone.  Finally, being a little on the chubbier side means that shallow, irritating men don't hit on me.  Some women would find that disappointing, but I prefer not to get unwanted attention!  Here's what Wikipedia has to say about fat (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat):

Importance for living organisms

Vitamins A, D, E, and K are fat-soluble, meaning they can only be digested, absorbed, and transported in conjunction with fats. Fats are also sources of essential fatty acids, an important dietary requirement.

Fats play a vital role in maintaining healthy skin and hair, insulating body organs against shock, maintaining body temperature, and promoting healthy cell function.

Fats also serve as energy stores for the body, containing about 37.8 kilojoules (9 calories) per gram of fat[3]. They are broken down in the body to release glycerol and free fatty acids. The glycerol can be converted to glucose by the liver and thus used as a source of energy.

Fat also serves as a useful buffer towards a host of diseases. When a particular substance, whether chemical or biotic—reaches unsafe levels in the bloodstream, the body can effectively dilute—or at least maintain equilibrium of—the offending substances by storing it in new fat tissue. This helps to protect vital organs, until such time as the offending substances can be metabolized and/or removed from the body by such means as excretion, urination, accidental or intentional bloodletting, sebum excretion, and hair growth.

While it is nearly impossible to remove fat completely from the diet, it would be unhealthy to do so. Some fatty acids are essential nutrients, meaning that they can't be produced in the body from other compounds and need to be consumed in small amounts. All other fats required by the body are non-essential and can be produced in the body from other compounds.

Airstream

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Wedding Project Progress

A status report for my most pressing projects of the moment:  I'm getting there.  Bridesmaids dresses?  Selected and ordered.  Flower girl dress?  Selected and ordered!  I have the flower girl basket, and ring bearer pillow, too- now I just need to sew the pillow cover and make a liner for the basket out of the fun seashell print fabric that I found (I'm also using as a flower girl dress sash!). Centerpieces?  I have glassware, candles, and seashells, I'm just not sure how I'm going to put it all together yet.  Toasting flutes?  Done!  Garter?  Done!  Guest Book?  Ordered!  Pen and stand?  Done!  Things are coming along!  My attire is pretty much together- dress chosen, two pairs of shoes to choose from (conservative white satin or crazy colorful Carlos Santanas).  I have a veil, but I'd like to add some crystals for embellishment or maybe find a different one.  I haven't made my earrings yet, but I have all sorts of materials to work with, from Keshi pearls to Swarovski crystals.  I'm sure I'll be able to whip something up.  If not, I'll enlist my sister.  

Invitations are the biggest challenge right now.  I really wanted them to be letterpressed...  Such a cool craft! I didn't want to pay the crazy fees associated with having them done, however.  I scoured ebay for a Kelsey press, but I haven't found anything in good condition at a price I can justify.  For fun I did end up buying a tiny press (I think it's a Sigwalt) but it's missing the ink plate and rollers.  Time being what it is, restoring it will have to wait.  An alternative way to get the look of letterpress would be to purchase the Lifestyle Crafts 'L' Letterpress that recently came on the market...  It's a cool concept, but I'd rather spend my money on an old-school press and do things the old fashioned way.  So it looks like letterpress is out, but that doesn't mean I can't still do the invites myself and come up with something unique!  On that note, I just acquired a drawing tablet for my computer.  I'm not the world's greatest artist, but I think the invitations will end up with a certain irresistible charm regardless of my skill!

1957 Airstream Overlander

Something a little bit more lighthearted for my blog!  In May 2004, I bought a 1957 Airstream travel trailer.  There are a whole slew of reasons for my crazy purchase, but a big one was that I thought I might live in it for a while. At 26 feet long, The Overlander is a larger Airstream model-- it would make a cool beach or wilderness cabin!

When I bought it, it was being used as a lakefront cabin in Montana.  I hired someone to tow it to property my mom has in Oregon, and that's where it sits.  I can't do anything with it at the moment, so it's the ultimate unfinished project.  It's awesome and I look forward to restoring it!  I'll post pictures soon.  In the meantime, here are a few fun Airstream links:


http://www.airforums.com/
http://airstreamtrailers.com/
http://www.vintagetrailerpark.com/index.htm
http://globetrotter64.home.att.net/
http://www.airstream.com/

When Unfinished Is Trouble

I named this blog "My Unfinished Project" because 'unfinished' does at times seem to be the nature of life, particularly where home ownership is concerned. This state of affairs is often exasperating and occasionally funny, but there are times when it's just plain bad. It wasn't funny growing up in a home that was in such an extreme unfinished state and for such a long period of time that it became a black hole of sorts, engulfing all of the love and energy of its occupants.

There is also no humor in losing a job because of the inability to complete an assignment. I've had my share of close calls with writing assignments in the past, but the context was always school, and though my grade may have suffered because of it, I always managed to finish the assignment and earn a respectable grade for the class in the end.

I am now approaching the two year anniversary of losing a great job because of a silly unfinished writing assignment.  It's a sobering anniversary, and one that preceded the absolute worst Christmas of my life.  So what happened?

After "working" as a caregiver for 3 years, I finally landed my dream job- Regional Planning Assistant for the County of Los Angeles.  Finally I would be able to employ my undergraduate degree and the certificate I had earned in Geographic Information Systems.  Finally I would be able to meet my own basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing, should circumstances require it.  Knowing I would be able to survive on my own was huge for me psychologically.  Living with a dying family member, one who had once cared for me and others so capably, did a number on my psyche (to put it mildly).  During my time with her, I felt that I was within death's grasp.  After she passed away, I felt like a survivor- horribly sad, but also relieved.  My own slow death was over.  But I felt hopeless as a potential employee- Who would want me?  What skills would I have to offer, after three-plus years of wallowing in despair?  Who wouldn't take one look at my resume, and read, "UC Berkeley graduate... Great!  Caregiver? No salary? Hmmmm.... Home Depot- hmmmm.... Temp Agency- hmmmm..... What's wrong with her?" 

My fears were legitimate (I've read studies about the long-term costs associated with caregiving that say as much)- but I was fortunate.  I think it helped that I was targeting government agencies as potential employers-- most take seriously the federal mandate to be an equal opportunity employer, and utilize a relatively objective hiring process.  Firstly, the position had an educational requirement- a Bachelor's Degree in a field closely related to Urban Planning.  A certain number of units in GIS was also required.  Finally, the interview process included an "exam"- and I passed that.  Unlike many planning jobs, there was no requirement for previous work experience with a planning agency.  So, nervously, tentatively, I started my new position.  I was nervous, yes, but more than that I was thrilled-  My life wasn't over!  I wasn't destined to be destitute or perpetually dependent.  Finally I was on my way, poised to climb Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid.  Self-actualization was within my sights!  Every deferred dream, from home ownership to starting a family, was finally going to be a possibility!

So how could I let myself fail?  My mother has a theory that when events such as this one take place, our actions are on some level intentional.  She says that we are "sabotaging ourselves".  I certainly did sabotage myself here, but I don't believe I intended to.  I think my inaction was instead due to my desire to write an amazing paper that would help me to standout from the crowd.  The paper represented me, and I wanted it to be good,  especially since I didn't seem to be connecting with my supervisor.  If anything, I cared too much about the assignment and gave it too much weight.  Where others told me they had turned in old assignments, I started from scratch.  For all of my failings in life, I have never been a cheater, and to recycle an old paper seemed like cheating to me.  I also chose the most challenging topic from the list of possibilities- there was so much I wanted to say!  Perhaps by doing so I did set myself up to fail.   There is a danger in caring too much- whatever the context.  Life has certainly taught me that.  Whether it's caring about a job, a vacation, or another human being, some degree of detachment seems to be necessary, even healthy.  I'm taking this philosophy with me into my wedding planning.  I've been obsessing about it because it's something to plan (the planner in me!) but if it isn't everything that wedding days are "supposed" to be- if it isn't perfect, I'm fine with that.  It's one day.

Church #1

E and I went to the 10:30 am service at Ocean View Baptist Church yesterday. The verdict? A wash. On the plus side, there is an awesome children's choir, who performed beautifully. I was very impressed, and I have no doubt that my grandparents (all choir singers) would have been as well. The children's choir/worship director was a youthful bundle of enthusiasm, and quite inspiring. The facility is nice- surprisingly intimate and comfortable despite the imposing outside facade of the building. The congregation was pleasant enough, though I didn't linger afterward or attempt to socialize beyond the usual and customary "meet and greet" during the service.

There wasn't anything bad about the experience, but I found the sermon underwhelming and irrelevant. It wasn't painful to sit through, and the pastor seemed sincere, but it just didn't speak to me. I'll probably give it another few tries, but maybe I'll check out one of the other local churches before I go back.

I'm perhaps more intrigued with St. Peter's Episcopal Church- from what I understand (my mom was raised Episcopalian), the denomination is similar to Catholicism- it can be somewhat formal, with more ritual that the average Christian church- but I'm not opposed to that, and it may win over R. More importantly, the Episcopalian Church has taken a stand and ordained gays and lesbians. A quick perusal of St. Peter's website indicates a history of positive involvement in the community. I need my church to be one that cares about the community- not just in thought but in deed.

To Church Or Not To Church?

I've been wanting to find a church lately. Maybe being on the verge of marriage has created in me a desire to get my "house in order"- not just my physical house, but my spiritual one as well. This is especially true as I contemplate motherhood-- not just because of the importance of providing children with strong values, but also because I firmly believe that it does take a village to raise a child. Children are amazing, but they are also trying! There is so much that I want to give a child, but there is also a lot that I expect in return. For example, I expect any child of mine to be kind and smart. What if they aren't? Pardon this horrible analogy, but I think in some ways child rearing is like ordering clothing from the internet-- you may not get what you're expecting. You can take measurements, read item descriptions, check out the fit on the model-- but you just don't know until your delivery arrives. And guess what?? There are no returns!

I want a church home so that I'll be prepared for whatever life throws at me going forward. Life has been tough thus far, I will not lie. The loss that accompanies life has been tough. In the past I was ill prepared for the inevitability of loss. When the trials and storms of life came, I weathered them alone. My excuse for not putting down roots was that I didn't know where life would take me geographically. I didn't want to put down roots only to have to rip them up again. I have a home now, so it's time! I want that extended church family, a network who will be there to support me in my challenges and for whom I can do likewise.

I would like for my new church family to be easily accessible- preferably within a few miles of home. The less driving I have to do in life, the better!

Right now, there are three Christian churches within a few miles of home that have caught my eye. Of course, by restricting my search to Christian churches, I'm assuming that my beliefs are still compatible with mainstream Christianity. This may or may not be the case. If it proves not to be the case, I'd like to try out a Unitarian Universalist church in Palos Verdes. My sister and I attended services at a Unitarian Universalist church in Long Beach, and it was pretty cool. It had many of the benefits of mainstream church-- the only thing that seemed a little strange was worship. It was more a time of enjoying music rather than praising and adoring a Creator/Savior.

The Christian churches in the area that have caught my eye, in order or geographic proximity to home:

1) OceanView Baptist- 0.5 miles from home
2) Good Shepherd Lutheran- 1 mile from home
3) St. Peter's Episcopal- 1.5 miles from home