Isn't it funny how you don't necessarily realize how tired you have been in the midst of something until after the fact. This is true with physical activities (running, hiking, etc.)-- you just keep going, sometimes out of the sheer wonder of what's ahead, sometimes to reach a personal goal. You race or perhaps plod along, and yes, it's painful along the way, but then in the end, when you finally stop for a sip of water or to check out that view... You wonder, "Damn, how did I just do that? My legs are about to give out, and a rest is nice, but how will I get moving again?" And when you're finally home, you collapse.
At this precise moment, this is how I feel. The semester is over. I don't know how to process it. Was it a good experience? I think so, but I'm not sure. I feel disoriented. I'm relieved that it's over, but there is a sense of let down as well. Above all, I am exhausted. How did I just do that? I don't know. Will I be able to catch my breath over the next few months?
I have poured myself a high calorie alcoholic beverage, and it doesn't taste good, but there it sits, a few inches from me, as I try to process this ending. Maybe I poured it for myself because I feel like I ought to be in a celebratory mood, and this is how we celebrate in our culture. It doesn't seem to be working.
After the final test today, we oriented to the 3rd semester. There are three rotations: Peds, OB, and Geriatrics. I will be starting with OB. On the one hand, I'm excited- finally, something different from what I see everyday at work. Something that will challenge me, something that it usually joyous for the people involved. What could be better, really?! On the other hand, I hope it doesn't make me sad. I hope it doesn't make me feel inadequate, because it's something that I want but don't have. Hopefully it will motivate me to get through this program so that I can.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Time for Fun
I'm now two weeks away from completing the second semester of the nursing program. Wow, time has gone by so fast (actually, it hasn't, sad to say! I'm attempting to delude myself). I 'm eagerly anticipating my summer break of approximately 2 1/2 months. So eagerly, in fact, that I decided I would start early. Approximately a month ago, I bought myself a tandem kayak, complete with foot pedals for the athletically challenged. It's the best thing I've done in a long time. I've gone out several times in the local harbor with both my husband and my mom, and we all love it. My last outing with my mom even included a zen-like experience of being in the midst of feeding dolphins. They didn't mind us, just went on about their business as we watched in awe and listened as they surfaced to breathe. What makes kayaking especially wonderful is that it's not just physical, not just spiritual, but it is also a way to reconnect with loved ones that I miss. When I'm on the water, I am connected to my father, my grandfather, and years of happy memories sailing. I have happy childhood memories of sailing past buoys afloat with lounging sea lions, now I am building new memories of kayaking past them with my husband. This sense of reconnection, of weaving together the past with the present is priceless. My husband will never know my father, who would have been 66 years old yesterday. He has been gone for nearly a decade, as impossible as that seems. I celebrate his life when I am kayaking. I remember him as I build new memories. Happy birthday, dad. Miss you.
At school we are covering our last unit of the semester-- Neuro. It's especially compelling because a neurological disorder took my dad from me (and my mom's dad from her). This is undoubtedly the most confounding unit we've covered, but also the most riveting. Last week I spent two days in the Neuro ICU, observing care there. I believe I have found another potential niche for myself. Good news!
At school we are covering our last unit of the semester-- Neuro. It's especially compelling because a neurological disorder took my dad from me (and my mom's dad from her). This is undoubtedly the most confounding unit we've covered, but also the most riveting. Last week I spent two days in the Neuro ICU, observing care there. I believe I have found another potential niche for myself. Good news!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Burn Out
I should be sleeping. I had clinical today, so I've been up since a truly ungodly hour, but here I am. I got to observe in the Cath & GI labs today. Cool, but-- nothing begins to compare with the OR experience I had last semester. And anyway, I'm kind of burned out on Nursing right now-- because of work and because this program is stopping me from doing things that I want to be doing. Like having a child.
I suppose I should be ashamed of myself for complaining about work circumstances when so many people are still unemployed, but I'm tired of delaying gratification in my life. I think I'm one of the most patient people I know, but I have my limits too. I'm resentful. And frustrated. And yes, very tired. In fact, so tired that I can't sleep. Funny how that happens.
I've got to shake this bad attitude off. I need to and I'm sure I will. It's just that I'm not myself without a child. I've waited long enough, really, I have. I want to fully realize my potential on this earth.
I need my sleep because I work tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. Before Monday morning I also have to write two 3 page papers (in APA style, no less) and study for test #2. I'm not motivated. It seems like an insurmountable task. I'm afraid that I might be sabotaging myself, but I see no way to reconcile wants and needs right now. Maybe I shouldn't call it sabotage, maybe it's simply making a choice (one with unattractive consequences). I could live with that if it was my choice to make freely, but it isn't.
My husband is somewhere else entirely. I guess that's what I get for marrying someone older who has been married and who has raised a child already. He just isn't on the same schedule.
I suppose I should be ashamed of myself for complaining about work circumstances when so many people are still unemployed, but I'm tired of delaying gratification in my life. I think I'm one of the most patient people I know, but I have my limits too. I'm resentful. And frustrated. And yes, very tired. In fact, so tired that I can't sleep. Funny how that happens.
I've got to shake this bad attitude off. I need to and I'm sure I will. It's just that I'm not myself without a child. I've waited long enough, really, I have. I want to fully realize my potential on this earth.
I need my sleep because I work tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. Before Monday morning I also have to write two 3 page papers (in APA style, no less) and study for test #2. I'm not motivated. It seems like an insurmountable task. I'm afraid that I might be sabotaging myself, but I see no way to reconcile wants and needs right now. Maybe I shouldn't call it sabotage, maybe it's simply making a choice (one with unattractive consequences). I could live with that if it was my choice to make freely, but it isn't.
My husband is somewhere else entirely. I guess that's what I get for marrying someone older who has been married and who has raised a child already. He just isn't on the same schedule.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
A Prayer
On one of my last nights on the night shift at work a few weeks ago, a coworker (who has the somewhat deserved reputation of being crazy) and I said a prayer for E, my stepdaughter. She had been in the ICU days before.
Perhaps it was the prayer, perhaps it was the natural progression of a life teetering on the edge, but she is back in the hospital, and this time because she voluntarily requested a feeding tube. She wants to be well enough to go to an eating disorder treatment facility that she hasn't been to yet, which sounds promising. She needs to be "medically stable" to attend, which means gaining at least 8 lbs... No easy feat, tube or not, when her mind is torturing her. I wish her well.
We spoke on the phone earlier, and at one point she said, "I hope that if you have a child, that my dad is more emotionally invested in that child, because from a kids' perspective I can tell you that it really hurts that he isn't emotionally involved in my life". Ouch. Have I ever mentioned how glad I am that I'm not a man? Very glad, very very glad. Hy husband tries to be involved, but as I type this, my stepchild is in a room on the telemetry unit that I work on, at the hospital where my husband has worked for the last 15 years, with both a sitter and a security officer posted outside her door. I might also add that my husband oversees the security department, and his ex wife has been complaining to the administration department and his coworkers about the treatment of E... Any sense of privacy was out the window a long time ago.
E doesn't realize that it's hard to go to work in a place where there is no protection of privacy. Friend and foe alike are "up in our business", and it's a heavy burden, even for me. Fielding questions from those who feign concern only to broadcast family matters in their gossip circles is no fun at all. Nor does she understand that her dad, while his heart is absolutely breaking on a daily basis because of her disorder, can't be so emotionally involved that he loses all sense of joy and function in life, which is what her mom has done. It's a difficult, no-win situation...
I meanwhile, need to be successful in school... But it's hard to focus when the drama of her situation takes front and center stage. Some detachment is necessary for survival, as sad as that is.
Perhaps it was the prayer, perhaps it was the natural progression of a life teetering on the edge, but she is back in the hospital, and this time because she voluntarily requested a feeding tube. She wants to be well enough to go to an eating disorder treatment facility that she hasn't been to yet, which sounds promising. She needs to be "medically stable" to attend, which means gaining at least 8 lbs... No easy feat, tube or not, when her mind is torturing her. I wish her well.
We spoke on the phone earlier, and at one point she said, "I hope that if you have a child, that my dad is more emotionally invested in that child, because from a kids' perspective I can tell you that it really hurts that he isn't emotionally involved in my life". Ouch. Have I ever mentioned how glad I am that I'm not a man? Very glad, very very glad. Hy husband tries to be involved, but as I type this, my stepchild is in a room on the telemetry unit that I work on, at the hospital where my husband has worked for the last 15 years, with both a sitter and a security officer posted outside her door. I might also add that my husband oversees the security department, and his ex wife has been complaining to the administration department and his coworkers about the treatment of E... Any sense of privacy was out the window a long time ago.
E doesn't realize that it's hard to go to work in a place where there is no protection of privacy. Friend and foe alike are "up in our business", and it's a heavy burden, even for me. Fielding questions from those who feign concern only to broadcast family matters in their gossip circles is no fun at all. Nor does she understand that her dad, while his heart is absolutely breaking on a daily basis because of her disorder, can't be so emotionally involved that he loses all sense of joy and function in life, which is what her mom has done. It's a difficult, no-win situation...
I meanwhile, need to be successful in school... But it's hard to focus when the drama of her situation takes front and center stage. Some detachment is necessary for survival, as sad as that is.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
State of Mind
Somehow I finished the first semester of the nursing program, working full time. The sad thing is, that although I made it, I am so exhausted from my battles at work that I don't have peace. My employer made things so very difficult for me that it has really left a bad taste in my mouth. Couple that with the way that I observe nurses being treated, and I'm just not sure why I'm doing this.
So I passed the first semester, and am now a few weeks into the second... I aced my first test, but it's hardly comforting. As I sit here typing, I should be on my way to the hospital to select my two patients for tomorrow. I'm just not motivated.
I suppose it would have helped if I had enjoyed my 6 weeks off over winter break, but too many trips to HR at work, and too many uncertainties until the eleventh hour made it tough. Christmas was a bummer, I was so stressed out about everything. My husband and I bought a tree but never got around to decorating it. We didn't even see my stepdaughter until sometime in late January. Her health has been so bad that it's a wonder she is still alive. Her gifts sat in a pile on the floor for weeks, and our phone calls to her went unanswered.
I'm now 35 1/2, less than a month from my first wedding anniversary, and there are no plans for a baby. My husband tells me, "Get through school first". I try to explain to him that time is a luxury that we don't have, but he doesn't get it (doesn't want to get it, I guess). At 50, you would think he'd be a little bit more concerned.
I know that this is all doom and gloom... Fortunately, there have been bright spots over the last few months. My first semester instructor set up a learning experience for me during our last few weeks of class- I got to go into the OR and observe three surgeries. Wow, I think that was the highlight of my year. It was truly amazing. And the anesthesiologist was amazing... He really took me under his wing and made it an incredible learning experience. Funny, I never told my instructor that I've been considering becoming a Nurse Anesthetist, but the experience seemed hand picked for it.
On another positive note, I was accepted into the union-sponsored loan stipend program at work for the duration of the ADN program that I'm enrolled in. This program enables employees to reduce their hours and get paid a stipend equivalent to 8 hours per week. I've reduced from 40 to 20, but will be paid an additional 8 per week... Not bad. There is no limit on the number of times one can take advantage of this benefit, so it's possible that I could utilize it for a BSN and MSN as well. We'll see...
So I passed the first semester, and am now a few weeks into the second... I aced my first test, but it's hardly comforting. As I sit here typing, I should be on my way to the hospital to select my two patients for tomorrow. I'm just not motivated.
I suppose it would have helped if I had enjoyed my 6 weeks off over winter break, but too many trips to HR at work, and too many uncertainties until the eleventh hour made it tough. Christmas was a bummer, I was so stressed out about everything. My husband and I bought a tree but never got around to decorating it. We didn't even see my stepdaughter until sometime in late January. Her health has been so bad that it's a wonder she is still alive. Her gifts sat in a pile on the floor for weeks, and our phone calls to her went unanswered.
I'm now 35 1/2, less than a month from my first wedding anniversary, and there are no plans for a baby. My husband tells me, "Get through school first". I try to explain to him that time is a luxury that we don't have, but he doesn't get it (doesn't want to get it, I guess). At 50, you would think he'd be a little bit more concerned.
I know that this is all doom and gloom... Fortunately, there have been bright spots over the last few months. My first semester instructor set up a learning experience for me during our last few weeks of class- I got to go into the OR and observe three surgeries. Wow, I think that was the highlight of my year. It was truly amazing. And the anesthesiologist was amazing... He really took me under his wing and made it an incredible learning experience. Funny, I never told my instructor that I've been considering becoming a Nurse Anesthetist, but the experience seemed hand picked for it.
On another positive note, I was accepted into the union-sponsored loan stipend program at work for the duration of the ADN program that I'm enrolled in. This program enables employees to reduce their hours and get paid a stipend equivalent to 8 hours per week. I've reduced from 40 to 20, but will be paid an additional 8 per week... Not bad. There is no limit on the number of times one can take advantage of this benefit, so it's possible that I could utilize it for a BSN and MSN as well. We'll see...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Revisiting Old Sorrows
Every week in the nursing program we do a new "clinical prep"- this involves going to the hospital the day before we will provide care in order to pick a patient and do preparatory work (looking over the orders in the chart as well as researching prescribed medications and reviewing disease pathologies). It's a time consuming process and perhaps the hardest part of my week.
Last week, I picked a patient who had not yet been brought to the unit from the emergency department, so I couldn't peruse the chart noncommittally as I usually do. The assigned nurse was taking report over the phone. I was drawn to this particular patient because the one piece of information that I had- that he had a tracheostomy and was on a vent- sounded like it would make for a good learning experience. So I went into the nurse's lounge to wait out the 20 minutes or so that it would take the RN and ward clerk to gather enough information to put together a rudimentary chart.
After 20 minutes had elapsed, I went back out to the nurse's station, and I could see that it was slow going. The nurse was on the phone with the physician regarding the patient's medications. I toyed with the idea of picking a different patient, but I felt committed, so I retreated to the lounge to wait a while longer.
Finally I was able to get my hands on the chart and began the process of sifting through it for the information that I needed. As I skimmed through a rather lengthy medication list, hastily scrawling as I went, it became ever more clear that it was going to be a long night. Prepping meds can be tedious work, but I was comforted somewhat by the fact that most of the meds would be given by G tube, a skill I enjoy practicing. So I plodded along, until I came across something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Rilutek. This unusual medication has one purpose: delaying the progress of the degenerative motor neuron disease ALS. I know this because ALS took the life of my dad 8 years ago- it is an unkind disease that shows little mercy to its victims. "What are the chances?", I asked myself, as well as, "Can I handle this? Should I pick someone else to care for?"
I can happily report that I did not pick a new patient. The next two days were hard, but I kept myself together and provided the best care that I was able to provide to this man. I did not shed a single tear or feel overwhelmed while in the hospital. I was not preoccupied with memories of my father, nor was I overly detached emotionally. I feel that I handled myself well. Of course, once I was in my car and on the way home at the end of my second and final clinical day with him, I did shed some tears as I remembered my dad. I thought about the cruel course of his illness and the deep, life altering pain that engulfed my entire family for many years.
I am now two weeks from finishing the first semester of the nursing program. It has been difficult. I'm still attempting to work full time, averaging 28 hours per week. I'm still getting little support from my employer regarding my schedule (an ongoing source of frustration and something I don't wish to recount here). The important thing, though, is that I'm surviving. It is tough and it is certainly taking a toll on my health and well being, but I have done it. I guess I shouldn't count my chickens yet, but I'm feeling very proud of myself. Although it's bittersweet in light of the emotional ups and downs that I am put through, it's a victory.
Last week, I picked a patient who had not yet been brought to the unit from the emergency department, so I couldn't peruse the chart noncommittally as I usually do. The assigned nurse was taking report over the phone. I was drawn to this particular patient because the one piece of information that I had- that he had a tracheostomy and was on a vent- sounded like it would make for a good learning experience. So I went into the nurse's lounge to wait out the 20 minutes or so that it would take the RN and ward clerk to gather enough information to put together a rudimentary chart.
After 20 minutes had elapsed, I went back out to the nurse's station, and I could see that it was slow going. The nurse was on the phone with the physician regarding the patient's medications. I toyed with the idea of picking a different patient, but I felt committed, so I retreated to the lounge to wait a while longer.
Finally I was able to get my hands on the chart and began the process of sifting through it for the information that I needed. As I skimmed through a rather lengthy medication list, hastily scrawling as I went, it became ever more clear that it was going to be a long night. Prepping meds can be tedious work, but I was comforted somewhat by the fact that most of the meds would be given by G tube, a skill I enjoy practicing. So I plodded along, until I came across something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Rilutek. This unusual medication has one purpose: delaying the progress of the degenerative motor neuron disease ALS. I know this because ALS took the life of my dad 8 years ago- it is an unkind disease that shows little mercy to its victims. "What are the chances?", I asked myself, as well as, "Can I handle this? Should I pick someone else to care for?"
I can happily report that I did not pick a new patient. The next two days were hard, but I kept myself together and provided the best care that I was able to provide to this man. I did not shed a single tear or feel overwhelmed while in the hospital. I was not preoccupied with memories of my father, nor was I overly detached emotionally. I feel that I handled myself well. Of course, once I was in my car and on the way home at the end of my second and final clinical day with him, I did shed some tears as I remembered my dad. I thought about the cruel course of his illness and the deep, life altering pain that engulfed my entire family for many years.
I am now two weeks from finishing the first semester of the nursing program. It has been difficult. I'm still attempting to work full time, averaging 28 hours per week. I'm still getting little support from my employer regarding my schedule (an ongoing source of frustration and something I don't wish to recount here). The important thing, though, is that I'm surviving. It is tough and it is certainly taking a toll on my health and well being, but I have done it. I guess I shouldn't count my chickens yet, but I'm feeling very proud of myself. Although it's bittersweet in light of the emotional ups and downs that I am put through, it's a victory.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Introducing... The Nursing Student
Blogging has taken a back seat to school lately. In fact, the only reason why I have *time* to blog right now is because I'm waiting for my dinner to cook! Usually, I'd be eating with my hubby, but he's out of town for a conference. I hope he's having a good time!
I'm tentatively planning to go in to work tonight, so I've got to get some sleep, but first I need to eat some real food. Tomorrow is my crazy day- I'll leave work early, then spend 12 straight hours on campus (the first 8 in skills lab, followed by a 4 hour class). Can I do it?? Yes, at this point I can!
My employer has been absolutely terrible these past few weeks. To call it a nightmare is to be too kind. But I have a plan, so I'm not going to worry about it. I will get through this program, and I will continue to pay my share of the mortgage. It's going to work out.
I had an exam today, and pulled off my second solid 'B' in the class. Not my best work, but good enough, especially as many of my fellow students struggle to pass. It's ok!
My Oregon trip before beginning the semester was fantastic. Between seeing Garrison Keillor perform live, river rafting, walking the quaint towns of Jacksonville and Ashland, working on my Airstream, eating amazing meals, and spending time with my girls (my mom and sis), it could not have been better!
I feel great about my life right now. It isn't perfect, but things are working, and I'm advancing! I am filled with peace and contentment, despite irritations such as the situation at work. I feel unshakable. I sure hope this feeling lasts!
I'm tentatively planning to go in to work tonight, so I've got to get some sleep, but first I need to eat some real food. Tomorrow is my crazy day- I'll leave work early, then spend 12 straight hours on campus (the first 8 in skills lab, followed by a 4 hour class). Can I do it?? Yes, at this point I can!
My employer has been absolutely terrible these past few weeks. To call it a nightmare is to be too kind. But I have a plan, so I'm not going to worry about it. I will get through this program, and I will continue to pay my share of the mortgage. It's going to work out.
I had an exam today, and pulled off my second solid 'B' in the class. Not my best work, but good enough, especially as many of my fellow students struggle to pass. It's ok!
My Oregon trip before beginning the semester was fantastic. Between seeing Garrison Keillor perform live, river rafting, walking the quaint towns of Jacksonville and Ashland, working on my Airstream, eating amazing meals, and spending time with my girls (my mom and sis), it could not have been better!
I feel great about my life right now. It isn't perfect, but things are working, and I'm advancing! I am filled with peace and contentment, despite irritations such as the situation at work. I feel unshakable. I sure hope this feeling lasts!
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