My shower was a blast... I'm glad I went! Who doesn't love watching belly dancers? A good time was had by all. I took a nap as planned beforehand, and luckily I was so tired (and drained) that sleep aids were not required. I guess I should just toss all that leftover medication. It's expired, anyway. When I woke up from my nap, I did my own nails, straightened my hair as planned (it takes exactly one hour, I timed it!) and best of all, I was able to fit into my favorite jeans-- Woo hoo! No shopping was necessary. I even found some cute heeled boots in my closet that I bought three years ago and have never worn... So it was like shopping in my own closet.
It was wonderful being among family and friends for the evening. I felt loved! I started the evening with a yummy pomegranate martini, had my cards read, enjoyed the ambiance, ate a rich, high calorie meal, and opened fun presents (it was lingerie themed). It was all good.
Saturday night R and I had our tasting... That was fun. It was essentially a romantic dinner, which we haven't done for a long time. We have more clarity now as far as our reception menu. Our wedding is going to be so tiny, I'm thinking we should splurge and go with the $70 per person package... We've been talking about how if more people RSVP, we'll do a less expensive package, but it just isn't shaping up that way. In fact, earlier today our neighbor told me that he has to go into work that morning. It's sad getting the nays vs. the yays... But at least we can have a great party for the people who are able to come. It's looking like it will be a group of about 40.
This morning as R was gardening in the front yard, he got to chatting with our neighbor on the other side, and she told him that a surveyor was at the property across the street the other day. Apparently the new owners are a young couple who each already own a home. Their plan is to tear the house down. Bummer. We suspected a McMansion, now it seems it will be coming to fruition. Well, like I've said before, I just hope it's not a long, drawn out process! And I hope I'm able to sleep during the day while the work is going on. I guess it's time to try really hard to find a day shift job. Easier said than done... Maybe I shouldn't toss my sleep medication out just yet! I love architecture and the building process (having basically grown up in a construction zone) so actually, it could be very interesting. I'm intrigued that the couple is young... What does that mean exactly? Might they end up becoming friends? I hope so. We haven't seen them yet. So far, only a boat has moved in! It was trailered onto the driveway earlier today. A powerboat (AKA a "stinkpot"). Oh well, it could be worse.
The kites I ordered for the wedding arrived last week, and I immediately put them together. They are so cute (hearts with wings!). I ordered eight of them, as well as a giant heart parafoil kite for the two of us to fly. There may not be any wind on our wedding day, and I have no idea who might want to fly one (or if there will even be time!) but I'm excited about them anyway. So is R! As soon as the Olympic hockey game finishes up on TV, we're going to try to fly one around the neighborhood. Should be fun!
R told me a funny joke this morning: "What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?" Answer: "Beer nuts are under a dollar, and deer nuts are under a buck." Hee hee.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Green Eggs and Ham, Anyone?
I'm feeling fried. Fried, lifeless, and unappetizing! Oh yes, and green, too! I worked last night, so I need a nap, but it has to be a quick one. My bridal shower is tonight at 5 pm at a fun local Moroccan Restaurant (yep, they have belly dancing!). I have nothing to wear, so I want to try to go shopping this afternoon. It would also be nice to get my nails done (yeah, right- I've had like 3 manicures in my life.... I'm too lazy and cheap for that stuff!). It would also like to make time to straighten my hair... It looks so much prettier straight. That could take hours... No, days! Actually, it will probably take an hour and a half if I do it myself. I haven't tried it for a while. So yes, the nap can't be too long. I just need enough sleep to shake this fried, green, melancholy mood that is settling in!
What's the problem? Well, the P situation isn't exactly lifting my spirits (see last post). But I can't do anything about that. I've already apologized. More than that, though, I'm saddened because my stepmother and brother won't be at the wedding. I knew they wouldn't be able to come- they live in Sweden, and flights are not cheap. My brother is in school. Still, I was hopeful... Then yesterday a card arrived in the mail, decked out in a veritable wardrobe of Swedish postage. I hoped and hoped that when opened it, a check would not be inside. I knew that if I saw a check, it meant they wouldn't be coming. Sure enough, I opened the card and there was a check, a generous gift but not nearly as valuable as their presence would have been. Tucked beside it was the RSVP card, their names neatly written on the "sends regrets" line.
It's my own fault... I haven't been good at keeping in touch. I think about them on their birthdays and at Christmas, and on my dad's birthday... But I don't do a good job of calling or sending cards. I guess I'd rather not think about them, and they would probably rather not think about me. My dad is gone, and thinking of them reminds me of it.
After the letter arrived, I put it aside. My mind was racing and I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, so I got into my collection of medication from when I was being treated for depression. I pulled out the "big guns'- Klonopin. I was prescribed this medication more or less for emergencies when I absolutely needed sleep. I've only used it a handful of times, but I figured this situation qualified. It was effective. I fell asleep almost immediately. I didn't get all that many hours, but I woke up feeling better.
I think I'm going to use it again today, then hopefully I can put it away again for a few more years! I'm so ready to be done with wedding stuff. I don't want to think about family, and loss, and the many "what if" scenarios that accompany such a major life event. I want to get back to my quiet life and just live in the moment.
What's the problem? Well, the P situation isn't exactly lifting my spirits (see last post). But I can't do anything about that. I've already apologized. More than that, though, I'm saddened because my stepmother and brother won't be at the wedding. I knew they wouldn't be able to come- they live in Sweden, and flights are not cheap. My brother is in school. Still, I was hopeful... Then yesterday a card arrived in the mail, decked out in a veritable wardrobe of Swedish postage. I hoped and hoped that when opened it, a check would not be inside. I knew that if I saw a check, it meant they wouldn't be coming. Sure enough, I opened the card and there was a check, a generous gift but not nearly as valuable as their presence would have been. Tucked beside it was the RSVP card, their names neatly written on the "sends regrets" line.
It's my own fault... I haven't been good at keeping in touch. I think about them on their birthdays and at Christmas, and on my dad's birthday... But I don't do a good job of calling or sending cards. I guess I'd rather not think about them, and they would probably rather not think about me. My dad is gone, and thinking of them reminds me of it.
After the letter arrived, I put it aside. My mind was racing and I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, so I got into my collection of medication from when I was being treated for depression. I pulled out the "big guns'- Klonopin. I was prescribed this medication more or less for emergencies when I absolutely needed sleep. I've only used it a handful of times, but I figured this situation qualified. It was effective. I fell asleep almost immediately. I didn't get all that many hours, but I woke up feeling better.
I think I'm going to use it again today, then hopefully I can put it away again for a few more years! I'm so ready to be done with wedding stuff. I don't want to think about family, and loss, and the many "what if" scenarios that accompany such a major life event. I want to get back to my quiet life and just live in the moment.
In-Law Fun
When I marry R in approximately 3 weeks, I'll be gaining a stepdaughter but no in-laws exactly. Not only is R more than a decade my senior, but he was also the youngest of four children. He was the baby, the unplanned child that happened later in life for his parents. What this means is that his parents were contemporaries of my grandparents, and unfortunately they have both been gone for a long time (his dad died relatively young and has been gone for more than a quarter of a century now). I have mixed feelings about not gaining a set of in-laws. On the one hand, it makes me sad... I have a small family myself now, so between the two of us, we won't be giving a future child much extended family. I love big families, and I adored the three grandparents that I grew up with. If we have a child, he or she will be getting exactly one grandparent: my mom. My heart is in my throat as I write this... I love my mom, and she's an amazing grandma to my niece and nephew (who call her "Grandma Lion"), but can she give to them what three separate individuals gave me growing up? It's a lot to expect.
From a more selfish perspective, I'm kind of relieved about the lack of in-laws. The more people you throw into a marriage, the more potential for conflict there is. I think of my own father... Would he approve of R? I'll never know. It makes me sad but then it's also freeing-- I can make my own choices.
R has an older sister who is quite the character and who will be symbolically (at least in my mind) standing in for his parents at our wedding. I've ordered her a corsage, and I think of her as a motherly figure in his life. When he graduated high school in Chicago, she was already living and working as a nurse here in California, so he left his parents and moved in with her for his college years. She's incredibly likable, with a larger than life personality and charm. Unfortunately, she has a knack for inadvertently alienating people by making insensitive remarks to or about them. I've already been on the receiving end of her "foot-in-mouth" habit.
It was on my first visit to meet her (she lives with her husband in the Palm Springs area). We decided to spend a few days with them over Christmas one year. We were among a handful of guests, all of whom were very old friends of hers. Everyone was sitting at the table conversing, and R and I left the room for a few minutes. I guess she thought we were out of earshot, but we both heard her plainly telling the other guests (about me): "She's very nice but she doesn't have much ambition". Ouch. Her assessment of me may have been accurate, but in any case it wasn't something I appreciated hearing a woman I'd only just met tell her closest friends. It didn't exactly get our relationship off to a good start.
Fast forward to the present: We haven't ever become close. She just gave us a $100 gift card for each of the two gift registries I listed on our wedding website. It was a generous gift and I am grateful and moved by the gesture. Of course it isn't about money or "stuff", but her thoughtfulness was like oil in the gears of our "stuck" relationship. I was feeling very good about our potential to move beyond previous misunderstandings. Unfortunately, we've now just had another conflict (Ahhh, pre-wedding stress... can't we just be done with all of this already??).
My mom and sister are throwing me a bridal shower (in fact, it's tonight!). Although it's something we've talked about for a while, I wouldn't commit for the longest time. What can I say, the idea of it made me uncomfortable. I don't have a lot of friends or people I feel comfortable enough with to impose upon for yet another time and financial commitment (the wedding being commitment enough for a lot of people, I think). I was pretty much opposed to the idea until my mom relayed how a family friend said to her, "S should really reconsider. You only get married once, and it's an experience she'll regret not having." So with my reluctant blessing, my mom and sister began planning the shower in earnest a few short weeks ago. When they asked for a guest list, I supplied a minimum number of names-- just those people I know extremely well and don't feel bad imposing upon. R's sister P was not on the list. A few evenings ago, while on the phone with my mom, I mentioned P's generous wedding gifts. My mom met her a few Thanksgivings ago, and really liked her, and immediately chimed in that we should have invited her. She felt that we had forgotten her. So at her request I provided P's phone #, and she placed an "eleventh hour" phone call to her to invite her to join us.
The next day, P left two unhappy messages on our home answering machine, stating that her feelings were very hurt that she was "forgotten". I wrote her a lengthy email two days ago explaining the situation (including the fact that the shower planning was haphazard, that I was cautious with the guest list, that the other invitees had only been invited days before she was called...). I apologized and also explained that I don't exactly love being the center of attention, hence my initial desire to skip the shower altogether. She wrote back and was not at all sympathetic to my low key approach-- she concluded her email saying something along the lines of, "if you don't want to be the center of attention, you should have gone to the justice of the peace to be married, rather than planning a public ceremony."
Jeepers. Well, I disagree. Things aren't quite that black and white. One can dislike the spotlight and yet still yearn for the ceremony of a public wedding. I'm not devoid of emotion, after all! I don't want my wedding to go down like a business transaction.
From a more selfish perspective, I'm kind of relieved about the lack of in-laws. The more people you throw into a marriage, the more potential for conflict there is. I think of my own father... Would he approve of R? I'll never know. It makes me sad but then it's also freeing-- I can make my own choices.
R has an older sister who is quite the character and who will be symbolically (at least in my mind) standing in for his parents at our wedding. I've ordered her a corsage, and I think of her as a motherly figure in his life. When he graduated high school in Chicago, she was already living and working as a nurse here in California, so he left his parents and moved in with her for his college years. She's incredibly likable, with a larger than life personality and charm. Unfortunately, she has a knack for inadvertently alienating people by making insensitive remarks to or about them. I've already been on the receiving end of her "foot-in-mouth" habit.
It was on my first visit to meet her (she lives with her husband in the Palm Springs area). We decided to spend a few days with them over Christmas one year. We were among a handful of guests, all of whom were very old friends of hers. Everyone was sitting at the table conversing, and R and I left the room for a few minutes. I guess she thought we were out of earshot, but we both heard her plainly telling the other guests (about me): "She's very nice but she doesn't have much ambition". Ouch. Her assessment of me may have been accurate, but in any case it wasn't something I appreciated hearing a woman I'd only just met tell her closest friends. It didn't exactly get our relationship off to a good start.
Fast forward to the present: We haven't ever become close. She just gave us a $100 gift card for each of the two gift registries I listed on our wedding website. It was a generous gift and I am grateful and moved by the gesture. Of course it isn't about money or "stuff", but her thoughtfulness was like oil in the gears of our "stuck" relationship. I was feeling very good about our potential to move beyond previous misunderstandings. Unfortunately, we've now just had another conflict (Ahhh, pre-wedding stress... can't we just be done with all of this already??).
My mom and sister are throwing me a bridal shower (in fact, it's tonight!). Although it's something we've talked about for a while, I wouldn't commit for the longest time. What can I say, the idea of it made me uncomfortable. I don't have a lot of friends or people I feel comfortable enough with to impose upon for yet another time and financial commitment (the wedding being commitment enough for a lot of people, I think). I was pretty much opposed to the idea until my mom relayed how a family friend said to her, "S should really reconsider. You only get married once, and it's an experience she'll regret not having." So with my reluctant blessing, my mom and sister began planning the shower in earnest a few short weeks ago. When they asked for a guest list, I supplied a minimum number of names-- just those people I know extremely well and don't feel bad imposing upon. R's sister P was not on the list. A few evenings ago, while on the phone with my mom, I mentioned P's generous wedding gifts. My mom met her a few Thanksgivings ago, and really liked her, and immediately chimed in that we should have invited her. She felt that we had forgotten her. So at her request I provided P's phone #, and she placed an "eleventh hour" phone call to her to invite her to join us.
The next day, P left two unhappy messages on our home answering machine, stating that her feelings were very hurt that she was "forgotten". I wrote her a lengthy email two days ago explaining the situation (including the fact that the shower planning was haphazard, that I was cautious with the guest list, that the other invitees had only been invited days before she was called...). I apologized and also explained that I don't exactly love being the center of attention, hence my initial desire to skip the shower altogether. She wrote back and was not at all sympathetic to my low key approach-- she concluded her email saying something along the lines of, "if you don't want to be the center of attention, you should have gone to the justice of the peace to be married, rather than planning a public ceremony."
Jeepers. Well, I disagree. Things aren't quite that black and white. One can dislike the spotlight and yet still yearn for the ceremony of a public wedding. I'm not devoid of emotion, after all! I don't want my wedding to go down like a business transaction.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
V-Day Disaster
I had an interesting Valentine's Day this year. R and I took the opportunity to go to a jewelers to purchase my wedding band (actually, a solitaire enhancer) and a gift for me- diamond earrings. Hooray! He got me earrings a few years ago and I lost them. How I managed to do that, I don't know exactly, but for the longest time I thought I would never hear the end of it. I loved them and kept asking for replacements, but it seemed it was never going to happen. Then a few months ago, R lost his cell phone. He put it into his pocket one Saturday when E was still at UCLA. The weather was nice, so he rode his motorcycle up to visit her. When he arrived at the unit, he was expected to turn in his phone (a UCLA policy due to the prevalence of camera phones, to protect the privacy of patients in the facility). He checked his pocket, and found that it was unzipped. When he reached inside, the phone was missing. It was a big deal- he is a man who doesn't lose things. Heck, he notices if you move something an inch. Nothing escapes him. The fact that he somehow lost his phone was shocking, especially for him. Happily, I think he came to the conclusion that it's possible to love something, to be responsible with it, and to lose it anyway. The door was opened to the possibility of new earrings for me!
So in the middle of the day on a beautiful Valentine's Day we found ourselves indoors at the jeweler. We'd been there before to look at the rings, so it only took a few minutes for me to choose the one that I wanted. A few minutes after that, we'd chosen my earrings, and I was so ecstatic to have another pair that I asked to wear them out of the store. The sales associate disappeared behind the counter to ring it all up. Because we were purchasing a solitaire enhancer for my wedding band, the jeweler had both rings with her behind the counter (a diamond engagement ring basically tucks into a solitaire enhancer as if it is wearing a nice jacket. These are also referred to as ring guards, ring wraps, etc.- there are many different styles but they all do basically the same thing, which is to add some "bling" to a basic solitaire).
While we were waiting there behind the counter, it happened- the sales woman suddenly looked panicked and motioned to an associate for assistance. They were speaking in hushed tones and began to duck down behind the counter. What was going on? Well, while ringing us up, the sales woman lifted up a piece of paper sitting on the counter, forgetting that the rings were resting atop it. The rings went airborne, and when they landed my solitaire of the past two plus years (the very ring R proposed with!) was nowhere to be found. At first, we were patient. As various associates disappeared behind the counter to provide assistance, we browsed the store. As the minutes ticked by, we became incredulous- where could it have gone? The space did not appear to be all that big, why hadn't it been located? The store was hopping, so the associates couldn't help their colleague for long. After quite a while (perhaps an hour?) R expressed frustration with one of the associates, who basically said, "Why don't you come back behind the counter and help look for it?" So we did, which was surreal. I'm sure the store management would not have been pleased, but there we were, on hands and knees in the cramped space, trying not to trip over one another. It was almost like a game of Twister. Soon it became clear why my ring could not be found- the pristine jewelry store was a mess behind the counter! There were nooks and crannies all over the place, not to mention a small gap between the counter baseboard and the floor. There were also channels for wires beside the cash register- the perfect place to lose something. We took things apart, piece by piece, looking through drawers of tags and stacks of boxes, jars of pens and numerous dusty crevices. We couldn't find it. How much time passed- another hour? I'm not sure, but it was long enough to leave us thoroughly discouraged. At one point Alice (our associate) told us she had a similar ring at home, and she would bring it in and give it to me. R was quick to respond, "Absolutely not!"
Finally, he'd had enough. He turned to me and said, "We're leaving. Give them back the earrings and let's go." So I removed my Valentine's Day gift (from my earlobes!) and he took back his check. We wrote down our phone number and Alice scrawled a note indicating she had lost my personal ring. It was a strange, unsettling experience. We walked out into the sunshine feeling disoriented. R didn't want to give them our business until my ring had been located, but it was disappointing handing over the earrings. My finger felt naked. Neither of us was in the mood to do any more shopping, so we drove home. R commented that he'd never gone to a store to make a purchase and left having lost something before.
Luckily, this bizarre experience had a happy ending-- after dinner that evening one of the associates called to say that my ring had been found. I had to work that night, but the next day was a holiday for R so we headed back to the store. Boy was I happy to see my ring! They gave us a discount on the enhancer and earrings for our troubles, so it all worked out in the end.
So in the middle of the day on a beautiful Valentine's Day we found ourselves indoors at the jeweler. We'd been there before to look at the rings, so it only took a few minutes for me to choose the one that I wanted. A few minutes after that, we'd chosen my earrings, and I was so ecstatic to have another pair that I asked to wear them out of the store. The sales associate disappeared behind the counter to ring it all up. Because we were purchasing a solitaire enhancer for my wedding band, the jeweler had both rings with her behind the counter (a diamond engagement ring basically tucks into a solitaire enhancer as if it is wearing a nice jacket. These are also referred to as ring guards, ring wraps, etc.- there are many different styles but they all do basically the same thing, which is to add some "bling" to a basic solitaire).
While we were waiting there behind the counter, it happened- the sales woman suddenly looked panicked and motioned to an associate for assistance. They were speaking in hushed tones and began to duck down behind the counter. What was going on? Well, while ringing us up, the sales woman lifted up a piece of paper sitting on the counter, forgetting that the rings were resting atop it. The rings went airborne, and when they landed my solitaire of the past two plus years (the very ring R proposed with!) was nowhere to be found. At first, we were patient. As various associates disappeared behind the counter to provide assistance, we browsed the store. As the minutes ticked by, we became incredulous- where could it have gone? The space did not appear to be all that big, why hadn't it been located? The store was hopping, so the associates couldn't help their colleague for long. After quite a while (perhaps an hour?) R expressed frustration with one of the associates, who basically said, "Why don't you come back behind the counter and help look for it?" So we did, which was surreal. I'm sure the store management would not have been pleased, but there we were, on hands and knees in the cramped space, trying not to trip over one another. It was almost like a game of Twister. Soon it became clear why my ring could not be found- the pristine jewelry store was a mess behind the counter! There were nooks and crannies all over the place, not to mention a small gap between the counter baseboard and the floor. There were also channels for wires beside the cash register- the perfect place to lose something. We took things apart, piece by piece, looking through drawers of tags and stacks of boxes, jars of pens and numerous dusty crevices. We couldn't find it. How much time passed- another hour? I'm not sure, but it was long enough to leave us thoroughly discouraged. At one point Alice (our associate) told us she had a similar ring at home, and she would bring it in and give it to me. R was quick to respond, "Absolutely not!"
Finally, he'd had enough. He turned to me and said, "We're leaving. Give them back the earrings and let's go." So I removed my Valentine's Day gift (from my earlobes!) and he took back his check. We wrote down our phone number and Alice scrawled a note indicating she had lost my personal ring. It was a strange, unsettling experience. We walked out into the sunshine feeling disoriented. R didn't want to give them our business until my ring had been located, but it was disappointing handing over the earrings. My finger felt naked. Neither of us was in the mood to do any more shopping, so we drove home. R commented that he'd never gone to a store to make a purchase and left having lost something before.
Luckily, this bizarre experience had a happy ending-- after dinner that evening one of the associates called to say that my ring had been found. I had to work that night, but the next day was a holiday for R so we headed back to the store. Boy was I happy to see my ring! They gave us a discount on the enhancer and earrings for our troubles, so it all worked out in the end.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Baby Did A Bad, Bad Thing
I did it again. I bought another wedding gown on ebay. What's wrong with me?! I just can't help myself. Fortunately, I'm not spending a lot of money (this last one was an inexpensive jcrew gown marked down to just over a hundred bucks) but still... I should be working with what I already have! Good grief!
So I'm now starting week 4 of Optifast... It's going ok. This despite cheating a lot last week. Oh well, you know what they say... When you fall off the horse, get back on! The "cheating" began because I wanted to try out chewing on the left side of my mouth, so I grabbed a handful of Cracklin' Oat Bran one morning. Verdict: still tender. I haven't had to use my chompers over the past few weeks, but when I was chewing a stick of gum one day I noticed tenderness/pain in an area where I got a cavity filled a few weeks ago. Oh my! I've never had a poor dental outcome before! Let's hope it's nothing! I continued my cheating spree a few more times with a few more things, including wedding cake. What can I say, I can't pick out a wedding cake without tasting it! Despite being plied with several exotic taste combinations, in the end my honey and I decided to go with a time-honored classic- light chiffon with strawberries and bananas cut up between the layers. Yum-yum. Simple but sweet!
With the cheating, my total weight loss for the week was about 2.2 pounds. Not phenomenal, but not horrid, either. My grand total is now just under 12 pounds. I'm starting to receive compliments (from co-workers and from R) so I guess it's becoming noticeable. That's cool. I've still got a ways to go, however. I notice it when I try to do things like sit down in the bathtub-- I go down with a thud! What happened to the graceful me?! By "graceful" of course I mean the athletic me. I've always had two left feet, but at least I had a level of athleticism and strength to prevent things like teetering around in the tub! I've never been "thin" exactly. Funny, but I never really wanted to be! My lightest as an adult was 118, and that was fabulous but not thin considering my height. I just don't feel the need to be tiny (maybe because of the E saga). I don't associate being tiny with good health... In fact I really like having a little bit of fat in the right places! So we'll see what I decide to do as the weeks go on in this program. Since people often gain as much as 50% of their total weight loss back, maybe I'll set my target a little lower than my former "set point" weight of 125. The program is 20 weeks altogether, so I have time to figure it out!
Last night we had a speaker... a radiant 53 year old business woman who dropped 100 pounds and now maintains her weight at a trim 120. Quite inspiring! One of her comments was that people from her class who cheated on the program were ultimately unsuccessful. You can't overcome cravings if you're constantly giving in to them, even if it's just a chip here or a piece of candy there. I left the meeting with new resolve. No cheating this week!
One thing she said that spoke to me was that she had an "ah-ha" moment in the program in which she realized that her relationship with food was a passive one. She's a successful woman and has always considered herself very strong and assertive, and she is in every other area of her life... But with food, she felt powerless and allowed herself to be out of control. She also told herself, "I'm not an exerciser"- she didn't think she could ever become one. Now she realizes that because she is a strong and assertive person, there is no reason why she can't be that way in every area of her life. So she made a conscious decision to take control, and she has succeeded.
Why this spoke to me: I want to be a woman like she is. I feel strong on the inside, and I want to be strong on the outside. I want to project strength and assertiveness. I want to be in control of my life. I'm not that person. I've heard it from other people- "You lack assertiveness"- and I guess I don't quite get it. I feel like I'm incredibly assertive when I need to be. But maybe that's the problem... It's on an "as needed" basis, and often I don't feel like it's necessary to have a voice. I hope I can find it.
I've always longed for marriage and a family, and I think part of it it simply being able to pour myself into improving someone else's life... I want to give. I feel like I find purpose in building up others. Part of that is noble and worthwhile, but part of it is simply avoiding my own life. Whether or not I become a mom, and regardless of what happens in my marriage to R, I really hope I can learn to be strong and to be my own biggest fan. When I see confidence and strength in others, I'm drawn to it and I admire them for it. Even as they toot their own horn, I'm in the cheerleading section backing them up. I wonder why I can't do the same for myself? Just something to ponder and work on.
So I'm now starting week 4 of Optifast... It's going ok. This despite cheating a lot last week. Oh well, you know what they say... When you fall off the horse, get back on! The "cheating" began because I wanted to try out chewing on the left side of my mouth, so I grabbed a handful of Cracklin' Oat Bran one morning. Verdict: still tender. I haven't had to use my chompers over the past few weeks, but when I was chewing a stick of gum one day I noticed tenderness/pain in an area where I got a cavity filled a few weeks ago. Oh my! I've never had a poor dental outcome before! Let's hope it's nothing! I continued my cheating spree a few more times with a few more things, including wedding cake. What can I say, I can't pick out a wedding cake without tasting it! Despite being plied with several exotic taste combinations, in the end my honey and I decided to go with a time-honored classic- light chiffon with strawberries and bananas cut up between the layers. Yum-yum. Simple but sweet!
With the cheating, my total weight loss for the week was about 2.2 pounds. Not phenomenal, but not horrid, either. My grand total is now just under 12 pounds. I'm starting to receive compliments (from co-workers and from R) so I guess it's becoming noticeable. That's cool. I've still got a ways to go, however. I notice it when I try to do things like sit down in the bathtub-- I go down with a thud! What happened to the graceful me?! By "graceful" of course I mean the athletic me. I've always had two left feet, but at least I had a level of athleticism and strength to prevent things like teetering around in the tub! I've never been "thin" exactly. Funny, but I never really wanted to be! My lightest as an adult was 118, and that was fabulous but not thin considering my height. I just don't feel the need to be tiny (maybe because of the E saga). I don't associate being tiny with good health... In fact I really like having a little bit of fat in the right places! So we'll see what I decide to do as the weeks go on in this program. Since people often gain as much as 50% of their total weight loss back, maybe I'll set my target a little lower than my former "set point" weight of 125. The program is 20 weeks altogether, so I have time to figure it out!
Last night we had a speaker... a radiant 53 year old business woman who dropped 100 pounds and now maintains her weight at a trim 120. Quite inspiring! One of her comments was that people from her class who cheated on the program were ultimately unsuccessful. You can't overcome cravings if you're constantly giving in to them, even if it's just a chip here or a piece of candy there. I left the meeting with new resolve. No cheating this week!
One thing she said that spoke to me was that she had an "ah-ha" moment in the program in which she realized that her relationship with food was a passive one. She's a successful woman and has always considered herself very strong and assertive, and she is in every other area of her life... But with food, she felt powerless and allowed herself to be out of control. She also told herself, "I'm not an exerciser"- she didn't think she could ever become one. Now she realizes that because she is a strong and assertive person, there is no reason why she can't be that way in every area of her life. So she made a conscious decision to take control, and she has succeeded.
Why this spoke to me: I want to be a woman like she is. I feel strong on the inside, and I want to be strong on the outside. I want to project strength and assertiveness. I want to be in control of my life. I'm not that person. I've heard it from other people- "You lack assertiveness"- and I guess I don't quite get it. I feel like I'm incredibly assertive when I need to be. But maybe that's the problem... It's on an "as needed" basis, and often I don't feel like it's necessary to have a voice. I hope I can find it.
I've always longed for marriage and a family, and I think part of it it simply being able to pour myself into improving someone else's life... I want to give. I feel like I find purpose in building up others. Part of that is noble and worthwhile, but part of it is simply avoiding my own life. Whether or not I become a mom, and regardless of what happens in my marriage to R, I really hope I can learn to be strong and to be my own biggest fan. When I see confidence and strength in others, I'm drawn to it and I admire them for it. Even as they toot their own horn, I'm in the cheerleading section backing them up. I wonder why I can't do the same for myself? Just something to ponder and work on.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Orchid Invasion
I'm sitting in my office at home (What a treat! It seems like I usually blog from work), thinking about nothing in particular. I just got home from my Optifast meeting. It seems my total weight loss for the week was not quite as generous as I thought (more like 3 pounds, not 5), but that's ok. I'm feeling better, I'm looking better... and that's what it's about, not numbers. Best of all, I'm learning skills from the literature that is part of the class. Tonight we discussed cues-- overeating can be caused by three main types of cues: social, internal, and external. External might be something like a restaurant commercial, social is self explanatory (the breakroom at work being the biggie for me!). It's the internal cues that are more interesting-- things like fatigue (my other biggie!!!!), loneliness, boredom. I've mentioned before that I think much of what I'm learning is relevant to E, but tonight I made another realization- much of what I'm learning applies to a lot of the other bad habits that I've picked up, which have nothing to do with food.
Some people eat when they're tired, bored, lonely... I suppose I do on occasion, but a much more attractive outlet for me has always been the computer (and so here I sit!). I'm an information fiend, so it's quite the temptation. I think in 2010 I will cut back. It's been a goal of mine for a while, but it's not a super pressing one so it's easy to overlook. I realize now that while it's an activity that I enjoy, it's probably time to find a substitute that has a physical component. I was thrilled when I came across this awesome desk on Amazon.com: http://www.trekdesk.com/. It would be a start to a healthier lifestyle, but just a start. Why not make a clean break and pick up some new hobbies that take me out of the office entirely?
I don't have to look far. At the moment, there are approximately 25 orchids in the house, and many more in our greenhouse outdoors! It is mainly R's hobby, but I enjoy it, too. My grandmother grew cymbidiums, and I know she would be thrilled that we still have a few from her yard. Maybe over the coming months I'll devote more energy to our orchids and ever expanding collection of succulents. Blogging is therapeutic, but facebook and endless web searches are becoming increasingly tedious. It's time to get my hands dirty!
Some people eat when they're tired, bored, lonely... I suppose I do on occasion, but a much more attractive outlet for me has always been the computer (and so here I sit!). I'm an information fiend, so it's quite the temptation. I think in 2010 I will cut back. It's been a goal of mine for a while, but it's not a super pressing one so it's easy to overlook. I realize now that while it's an activity that I enjoy, it's probably time to find a substitute that has a physical component. I was thrilled when I came across this awesome desk on Amazon.com: http://www.trekdesk.com/. It would be a start to a healthier lifestyle, but just a start. Why not make a clean break and pick up some new hobbies that take me out of the office entirely?
I don't have to look far. At the moment, there are approximately 25 orchids in the house, and many more in our greenhouse outdoors! It is mainly R's hobby, but I enjoy it, too. My grandmother grew cymbidiums, and I know she would be thrilled that we still have a few from her yard. Maybe over the coming months I'll devote more energy to our orchids and ever expanding collection of succulents. Blogging is therapeutic, but facebook and endless web searches are becoming increasingly tedious. It's time to get my hands dirty!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
Last night during the Superbowl, I took the opportunity to attempt to squeeze into my favorite jeans, then spun around in them so that R could see my progress so far. According to the scale, I've lost nearly ten pounds since starting the Optifast program. I can now squeeze into my jeans and even fasten them (but with considerable difficulty and significant "muffin top", so I won't be wearing them out anytime soon!). More importantly, though, I feel better, and my metabolic age (as relayed to me by my fancy Tanita scale) is slowly coming back into line with my chronological age. I'm still about ten years away from my actual age! Yikes.
A year ago I was happy to hop onto the scale, because I was always guaranteed a brag worthy number... Usually in the mid- 20's. R and I would laugh about what the scale told us... He would frequently get brag worthy numbers, too! Even though he's 15 years older, the scale would tell us a different story, and we'd laugh about how he was with an "older woman". I didn't mind being a few years his metabolic senior, but then a few years became a few decades. When my visceral fat rating began to jump, I knew it was time to take action.
So here I am. The program isn't easy, but seeing progress makes it worthwhile. The past few nights I've cheated a bit by substituting my last two shakes for plates of cooked edamame... Today I feel a renewed sense of willpower to continue. On my desk beside me are two photos, one from before I put on the weight, the second, after. It's sobering:
I look forward to adding a third picture in a few months time-- one that shows me back at my usual weight. I'm eager to be done with this chapter of my life so that I can move on to more important things. Today just happens to be the first day of the Spring semester at the local community colleges. I thought seriously about picking up a class, but with wedding prep and the weight loss program, I think I have enough on my plate for now. Perhaps in the summer or by next fall I'll be ready to do more! I hope so.
A year ago I was happy to hop onto the scale, because I was always guaranteed a brag worthy number... Usually in the mid- 20's. R and I would laugh about what the scale told us... He would frequently get brag worthy numbers, too! Even though he's 15 years older, the scale would tell us a different story, and we'd laugh about how he was with an "older woman". I didn't mind being a few years his metabolic senior, but then a few years became a few decades. When my visceral fat rating began to jump, I knew it was time to take action.
So here I am. The program isn't easy, but seeing progress makes it worthwhile. The past few nights I've cheated a bit by substituting my last two shakes for plates of cooked edamame... Today I feel a renewed sense of willpower to continue. On my desk beside me are two photos, one from before I put on the weight, the second, after. It's sobering:
Thursday, February 4, 2010
E Overload
Yes, I'm starting off a new day and a new entry with more E obsessiveness. Just to write that the "Lies and Deception" entry was right on the money... tragically. It's certainly not the kind of thing you want to be correct about. Emily and her dad spoke on Tuesday night, and when he pressed her about why she left UCLA, she admitted it was because she was "feeling too confined." She did not have a partial hospitalization program lined up, and has spent the past week hanging out at home. So that's that. I think her dad is disgusted with her, and to be honest, so am I.
At this moment, her wedding invitation is sitting on the dresser in our bedroom, and neither one of us wants to send it. I just started putting together a wedding website, and I didn't include her in an entry about attendants. Her bridesmaids' dress is hanging in the closet beside the one my sister will wear... When she saw it for the first time a month or so, the first words out of her mouth were, "Why does it look like it's the same size as hers?" My petite sister will be wearing an 8... E's dress was ordered in a size 2. And the 2 is probably much too big, but it was the smallest size that could be ordered at David's Bridal.
Before she entered this last round of treatment, I was all set to have her participate in the wedding, even though it meant that all eyes would be on her, even though it likely meant an endless stream of questions about her health, or worse, the unspoken questions that would make everyone uncomfortable. I was willing to go there because I care about her and I want her to feel included in our important day.
Now, I'm not so sure. I think this latest treatment attempt was nothing less than theatrics. That may sound harsh, but I don't see any effort on her part. It is still all a game.
My birthday was theatrics, and it's exhausting. I don't want it on my wedding day. On my birthday, the three of us met up at a Cuban restaurant near the condo where we used to live in Torrance. We watched the restaurant as it was being built, then moved shortly before it opened, so we had been curious about it. It wasn't, however, my restaurant of choice for my birthday... But E kept talking about it, so she and her dad decided that's where we would go. R planned to meet us there, so it was my job to pick up E. From the moment she stepped into my car, it was an exhausting evening. She was exuding happiness and a positive attitude to the extreme, making all kinds of strange comments about how she''d spent the day "blessing others" by "giving them a smile"... I didn't recognize her, because while the sentiments were nice, she was over the top. When we got to the restaurant, her dad picked up on it immediately, too. Who was this child with us? I tried to keep an open mind... Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She had been reading the book A Purpose Driven Life, so I was hopeful that she was simply taking the message of the book to heart. The thing was, it was so incredibly over the top... Larger than life. Emily used to talk about becoming an actress, so she has a knack for the dramatic anyway.
The evening became more extreme when it became clear that despite her desire to come to this restaurant, she wouldn't be ordering anything from the menu. Nothing met her standards. She had in fact had the takeout menu in her possession for a while, but as she looked over the dinner menu she remarked that it was completely different. She finally asked for grilled vegetables, but they didn't have the vegetables she wanted fresh... So at this restaurant that was really her idea, she ate a plate of grilled vegetables that came from a can (or were frozen- I don't remember), then raved endlessly to the waitstaff about how incredible it was. I couldn't wait for my birthday to end. Finally the evening was over, but I was faced with driving her home. I had been hoping she could ride home with her dad so that I could stop and do some errands on the way home, and decompress a little bit... But I couldn't find a way to say what I wanted in a non-hurtful manner, so I took her home (stopping half-halfheartedly at a store along the way, just to make it seem as though I wasn't in a rush to rid myself of her company).
"Worst birthday ever?" Maybe. I try not to be overly critical because part of the problem with eating disorder patients (or so I've read) is that they don't have a strong sense of self... So all the theatrics may just have been part of an ongoing attempt to find herself. Her behavior is not ever malicious.. Just inappropriate. But again, it's not something I want to deal with on my wedding day! She really got our hopes up when she checked into treatment... She was displaying a long absent maturity and sense of personal responsibility. It is devastating to see that it was a performance and not true change.
At this moment, her wedding invitation is sitting on the dresser in our bedroom, and neither one of us wants to send it. I just started putting together a wedding website, and I didn't include her in an entry about attendants. Her bridesmaids' dress is hanging in the closet beside the one my sister will wear... When she saw it for the first time a month or so, the first words out of her mouth were, "Why does it look like it's the same size as hers?" My petite sister will be wearing an 8... E's dress was ordered in a size 2. And the 2 is probably much too big, but it was the smallest size that could be ordered at David's Bridal.
Before she entered this last round of treatment, I was all set to have her participate in the wedding, even though it meant that all eyes would be on her, even though it likely meant an endless stream of questions about her health, or worse, the unspoken questions that would make everyone uncomfortable. I was willing to go there because I care about her and I want her to feel included in our important day.
Now, I'm not so sure. I think this latest treatment attempt was nothing less than theatrics. That may sound harsh, but I don't see any effort on her part. It is still all a game.
My birthday was theatrics, and it's exhausting. I don't want it on my wedding day. On my birthday, the three of us met up at a Cuban restaurant near the condo where we used to live in Torrance. We watched the restaurant as it was being built, then moved shortly before it opened, so we had been curious about it. It wasn't, however, my restaurant of choice for my birthday... But E kept talking about it, so she and her dad decided that's where we would go. R planned to meet us there, so it was my job to pick up E. From the moment she stepped into my car, it was an exhausting evening. She was exuding happiness and a positive attitude to the extreme, making all kinds of strange comments about how she''d spent the day "blessing others" by "giving them a smile"... I didn't recognize her, because while the sentiments were nice, she was over the top. When we got to the restaurant, her dad picked up on it immediately, too. Who was this child with us? I tried to keep an open mind... Maybe she suffers from undiagnosed bipolar disorder. She had been reading the book A Purpose Driven Life, so I was hopeful that she was simply taking the message of the book to heart. The thing was, it was so incredibly over the top... Larger than life. Emily used to talk about becoming an actress, so she has a knack for the dramatic anyway.
The evening became more extreme when it became clear that despite her desire to come to this restaurant, she wouldn't be ordering anything from the menu. Nothing met her standards. She had in fact had the takeout menu in her possession for a while, but as she looked over the dinner menu she remarked that it was completely different. She finally asked for grilled vegetables, but they didn't have the vegetables she wanted fresh... So at this restaurant that was really her idea, she ate a plate of grilled vegetables that came from a can (or were frozen- I don't remember), then raved endlessly to the waitstaff about how incredible it was. I couldn't wait for my birthday to end. Finally the evening was over, but I was faced with driving her home. I had been hoping she could ride home with her dad so that I could stop and do some errands on the way home, and decompress a little bit... But I couldn't find a way to say what I wanted in a non-hurtful manner, so I took her home (stopping half-halfheartedly at a store along the way, just to make it seem as though I wasn't in a rush to rid myself of her company).
"Worst birthday ever?" Maybe. I try not to be overly critical because part of the problem with eating disorder patients (or so I've read) is that they don't have a strong sense of self... So all the theatrics may just have been part of an ongoing attempt to find herself. Her behavior is not ever malicious.. Just inappropriate. But again, it's not something I want to deal with on my wedding day! She really got our hopes up when she checked into treatment... She was displaying a long absent maturity and sense of personal responsibility. It is devastating to see that it was a performance and not true change.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
First Week in Review
I'm one day short of my first week in the Optifast program. So far, it's going pretty well. It's funny that I've been so panicked about Emily finding out. What I'm doing is not about becoming skinny, it's about regaining my health. Unlike an eating disorder, my weight loss is being monitored by medical professionals via labs and medical checks. If my health is at all compromised by the low cal regimen, it will be noticed and corrected immediately.
The program consists of 5 shakes a day at 150 calories each, for a total of about 800 calories a day. It is mandatory to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, and it is mandatory to attend weekly educational classes. When I attended my first class last Wednesday, I received a thick binder filled with educational materials. I've been reading ahead, and have come across so many articles that are applicable not only to my situation but also would apply to disorders such as E's.
One of the very first articles I read had to do with the importance of drinking water, and includes the following information: "Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and begins to hold onto every drop. Water is stored in the extracellular spaces. This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands." Gee, I wish I'd had access to this information when E was at Rosewood Ranch in Arizona, fearful that her edematous ankles indicated the beginnings of renal failure! Of course, this material is an oversimplification, but it's useful nonetheless.
There are also articles about personal responsibility ("internal vs. external locus of control") that apply to her situation... But here I go again, focusing my blog and attention on E!
If I want to psychoanalyze myself, it's easy to understand my eagerness to focus on others and reluctance to focus on myself... When I focus on myself, I have to acknowledge all the things that are wrong in my life. Fortunately, it's a relatively short list! In 2010, I hope to deal with a lot of it. At the top of the list: feeling like a failure career-wise. I've become a serious underachiever. Is it low self-esteem? I don't know. All I know is that most UC Berkeley grads do not go out into the world and immediately settle for a super-easy, low-paying job. Even when they suffer setbacks, most people are resilient enough to keep the bar for themselves set high. They don't give up as readily. I am so incredibly failure-averse. I experience a setback and immediately drop the bar down to my ankles to avoid the feeling again. What is up with that??
I must constantly remind myself that I spent a decade in survival mode, dealing with a lot of things that would make anyone feel tired and weak. It's tough losing loved ones, and it was beyond tough having a front row seat to my grandmother's cancer. I was the one who was with her day in, day out... That's a big deal, so I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit. Before the experience, I felt like I could take on the world. I spent a lot of my life afraid to try, and I've returned to that place... But there were several years there when I was strong. There was a time when I aspired to do amazing things, even medical school. I'm smart enough to know that I didn't stand much of a chance with a traditional program, but I was very close to applying to Caribbean schools and DO programs. I think about that now, and it's laugh-out-loud funny. I can't imagine myself in such a role! But maybe with time and effort, I'll regain a little bit of that confidence. Just a bit of it would be wonderful.
I'd love to feel capable of doing something beyond what I'm doing now. It's time to cast off survival mode, and begin to fully experience life again.
The program consists of 5 shakes a day at 150 calories each, for a total of about 800 calories a day. It is mandatory to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, and it is mandatory to attend weekly educational classes. When I attended my first class last Wednesday, I received a thick binder filled with educational materials. I've been reading ahead, and have come across so many articles that are applicable not only to my situation but also would apply to disorders such as E's.
One of the very first articles I read had to do with the importance of drinking water, and includes the following information: "Drinking enough water is the best treatment for fluid retention. When the body gets less water, it perceives this as a threat to survival and begins to hold onto every drop. Water is stored in the extracellular spaces. This shows up as swollen feet, legs, and hands." Gee, I wish I'd had access to this information when E was at Rosewood Ranch in Arizona, fearful that her edematous ankles indicated the beginnings of renal failure! Of course, this material is an oversimplification, but it's useful nonetheless.
There are also articles about personal responsibility ("internal vs. external locus of control") that apply to her situation... But here I go again, focusing my blog and attention on E!
If I want to psychoanalyze myself, it's easy to understand my eagerness to focus on others and reluctance to focus on myself... When I focus on myself, I have to acknowledge all the things that are wrong in my life. Fortunately, it's a relatively short list! In 2010, I hope to deal with a lot of it. At the top of the list: feeling like a failure career-wise. I've become a serious underachiever. Is it low self-esteem? I don't know. All I know is that most UC Berkeley grads do not go out into the world and immediately settle for a super-easy, low-paying job. Even when they suffer setbacks, most people are resilient enough to keep the bar for themselves set high. They don't give up as readily. I am so incredibly failure-averse. I experience a setback and immediately drop the bar down to my ankles to avoid the feeling again. What is up with that??
I must constantly remind myself that I spent a decade in survival mode, dealing with a lot of things that would make anyone feel tired and weak. It's tough losing loved ones, and it was beyond tough having a front row seat to my grandmother's cancer. I was the one who was with her day in, day out... That's a big deal, so I guess I should give myself a little bit of credit. Before the experience, I felt like I could take on the world. I spent a lot of my life afraid to try, and I've returned to that place... But there were several years there when I was strong. There was a time when I aspired to do amazing things, even medical school. I'm smart enough to know that I didn't stand much of a chance with a traditional program, but I was very close to applying to Caribbean schools and DO programs. I think about that now, and it's laugh-out-loud funny. I can't imagine myself in such a role! But maybe with time and effort, I'll regain a little bit of that confidence. Just a bit of it would be wonderful.
I'd love to feel capable of doing something beyond what I'm doing now. It's time to cast off survival mode, and begin to fully experience life again.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
"Me" Update
It's easy to get wrapped up in what's happening with E. Her disorder requires so much energy and focus that everything else takes a back seat to it. It has been that way since I met R. It takes real effort on my part to keep her disorder from putting me into a tailspin, and the same is true for her dad. That's why he hasn't returned her Friday evening and Saturday phone calls yet. Yesterday he sent her an email, telling her that he supports her efforts to get better, but he has to get off the "emotional roller coaster."
It's unhealthy for me to focus so much energy on her problems. For one thing, when I focus so much on her, I seem to experience a bit of a break from reality. I avoid having to deal with my own life, and while there's comfort in that, it's not good for my own mental health. I've been told as much from professionals.
So this posting is all about me. Woo hoo. Where to start? Well, it has been an exhausting week. My mom left on Sunday, after a week or two helping me with weding projects. She stayed with a family friend, so every morning after work I picked her up and brought her over to the house. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it was tiring. Friday morning I got off from work after a long week, and both my mom and sister came over. The house was soon filled with the three of us loudly debating our ideas about the invitations. R had taken the day off from work, and it was too much for him so he went out into the yard and gardened all morning. I was beyond tired. After the last night of a long week of work, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. I was also on my second day of my 800 calorie a day diet, so I was feeling it. But I had to stay up and make decisions. My sister finally had to go home to pick up the kids, so it was just my mom and I. The two of them had vetoed my font (Sloop- subject of a much earlier post here!). They said it was too hard to read and too fancy... So I had to pick a new font on the fly. After much annoyance adjusting the paper margins and trying several different sizes of several different fonts, I went with Zapfino. It's nice... Of course, shortly thereafter I did a web search and came across this website: http://www.ihatezapfino.com/! Too funny!
After so much invitation planning, in the end I went with something very simple. Family members kept telling me to follow the KISS principle... So the invites have no clever pop-up feature, no special hand drawn flourishes... In the end the invitation ended up being a printed piece of cardstock with a piece of Japanese paper (printed with ocean waves) attached on top, and a piece of vellum on top of it all. It's all attached with a piece of ribbon. This isn't a very good description.... Maybe I should post a photo. Anyway, it's very simple but nice. It got stuffed into a vellum envelope, so it's possible to see the Japanese paper on the front (faintly). I didn't hand-address the envelopes (I know, I know-- Martha Stewart would be dismayed... I hear her over my shoulder, "tsk, tsk!") My writing isn't nice, and anyway, it would be tough to write on vellum... So I printed out clear address labels. I didn't follow the latest and greatest addressing rules. For example: an unmarried couple living together-- place each name on a separate line, etc, etc. I didn't do any of that. I hope nobody is offended. Etiquette is a dying art, what can I say. I would have liked for it to all be a certain way, but in the end at least it got finished. I sent them out yesterday after work.... Once again, I was exhausted after a long night of work with too few calories... I took them to the nearest post office, the very charming Assistance League of San Pedro Post Office on 8th @ Weymouth.
I was thinking about how cool it would be to later tell guests that their invitations were mailed from the only 100% volunteer operated post office in the country (read more here). It makes a nice story... The story lost its warm fuzzy quality when I actually arrived at the post office. The woman behind the desk was less than friendly. I asked her if the invitations could be hand-canceled, and she replied curtly, "if we have time!" I guess it wasn't what she said but how she said it... I walked out of their feeling small and powerless. The tears started flowing before I could climb back into the safety of my car. Yeah, not exactly the story I was hoping I could tell, but cest la vie. It's done! Now I just have to make a half-dozen or so more that will be hand delivered to their recipients. So I'm not totally done yet (the fun never ends). Close enough, though!
It's unhealthy for me to focus so much energy on her problems. For one thing, when I focus so much on her, I seem to experience a bit of a break from reality. I avoid having to deal with my own life, and while there's comfort in that, it's not good for my own mental health. I've been told as much from professionals.
So this posting is all about me. Woo hoo. Where to start? Well, it has been an exhausting week. My mom left on Sunday, after a week or two helping me with weding projects. She stayed with a family friend, so every morning after work I picked her up and brought her over to the house. A huge burden was lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time it was tiring. Friday morning I got off from work after a long week, and both my mom and sister came over. The house was soon filled with the three of us loudly debating our ideas about the invitations. R had taken the day off from work, and it was too much for him so he went out into the yard and gardened all morning. I was beyond tired. After the last night of a long week of work, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed. I was also on my second day of my 800 calorie a day diet, so I was feeling it. But I had to stay up and make decisions. My sister finally had to go home to pick up the kids, so it was just my mom and I. The two of them had vetoed my font (Sloop- subject of a much earlier post here!). They said it was too hard to read and too fancy... So I had to pick a new font on the fly. After much annoyance adjusting the paper margins and trying several different sizes of several different fonts, I went with Zapfino. It's nice... Of course, shortly thereafter I did a web search and came across this website: http://www.ihatezapfino.com/! Too funny!
After so much invitation planning, in the end I went with something very simple. Family members kept telling me to follow the KISS principle... So the invites have no clever pop-up feature, no special hand drawn flourishes... In the end the invitation ended up being a printed piece of cardstock with a piece of Japanese paper (printed with ocean waves) attached on top, and a piece of vellum on top of it all. It's all attached with a piece of ribbon. This isn't a very good description.... Maybe I should post a photo. Anyway, it's very simple but nice. It got stuffed into a vellum envelope, so it's possible to see the Japanese paper on the front (faintly). I didn't hand-address the envelopes (I know, I know-- Martha Stewart would be dismayed... I hear her over my shoulder, "tsk, tsk!") My writing isn't nice, and anyway, it would be tough to write on vellum... So I printed out clear address labels. I didn't follow the latest and greatest addressing rules. For example: an unmarried couple living together-- place each name on a separate line, etc, etc. I didn't do any of that. I hope nobody is offended. Etiquette is a dying art, what can I say. I would have liked for it to all be a certain way, but in the end at least it got finished. I sent them out yesterday after work.... Once again, I was exhausted after a long night of work with too few calories... I took them to the nearest post office, the very charming Assistance League of San Pedro Post Office on 8th @ Weymouth.
I was thinking about how cool it would be to later tell guests that their invitations were mailed from the only 100% volunteer operated post office in the country (read more here). It makes a nice story... The story lost its warm fuzzy quality when I actually arrived at the post office. The woman behind the desk was less than friendly. I asked her if the invitations could be hand-canceled, and she replied curtly, "if we have time!" I guess it wasn't what she said but how she said it... I walked out of their feeling small and powerless. The tears started flowing before I could climb back into the safety of my car. Yeah, not exactly the story I was hoping I could tell, but cest la vie. It's done! Now I just have to make a half-dozen or so more that will be hand delivered to their recipients. So I'm not totally done yet (the fun never ends). Close enough, though!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lies and Deception
E's dad found out she was no longer at UCLA last Wednesday because when he returned her phone call, another patient who answered said she wasn't there. R immediately called back and reached the nurses station, where he was told that she had left that morning and that he'd have to contact her mother for more information. When he attempted to call her mom, her phone rang and rang (usually voice mail picks up). He heard nothing from his daughter for the next few days, which is extremely uncharacteristic of their relationship. For the 5 1/2 years that I've known R, he has talked with his daughter at least once a day. Often they speak in the morning and in the evening..
Friday evening, she finally left a voicemail for him at home, which said something along the lines of, "Hey Dad, it's me, call me when you get a chance." Saturday morning, she called again, and left a long but odd message. She basically said, "Hey, Dad, it's me, E, I'm calling you with good news. Because I'm doing so well here at UCLA, they want me to go to Partial. I'm really proud of myself. Mom and I are taking care of it, so don't call me or come visit me today because I'll be leaving. I'll call you when I get situated in the new program." In other words, she left a message indicating that she was still at UCLA (lie #1), that she had been recommended for partial hospitalization (lie #2, I think).
"Partial" is short for Partial Hospitalization-- this is a much lower level of care. When a patient is in a partial program, they have typically met a minimum BMI/ body weight and are in more of a maintenance function for their disorder. They have enough tools to be able to withstand the pressures of being in their normal home evironment during the evening, and spend only the day in treatment.
E is still miles away from her minimum BMI. The last time we saw her, she was perhaps 80 pounds. It is extremely hard to fathom any provider recommending her for a partial program, unless of course the provider had been told by E that it was the only type of treatment she was willing to participate in. Even still, most programs will not accept someone at her weight and level of health. So what is going on?? Once again, we have no idea. It's frustrating. Clearly she is lying (about her timeline for leaving UCLA, if nothing else). I understand that she doesn't want to disappoint her dad. He takes things hard. If I were a 19 year old young woman wrestling with such serious problems, I might be tempted to lie, too. But doesn't she see that she's only further breaking down the fabric of their realtionship? How does one have a healthy relatiohship where there is no trust? I can't imagine a recovery for her until she can be honest-- with herself first, and also with the people she is close to.
Since she seems to have decided that UCLA is not the right treatment right now, I can only hope that she will put the effort in to get the most out of partial hospitalization. She has a contentious relationship with her mom, and decided long ago not to live with R and I, so it seems like being at home during the evenings would not be a good idea. Further, her Anorexia has at various times morphed into a binge-purge disorder (Bulimia). This is not unusual. The starving body so craves food that the Anorexic, despite their amazing willpower, breaks down. When she was younger, she briefly went through a period in which she would eat serveral hundred dollars worth of groceries in one binge, then purge it all. At the time, she was staying with her Aunt and Uncle in Palm Springs... Her Aunt is a former ICU nurse, and had visions of helping her niece recover-- she couldn't handle it. Then Emily went to stay with some very religious relatives in Utah, who also had visions of healing her. They removed her from psychotropic medications, feeling that her problem could best be tackled in the spiritual realm... Their efforts failed, too. Even if one can handle the emotional toll (no small feat), it becomes too expensive. What does one do when a weeks' worth of groceries suddenly disappears? Who can afford that? These relatives were a cousin, his wife, and their small children. They resorted to locking up the food, which only served to enrage E. From there, she entered a top treatment program in Utah, and although she was still a minor at the time, she couldn't be compelled to stay. She either ran away or was thrown out of the program, I don't remember the exact circumstances. That was just one of many failed treatment attemps. It has been a tough, exhausting journey not just for E but also for all in her life who love her.
Friday evening, she finally left a voicemail for him at home, which said something along the lines of, "Hey Dad, it's me, call me when you get a chance." Saturday morning, she called again, and left a long but odd message. She basically said, "Hey, Dad, it's me, E, I'm calling you with good news. Because I'm doing so well here at UCLA, they want me to go to Partial. I'm really proud of myself. Mom and I are taking care of it, so don't call me or come visit me today because I'll be leaving. I'll call you when I get situated in the new program." In other words, she left a message indicating that she was still at UCLA (lie #1), that she had been recommended for partial hospitalization (lie #2, I think).
"Partial" is short for Partial Hospitalization-- this is a much lower level of care. When a patient is in a partial program, they have typically met a minimum BMI/ body weight and are in more of a maintenance function for their disorder. They have enough tools to be able to withstand the pressures of being in their normal home evironment during the evening, and spend only the day in treatment.
E is still miles away from her minimum BMI. The last time we saw her, she was perhaps 80 pounds. It is extremely hard to fathom any provider recommending her for a partial program, unless of course the provider had been told by E that it was the only type of treatment she was willing to participate in. Even still, most programs will not accept someone at her weight and level of health. So what is going on?? Once again, we have no idea. It's frustrating. Clearly she is lying (about her timeline for leaving UCLA, if nothing else). I understand that she doesn't want to disappoint her dad. He takes things hard. If I were a 19 year old young woman wrestling with such serious problems, I might be tempted to lie, too. But doesn't she see that she's only further breaking down the fabric of their realtionship? How does one have a healthy relatiohship where there is no trust? I can't imagine a recovery for her until she can be honest-- with herself first, and also with the people she is close to.
Since she seems to have decided that UCLA is not the right treatment right now, I can only hope that she will put the effort in to get the most out of partial hospitalization. She has a contentious relationship with her mom, and decided long ago not to live with R and I, so it seems like being at home during the evenings would not be a good idea. Further, her Anorexia has at various times morphed into a binge-purge disorder (Bulimia). This is not unusual. The starving body so craves food that the Anorexic, despite their amazing willpower, breaks down. When she was younger, she briefly went through a period in which she would eat serveral hundred dollars worth of groceries in one binge, then purge it all. At the time, she was staying with her Aunt and Uncle in Palm Springs... Her Aunt is a former ICU nurse, and had visions of helping her niece recover-- she couldn't handle it. Then Emily went to stay with some very religious relatives in Utah, who also had visions of healing her. They removed her from psychotropic medications, feeling that her problem could best be tackled in the spiritual realm... Their efforts failed, too. Even if one can handle the emotional toll (no small feat), it becomes too expensive. What does one do when a weeks' worth of groceries suddenly disappears? Who can afford that? These relatives were a cousin, his wife, and their small children. They resorted to locking up the food, which only served to enrage E. From there, she entered a top treatment program in Utah, and although she was still a minor at the time, she couldn't be compelled to stay. She either ran away or was thrown out of the program, I don't remember the exact circumstances. That was just one of many failed treatment attemps. It has been a tough, exhausting journey not just for E but also for all in her life who love her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)