Over the past week I've started a few different posts about the nursing program- my thoughts, my experience with the orientation, etc. Everything I've taken the time to say I've saved as a draft, and I've left in draft form. I don't have any desire to publish my thoughts... perhaps because those thoughts are beyond conflicted. I don't have clarity of purpose at the moment. By all accounts I'm moving forward, and yet each step forward seems to result in a new emotional low. My experience with the nursing program more than a decade ago was so very painful. I'm a different person now, in a totally different place (in every sense of the word), and yet I find myself reliving that loss.
It didn't help that my failure as a nursing student was in some respects the beginning of the darkest chapter of my life. It was one piece of bad news in a string of bad news that just kept coming. Before that failure, my most crushing pain had been the pain of unrequited love and friendship... Which seemed positively laughable a few years later.
Being a nursing student again is like climbing aboard a time machine and traveling back. I'm not sure I can stomach going there, but it seems there's no way forward unless I do.
On top of my reluctance to relive the past there's the matter of having a baby. I feel like there's no way I'll be able to do this thing that I always thought and planned on doing, and suddenly the pain of the realization is overwhelming. Yesterday my sister brought my niece and nephew over for the afternoon, and it was heavenly being in their company. Later, we went to a birthday dinner where there were two more little ones. No, I can't imagine my life without a child or two. As I ponder the next two years, and think about how old I'll be when I'm finished with my studies, I feel broken. If I was to get pregnant tomorrow, I'm already borderline high-risk because of my age- I'm already on the older side of the parenthood equation. And my husband is 15 years my senior. The thought of adding two more years just overwhelms me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Anticipation
In 10 minutes I leave for work, but I'm not thinking about the 8 hours in my immediate future. No, I'm thinking ahead to the Nursing Program orientation afterward. It too is 8 hours... An 8 hour glimpse into the next 2 years of my life... What will it bring? New friends? New insights? Knowledge and skill? I hope so.
I feel I've been out of touch with my own life for a while now. Guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I love my life, but it's been somewhat dream-like the past few years (and somewhat nightmarish for several years before that). It hasn't been entirely real, and it hasn't been entirely mine.
At some point I got off track in my life, and things just began happening. I became more of an observer and less an active participant. I suppose that's my natural inclination unless I work hard to counter it-- I have a tendency to watch from the sidelines.
I want control back.
I hope the orientation tomorrow is a good day. I hope I leave the campus having made connections with my classmates-to-be and with a sense of excitement for this new undertaking. Classes officially begin in just over two months. I don't feel completely ready, but I plan to be! Wish me luck.
I feel I've been out of touch with my own life for a while now. Guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I love my life, but it's been somewhat dream-like the past few years (and somewhat nightmarish for several years before that). It hasn't been entirely real, and it hasn't been entirely mine.
At some point I got off track in my life, and things just began happening. I became more of an observer and less an active participant. I suppose that's my natural inclination unless I work hard to counter it-- I have a tendency to watch from the sidelines.
I want control back.
I hope the orientation tomorrow is a good day. I hope I leave the campus having made connections with my classmates-to-be and with a sense of excitement for this new undertaking. Classes officially begin in just over two months. I don't feel completely ready, but I plan to be! Wish me luck.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
End/Begin
My EMT class is finally over. I'm so glad... I haven't had any free time lately to take care of other things. Case in point: It's nearly 3 months into my marriage and I haven't changed my name yet. Funny, though I grew up with an unusual (read easily made-fun-of) last name, changing it just hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I want to, and I plan to, and now I should have the time to, but in the end I think I'll miss my old name. Go figure.
On Thursday there's an orientation for the nursing program. It will be a full day of activities, from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. I'll be taking a critical thinking test, ordering uniforms, and finding out about registering for classes, etc. Woo hoo! At that time I should find out what my schedule is going to be like for the fall. Then I'll be tasked with changing my work schedule to accommodate school... Not looking forward to that. The manager of the department where I work had her last day about a week ago, and for now the ICU manager has taken the helm... I've never met her, but from what I've heard she's a humorless woman. Who knows if she'll be interested in assisting me on my journey to a brighter future.
So many uncertainties... Guess I'll have to take things one day at a time!
On Thursday there's an orientation for the nursing program. It will be a full day of activities, from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. I'll be taking a critical thinking test, ordering uniforms, and finding out about registering for classes, etc. Woo hoo! At that time I should find out what my schedule is going to be like for the fall. Then I'll be tasked with changing my work schedule to accommodate school... Not looking forward to that. The manager of the department where I work had her last day about a week ago, and for now the ICU manager has taken the helm... I've never met her, but from what I've heard she's a humorless woman. Who knows if she'll be interested in assisting me on my journey to a brighter future.
So many uncertainties... Guess I'll have to take things one day at a time!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Overdone
I did something I am loathe to do last night... I called in sick to work. When I got home from class yesterday afternoon, I couldn't sleep. So I got up and started to make dinner. Before I knew it, it was 6 pm. The thought of getting only a few hours of sleep then starting it all over again was overwhelming. I felt so drained given the fact that E is in the hospital again. When her dad got home, he told me that his ex wife phoned him and asked him not to visit E.
One of the last times E was in the hospital, he said something to his daughter about how it's tough when she's there, because it's his workplace, and people inevitably talk (despite HIPPA laws, word gets out). E misinterpreted what he said to mean that he's "embarrassed by her"- so she doesn't want him to visit. That's not it at all- it isn't about embarrassment or shame. Its just that it's uncomfortable having her there. I feel the same way. One of the joys of work is being able to set aside personal matters for 8, 10, or 12 hours. When the lines between work and personal life become blurred, it's hard to function in a productive role. I know that people talk-- I've heard them. I waited a long time before telling anyone that R was my fiancee, so when I first started in my current position, and E came in as a patient on my unit, I heard what people said about her. People have theories about why kids turn to destructive behaviors like Anorexia. Even nurses, who should know that behaviors like eating disorders are incredibly complex, rush to judgment. I remember one nurse telling the others at the nurses station, "You know that she's doing it for the attention."
When a child is sick with a disorder that has a mental health component (and eating disorders most definitely do), people have opinions. They judge the parenting of that child, they judge the decisions that are made on the child's behalf. They theorize and assign blame.
R is in a position of authority in the medical center. He doesn't work in obscurity; people know who he is. He sometimes has unpopular things to say, and people invariably have opinions about him. That's fine. But it isn't fair for the struggles of his daughter to become fodder for the gossip mill.
I feel exhausted right now. I am so glad that I got a good night's sleep. Pretty soon I have to leave for my EMT class make-up lecture... I'm not really in the mood, so hopefully the time will go by quickly! Hopefully I'll get some rest this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to work tonight.
One of the last times E was in the hospital, he said something to his daughter about how it's tough when she's there, because it's his workplace, and people inevitably talk (despite HIPPA laws, word gets out). E misinterpreted what he said to mean that he's "embarrassed by her"- so she doesn't want him to visit. That's not it at all- it isn't about embarrassment or shame. Its just that it's uncomfortable having her there. I feel the same way. One of the joys of work is being able to set aside personal matters for 8, 10, or 12 hours. When the lines between work and personal life become blurred, it's hard to function in a productive role. I know that people talk-- I've heard them. I waited a long time before telling anyone that R was my fiancee, so when I first started in my current position, and E came in as a patient on my unit, I heard what people said about her. People have theories about why kids turn to destructive behaviors like Anorexia. Even nurses, who should know that behaviors like eating disorders are incredibly complex, rush to judgment. I remember one nurse telling the others at the nurses station, "You know that she's doing it for the attention."
When a child is sick with a disorder that has a mental health component (and eating disorders most definitely do), people have opinions. They judge the parenting of that child, they judge the decisions that are made on the child's behalf. They theorize and assign blame.
R is in a position of authority in the medical center. He doesn't work in obscurity; people know who he is. He sometimes has unpopular things to say, and people invariably have opinions about him. That's fine. But it isn't fair for the struggles of his daughter to become fodder for the gossip mill.
I feel exhausted right now. I am so glad that I got a good night's sleep. Pretty soon I have to leave for my EMT class make-up lecture... I'm not really in the mood, so hopefully the time will go by quickly! Hopefully I'll get some rest this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to work tonight.
Monday, June 7, 2010
ICU Child
My stepdaughter is the ICU. I don't know all the details... Though I have access to computerized medical records at work, perusing them without cause constitutes a HIPPA violation. So she's there, in a unit nearby to the one I'm stationed on, and I know nothing.
I visited her this morning for 15 minutes before I left for class, and she seemed so young and so frail. She was curled up beneath a bright blanket from home, IV's in each arm. When she lifted her head from the coccoon she was wrapped up in, I saw a tangle of matted blonde hair and smudged eye makeup. I looked up at the monitor above her, and her BP was approximately 90 over 50... After a few minutes of talking, she sat up and seemed to be herself- a daughter whose personality reminds me so much of the man I married. They are alike in so many ways, it's impossible not to love her. It's also impossible not to feel overcome by the tragedy of her situation. Her disease is so insidious and so toxic to life, and it seems like nothing can be done.
One of the last remaining options that hasn't been explored yet is for her parents (one or both of them) to obtain conservatorship status so that they can make medical decisions for her. At age 19, she is technically an adult and can do what she wishes, but one could argue that she's gravely disabled and in need of a conservator. Would this be a good thing? Who knows. It's never good to take someone's rights away from them. But she's on a collision course with death right now- it's pretty apparent. A child who feels betrayed by her parents is certainly a better option than a child in the ICU... Or a dead child.
I visited her this morning for 15 minutes before I left for class, and she seemed so young and so frail. She was curled up beneath a bright blanket from home, IV's in each arm. When she lifted her head from the coccoon she was wrapped up in, I saw a tangle of matted blonde hair and smudged eye makeup. I looked up at the monitor above her, and her BP was approximately 90 over 50... After a few minutes of talking, she sat up and seemed to be herself- a daughter whose personality reminds me so much of the man I married. They are alike in so many ways, it's impossible not to love her. It's also impossible not to feel overcome by the tragedy of her situation. Her disease is so insidious and so toxic to life, and it seems like nothing can be done.
One of the last remaining options that hasn't been explored yet is for her parents (one or both of them) to obtain conservatorship status so that they can make medical decisions for her. At age 19, she is technically an adult and can do what she wishes, but one could argue that she's gravely disabled and in need of a conservator. Would this be a good thing? Who knows. It's never good to take someone's rights away from them. But she's on a collision course with death right now- it's pretty apparent. A child who feels betrayed by her parents is certainly a better option than a child in the ICU... Or a dead child.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Fatigue
It's a good thing that my EMT class is almost over. I have a hellish week ahead of me: work tonight followed by class tomorrow, a few hours of sleep tomorrow night then back to work, then back to class for a makeup session right in the middle of the day (prime sleeping time), home for (hopefully!) a few good hours of sleep, back to work, back to class on Wednesday, home for a few hours of sleep, then back to work, and finally on Thursday I'll be able to sleep all day. I had this weekend off, and I did a lot of sleeping, but I don't feel all that rested. I'll probably get all of 12 hours of sleep over the next three days... Not enough.
On the one hand, I suppose it's good training for the fall. I'm still totally excited about starting the nursing program, but the reality of it has been sinking in, too. I have to work-- there's no way around that. The union at work sponsors employees who go to school... The arrangement is that you work 30 hours but still get paid for 40. Nice, except for two things: #1, I don't know if this is automatic, or if it's something I'll have to apply for- do they sponsor an unlimited number of interested employees, or will I have to compete with others? #2, Assuming I'm approved, that still means 30 hours of work per week with school. It's going to be tough.
The EMT class has been fun but it hasn't been easy... I like sleep. I miss it when I don't get enough. Fortunately, the class is almost over. I have one more week of new material, then a final week of reviews and tests. I'm supposed to have a ride-along completed by next Wednesday, but when am I supposed to get it done? I just don't have that large a chunk of time available. So it's going to have to get done late... The instructor will be irritated, I'm sure, but I can't make it happen on time unless I take a night off from work. Although I am late on occasion, I've never missed a shift... I don't ever call off sick. I just don't. And I don't want to start now, either.
I feel drained. I have a hard time feeling excited about the EMT class now that I've been accepted into the nursing program. My plan was to get a job in the ED, but now it makes more sense to stay in my current position. It's much more student-friendly, with plenty of opportunities to study. The evening shift is presently vacant, and I was thinking about trying to move into it (not as easy as one would think since our manager will be taking a new job in a week-- I don't know who will be handling our department when that happens). But the thing is, as much as I long to get off the night shift, it probably is wise to stay on it. Evening shift is a lot more busy. There are more people in the hospital (from lost family members to administrators), and the patients are off and on the monitors with more frequency (either going for procedures or because they're being discharged). It's just a lot more chaotic with far fewer opportunities to crack the books. As much as I don't want to, I need to sit tight. I have a good thing going if I can just stick it out for two more years.
Two more years... What does it all mean? I think it means getting pregnant is a bad idea- pregnancy and school or pregnancy and work are a full enough plate... Pregnancy with school and work?? That just wouldn't be wise. It's frustrating but I know I've got to do what I've got to do. Right now, I need to work on securing my future. Things are too tenuous. We have a home we love, but the mortgage is pretty hefty. R already makes a good salary, so the only room for improvement is with me.
Twenty minutes until I have to leave the house... Should I shower? Or blog until the bitter end? I guess I'd better wrap this up and get ready to go. I dread going in tonight, because R told me this morning that E is in the hospital. His ex wife called him on Saturday afternoon and told him the news. She has a low BP... That isn't good. She will be monitored, so that means there's a 50-50 chance that she'll be on my unit when I get to work. Well, assuming she's still there, and I'm sure she is (unless she signed out AMA). It's very sad and tough when she's in the hospital. A few times now, she's been on my unit and has been one of my tele patients. It's hard to focus when her heart rhythm runs across the screen in front of my eyes. It's hard to focus on any of the other rhythms... It becomes all consuming. Hopefully she's on the other tele unit. Hopefully she's doing ok.
On the one hand, I suppose it's good training for the fall. I'm still totally excited about starting the nursing program, but the reality of it has been sinking in, too. I have to work-- there's no way around that. The union at work sponsors employees who go to school... The arrangement is that you work 30 hours but still get paid for 40. Nice, except for two things: #1, I don't know if this is automatic, or if it's something I'll have to apply for- do they sponsor an unlimited number of interested employees, or will I have to compete with others? #2, Assuming I'm approved, that still means 30 hours of work per week with school. It's going to be tough.
The EMT class has been fun but it hasn't been easy... I like sleep. I miss it when I don't get enough. Fortunately, the class is almost over. I have one more week of new material, then a final week of reviews and tests. I'm supposed to have a ride-along completed by next Wednesday, but when am I supposed to get it done? I just don't have that large a chunk of time available. So it's going to have to get done late... The instructor will be irritated, I'm sure, but I can't make it happen on time unless I take a night off from work. Although I am late on occasion, I've never missed a shift... I don't ever call off sick. I just don't. And I don't want to start now, either.
I feel drained. I have a hard time feeling excited about the EMT class now that I've been accepted into the nursing program. My plan was to get a job in the ED, but now it makes more sense to stay in my current position. It's much more student-friendly, with plenty of opportunities to study. The evening shift is presently vacant, and I was thinking about trying to move into it (not as easy as one would think since our manager will be taking a new job in a week-- I don't know who will be handling our department when that happens). But the thing is, as much as I long to get off the night shift, it probably is wise to stay on it. Evening shift is a lot more busy. There are more people in the hospital (from lost family members to administrators), and the patients are off and on the monitors with more frequency (either going for procedures or because they're being discharged). It's just a lot more chaotic with far fewer opportunities to crack the books. As much as I don't want to, I need to sit tight. I have a good thing going if I can just stick it out for two more years.
Two more years... What does it all mean? I think it means getting pregnant is a bad idea- pregnancy and school or pregnancy and work are a full enough plate... Pregnancy with school and work?? That just wouldn't be wise. It's frustrating but I know I've got to do what I've got to do. Right now, I need to work on securing my future. Things are too tenuous. We have a home we love, but the mortgage is pretty hefty. R already makes a good salary, so the only room for improvement is with me.
Twenty minutes until I have to leave the house... Should I shower? Or blog until the bitter end? I guess I'd better wrap this up and get ready to go. I dread going in tonight, because R told me this morning that E is in the hospital. His ex wife called him on Saturday afternoon and told him the news. She has a low BP... That isn't good. She will be monitored, so that means there's a 50-50 chance that she'll be on my unit when I get to work. Well, assuming she's still there, and I'm sure she is (unless she signed out AMA). It's very sad and tough when she's in the hospital. A few times now, she's been on my unit and has been one of my tele patients. It's hard to focus when her heart rhythm runs across the screen in front of my eyes. It's hard to focus on any of the other rhythms... It becomes all consuming. Hopefully she's on the other tele unit. Hopefully she's doing ok.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Future Nurse
I'm at work right now, on my "lunch" (yep, lunch at 4 in the morning!). A while ago, I checked my email, and there it was: My acceptance to the nursing program! The letter began with congratulations-- there were over 400 applications for the 48 positions. Understandably, I'm in a state of gratitude and joy as I write this!
I am so ready to "do something with my life". It has been tough being in a holding pattern for such a long time. Moving into our new home two years ago and then getting married this year have been a huge help- I've been distracted from my feelings of failure. Actually, I've been immensely happy this year. Having the house, having a stable job, and being married have been such a tremendous blessing. The lows in my life over the past decade have been so low, and now things are altogether good. I have to pinch myself sometimes. Before I left for work last night I got a scare- I had gone to bed around 7 pm after the news, and woke up to my alarm at 10:30, and I couldn't find my husband. He wasn't in bed or napping on the couch (despite having to be at work early in the morning). I knew something wasn't right, because the window shades throughout the house were open. He is a creature of habit, and always closes everything up when it gets dark outside. But the dogs weren't acting funny, so that was a good sign. He had fallen asleep in the office (probably checking hockey scores on the computer!). What a relief! Still, I had several minutes of panic. The problem with life being really good is the fear that things will change. I don't feel prepared for that.
Well, having a secure future as a nurse will help to alleviate my worries. I will be capable of self sufficiency, and I'll be in a career where it's impossible to lose sight of one's blessings. That's a good thing. I just have to find the right specialty for my personality and needs. Looks like I've got two years to figure it out!
I am so ready to "do something with my life". It has been tough being in a holding pattern for such a long time. Moving into our new home two years ago and then getting married this year have been a huge help- I've been distracted from my feelings of failure. Actually, I've been immensely happy this year. Having the house, having a stable job, and being married have been such a tremendous blessing. The lows in my life over the past decade have been so low, and now things are altogether good. I have to pinch myself sometimes. Before I left for work last night I got a scare- I had gone to bed around 7 pm after the news, and woke up to my alarm at 10:30, and I couldn't find my husband. He wasn't in bed or napping on the couch (despite having to be at work early in the morning). I knew something wasn't right, because the window shades throughout the house were open. He is a creature of habit, and always closes everything up when it gets dark outside. But the dogs weren't acting funny, so that was a good sign. He had fallen asleep in the office (probably checking hockey scores on the computer!). What a relief! Still, I had several minutes of panic. The problem with life being really good is the fear that things will change. I don't feel prepared for that.
Well, having a secure future as a nurse will help to alleviate my worries. I will be capable of self sufficiency, and I'll be in a career where it's impossible to lose sight of one's blessings. That's a good thing. I just have to find the right specialty for my personality and needs. Looks like I've got two years to figure it out!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
5 Minutes of Fame
R and I were pleased to find a picture of ourselves in our city's local magazine- our wedding photographer photographs extensively for the magazine, and also advertises there. So his latest ad features a picture of us flying a kite on our wedding day. It's very cute!
What makes me happy is how happy the picture makes my husband. He was positively gleeful when he showed me the ad-- beaming with pride. A co-worker left a copy of the magazine at the nurses station where I work a few days ago, so I showed it to a few people. One of them, a woman who has worked here for a long time and is familiar with my husband, exclaimed, "Wow, I've never seen him smile like that before!" She paused, then added, "You did that." It's true, and it's heady stuff, knowing that I'm a source of tremendous joy in his life. He is so happy and so proud to be my husband-- he takes the time to say so. He wears his wedding band with pride. After dating my fair share of people and suffering my fair share of heartbreak, my good fortune in meeting him is almost unbelievable. He cherishes me, and I cherish him. We love one another to the same extent... Good stuff! It just doesn't happen all that often!
We've had fun laughing and joking about how we should "autograph" our ad... It's cool to think that it was chosen, but most of all it's cool to think that the camera captured a vivid moment of us in celebration- it wasn't staged, it just happened. That's one thing that I'm really glad about as far as our wedding was concerned... We didn't do a lot of posing for our wedding pictures. We took the traditional family group shots, of couse, but otherwise our photographer just captured us in our "natural state". When I look at the pictures I'm transported back to our happy day.
What makes me happy is how happy the picture makes my husband. He was positively gleeful when he showed me the ad-- beaming with pride. A co-worker left a copy of the magazine at the nurses station where I work a few days ago, so I showed it to a few people. One of them, a woman who has worked here for a long time and is familiar with my husband, exclaimed, "Wow, I've never seen him smile like that before!" She paused, then added, "You did that." It's true, and it's heady stuff, knowing that I'm a source of tremendous joy in his life. He is so happy and so proud to be my husband-- he takes the time to say so. He wears his wedding band with pride. After dating my fair share of people and suffering my fair share of heartbreak, my good fortune in meeting him is almost unbelievable. He cherishes me, and I cherish him. We love one another to the same extent... Good stuff! It just doesn't happen all that often!
We've had fun laughing and joking about how we should "autograph" our ad... It's cool to think that it was chosen, but most of all it's cool to think that the camera captured a vivid moment of us in celebration- it wasn't staged, it just happened. That's one thing that I'm really glad about as far as our wedding was concerned... We didn't do a lot of posing for our wedding pictures. We took the traditional family group shots, of couse, but otherwise our photographer just captured us in our "natural state". When I look at the pictures I'm transported back to our happy day.
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