On one of my last nights on the night shift at work a few weeks ago, a coworker (who has the somewhat deserved reputation of being crazy) and I said a prayer for E, my stepdaughter. She had been in the ICU days before.
Perhaps it was the prayer, perhaps it was the natural progression of a life teetering on the edge, but she is back in the hospital, and this time because she voluntarily requested a feeding tube. She wants to be well enough to go to an eating disorder treatment facility that she hasn't been to yet, which sounds promising. She needs to be "medically stable" to attend, which means gaining at least 8 lbs... No easy feat, tube or not, when her mind is torturing her. I wish her well.
We spoke on the phone earlier, and at one point she said, "I hope that if you have a child, that my dad is more emotionally invested in that child, because from a kids' perspective I can tell you that it really hurts that he isn't emotionally involved in my life". Ouch. Have I ever mentioned how glad I am that I'm not a man? Very glad, very very glad. Hy husband tries to be involved, but as I type this, my stepchild is in a room on the telemetry unit that I work on, at the hospital where my husband has worked for the last 15 years, with both a sitter and a security officer posted outside her door. I might also add that my husband oversees the security department, and his ex wife has been complaining to the administration department and his coworkers about the treatment of E... Any sense of privacy was out the window a long time ago.
E doesn't realize that it's hard to go to work in a place where there is no protection of privacy. Friend and foe alike are "up in our business", and it's a heavy burden, even for me. Fielding questions from those who feign concern only to broadcast family matters in their gossip circles is no fun at all. Nor does she understand that her dad, while his heart is absolutely breaking on a daily basis because of her disorder, can't be so emotionally involved that he loses all sense of joy and function in life, which is what her mom has done. It's a difficult, no-win situation...
I meanwhile, need to be successful in school... But it's hard to focus when the drama of her situation takes front and center stage. Some detachment is necessary for survival, as sad as that is.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
State of Mind
Somehow I finished the first semester of the nursing program, working full time. The sad thing is, that although I made it, I am so exhausted from my battles at work that I don't have peace. My employer made things so very difficult for me that it has really left a bad taste in my mouth. Couple that with the way that I observe nurses being treated, and I'm just not sure why I'm doing this.
So I passed the first semester, and am now a few weeks into the second... I aced my first test, but it's hardly comforting. As I sit here typing, I should be on my way to the hospital to select my two patients for tomorrow. I'm just not motivated.
I suppose it would have helped if I had enjoyed my 6 weeks off over winter break, but too many trips to HR at work, and too many uncertainties until the eleventh hour made it tough. Christmas was a bummer, I was so stressed out about everything. My husband and I bought a tree but never got around to decorating it. We didn't even see my stepdaughter until sometime in late January. Her health has been so bad that it's a wonder she is still alive. Her gifts sat in a pile on the floor for weeks, and our phone calls to her went unanswered.
I'm now 35 1/2, less than a month from my first wedding anniversary, and there are no plans for a baby. My husband tells me, "Get through school first". I try to explain to him that time is a luxury that we don't have, but he doesn't get it (doesn't want to get it, I guess). At 50, you would think he'd be a little bit more concerned.
I know that this is all doom and gloom... Fortunately, there have been bright spots over the last few months. My first semester instructor set up a learning experience for me during our last few weeks of class- I got to go into the OR and observe three surgeries. Wow, I think that was the highlight of my year. It was truly amazing. And the anesthesiologist was amazing... He really took me under his wing and made it an incredible learning experience. Funny, I never told my instructor that I've been considering becoming a Nurse Anesthetist, but the experience seemed hand picked for it.
On another positive note, I was accepted into the union-sponsored loan stipend program at work for the duration of the ADN program that I'm enrolled in. This program enables employees to reduce their hours and get paid a stipend equivalent to 8 hours per week. I've reduced from 40 to 20, but will be paid an additional 8 per week... Not bad. There is no limit on the number of times one can take advantage of this benefit, so it's possible that I could utilize it for a BSN and MSN as well. We'll see...
So I passed the first semester, and am now a few weeks into the second... I aced my first test, but it's hardly comforting. As I sit here typing, I should be on my way to the hospital to select my two patients for tomorrow. I'm just not motivated.
I suppose it would have helped if I had enjoyed my 6 weeks off over winter break, but too many trips to HR at work, and too many uncertainties until the eleventh hour made it tough. Christmas was a bummer, I was so stressed out about everything. My husband and I bought a tree but never got around to decorating it. We didn't even see my stepdaughter until sometime in late January. Her health has been so bad that it's a wonder she is still alive. Her gifts sat in a pile on the floor for weeks, and our phone calls to her went unanswered.
I'm now 35 1/2, less than a month from my first wedding anniversary, and there are no plans for a baby. My husband tells me, "Get through school first". I try to explain to him that time is a luxury that we don't have, but he doesn't get it (doesn't want to get it, I guess). At 50, you would think he'd be a little bit more concerned.
I know that this is all doom and gloom... Fortunately, there have been bright spots over the last few months. My first semester instructor set up a learning experience for me during our last few weeks of class- I got to go into the OR and observe three surgeries. Wow, I think that was the highlight of my year. It was truly amazing. And the anesthesiologist was amazing... He really took me under his wing and made it an incredible learning experience. Funny, I never told my instructor that I've been considering becoming a Nurse Anesthetist, but the experience seemed hand picked for it.
On another positive note, I was accepted into the union-sponsored loan stipend program at work for the duration of the ADN program that I'm enrolled in. This program enables employees to reduce their hours and get paid a stipend equivalent to 8 hours per week. I've reduced from 40 to 20, but will be paid an additional 8 per week... Not bad. There is no limit on the number of times one can take advantage of this benefit, so it's possible that I could utilize it for a BSN and MSN as well. We'll see...
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