Finished

Isn't it funny how you don't necessarily realize how tired you have been in the midst of something until after the fact.  This is true with physical activities (running, hiking, etc.)-- you just keep going, sometimes out of the sheer wonder of what's ahead, sometimes to reach a personal goal.  You race or perhaps plod along, and yes, it's painful along the way, but then in the end, when you finally stop for a sip of water or to check out that view...  You wonder, "Damn, how did I just do that?  My legs are about to give out, and a rest is nice, but how will I get moving again?"  And when you're finally home, you collapse.

At this precise moment, this is how I feel.  The semester is over.  I don't know how to process it.  Was it a good experience?  I think so, but I'm not sure.  I feel disoriented.  I'm relieved that it's over, but there is a sense of let down as well.  Above all, I am exhausted.  How did I just do that?  I don't know.  Will I be able to catch my breath over the next few months?

I have poured myself a high calorie alcoholic beverage, and it doesn't taste good, but there it sits, a few inches from me, as I try to process this ending.  Maybe I poured it for myself because I feel like I ought to be in a celebratory mood, and this is how we celebrate in our culture.  It doesn't seem to be working.

After the final test today, we oriented to the 3rd semester.  There are three rotations: Peds, OB, and Geriatrics.  I will be starting with OB.  On the one hand, I'm excited- finally, something different from what I see everyday at work.  Something that will challenge me, something that it usually joyous for the people involved.  What could be better, really?!  On the other hand, I hope it doesn't make me sad.  I hope it doesn't make me feel inadequate, because it's something that I want but don't have.  Hopefully it will motivate me to get through this program so that I can.