Every week in the nursing program we do a new "clinical prep"- this involves going to the hospital the day before we will provide care in order to pick a patient and do preparatory work (looking over the orders in the chart as well as researching prescribed medications and reviewing disease pathologies). It's a time consuming process and perhaps the hardest part of my week.
Last week, I picked a patient who had not yet been brought to the unit from the emergency department, so I couldn't peruse the chart noncommittally as I usually do. The assigned nurse was taking report over the phone. I was drawn to this particular patient because the one piece of information that I had- that he had a tracheostomy and was on a vent- sounded like it would make for a good learning experience. So I went into the nurse's lounge to wait out the 20 minutes or so that it would take the RN and ward clerk to gather enough information to put together a rudimentary chart.
After 20 minutes had elapsed, I went back out to the nurse's station, and I could see that it was slow going. The nurse was on the phone with the physician regarding the patient's medications. I toyed with the idea of picking a different patient, but I felt committed, so I retreated to the lounge to wait a while longer.
Finally I was able to get my hands on the chart and began the process of sifting through it for the information that I needed. As I skimmed through a rather lengthy medication list, hastily scrawling as I went, it became ever more clear that it was going to be a long night. Prepping meds can be tedious work, but I was comforted somewhat by the fact that most of the meds would be given by G tube, a skill I enjoy practicing. So I plodded along, until I came across something that stopped me dead in my tracks: Rilutek. This unusual medication has one purpose: delaying the progress of the degenerative motor neuron disease ALS. I know this because ALS took the life of my dad 8 years ago- it is an unkind disease that shows little mercy to its victims. "What are the chances?", I asked myself, as well as, "Can I handle this? Should I pick someone else to care for?"
I can happily report that I did not pick a new patient. The next two days were hard, but I kept myself together and provided the best care that I was able to provide to this man. I did not shed a single tear or feel overwhelmed while in the hospital. I was not preoccupied with memories of my father, nor was I overly detached emotionally. I feel that I handled myself well. Of course, once I was in my car and on the way home at the end of my second and final clinical day with him, I did shed some tears as I remembered my dad. I thought about the cruel course of his illness and the deep, life altering pain that engulfed my entire family for many years.
I am now two weeks from finishing the first semester of the nursing program. It has been difficult. I'm still attempting to work full time, averaging 28 hours per week. I'm still getting little support from my employer regarding my schedule (an ongoing source of frustration and something I don't wish to recount here). The important thing, though, is that I'm surviving. It is tough and it is certainly taking a toll on my health and well being, but I have done it. I guess I shouldn't count my chickens yet, but I'm feeling very proud of myself. Although it's bittersweet in light of the emotional ups and downs that I am put through, it's a victory.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Introducing... The Nursing Student
Blogging has taken a back seat to school lately. In fact, the only reason why I have *time* to blog right now is because I'm waiting for my dinner to cook! Usually, I'd be eating with my hubby, but he's out of town for a conference. I hope he's having a good time!
I'm tentatively planning to go in to work tonight, so I've got to get some sleep, but first I need to eat some real food. Tomorrow is my crazy day- I'll leave work early, then spend 12 straight hours on campus (the first 8 in skills lab, followed by a 4 hour class). Can I do it?? Yes, at this point I can!
My employer has been absolutely terrible these past few weeks. To call it a nightmare is to be too kind. But I have a plan, so I'm not going to worry about it. I will get through this program, and I will continue to pay my share of the mortgage. It's going to work out.
I had an exam today, and pulled off my second solid 'B' in the class. Not my best work, but good enough, especially as many of my fellow students struggle to pass. It's ok!
My Oregon trip before beginning the semester was fantastic. Between seeing Garrison Keillor perform live, river rafting, walking the quaint towns of Jacksonville and Ashland, working on my Airstream, eating amazing meals, and spending time with my girls (my mom and sis), it could not have been better!
I feel great about my life right now. It isn't perfect, but things are working, and I'm advancing! I am filled with peace and contentment, despite irritations such as the situation at work. I feel unshakable. I sure hope this feeling lasts!
I'm tentatively planning to go in to work tonight, so I've got to get some sleep, but first I need to eat some real food. Tomorrow is my crazy day- I'll leave work early, then spend 12 straight hours on campus (the first 8 in skills lab, followed by a 4 hour class). Can I do it?? Yes, at this point I can!
My employer has been absolutely terrible these past few weeks. To call it a nightmare is to be too kind. But I have a plan, so I'm not going to worry about it. I will get through this program, and I will continue to pay my share of the mortgage. It's going to work out.
I had an exam today, and pulled off my second solid 'B' in the class. Not my best work, but good enough, especially as many of my fellow students struggle to pass. It's ok!
My Oregon trip before beginning the semester was fantastic. Between seeing Garrison Keillor perform live, river rafting, walking the quaint towns of Jacksonville and Ashland, working on my Airstream, eating amazing meals, and spending time with my girls (my mom and sis), it could not have been better!
I feel great about my life right now. It isn't perfect, but things are working, and I'm advancing! I am filled with peace and contentment, despite irritations such as the situation at work. I feel unshakable. I sure hope this feeling lasts!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Miscellaneous Stuff
Miscellaneous Item #1: The Micro Exam. Somehow, I earned another 'A'. Yay for that, because I didn't feel like I had mastered the material ahead of time. Once again, I felt really good about the basics but not the details. My studying was apparently successful, however, so I'm moving on to focusing entirely on my nursing texts these last few weeks before the semester starts.
Item #2: Diet. I have a lot of product left over from when I attempted Optifast before my wedding, and it's expensive... Not one to like to see things go to waste, I've decided to use it up and see if I can lose some weight in the process. Since I had a "last hurrah" with the pastries from King's Hawaiian last week, I feel ready. It's now day 5 on approximately 800 calories per day, and so far so good. I suppose I shouldn't be doing it on my own (it's supposed to be medically supervised), but there weren't any issues last time around. Also, I'm modifying the diet by adding/substituting vegetables... and I know that I need to be aware of and heed any warning signs that my electrolytes are out of balance. Hey, I work on a tele floor... I know exactly how different electrolyte imbalances affect the heart. It's my area of expertise! So I'm not too worried about that.
Item #3: California City. Yesterday, the LA Times featured a story on a planned development in Kern County that never materialized. It's way out beyond Palmdale/Lancaster, in the brutally hot and unforgiving desert. The developer was sure it would be the next big thing, so there are acres of roads and utilities but no homes. An architect quoted in the article called it a great folly, and I suppose it is... But as I read the article, I immediately thought of my Airstream. Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?! Inexpensive land (with utilities, no less) where I can park the Airstream? Lots can be had for as little as $2500. Perhaps it's crazy, but I'm intrigued. It's about a 2 1/2 hour drive from my home, but that sure beats the 13 hour drive to Oregon. And while I don't exactly love the heat and barrenness of the desert, there is something compelling about it. If nothing else, it's a great place for stargazing. I can imagine placing one of those easily fabricated metal garages on a lot with city utilities. The Airstream would be secure from theft and vandalism, and my husband and I could camp there and work on restoration on occasion. It's not something I can realistically do right now, but I like the idea. The longer the Airstream sits in rainy Oregon, the more abuse it will suffer. A sad fate for an American icon. I wonder how much property taxes are in California City? It can't be much.
Item #2: Diet. I have a lot of product left over from when I attempted Optifast before my wedding, and it's expensive... Not one to like to see things go to waste, I've decided to use it up and see if I can lose some weight in the process. Since I had a "last hurrah" with the pastries from King's Hawaiian last week, I feel ready. It's now day 5 on approximately 800 calories per day, and so far so good. I suppose I shouldn't be doing it on my own (it's supposed to be medically supervised), but there weren't any issues last time around. Also, I'm modifying the diet by adding/substituting vegetables... and I know that I need to be aware of and heed any warning signs that my electrolytes are out of balance. Hey, I work on a tele floor... I know exactly how different electrolyte imbalances affect the heart. It's my area of expertise! So I'm not too worried about that.
Item #3: California City. Yesterday, the LA Times featured a story on a planned development in Kern County that never materialized. It's way out beyond Palmdale/Lancaster, in the brutally hot and unforgiving desert. The developer was sure it would be the next big thing, so there are acres of roads and utilities but no homes. An architect quoted in the article called it a great folly, and I suppose it is... But as I read the article, I immediately thought of my Airstream. Isn't this exactly what I've been talking about?! Inexpensive land (with utilities, no less) where I can park the Airstream? Lots can be had for as little as $2500. Perhaps it's crazy, but I'm intrigued. It's about a 2 1/2 hour drive from my home, but that sure beats the 13 hour drive to Oregon. And while I don't exactly love the heat and barrenness of the desert, there is something compelling about it. If nothing else, it's a great place for stargazing. I can imagine placing one of those easily fabricated metal garages on a lot with city utilities. The Airstream would be secure from theft and vandalism, and my husband and I could camp there and work on restoration on occasion. It's not something I can realistically do right now, but I like the idea. The longer the Airstream sits in rainy Oregon, the more abuse it will suffer. A sad fate for an American icon. I wonder how much property taxes are in California City? It can't be much.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Still Waiting
I haven't heard if I've been approved for the union-sponsored loan stipend program yet. This program reduces an employees' hours from 40 to 32, while maintaining their full-time status and pay. What a gift that would be!
As of right now, I am planning to continue as a full-time night shift Monitor Technician. Financially, it isn't feasible to do otherwise. I can't imagine that I won't be able to do both, simply because my job is so uninvolved. There is a lot of down-time during which I can (and do) study.
Today I submitted a request for schedule change to the staffing office. I'm requesting to waive my alternating weekends off and instead have Wednesday and Thursday nights off each week. This is imperative for me to make it to clinicals on time Thursday and Friday mornings (I'll need to be there around 6:00 am- normally I don't get off from work until 8:00 am). If I'm approved for the loan stipend program, I will also take Sunday nights off.
Either way, it's going to be tough, but it's doable. I need to maintain my full time status because it enables me to make the second mortgage on our house (in addition to all my other miscellaneous bills). If I went to part-time, not only would I lose hours but I would lose my benefits... Benefits that, because I'm insured through my husband, I'm able to waive for a 20% increase in pay. That 20%, along with the shift differential that I get by working nights, really makes a difference.
Going to part-time would place a huge financial burden on my husband, who already pays the bulk of our expenses. So it's a no-go.
My fingers are crossed about the loan stipend program and the requested schedule change. So far in this process, everything has been falling into place, so I'm cautiously optimistic that it will work out.. But I know there's no guarantee.
I've definitely been feeling the stress of the uncertainty these last few weeks. I've even taken the step of restarting one of the antidepressant medications that I gave up last year in order to prepare for the possibility of becoming pregnant. Since that's on the back burner for now, it seemed like a good idea to restart. I've been so conflicted about delaying conception of a child even longer, not to mention conflicted about the idea of being a nursing student again, some 14 years after not completing a similar program. I found my emotional stability was starting to slip, and I can't let that happen. Perhaps it's the placebo effect, but one week into the new medication regimen, I feel much better. I'm thankful for that.
This is a trying time, but also an exciting one. Knowing that this journey will be tough and will require stamina and sacrifice adds to the thrill of it. I don't like an unending daily grind... I need to be stimulated with challenges, I need to be working towards goals. Ultimately this is going to be very, very good for me!
As of right now, I am planning to continue as a full-time night shift Monitor Technician. Financially, it isn't feasible to do otherwise. I can't imagine that I won't be able to do both, simply because my job is so uninvolved. There is a lot of down-time during which I can (and do) study.
Today I submitted a request for schedule change to the staffing office. I'm requesting to waive my alternating weekends off and instead have Wednesday and Thursday nights off each week. This is imperative for me to make it to clinicals on time Thursday and Friday mornings (I'll need to be there around 6:00 am- normally I don't get off from work until 8:00 am). If I'm approved for the loan stipend program, I will also take Sunday nights off.
Either way, it's going to be tough, but it's doable. I need to maintain my full time status because it enables me to make the second mortgage on our house (in addition to all my other miscellaneous bills). If I went to part-time, not only would I lose hours but I would lose my benefits... Benefits that, because I'm insured through my husband, I'm able to waive for a 20% increase in pay. That 20%, along with the shift differential that I get by working nights, really makes a difference.
Going to part-time would place a huge financial burden on my husband, who already pays the bulk of our expenses. So it's a no-go.
My fingers are crossed about the loan stipend program and the requested schedule change. So far in this process, everything has been falling into place, so I'm cautiously optimistic that it will work out.. But I know there's no guarantee.
I've definitely been feeling the stress of the uncertainty these last few weeks. I've even taken the step of restarting one of the antidepressant medications that I gave up last year in order to prepare for the possibility of becoming pregnant. Since that's on the back burner for now, it seemed like a good idea to restart. I've been so conflicted about delaying conception of a child even longer, not to mention conflicted about the idea of being a nursing student again, some 14 years after not completing a similar program. I found my emotional stability was starting to slip, and I can't let that happen. Perhaps it's the placebo effect, but one week into the new medication regimen, I feel much better. I'm thankful for that.
This is a trying time, but also an exciting one. Knowing that this journey will be tough and will require stamina and sacrifice adds to the thrill of it. I don't like an unending daily grind... I need to be stimulated with challenges, I need to be working towards goals. Ultimately this is going to be very, very good for me!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Serendipity
This morning after work I had to stop off at my doctor's office to pick up the form she completed after conducting my Physical Exam for the Nursing Program. I had the PE last week, but she needed some lead time to fill it out properly. I'm never in the mood to run errands after work, but the thought of having the form in my possession and being that much closer to ticking another item off of my pre-school checklist got the best of me. And maybe I was in a pretty good mood to start with this morning... I found out my request for two vacation days (for the trip to Oregon) was approved. That in and of itself is a very good thing, since I already have a plane ticket!
So off to the doctor's office I went, and lucky for me it was uneventful. I didn't have to wait long in the waiting area, and once I had the form in my possession, I carefully looked it over and it seems to be filled out properly. Oh happy day (the Nursing instructors were very particular about this at the orientation for the program- they must have devoted a full hour to the topic!).
I hopped in my car and was cruising along uneventfully when suddenly it occurred to me that I would be driving right past King's Hawaiian Bakery & Restaurant. I contemplated stopping, but wasn't sure... Then the light turned red at the street you turn in on, and my decision was made (and this was my serendipitous moment- for my heart if not for my waistline!). I pulled into the parking lot, scampered into the bakery, and got lost in the heaven in front of me for several minutes. Finally, I made my selection, paid at the register, scampered back out to my car, and headed for home.
I couldn't resist pulling out my treats along the way, and I must say I chose well! The grand prize: A walnut roll. Think flaky crust, gooey honey, and a generous pile of chopped nuts bedded into the layers. Mmmmmm! The perfect sticky, sweet concoction. I also had an impossibly moist muffin... Yum! The best part, perhaps, was the goofy smile I couldn't erase from my face, the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth and wouldn't go away. I'm not sure if the smile had more to do with the joy of an unexpected treat or the mischievous feeling that swept over me, knowing that my husband would not approve. I suspect it was a combination of the two... Shame on me!
So off to the doctor's office I went, and lucky for me it was uneventful. I didn't have to wait long in the waiting area, and once I had the form in my possession, I carefully looked it over and it seems to be filled out properly. Oh happy day (the Nursing instructors were very particular about this at the orientation for the program- they must have devoted a full hour to the topic!).
I hopped in my car and was cruising along uneventfully when suddenly it occurred to me that I would be driving right past King's Hawaiian Bakery & Restaurant. I contemplated stopping, but wasn't sure... Then the light turned red at the street you turn in on, and my decision was made (and this was my serendipitous moment- for my heart if not for my waistline!). I pulled into the parking lot, scampered into the bakery, and got lost in the heaven in front of me for several minutes. Finally, I made my selection, paid at the register, scampered back out to my car, and headed for home.
I couldn't resist pulling out my treats along the way, and I must say I chose well! The grand prize: A walnut roll. Think flaky crust, gooey honey, and a generous pile of chopped nuts bedded into the layers. Mmmmmm! The perfect sticky, sweet concoction. I also had an impossibly moist muffin... Yum! The best part, perhaps, was the goofy smile I couldn't erase from my face, the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth and wouldn't go away. I'm not sure if the smile had more to do with the joy of an unexpected treat or the mischievous feeling that swept over me, knowing that my husband would not approve. I suspect it was a combination of the two... Shame on me!
Hoarding
Hoarding: What is it, exactly? When I tire of studying or staring at the heart monitors at work, I fish around and can usually find a magazine or two that the day shift staff has left behind. My latest read, a few days ago, was a Time Magazine piece about hoarding. I had to read it, because my husband is convinced that I'm a hoarder.
Apparently, there are a few cable TV shows on the air right now that are devoted to the issue, and per the magazine article, there is a push among psychiatric professionals for hoarding to become an official diagnosis in the DSM. Fascinating stuff.
I don't consider myself to be afflicted with this disorder (officially recognized as such or not), but I do have a hard time letting go sometimes. I don't have sky-high piles of papers stacked around the house, nor do I collect trash... Well... Actually, I do have a few small stacks of magazines and books on the floor in the two spare bedrooms, and I have a really hard time disposing of receipts, but that's less due to some weird emotional attachment and more because I want to compare them with my bank statements and make sure everything checks out. Eventually. When I have the time to get around to it. As for the magazine articles, I just hate to see valuable information go to waste. Who knows, one of those recipes in a Sunset magazine might just become my signature dish (if I ever really take up cooking in earnest).
So ok, maybe I do have a problem!
Apparently, there are a few cable TV shows on the air right now that are devoted to the issue, and per the magazine article, there is a push among psychiatric professionals for hoarding to become an official diagnosis in the DSM. Fascinating stuff.
I don't consider myself to be afflicted with this disorder (officially recognized as such or not), but I do have a hard time letting go sometimes. I don't have sky-high piles of papers stacked around the house, nor do I collect trash... Well... Actually, I do have a few small stacks of magazines and books on the floor in the two spare bedrooms, and I have a really hard time disposing of receipts, but that's less due to some weird emotional attachment and more because I want to compare them with my bank statements and make sure everything checks out. Eventually. When I have the time to get around to it. As for the magazine articles, I just hate to see valuable information go to waste. Who knows, one of those recipes in a Sunset magazine might just become my signature dish (if I ever really take up cooking in earnest).
So ok, maybe I do have a problem!
Hula Hooping For What Ails Ya
I'm excited. I've been coveting an ice-cream maker (currently on sale at Williams-Sonoma) but my husband has pretty much vetoed the idea... Can't say I blame him. He doesn't eat desserts-- yes, seriously. No wonder he's so trim. Plus he worries about my health. I do, too. But I got a refund for something last week, so I've been in a "spendy" mood... If not the ice cream maker, then what? (Weird how that works- I don't have any extra money, not really, but getting the refund made me feel suddenly wealthy). Anyhow, I finally settled on something to buy- a weighted hula hoop! Yee ha! Let the good times roll!
It all started on a mother-daughter weekend a few years back. We went to Ojai. We were sitting in the park, enjoying live musicians, when suddenly a group of women wheeled out a giant cart laden with what appeared to be home-made hula hoops. They started dancing with them, and it was quite a sight. Before long, hula hoops were flying off the cart, as men, women, and kids got in on the action. I must say, I was mesmerized! Later that day, I purchased a hula hoop from the local toy store (one of those tiny, bean-filled numbers with the pink stripes), but found it impossible to keep up on my hips.
I was determined, however. As soon as the trip was over, I got to work researching on the internet, and discovered that there's an entire movement of adults hula hooping for fitness and fun- it's called "hoop dancing." Awesome! Apparently, the child hoops are too small and light to be of much use for an adult. I bulked mine up with layers of duct-tape, and it helped, but it was still not very effective. So I kept searching the web and soon I found instructions on a website called "Jason Unbound" for making an adult sized hoop. I immediately went out and bought supplies, including a jumbo roll of irrigation tubing and colorful electrical tape, but I couldn't find one key piece (a plastic coupling that holds the two ends of the tubing together). So for many months now, the supplies have sat in the garage, gathering dust and undoubtedly annoying my ever-patient husband.
Yesterday, I decided it was time to make the hoops (I have enough tubing for eight of them!). I got on the internet and found a source for the couplings. They're 65 cents each- what a deal! But shipping on my order was going to run $10. So I moused on over to Amazon, and found a nifty weighted model in rainbow colors for $29. I still plan to make my own, but I refuse to pay exorbitant shipping fees--- I'll find a local source for the couplings. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the joy of hooping, and maybe toning my tummy in the process (it's quite the workout, believe it or not!).
It all started on a mother-daughter weekend a few years back. We went to Ojai. We were sitting in the park, enjoying live musicians, when suddenly a group of women wheeled out a giant cart laden with what appeared to be home-made hula hoops. They started dancing with them, and it was quite a sight. Before long, hula hoops were flying off the cart, as men, women, and kids got in on the action. I must say, I was mesmerized! Later that day, I purchased a hula hoop from the local toy store (one of those tiny, bean-filled numbers with the pink stripes), but found it impossible to keep up on my hips.
I was determined, however. As soon as the trip was over, I got to work researching on the internet, and discovered that there's an entire movement of adults hula hooping for fitness and fun- it's called "hoop dancing." Awesome! Apparently, the child hoops are too small and light to be of much use for an adult. I bulked mine up with layers of duct-tape, and it helped, but it was still not very effective. So I kept searching the web and soon I found instructions on a website called "Jason Unbound" for making an adult sized hoop. I immediately went out and bought supplies, including a jumbo roll of irrigation tubing and colorful electrical tape, but I couldn't find one key piece (a plastic coupling that holds the two ends of the tubing together). So for many months now, the supplies have sat in the garage, gathering dust and undoubtedly annoying my ever-patient husband.
Yesterday, I decided it was time to make the hoops (I have enough tubing for eight of them!). I got on the internet and found a source for the couplings. They're 65 cents each- what a deal! But shipping on my order was going to run $10. So I moused on over to Amazon, and found a nifty weighted model in rainbow colors for $29. I still plan to make my own, but I refuse to pay exorbitant shipping fees--- I'll find a local source for the couplings. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to the joy of hooping, and maybe toning my tummy in the process (it's quite the workout, believe it or not!).
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Pre-School Freak Out?
So as the weeks tick by and the impending semester approaches ever more rapidly, I have to ask myself, "Am I freaking out?"!
Maybe. It seems like when I go online these days, I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at parcels of land upon which I can park my Airstream trailer (which, I must confess, has barely registered a mental blip for the past several years, and now suddenly seems vitally important to my overall well-being).
Clearly I'm getting distracted from reality, so what gives?
It is definitely school. It's something I just don't want to do right now. I look around at the nurses I work with, and I can't say that I'm at all excited. Post RN studies do excite me, but what I observe on a daily basis really isn't the end all to be all. I'm worried that I won't be able to stomach it for two years. It seems like drudgery... But I can't get past it unless I jump in with both feet.
I'm glad I gave City Planning a whirl... It's something I thought I'd be good at, but I was SO wrong... I don't have a political bone in my body. My brain was suited for it, but my personality wasn't. Sadly, I think that's the reality for a lot of things that interest me- my personality doesn't gel. I wish it did sometimes, but I am who I am. There's no changing that.
Case in point: I've always day dreamed about being an entrepreneur. I'm not averse to hard work, especially if the overall vision that directs me is internally derived. But so much of entrepreneurship is the give and take that occurs with clients, AKA "People Pleasing"... Something that frankly bores me most of the time.
Entry level nursing seems to require a lot of this sort of thing... God help me! I can do it, but it isn't who I am. It will be a stretch.
Maybe. It seems like when I go online these days, I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at parcels of land upon which I can park my Airstream trailer (which, I must confess, has barely registered a mental blip for the past several years, and now suddenly seems vitally important to my overall well-being).
Clearly I'm getting distracted from reality, so what gives?
It is definitely school. It's something I just don't want to do right now. I look around at the nurses I work with, and I can't say that I'm at all excited. Post RN studies do excite me, but what I observe on a daily basis really isn't the end all to be all. I'm worried that I won't be able to stomach it for two years. It seems like drudgery... But I can't get past it unless I jump in with both feet.
I'm glad I gave City Planning a whirl... It's something I thought I'd be good at, but I was SO wrong... I don't have a political bone in my body. My brain was suited for it, but my personality wasn't. Sadly, I think that's the reality for a lot of things that interest me- my personality doesn't gel. I wish it did sometimes, but I am who I am. There's no changing that.
Case in point: I've always day dreamed about being an entrepreneur. I'm not averse to hard work, especially if the overall vision that directs me is internally derived. But so much of entrepreneurship is the give and take that occurs with clients, AKA "People Pleasing"... Something that frankly bores me most of the time.
Entry level nursing seems to require a lot of this sort of thing... God help me! I can do it, but it isn't who I am. It will be a stretch.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Airstream on the Brain
In approximately 3 weeks, I'll be taking a trip with my sister to visit our mom in Oregon. I can't wait! I haven't had a trip in such a loooong time. Before we bought our house, my husband and I would occasionally take little mini-trips with our dogs to fun places like Santa Barbara... We did it in part to get away from a loud upstairs neighbor. These days, we have quiet and serenity in abundance... Our home is a wonderful retreat, and neither one of us has been particularly motivated to get away... That is, until now!
Knowing that I'm less than a month away from starting the nursing program has renewed my desire to take a vacation-- I have to do it while I can.
The reason my sister and I are heading up to Oregon is to attend a live showing of Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" with our mother.... All three of us are public radio fans and occasional listeners of the program, so when our mom found out that the the show would be taping at the outdoor concert venue not far from where she lives, she couldn't resist the opportunity to get tickets. Awesome!
A fringe benefit is that I get to visit my Airstream trailer. I'm so excited! I just spent $250 at Vintage Trailer Supply for "weather tighting" supplies, including silicone window glazing, two replacement window operators, and two ceiling vent covers. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it in the few days that I'll be there, but I'll do my best to make time!
Knowing that I'm less than a month away from starting the nursing program has renewed my desire to take a vacation-- I have to do it while I can.
The reason my sister and I are heading up to Oregon is to attend a live showing of Garrison Keillor's "A Prairie Home Companion" with our mother.... All three of us are public radio fans and occasional listeners of the program, so when our mom found out that the the show would be taping at the outdoor concert venue not far from where she lives, she couldn't resist the opportunity to get tickets. Awesome!
A fringe benefit is that I get to visit my Airstream trailer. I'm so excited! I just spent $250 at Vintage Trailer Supply for "weather tighting" supplies, including silicone window glazing, two replacement window operators, and two ceiling vent covers. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it in the few days that I'll be there, but I'll do my best to make time!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Moving Forward
I've been taking my time with getting my name changed... But yesterday a certified copy of my marriage license arrived in the mail, so I'm just a few steps away from my new name (better start practicing my new signature!).
In order to request a copy of my marriage license, I had to first fill out a proof of identity form and get it notarized... Sheesh! A lot of work! Next step: Social Security... Then the DMV. Good times.
Apparently the name change process pre-911 was a lot simpler (it didn't require the notarized certificate of identity). That's ok... I'm not complaining. Not exactly, anyway.
Tonight is my last night of work, then tomorrow I have an all day class (work related, and taught by my husband- woo hoo!). The class should be finished before 3 pm, so with any luck, I'll have time to get to the local social security office before they close at 4 pm.
I had my physical for the nursing program earlier in the week, so that's moving along... And I'm two thirds done with my micro reading, so that's good. Things are on pace in my life.
I'm still having major fluctuations in attitude and emotions regarding nursing... I wish I could fast forward through the next two years. I hate the politics that accompany being a student in a program like nursing. I'll need to brush up on my "Yes, M'am" skills (i.e. being graceful in the face of constructive criticism). Like many women, I bristle under the authority of other women at times. Hopefully the instructors in the program will be cool. Working in a hospital, I have observed that plenty of individuals on power trips enter the profession of Nursing. It does not consist solely of tender hearted women (and men) who live to serve others. Which is a good thing... Balance is important! The problem is that sometimes the extremely unbalanced, power hungry end up in critically important positions. Some of them end up as instructors, undoubtedly. The program I'm about to start has an excellent reputation and fabulous board passage rates, so I should probably quit worrying... Easier said than done.
In other news, I've been thinking a lot about my 1957 Airstream Overlander lately. In August, I'll be visiting my mom in Oregon for a few days, which is where the trailer is being stored... Already I'm thinking about projects I can attend to while I'm there. Like replacing the weather stripping around the windows. Can't wait!
I wish I could bring the Airstream home and park it in the driveway... But my husband refuses. Another option is to buy an inexpensive piece of land in a scenic locale (somewhere closer than Oregon!) and use it as a getaway cabin. That's what the prior owner did with it until they were ready to build a permanent lakefront cabin in Montana. My husband thinks it's a crazy idea. Yeah, I suppose so. But I love it! Someday, I will attend Aistream rallies and travel the country! Someday it will be fixed up as the perfect vintage retreat, the aluminum skin polished to a mirror finish. Oooh... Someday!
In order to request a copy of my marriage license, I had to first fill out a proof of identity form and get it notarized... Sheesh! A lot of work! Next step: Social Security... Then the DMV. Good times.
Apparently the name change process pre-911 was a lot simpler (it didn't require the notarized certificate of identity). That's ok... I'm not complaining. Not exactly, anyway.
Tonight is my last night of work, then tomorrow I have an all day class (work related, and taught by my husband- woo hoo!). The class should be finished before 3 pm, so with any luck, I'll have time to get to the local social security office before they close at 4 pm.
I had my physical for the nursing program earlier in the week, so that's moving along... And I'm two thirds done with my micro reading, so that's good. Things are on pace in my life.
I'm still having major fluctuations in attitude and emotions regarding nursing... I wish I could fast forward through the next two years. I hate the politics that accompany being a student in a program like nursing. I'll need to brush up on my "Yes, M'am" skills (i.e. being graceful in the face of constructive criticism). Like many women, I bristle under the authority of other women at times. Hopefully the instructors in the program will be cool. Working in a hospital, I have observed that plenty of individuals on power trips enter the profession of Nursing. It does not consist solely of tender hearted women (and men) who live to serve others. Which is a good thing... Balance is important! The problem is that sometimes the extremely unbalanced, power hungry end up in critically important positions. Some of them end up as instructors, undoubtedly. The program I'm about to start has an excellent reputation and fabulous board passage rates, so I should probably quit worrying... Easier said than done.
In other news, I've been thinking a lot about my 1957 Airstream Overlander lately. In August, I'll be visiting my mom in Oregon for a few days, which is where the trailer is being stored... Already I'm thinking about projects I can attend to while I'm there. Like replacing the weather stripping around the windows. Can't wait!
I wish I could bring the Airstream home and park it in the driveway... But my husband refuses. Another option is to buy an inexpensive piece of land in a scenic locale (somewhere closer than Oregon!) and use it as a getaway cabin. That's what the prior owner did with it until they were ready to build a permanent lakefront cabin in Montana. My husband thinks it's a crazy idea. Yeah, I suppose so. But I love it! Someday, I will attend Aistream rallies and travel the country! Someday it will be fixed up as the perfect vintage retreat, the aluminum skin polished to a mirror finish. Oooh... Someday!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tired
Today I received an email from my little brother. I wrote to him recently to wish him a happy birthday, but I wasn't sure my email had been received. It was wonderful hearing from him, but draining, too- not because of who he is (he's a great young man who I'm sure will accomplish great things in life!), but because of our shared loss.
My brother was born shortly after I graduated from high school, and is now a teenager. We share the same dad. Sadly, our dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease when my brother was just a little boy, shortly after his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
His mom was born and raised in Sweden, and out of concern that her only child could very well end up an orphan, decided to return there with him, where he would have the love and support of her family. My dad moved there as well, and lived there for approximately two years before losing the battle with ALS.
I love my brother, but reminders of my dad put me in such a state. Most of the time, I am fine, but today I made the mistake of reading through some emails written around the time he died. It has been nearly 8 years.
It is my great hope that the losses I've experienced will inform the way that I care for my patients as a nurse. I believe that they will, but I also believe that nursing will be an emotionally draining profession for me. I have great capacity for empathy- this is a blessing, but could also prove to be an occupational hazard!
I need to find a specialty in nursing that doesn't leave me perpetually broken down. I refuse to become hardened, but I will not be successful without some emotional distance.
My brother was born shortly after I graduated from high school, and is now a teenager. We share the same dad. Sadly, our dad was diagnosed with a terminal disease when my brother was just a little boy, shortly after his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.
His mom was born and raised in Sweden, and out of concern that her only child could very well end up an orphan, decided to return there with him, where he would have the love and support of her family. My dad moved there as well, and lived there for approximately two years before losing the battle with ALS.
I love my brother, but reminders of my dad put me in such a state. Most of the time, I am fine, but today I made the mistake of reading through some emails written around the time he died. It has been nearly 8 years.
It is my great hope that the losses I've experienced will inform the way that I care for my patients as a nurse. I believe that they will, but I also believe that nursing will be an emotionally draining profession for me. I have great capacity for empathy- this is a blessing, but could also prove to be an occupational hazard!
I need to find a specialty in nursing that doesn't leave me perpetually broken down. I refuse to become hardened, but I will not be successful without some emotional distance.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Feelin' Groovy
Ok... So it's approx. 1 am and I should be sleeping, BUT since I'm normally at work at this hour, I don't feel tired. That's the problem with working nights. I get totally discombobulated! Days off are almost more trouble than they're worth. Oh wait-- did I just write that?? I don't mean it! I love days off! I just wish sometimes that I could be on a normal schedule. Someday...
Yesterday I had my exam for Anatomy and Physiology (taken through Excelsior College). It was conducted at a Pearson Vue testing center, just like my National Registry EMT exam a few weeks ago. Man, I am getting way too familiar with that place :)
I signed up for the A&P class about five months ago... Before I'd been accepted into the local Nursing Program. Since my science prereqs are positively ancient at this point, many schools will no longer accept them (most schools have a 5 year limit, which makes sense but was really discouraging to me). For years now, I've had an on again, off again interest in the Accelerated BSN offered at Mount St. Mary's College in LA. I've attended a few information sessions, and through that process learned about Excelsior. The Mount (and some other colleges as well) will allow students whose Anatomy, Physiology, and Microbiology are more than five years old to get current credit for them by taking examinations through Excelsior College.
Easy enough, right? Sure! So I signed up and paid my fees and began reviewing the material. Then signed up for my EMT class and got busy with that, then learned I'd been accepted into the RN program (thus no longer needed to worry about the old prereqs). Aw, shucks. What to do now? I called the school about getting a refund, but I would have received only 50% of my fees back, so I decided to proceed. I scheduled the A&P for yesterday, and the Micro for the absolute last day I can test (they give you approx. 6 months after you register and pay your fees to get it done). So Micro will be mid-August... Yikes! I'm more nervous about that one.
Anyway, since I hadn't done a lot of studying once I enrolled in the EMT class, I was pretty nervous. My previous "studying" had for the most part consisted of coloring in a Physiology coloring book with colored pencils during quiet nights at work... And I did that somewhat mindlessly! I didn't read the accompanying text or study the pages. A few days ago, I pulled my old Physiology textbook off the shelf and was shocked to discover how much I'd forgotten over the years. Not the major concepts, those are pretty solid in my mind, but oh, the intricacies... So many details!
The exam was hard- 160 questions. They were multiple choice, but there were no giveaways. My expectations after almost two hours of testing were not high. I hoped I passed. A letter grade is assigned based upon exam performance, and I figured I may (if I was lucky) have earned myself a 'B'. Imagine my surprise when I received my printout... An 'A'!!!! Hooray for A's! I guess I need to start giving myself more credit!
Next up: Micro. This will be more challenging, since I sold back the textbook long ago. How will I prepare? I have the book "Clinical Microbiology Made Ridiculously Simple" (I purchased it shortly after signing up for the exam), but it isn't comparable to a textbook at all. It's very much a clinician's guide. What to do? I may have to shell out some more money and get another book. I have approximately 3 1/2 weeks to study, however... So maybe it would be foolish to get a book that I won't have time to really delve into. I've also been doing a lot of reading ahead in my nursing text, and I plan to keep up with that. I'm challenging myself to the max right now with all the reading... But it doesn't begin to compare to the time I spent as a student at Cal-- I read hundreds of pages a day for two years straight! No joke! I guess I can handle the next 3 1/2 weeks! And the two years that follow!
Yesterday I had my exam for Anatomy and Physiology (taken through Excelsior College). It was conducted at a Pearson Vue testing center, just like my National Registry EMT exam a few weeks ago. Man, I am getting way too familiar with that place :)
I signed up for the A&P class about five months ago... Before I'd been accepted into the local Nursing Program. Since my science prereqs are positively ancient at this point, many schools will no longer accept them (most schools have a 5 year limit, which makes sense but was really discouraging to me). For years now, I've had an on again, off again interest in the Accelerated BSN offered at Mount St. Mary's College in LA. I've attended a few information sessions, and through that process learned about Excelsior. The Mount (and some other colleges as well) will allow students whose Anatomy, Physiology, and Microbiology are more than five years old to get current credit for them by taking examinations through Excelsior College.
Easy enough, right? Sure! So I signed up and paid my fees and began reviewing the material. Then signed up for my EMT class and got busy with that, then learned I'd been accepted into the RN program (thus no longer needed to worry about the old prereqs). Aw, shucks. What to do now? I called the school about getting a refund, but I would have received only 50% of my fees back, so I decided to proceed. I scheduled the A&P for yesterday, and the Micro for the absolute last day I can test (they give you approx. 6 months after you register and pay your fees to get it done). So Micro will be mid-August... Yikes! I'm more nervous about that one.
Anyway, since I hadn't done a lot of studying once I enrolled in the EMT class, I was pretty nervous. My previous "studying" had for the most part consisted of coloring in a Physiology coloring book with colored pencils during quiet nights at work... And I did that somewhat mindlessly! I didn't read the accompanying text or study the pages. A few days ago, I pulled my old Physiology textbook off the shelf and was shocked to discover how much I'd forgotten over the years. Not the major concepts, those are pretty solid in my mind, but oh, the intricacies... So many details!
The exam was hard- 160 questions. They were multiple choice, but there were no giveaways. My expectations after almost two hours of testing were not high. I hoped I passed. A letter grade is assigned based upon exam performance, and I figured I may (if I was lucky) have earned myself a 'B'. Imagine my surprise when I received my printout... An 'A'!!!! Hooray for A's! I guess I need to start giving myself more credit!
Next up: Micro. This will be more challenging, since I sold back the textbook long ago. How will I prepare? I have the book "Clinical Microbiology Made Ridiculously Simple" (I purchased it shortly after signing up for the exam), but it isn't comparable to a textbook at all. It's very much a clinician's guide. What to do? I may have to shell out some more money and get another book. I have approximately 3 1/2 weeks to study, however... So maybe it would be foolish to get a book that I won't have time to really delve into. I've also been doing a lot of reading ahead in my nursing text, and I plan to keep up with that. I'm challenging myself to the max right now with all the reading... But it doesn't begin to compare to the time I spent as a student at Cal-- I read hundreds of pages a day for two years straight! No joke! I guess I can handle the next 3 1/2 weeks! And the two years that follow!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Looking Ahead... Too Far Ahead?
A few days ago I printed out information on the three CRNA programs located in California (CRNA is a high-paying and competitive nursing specialty). When my husband came home from work, I showed him the curricula for the three programs, and he was amused that I was already looking into graduate programs when I don't even have my RN (in fact, in the case of CRNA, one must be ACLS and PALS certified and have at least a year's experience as an ICU nurse and a BSN before applying). Getting ahead of myself? Yes, I am! Am I sorry?? No!!
It's never too soon to start thinking about the future and coming up with a rudimentary action plan. It's true that I haven't even begun the nursing program... Will I be successful? Will I want to continue my education down the road, especially if my life becomes more complicated with the blessing of a larger family? Will I have the opportunity to work in a specialty area like ICU? Will I enjoy direct patient care, or will I feel compelled to move towards something like discharge planning or education? I don't know. One thing is clear, though... I'm excited to start, and excited at where this path might lead. Because I have felt thwarted from my goals and held back by life's circumstances for so long, I'm eager to get going, eager to run with this opportunity and take it as far as I can. I'm impatient. Let's go, already!
It's never too soon to start thinking about the future and coming up with a rudimentary action plan. It's true that I haven't even begun the nursing program... Will I be successful? Will I want to continue my education down the road, especially if my life becomes more complicated with the blessing of a larger family? Will I have the opportunity to work in a specialty area like ICU? Will I enjoy direct patient care, or will I feel compelled to move towards something like discharge planning or education? I don't know. One thing is clear, though... I'm excited to start, and excited at where this path might lead. Because I have felt thwarted from my goals and held back by life's circumstances for so long, I'm eager to get going, eager to run with this opportunity and take it as far as I can. I'm impatient. Let's go, already!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Getting Ready
Classes for the nursing program begin August 30th. There is so much to be done between now and then! I've applied for the Loan Stipend program at work, which is a biggie. Unfortunately, I won't hear yay or nay until mid to late August... Which seems to be cutting it kind of close. But there are many other things that I must do, and I've been plugging away at them.
Physical Exam? Scheduled for this month. Titers for my vaccines? Complete. Uniforms? On order and due in next week. Compression stockings? We're encouraged to wear these, but the jury is still out for me... We'll see. "Granny Panties"? (a requirement, I kid you not!) Check. Shoes? Check. I ordered and just received a pair of Dansko Professionals... Tried them out yesterday, and they seem alright. Some nurses swear by them. I like that they can be cleaned easily.
Books? Check. Well, mostly... I purchased the most important text in hard copy, ordered a few of the supplementals as Kindle ebooks on Amazon, and I have access to another at work. $99 Supply kit, filled with practice items like a foley catheter, IV bag, practice ampule, bandage scissors, Kelly Forceps, etc.? (This is a new requirement, that students must purchase their own practice supplies due to budget cuts...) Yep, I went to the bookstore and bought that right away.
Stethoscope? Check... hooray, the Littman rides again! I've cared for it lovingly for 14 years, and now I finally get to dust it off and use it once more. It's not a fancy Littman, no, just the basic model, but they've gotten more expensive over the years so I'm glad I have mine already. I'm going to order a new nametag for it so that I can help ensure that it doesn't "walk"- since I've worked in a hospital I've heard many tales of stethoscopes being "accidentally" picked up by docs, etc... In fact, if there was one item that nurses lose the most often, I bet this is it!
CPR & First Aid certification? Check. Background check? Not yet. Liability Insurance? Not yet.
Now for the intangibles... Positive Attitude? Well... I'm working on it!
At the orientation, one of the program staff members did a brief presentation on what it takes to be a successful nursing student. Here are her 5 tips for success:
1. Be a good student/ an active participant. Clarify things that you don't understand, be prepared
2. Manage your time well. Study and preparation outside of class approx. 22 hours per week
3. Use your resources, including the success counselor, workshops on test taking, etc.
4. Manage your stress and anxiety--- ask for help
5. Challenge yourself- pick patients that will challenge you to learn/ complement your learning experience
I'm going to do my best to take these things to heart.
Other things I want to do to prepare myself:
ASAP, get a haircut and/or a "Brazilian Blowout"- I don't want to start the program looking like a wild woman (which, sadly, is how I go into work every night)
Take a vacation or "mini-moon"- R and I haven't taken a honeymoon yet, and I don't think we'll have time. That's alright. I love where we live and I feel as though I'm on vacation just roaming our neighborhood... But we've been talking for months about getting away for a few days, and my step-daughter E would really like to take a trip. She actually (miraculously) put on some weight recently on a road trip with her mom... R suggested we take a trip to Monterey, which is where he proposed several years ago. It's one of my most favorite locations on the planet, and the site of the dives for my scuba certification while in college... So that sounds good to me! I'm not sure how we'll work things out logistically (my employer is notorious for denying requests for time off), but we can try!
Finally, I'd like to have my name change processed before I start school, so that I don't begin as one person with one name that everyone learns only to change it. I like my married name, so I'd like to make it offical sooner rather than later.
Physical Exam? Scheduled for this month. Titers for my vaccines? Complete. Uniforms? On order and due in next week. Compression stockings? We're encouraged to wear these, but the jury is still out for me... We'll see. "Granny Panties"? (a requirement, I kid you not!) Check. Shoes? Check. I ordered and just received a pair of Dansko Professionals... Tried them out yesterday, and they seem alright. Some nurses swear by them. I like that they can be cleaned easily.
Books? Check. Well, mostly... I purchased the most important text in hard copy, ordered a few of the supplementals as Kindle ebooks on Amazon, and I have access to another at work. $99 Supply kit, filled with practice items like a foley catheter, IV bag, practice ampule, bandage scissors, Kelly Forceps, etc.? (This is a new requirement, that students must purchase their own practice supplies due to budget cuts...) Yep, I went to the bookstore and bought that right away.
Stethoscope? Check... hooray, the Littman rides again! I've cared for it lovingly for 14 years, and now I finally get to dust it off and use it once more. It's not a fancy Littman, no, just the basic model, but they've gotten more expensive over the years so I'm glad I have mine already. I'm going to order a new nametag for it so that I can help ensure that it doesn't "walk"- since I've worked in a hospital I've heard many tales of stethoscopes being "accidentally" picked up by docs, etc... In fact, if there was one item that nurses lose the most often, I bet this is it!
CPR & First Aid certification? Check. Background check? Not yet. Liability Insurance? Not yet.
Now for the intangibles... Positive Attitude? Well... I'm working on it!
At the orientation, one of the program staff members did a brief presentation on what it takes to be a successful nursing student. Here are her 5 tips for success:
1. Be a good student/ an active participant. Clarify things that you don't understand, be prepared
2. Manage your time well. Study and preparation outside of class approx. 22 hours per week
3. Use your resources, including the success counselor, workshops on test taking, etc.
4. Manage your stress and anxiety--- ask for help
5. Challenge yourself- pick patients that will challenge you to learn/ complement your learning experience
I'm going to do my best to take these things to heart.
Other things I want to do to prepare myself:
ASAP, get a haircut and/or a "Brazilian Blowout"- I don't want to start the program looking like a wild woman (which, sadly, is how I go into work every night)
Take a vacation or "mini-moon"- R and I haven't taken a honeymoon yet, and I don't think we'll have time. That's alright. I love where we live and I feel as though I'm on vacation just roaming our neighborhood... But we've been talking for months about getting away for a few days, and my step-daughter E would really like to take a trip. She actually (miraculously) put on some weight recently on a road trip with her mom... R suggested we take a trip to Monterey, which is where he proposed several years ago. It's one of my most favorite locations on the planet, and the site of the dives for my scuba certification while in college... So that sounds good to me! I'm not sure how we'll work things out logistically (my employer is notorious for denying requests for time off), but we can try!
Finally, I'd like to have my name change processed before I start school, so that I don't begin as one person with one name that everyone learns only to change it. I like my married name, so I'd like to make it offical sooner rather than later.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Feeling Better
Wow, my posts have all been such a downer lately. What can I say except that I'm SCARED to start the nursing program in two months. But no worries! I can do it! History is NOT going to repeat itself! There's no way I will let that happen.
On Saturday I took the National Registry exam for my EMT. I just wandered on to the NREMT website for the gazillionth time of the past few days (never take a standardized test over a holiday weekend!), and finally something has posted... An expiration date for my cert! Gee, I guess that means I passed!
Funny, I shouldn't be so excited, but the test seemed kind of hard (though I blazed through it in like 40 minutes or so). I was actually worried for a few days there! And I love taking tests-- I'm just weird like that!
I guess you could say that finishing up the EMT class and becoming nationally registered was a small victory, but it was a victory nonetheless, and I'll take whatever I can get. I feel that it was good practice for what's to come. Right now I feel like telling all the instructors in the nursing program, "Bring it on!"
I'm ready!
On Saturday I took the National Registry exam for my EMT. I just wandered on to the NREMT website for the gazillionth time of the past few days (never take a standardized test over a holiday weekend!), and finally something has posted... An expiration date for my cert! Gee, I guess that means I passed!
Funny, I shouldn't be so excited, but the test seemed kind of hard (though I blazed through it in like 40 minutes or so). I was actually worried for a few days there! And I love taking tests-- I'm just weird like that!
I guess you could say that finishing up the EMT class and becoming nationally registered was a small victory, but it was a victory nonetheless, and I'll take whatever I can get. I feel that it was good practice for what's to come. Right now I feel like telling all the instructors in the nursing program, "Bring it on!"
I'm ready!
Monday, July 5, 2010
RHCC
Pondering a return to church... I'm not sure what my motivation is, or if I have enough interest to get through the door, but at least there's a church not too far away that I can try when I'm ready. IF I become ready.
Part of "traveling back in time" emotionally with the nursing program has been a mental return to myself at age 20... Kind of scary. This whole process continues to be a major downer for me. Myself at 20- devoted Christian. I don't long to be that person again. I was so caught up in that as my identity that I don't think I was capable of being open minded about many issues, and I didn't allow myself to think about issues that were troubling. I was happy to have my head buried in the sand. I won't ever be that person again, but I wouldn't mind being the type of Christian that my grandparents were.
I'm happy that when I go on to Facebook these days, my Christian friend seems to have dropped politics... At least for now. So perhaps I'm less hardened to Christianity right now.
Part of "traveling back in time" emotionally with the nursing program has been a mental return to myself at age 20... Kind of scary. This whole process continues to be a major downer for me. Myself at 20- devoted Christian. I don't long to be that person again. I was so caught up in that as my identity that I don't think I was capable of being open minded about many issues, and I didn't allow myself to think about issues that were troubling. I was happy to have my head buried in the sand. I won't ever be that person again, but I wouldn't mind being the type of Christian that my grandparents were.
I'm happy that when I go on to Facebook these days, my Christian friend seems to have dropped politics... At least for now. So perhaps I'm less hardened to Christianity right now.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Trying To Stay Positive
The past few days I've been wallowing in the sadness of my current "catch 22"- yes, I got into the Nursing Program, Hallelujah! I can start to move on and accomplish something with my life. I am so ready! The catch is that it means postponing having a child....
But I've found a silver lining with postponing motherhood. I just read that the likelihood of having twins increases with older maternal age... The older woman produces more Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Fascinating. Being overweight also increases the likelihood of conceiving twins! Woo hoo, I knew there was a plus-side to being chubby!
I want twins. I want twins because my husband only wants one more child, and I want more than one. With twins, it's a "two-fer". He wouldn't be able to refuse or resist. Afterall... Who doesn't love twins? A boy and girl would be perfect. I can dream, can't I?
There are plenty of negatives associated with having kids late, but right now I'm going to focus on the positives. In addition to the greater likelihood of twins, there's also the fact that older parents tend to be more stable (emotionally, financially, etc.). If and when I have a child, he or she is going to be SO wanted, SO cherished, celebrated, and appreciated... That's a positive! I just have to hang in there. And I have to trust that I will have a healthy child someday.
I don't know what I'd do if I conceived a child with Down Syndrome... For several years, my mom and I have volunteered with Down Syndrome kids at the Buddy Walk event in Orange County. They can be beautiful, amazing kids, but they are challenging. I hope for a child without limitations. So I pray that my eggs and R's sperm can stick it out for two more years. If that's what it's going to take, so be it.
But I've found a silver lining with postponing motherhood. I just read that the likelihood of having twins increases with older maternal age... The older woman produces more Follicle Stimulating Hormone. Fascinating. Being overweight also increases the likelihood of conceiving twins! Woo hoo, I knew there was a plus-side to being chubby!
I want twins. I want twins because my husband only wants one more child, and I want more than one. With twins, it's a "two-fer". He wouldn't be able to refuse or resist. Afterall... Who doesn't love twins? A boy and girl would be perfect. I can dream, can't I?
There are plenty of negatives associated with having kids late, but right now I'm going to focus on the positives. In addition to the greater likelihood of twins, there's also the fact that older parents tend to be more stable (emotionally, financially, etc.). If and when I have a child, he or she is going to be SO wanted, SO cherished, celebrated, and appreciated... That's a positive! I just have to hang in there. And I have to trust that I will have a healthy child someday.
I don't know what I'd do if I conceived a child with Down Syndrome... For several years, my mom and I have volunteered with Down Syndrome kids at the Buddy Walk event in Orange County. They can be beautiful, amazing kids, but they are challenging. I hope for a child without limitations. So I pray that my eggs and R's sperm can stick it out for two more years. If that's what it's going to take, so be it.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Muddled Emotions
Over the past week I've started a few different posts about the nursing program- my thoughts, my experience with the orientation, etc. Everything I've taken the time to say I've saved as a draft, and I've left in draft form. I don't have any desire to publish my thoughts... perhaps because those thoughts are beyond conflicted. I don't have clarity of purpose at the moment. By all accounts I'm moving forward, and yet each step forward seems to result in a new emotional low. My experience with the nursing program more than a decade ago was so very painful. I'm a different person now, in a totally different place (in every sense of the word), and yet I find myself reliving that loss.
It didn't help that my failure as a nursing student was in some respects the beginning of the darkest chapter of my life. It was one piece of bad news in a string of bad news that just kept coming. Before that failure, my most crushing pain had been the pain of unrequited love and friendship... Which seemed positively laughable a few years later.
Being a nursing student again is like climbing aboard a time machine and traveling back. I'm not sure I can stomach going there, but it seems there's no way forward unless I do.
On top of my reluctance to relive the past there's the matter of having a baby. I feel like there's no way I'll be able to do this thing that I always thought and planned on doing, and suddenly the pain of the realization is overwhelming. Yesterday my sister brought my niece and nephew over for the afternoon, and it was heavenly being in their company. Later, we went to a birthday dinner where there were two more little ones. No, I can't imagine my life without a child or two. As I ponder the next two years, and think about how old I'll be when I'm finished with my studies, I feel broken. If I was to get pregnant tomorrow, I'm already borderline high-risk because of my age- I'm already on the older side of the parenthood equation. And my husband is 15 years my senior. The thought of adding two more years just overwhelms me.
It didn't help that my failure as a nursing student was in some respects the beginning of the darkest chapter of my life. It was one piece of bad news in a string of bad news that just kept coming. Before that failure, my most crushing pain had been the pain of unrequited love and friendship... Which seemed positively laughable a few years later.
Being a nursing student again is like climbing aboard a time machine and traveling back. I'm not sure I can stomach going there, but it seems there's no way forward unless I do.
On top of my reluctance to relive the past there's the matter of having a baby. I feel like there's no way I'll be able to do this thing that I always thought and planned on doing, and suddenly the pain of the realization is overwhelming. Yesterday my sister brought my niece and nephew over for the afternoon, and it was heavenly being in their company. Later, we went to a birthday dinner where there were two more little ones. No, I can't imagine my life without a child or two. As I ponder the next two years, and think about how old I'll be when I'm finished with my studies, I feel broken. If I was to get pregnant tomorrow, I'm already borderline high-risk because of my age- I'm already on the older side of the parenthood equation. And my husband is 15 years my senior. The thought of adding two more years just overwhelms me.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Anticipation
In 10 minutes I leave for work, but I'm not thinking about the 8 hours in my immediate future. No, I'm thinking ahead to the Nursing Program orientation afterward. It too is 8 hours... An 8 hour glimpse into the next 2 years of my life... What will it bring? New friends? New insights? Knowledge and skill? I hope so.
I feel I've been out of touch with my own life for a while now. Guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I love my life, but it's been somewhat dream-like the past few years (and somewhat nightmarish for several years before that). It hasn't been entirely real, and it hasn't been entirely mine.
At some point I got off track in my life, and things just began happening. I became more of an observer and less an active participant. I suppose that's my natural inclination unless I work hard to counter it-- I have a tendency to watch from the sidelines.
I want control back.
I hope the orientation tomorrow is a good day. I hope I leave the campus having made connections with my classmates-to-be and with a sense of excitement for this new undertaking. Classes officially begin in just over two months. I don't feel completely ready, but I plan to be! Wish me luck.
I feel I've been out of touch with my own life for a while now. Guess that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best way I can describe it. I love my life, but it's been somewhat dream-like the past few years (and somewhat nightmarish for several years before that). It hasn't been entirely real, and it hasn't been entirely mine.
At some point I got off track in my life, and things just began happening. I became more of an observer and less an active participant. I suppose that's my natural inclination unless I work hard to counter it-- I have a tendency to watch from the sidelines.
I want control back.
I hope the orientation tomorrow is a good day. I hope I leave the campus having made connections with my classmates-to-be and with a sense of excitement for this new undertaking. Classes officially begin in just over two months. I don't feel completely ready, but I plan to be! Wish me luck.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
End/Begin
My EMT class is finally over. I'm so glad... I haven't had any free time lately to take care of other things. Case in point: It's nearly 3 months into my marriage and I haven't changed my name yet. Funny, though I grew up with an unusual (read easily made-fun-of) last name, changing it just hasn't been at the top of my list of things to do. I want to, and I plan to, and now I should have the time to, but in the end I think I'll miss my old name. Go figure.
On Thursday there's an orientation for the nursing program. It will be a full day of activities, from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. I'll be taking a critical thinking test, ordering uniforms, and finding out about registering for classes, etc. Woo hoo! At that time I should find out what my schedule is going to be like for the fall. Then I'll be tasked with changing my work schedule to accommodate school... Not looking forward to that. The manager of the department where I work had her last day about a week ago, and for now the ICU manager has taken the helm... I've never met her, but from what I've heard she's a humorless woman. Who knows if she'll be interested in assisting me on my journey to a brighter future.
So many uncertainties... Guess I'll have to take things one day at a time!
On Thursday there's an orientation for the nursing program. It will be a full day of activities, from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. I'll be taking a critical thinking test, ordering uniforms, and finding out about registering for classes, etc. Woo hoo! At that time I should find out what my schedule is going to be like for the fall. Then I'll be tasked with changing my work schedule to accommodate school... Not looking forward to that. The manager of the department where I work had her last day about a week ago, and for now the ICU manager has taken the helm... I've never met her, but from what I've heard she's a humorless woman. Who knows if she'll be interested in assisting me on my journey to a brighter future.
So many uncertainties... Guess I'll have to take things one day at a time!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Overdone
I did something I am loathe to do last night... I called in sick to work. When I got home from class yesterday afternoon, I couldn't sleep. So I got up and started to make dinner. Before I knew it, it was 6 pm. The thought of getting only a few hours of sleep then starting it all over again was overwhelming. I felt so drained given the fact that E is in the hospital again. When her dad got home, he told me that his ex wife phoned him and asked him not to visit E.
One of the last times E was in the hospital, he said something to his daughter about how it's tough when she's there, because it's his workplace, and people inevitably talk (despite HIPPA laws, word gets out). E misinterpreted what he said to mean that he's "embarrassed by her"- so she doesn't want him to visit. That's not it at all- it isn't about embarrassment or shame. Its just that it's uncomfortable having her there. I feel the same way. One of the joys of work is being able to set aside personal matters for 8, 10, or 12 hours. When the lines between work and personal life become blurred, it's hard to function in a productive role. I know that people talk-- I've heard them. I waited a long time before telling anyone that R was my fiancee, so when I first started in my current position, and E came in as a patient on my unit, I heard what people said about her. People have theories about why kids turn to destructive behaviors like Anorexia. Even nurses, who should know that behaviors like eating disorders are incredibly complex, rush to judgment. I remember one nurse telling the others at the nurses station, "You know that she's doing it for the attention."
When a child is sick with a disorder that has a mental health component (and eating disorders most definitely do), people have opinions. They judge the parenting of that child, they judge the decisions that are made on the child's behalf. They theorize and assign blame.
R is in a position of authority in the medical center. He doesn't work in obscurity; people know who he is. He sometimes has unpopular things to say, and people invariably have opinions about him. That's fine. But it isn't fair for the struggles of his daughter to become fodder for the gossip mill.
I feel exhausted right now. I am so glad that I got a good night's sleep. Pretty soon I have to leave for my EMT class make-up lecture... I'm not really in the mood, so hopefully the time will go by quickly! Hopefully I'll get some rest this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to work tonight.
One of the last times E was in the hospital, he said something to his daughter about how it's tough when she's there, because it's his workplace, and people inevitably talk (despite HIPPA laws, word gets out). E misinterpreted what he said to mean that he's "embarrassed by her"- so she doesn't want him to visit. That's not it at all- it isn't about embarrassment or shame. Its just that it's uncomfortable having her there. I feel the same way. One of the joys of work is being able to set aside personal matters for 8, 10, or 12 hours. When the lines between work and personal life become blurred, it's hard to function in a productive role. I know that people talk-- I've heard them. I waited a long time before telling anyone that R was my fiancee, so when I first started in my current position, and E came in as a patient on my unit, I heard what people said about her. People have theories about why kids turn to destructive behaviors like Anorexia. Even nurses, who should know that behaviors like eating disorders are incredibly complex, rush to judgment. I remember one nurse telling the others at the nurses station, "You know that she's doing it for the attention."
When a child is sick with a disorder that has a mental health component (and eating disorders most definitely do), people have opinions. They judge the parenting of that child, they judge the decisions that are made on the child's behalf. They theorize and assign blame.
R is in a position of authority in the medical center. He doesn't work in obscurity; people know who he is. He sometimes has unpopular things to say, and people invariably have opinions about him. That's fine. But it isn't fair for the struggles of his daughter to become fodder for the gossip mill.
I feel exhausted right now. I am so glad that I got a good night's sleep. Pretty soon I have to leave for my EMT class make-up lecture... I'm not really in the mood, so hopefully the time will go by quickly! Hopefully I'll get some rest this afternoon. I'm not looking forward to work tonight.
Monday, June 7, 2010
ICU Child
My stepdaughter is the ICU. I don't know all the details... Though I have access to computerized medical records at work, perusing them without cause constitutes a HIPPA violation. So she's there, in a unit nearby to the one I'm stationed on, and I know nothing.
I visited her this morning for 15 minutes before I left for class, and she seemed so young and so frail. She was curled up beneath a bright blanket from home, IV's in each arm. When she lifted her head from the coccoon she was wrapped up in, I saw a tangle of matted blonde hair and smudged eye makeup. I looked up at the monitor above her, and her BP was approximately 90 over 50... After a few minutes of talking, she sat up and seemed to be herself- a daughter whose personality reminds me so much of the man I married. They are alike in so many ways, it's impossible not to love her. It's also impossible not to feel overcome by the tragedy of her situation. Her disease is so insidious and so toxic to life, and it seems like nothing can be done.
One of the last remaining options that hasn't been explored yet is for her parents (one or both of them) to obtain conservatorship status so that they can make medical decisions for her. At age 19, she is technically an adult and can do what she wishes, but one could argue that she's gravely disabled and in need of a conservator. Would this be a good thing? Who knows. It's never good to take someone's rights away from them. But she's on a collision course with death right now- it's pretty apparent. A child who feels betrayed by her parents is certainly a better option than a child in the ICU... Or a dead child.
I visited her this morning for 15 minutes before I left for class, and she seemed so young and so frail. She was curled up beneath a bright blanket from home, IV's in each arm. When she lifted her head from the coccoon she was wrapped up in, I saw a tangle of matted blonde hair and smudged eye makeup. I looked up at the monitor above her, and her BP was approximately 90 over 50... After a few minutes of talking, she sat up and seemed to be herself- a daughter whose personality reminds me so much of the man I married. They are alike in so many ways, it's impossible not to love her. It's also impossible not to feel overcome by the tragedy of her situation. Her disease is so insidious and so toxic to life, and it seems like nothing can be done.
One of the last remaining options that hasn't been explored yet is for her parents (one or both of them) to obtain conservatorship status so that they can make medical decisions for her. At age 19, she is technically an adult and can do what she wishes, but one could argue that she's gravely disabled and in need of a conservator. Would this be a good thing? Who knows. It's never good to take someone's rights away from them. But she's on a collision course with death right now- it's pretty apparent. A child who feels betrayed by her parents is certainly a better option than a child in the ICU... Or a dead child.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Fatigue
It's a good thing that my EMT class is almost over. I have a hellish week ahead of me: work tonight followed by class tomorrow, a few hours of sleep tomorrow night then back to work, then back to class for a makeup session right in the middle of the day (prime sleeping time), home for (hopefully!) a few good hours of sleep, back to work, back to class on Wednesday, home for a few hours of sleep, then back to work, and finally on Thursday I'll be able to sleep all day. I had this weekend off, and I did a lot of sleeping, but I don't feel all that rested. I'll probably get all of 12 hours of sleep over the next three days... Not enough.
On the one hand, I suppose it's good training for the fall. I'm still totally excited about starting the nursing program, but the reality of it has been sinking in, too. I have to work-- there's no way around that. The union at work sponsors employees who go to school... The arrangement is that you work 30 hours but still get paid for 40. Nice, except for two things: #1, I don't know if this is automatic, or if it's something I'll have to apply for- do they sponsor an unlimited number of interested employees, or will I have to compete with others? #2, Assuming I'm approved, that still means 30 hours of work per week with school. It's going to be tough.
The EMT class has been fun but it hasn't been easy... I like sleep. I miss it when I don't get enough. Fortunately, the class is almost over. I have one more week of new material, then a final week of reviews and tests. I'm supposed to have a ride-along completed by next Wednesday, but when am I supposed to get it done? I just don't have that large a chunk of time available. So it's going to have to get done late... The instructor will be irritated, I'm sure, but I can't make it happen on time unless I take a night off from work. Although I am late on occasion, I've never missed a shift... I don't ever call off sick. I just don't. And I don't want to start now, either.
I feel drained. I have a hard time feeling excited about the EMT class now that I've been accepted into the nursing program. My plan was to get a job in the ED, but now it makes more sense to stay in my current position. It's much more student-friendly, with plenty of opportunities to study. The evening shift is presently vacant, and I was thinking about trying to move into it (not as easy as one would think since our manager will be taking a new job in a week-- I don't know who will be handling our department when that happens). But the thing is, as much as I long to get off the night shift, it probably is wise to stay on it. Evening shift is a lot more busy. There are more people in the hospital (from lost family members to administrators), and the patients are off and on the monitors with more frequency (either going for procedures or because they're being discharged). It's just a lot more chaotic with far fewer opportunities to crack the books. As much as I don't want to, I need to sit tight. I have a good thing going if I can just stick it out for two more years.
Two more years... What does it all mean? I think it means getting pregnant is a bad idea- pregnancy and school or pregnancy and work are a full enough plate... Pregnancy with school and work?? That just wouldn't be wise. It's frustrating but I know I've got to do what I've got to do. Right now, I need to work on securing my future. Things are too tenuous. We have a home we love, but the mortgage is pretty hefty. R already makes a good salary, so the only room for improvement is with me.
Twenty minutes until I have to leave the house... Should I shower? Or blog until the bitter end? I guess I'd better wrap this up and get ready to go. I dread going in tonight, because R told me this morning that E is in the hospital. His ex wife called him on Saturday afternoon and told him the news. She has a low BP... That isn't good. She will be monitored, so that means there's a 50-50 chance that she'll be on my unit when I get to work. Well, assuming she's still there, and I'm sure she is (unless she signed out AMA). It's very sad and tough when she's in the hospital. A few times now, she's been on my unit and has been one of my tele patients. It's hard to focus when her heart rhythm runs across the screen in front of my eyes. It's hard to focus on any of the other rhythms... It becomes all consuming. Hopefully she's on the other tele unit. Hopefully she's doing ok.
On the one hand, I suppose it's good training for the fall. I'm still totally excited about starting the nursing program, but the reality of it has been sinking in, too. I have to work-- there's no way around that. The union at work sponsors employees who go to school... The arrangement is that you work 30 hours but still get paid for 40. Nice, except for two things: #1, I don't know if this is automatic, or if it's something I'll have to apply for- do they sponsor an unlimited number of interested employees, or will I have to compete with others? #2, Assuming I'm approved, that still means 30 hours of work per week with school. It's going to be tough.
The EMT class has been fun but it hasn't been easy... I like sleep. I miss it when I don't get enough. Fortunately, the class is almost over. I have one more week of new material, then a final week of reviews and tests. I'm supposed to have a ride-along completed by next Wednesday, but when am I supposed to get it done? I just don't have that large a chunk of time available. So it's going to have to get done late... The instructor will be irritated, I'm sure, but I can't make it happen on time unless I take a night off from work. Although I am late on occasion, I've never missed a shift... I don't ever call off sick. I just don't. And I don't want to start now, either.
I feel drained. I have a hard time feeling excited about the EMT class now that I've been accepted into the nursing program. My plan was to get a job in the ED, but now it makes more sense to stay in my current position. It's much more student-friendly, with plenty of opportunities to study. The evening shift is presently vacant, and I was thinking about trying to move into it (not as easy as one would think since our manager will be taking a new job in a week-- I don't know who will be handling our department when that happens). But the thing is, as much as I long to get off the night shift, it probably is wise to stay on it. Evening shift is a lot more busy. There are more people in the hospital (from lost family members to administrators), and the patients are off and on the monitors with more frequency (either going for procedures or because they're being discharged). It's just a lot more chaotic with far fewer opportunities to crack the books. As much as I don't want to, I need to sit tight. I have a good thing going if I can just stick it out for two more years.
Two more years... What does it all mean? I think it means getting pregnant is a bad idea- pregnancy and school or pregnancy and work are a full enough plate... Pregnancy with school and work?? That just wouldn't be wise. It's frustrating but I know I've got to do what I've got to do. Right now, I need to work on securing my future. Things are too tenuous. We have a home we love, but the mortgage is pretty hefty. R already makes a good salary, so the only room for improvement is with me.
Twenty minutes until I have to leave the house... Should I shower? Or blog until the bitter end? I guess I'd better wrap this up and get ready to go. I dread going in tonight, because R told me this morning that E is in the hospital. His ex wife called him on Saturday afternoon and told him the news. She has a low BP... That isn't good. She will be monitored, so that means there's a 50-50 chance that she'll be on my unit when I get to work. Well, assuming she's still there, and I'm sure she is (unless she signed out AMA). It's very sad and tough when she's in the hospital. A few times now, she's been on my unit and has been one of my tele patients. It's hard to focus when her heart rhythm runs across the screen in front of my eyes. It's hard to focus on any of the other rhythms... It becomes all consuming. Hopefully she's on the other tele unit. Hopefully she's doing ok.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Future Nurse
I'm at work right now, on my "lunch" (yep, lunch at 4 in the morning!). A while ago, I checked my email, and there it was: My acceptance to the nursing program! The letter began with congratulations-- there were over 400 applications for the 48 positions. Understandably, I'm in a state of gratitude and joy as I write this!
I am so ready to "do something with my life". It has been tough being in a holding pattern for such a long time. Moving into our new home two years ago and then getting married this year have been a huge help- I've been distracted from my feelings of failure. Actually, I've been immensely happy this year. Having the house, having a stable job, and being married have been such a tremendous blessing. The lows in my life over the past decade have been so low, and now things are altogether good. I have to pinch myself sometimes. Before I left for work last night I got a scare- I had gone to bed around 7 pm after the news, and woke up to my alarm at 10:30, and I couldn't find my husband. He wasn't in bed or napping on the couch (despite having to be at work early in the morning). I knew something wasn't right, because the window shades throughout the house were open. He is a creature of habit, and always closes everything up when it gets dark outside. But the dogs weren't acting funny, so that was a good sign. He had fallen asleep in the office (probably checking hockey scores on the computer!). What a relief! Still, I had several minutes of panic. The problem with life being really good is the fear that things will change. I don't feel prepared for that.
Well, having a secure future as a nurse will help to alleviate my worries. I will be capable of self sufficiency, and I'll be in a career where it's impossible to lose sight of one's blessings. That's a good thing. I just have to find the right specialty for my personality and needs. Looks like I've got two years to figure it out!
I am so ready to "do something with my life". It has been tough being in a holding pattern for such a long time. Moving into our new home two years ago and then getting married this year have been a huge help- I've been distracted from my feelings of failure. Actually, I've been immensely happy this year. Having the house, having a stable job, and being married have been such a tremendous blessing. The lows in my life over the past decade have been so low, and now things are altogether good. I have to pinch myself sometimes. Before I left for work last night I got a scare- I had gone to bed around 7 pm after the news, and woke up to my alarm at 10:30, and I couldn't find my husband. He wasn't in bed or napping on the couch (despite having to be at work early in the morning). I knew something wasn't right, because the window shades throughout the house were open. He is a creature of habit, and always closes everything up when it gets dark outside. But the dogs weren't acting funny, so that was a good sign. He had fallen asleep in the office (probably checking hockey scores on the computer!). What a relief! Still, I had several minutes of panic. The problem with life being really good is the fear that things will change. I don't feel prepared for that.
Well, having a secure future as a nurse will help to alleviate my worries. I will be capable of self sufficiency, and I'll be in a career where it's impossible to lose sight of one's blessings. That's a good thing. I just have to find the right specialty for my personality and needs. Looks like I've got two years to figure it out!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
5 Minutes of Fame
R and I were pleased to find a picture of ourselves in our city's local magazine- our wedding photographer photographs extensively for the magazine, and also advertises there. So his latest ad features a picture of us flying a kite on our wedding day. It's very cute!
What makes me happy is how happy the picture makes my husband. He was positively gleeful when he showed me the ad-- beaming with pride. A co-worker left a copy of the magazine at the nurses station where I work a few days ago, so I showed it to a few people. One of them, a woman who has worked here for a long time and is familiar with my husband, exclaimed, "Wow, I've never seen him smile like that before!" She paused, then added, "You did that." It's true, and it's heady stuff, knowing that I'm a source of tremendous joy in his life. He is so happy and so proud to be my husband-- he takes the time to say so. He wears his wedding band with pride. After dating my fair share of people and suffering my fair share of heartbreak, my good fortune in meeting him is almost unbelievable. He cherishes me, and I cherish him. We love one another to the same extent... Good stuff! It just doesn't happen all that often!
We've had fun laughing and joking about how we should "autograph" our ad... It's cool to think that it was chosen, but most of all it's cool to think that the camera captured a vivid moment of us in celebration- it wasn't staged, it just happened. That's one thing that I'm really glad about as far as our wedding was concerned... We didn't do a lot of posing for our wedding pictures. We took the traditional family group shots, of couse, but otherwise our photographer just captured us in our "natural state". When I look at the pictures I'm transported back to our happy day.
What makes me happy is how happy the picture makes my husband. He was positively gleeful when he showed me the ad-- beaming with pride. A co-worker left a copy of the magazine at the nurses station where I work a few days ago, so I showed it to a few people. One of them, a woman who has worked here for a long time and is familiar with my husband, exclaimed, "Wow, I've never seen him smile like that before!" She paused, then added, "You did that." It's true, and it's heady stuff, knowing that I'm a source of tremendous joy in his life. He is so happy and so proud to be my husband-- he takes the time to say so. He wears his wedding band with pride. After dating my fair share of people and suffering my fair share of heartbreak, my good fortune in meeting him is almost unbelievable. He cherishes me, and I cherish him. We love one another to the same extent... Good stuff! It just doesn't happen all that often!
We've had fun laughing and joking about how we should "autograph" our ad... It's cool to think that it was chosen, but most of all it's cool to think that the camera captured a vivid moment of us in celebration- it wasn't staged, it just happened. That's one thing that I'm really glad about as far as our wedding was concerned... We didn't do a lot of posing for our wedding pictures. We took the traditional family group shots, of couse, but otherwise our photographer just captured us in our "natural state". When I look at the pictures I'm transported back to our happy day.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Waiting...
I'm a bit on edge right now, waiting to find out if I've gotten in to the nursing program for the Fall. The TEAS test was going to be offered twice- two weeks ago on Friday (the date I took it) and last Friday. Now that both groups of invitees have tested, the college has its entire pool of qualified applicants... I can't imagine it would take more than a few days to process the information and conduct a second lottery if necessary. I doubt that the person in charge of doing this works weekends, and today was Memorial Day, so the soonest this might happen is probably tomorrow. Nevertheless, I've been checking my email like a maniac! The next few days are going to be tough. If I don't hear anything by Wednesday, I'll probably call the school to find out when I can expect to hear more.
As I've mentioned before, I'm not totally convinced that nursing is the best career avenue for me. I work with nurses, and my front row seat to their struggles and frustrations definitely gives me pause. Med-surg nursing doesn't excite me, to say the least. But nursing is a vast profession, and I have no doubt that I can find a niche where I'll be happy and do a good job. That's all I ask for- the opportunity to find a niche where I can put my knowledge and concern for others to work, and command a decent salary in the process.
The local newspaper just featured an article about the lack of even nursing jobs (assumed by many to be a recession-proof profession) in today's tough economy. Apparently, many nurses of retirement age are postponing retirement, and many per diem workers have entered the field full time- in some cases because spouses are out of work and a full-time position comes with medical benefits. So the job outlook for new grads is a little dim at the moment, but with nearly half the workforce approaching retirement age, it's just a matter of time before the jobs start posting again. One of the interviewees in the article predicted that a turnaround would take place in 2 to 4 years... That works for me! Assuming I get in this Fall (please, please, please let me get in!), I'll be finishing up in two years.
It's off to work now... More thoughts on all of this later!
As I've mentioned before, I'm not totally convinced that nursing is the best career avenue for me. I work with nurses, and my front row seat to their struggles and frustrations definitely gives me pause. Med-surg nursing doesn't excite me, to say the least. But nursing is a vast profession, and I have no doubt that I can find a niche where I'll be happy and do a good job. That's all I ask for- the opportunity to find a niche where I can put my knowledge and concern for others to work, and command a decent salary in the process.
The local newspaper just featured an article about the lack of even nursing jobs (assumed by many to be a recession-proof profession) in today's tough economy. Apparently, many nurses of retirement age are postponing retirement, and many per diem workers have entered the field full time- in some cases because spouses are out of work and a full-time position comes with medical benefits. So the job outlook for new grads is a little dim at the moment, but with nearly half the workforce approaching retirement age, it's just a matter of time before the jobs start posting again. One of the interviewees in the article predicted that a turnaround would take place in 2 to 4 years... That works for me! Assuming I get in this Fall (please, please, please let me get in!), I'll be finishing up in two years.
It's off to work now... More thoughts on all of this later!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Privacy
My husband will never join Facebook. Neither will my sister. Why? Privacy. Now mind you, my sis is what my grandmother would call a gadabout- according to Merriam Websters, this is a person who "flits about in social activity"- she's very involved with other people. She has a lot of friends, many of them are on Facebook, and several have repeatedly attempted to get her to set up an account. Heck, even I've tried (and I'm not known for my sociability, ok?). It's not that she doesn't care about her friends, or want a new avenue for keeping in touch, sharing photos, etc., but she worries about the loss of privacy and the blurring of personal with public information.
My husband has been on facebook only a few times. With my oversight, he's been on my account to look at photos friends posted of our wedding and also to view a slide show created by our professional photographer.
When he saw some pictures that I'd posted of the two of us, he was bothered. He doesn't like the idea of people who may or may not be important to us sharing in both the intimacies and the trivial bits of our lives.
I've been thinking a lot about Facebook myself lately, and I get it. I wonder sometimes why I'm there- After months of feeling irritated with the divisive postings of a former friend (if you would call him that) I finally changed a setting on my account so that I don't see anything that he posts, unless it is posted directly to my wall. I did the same thing for the former co-worker who flaked on coming to my wedding. Why? I don't really care about either one of them. Why should I? And yeah, the idea of these people who don't matter being acquainted with the details of my life is a little troubling.
Then there are the cousins I was so happy to have a means of keeping up with. In reality, we don't talk much- either I'm not interested in their lives, they aren't interested in mine, or we're mutually uninterested.
Over the past week or two I've deleted nearly all of my photo albums and personal information (former employers, schooling, etc) from my account. It's no longer a platform for sharing who I am with others. Instead it's just an open line of communication that can be used by a small group of people (mostly family) if ever they do want or need to reach me. That's how I'm going to maintain it for now.
Apparently, there are politicians (and probably plenty of plain folk, too!) who use Facebook to promote a version of themselves that may or may not be based in reality. Smiling photos on the beach, witty quotations, etc. etc.- it's all carefully selected and promoted. It's marketing, really. Well, blah. I'm not into that right now.
That brings us to this blog... Too much information? Too intimate? And what of the matter of blogging in general? For me, this is like keeping a journal. It's a way to clear my head, and I don't plan to stop. I've tried to depersonalize it for the sake of my husband- eliminating our names and such. That's cool... I guess it's kind of creepy to think of anyone actually reading about us. Especially if they know us :)
I follow a lot of blogs, and what a mess that is! I can't figure out how to stop receiving updates from them. I love some blogs (my favorite two right now are written by women who live in the city I live in- they take photos and explore the neighborhoods). Some blogs are annoying (yep, I'm referring to the unnecessary quotation marks blog in particular), and others are too personal.
I need some distance! I was thrilled beyond belief to find the blog of an old friend, and I hung on every word and photo. Then she quit posting much, and I have to wonder if my zeal for her personal life played a part in that. I commented on a few postings, and became a "follower"... Did I creep her out? That's the thing about blogging.... It's a lot of fun when it's anonymous. Or when you have absolute control over who is following. But when people find you via your blog, when you may have preferred to stay hidden from them... That's a problem. So sorry N&J, for stumbling over your blog and getting way too excited about it. I guess if fate had intended for us to remain friends, we would have! I wish you well, and I wish you a measure of privacy in your blogging universe, if that's what you desire.
My husband has been on facebook only a few times. With my oversight, he's been on my account to look at photos friends posted of our wedding and also to view a slide show created by our professional photographer.
When he saw some pictures that I'd posted of the two of us, he was bothered. He doesn't like the idea of people who may or may not be important to us sharing in both the intimacies and the trivial bits of our lives.
I've been thinking a lot about Facebook myself lately, and I get it. I wonder sometimes why I'm there- After months of feeling irritated with the divisive postings of a former friend (if you would call him that) I finally changed a setting on my account so that I don't see anything that he posts, unless it is posted directly to my wall. I did the same thing for the former co-worker who flaked on coming to my wedding. Why? I don't really care about either one of them. Why should I? And yeah, the idea of these people who don't matter being acquainted with the details of my life is a little troubling.
Then there are the cousins I was so happy to have a means of keeping up with. In reality, we don't talk much- either I'm not interested in their lives, they aren't interested in mine, or we're mutually uninterested.
Over the past week or two I've deleted nearly all of my photo albums and personal information (former employers, schooling, etc) from my account. It's no longer a platform for sharing who I am with others. Instead it's just an open line of communication that can be used by a small group of people (mostly family) if ever they do want or need to reach me. That's how I'm going to maintain it for now.
Apparently, there are politicians (and probably plenty of plain folk, too!) who use Facebook to promote a version of themselves that may or may not be based in reality. Smiling photos on the beach, witty quotations, etc. etc.- it's all carefully selected and promoted. It's marketing, really. Well, blah. I'm not into that right now.
That brings us to this blog... Too much information? Too intimate? And what of the matter of blogging in general? For me, this is like keeping a journal. It's a way to clear my head, and I don't plan to stop. I've tried to depersonalize it for the sake of my husband- eliminating our names and such. That's cool... I guess it's kind of creepy to think of anyone actually reading about us. Especially if they know us :)
I follow a lot of blogs, and what a mess that is! I can't figure out how to stop receiving updates from them. I love some blogs (my favorite two right now are written by women who live in the city I live in- they take photos and explore the neighborhoods). Some blogs are annoying (yep, I'm referring to the unnecessary quotation marks blog in particular), and others are too personal.
I need some distance! I was thrilled beyond belief to find the blog of an old friend, and I hung on every word and photo. Then she quit posting much, and I have to wonder if my zeal for her personal life played a part in that. I commented on a few postings, and became a "follower"... Did I creep her out? That's the thing about blogging.... It's a lot of fun when it's anonymous. Or when you have absolute control over who is following. But when people find you via your blog, when you may have preferred to stay hidden from them... That's a problem. So sorry N&J, for stumbling over your blog and getting way too excited about it. I guess if fate had intended for us to remain friends, we would have! I wish you well, and I wish you a measure of privacy in your blogging universe, if that's what you desire.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday Morning Blues
Wow, the weekend went by in a blur. Isn't that how it always is? It's back to the grind. Until my class finishes up in about a month, my only days off are one weekend every other week. Time off is especially enjoyable right now, but also especially fleeting.
Friday, my insane day, went pretty well. After working all night Thursday, I rushed off to class Friday morning. Class let out early last Wednesday afternoon because of a power failure that prevented us from completing our quiz, so the instructor rescheduled us for 8 am on Friday morning (one hour early). I don't usually leave work until 8 am, so I was expecting to be at least 30 minutes late. But because I didn't get a lunch break at work on Thursday night, I was able to escape 15 minutes early, and ended up being only 10 minutes late to class... Excellent! I walked in during the quiz, and had only missed the first four questions.
After a busy 3 hours of lecture, I had to leave class early to head over to the local community college, where I took the approximately 4 hour long TEAS test. I spent plenty of time stressing out about it last week (particularly the math section), but it was easy. Because it is a computer based test, I got my score back immediately, and I passed with flying colors! Alas, it doesn't mean that I have a spot in the nursing class in the fall-- apparently, some students don't pass the TEAS, so the school allows more people to take it than seats are available. If the number of students who pass the test exceeds the number of seats, they conduct another lottery to decide who advances. There will be 48 seats for the fall class... Let's hope I'm part of that group! After the exam, I was finally free to head home and decompress, and that's exactly what I did for the next two days. Ahhhh, so nice!
Friday, my insane day, went pretty well. After working all night Thursday, I rushed off to class Friday morning. Class let out early last Wednesday afternoon because of a power failure that prevented us from completing our quiz, so the instructor rescheduled us for 8 am on Friday morning (one hour early). I don't usually leave work until 8 am, so I was expecting to be at least 30 minutes late. But because I didn't get a lunch break at work on Thursday night, I was able to escape 15 minutes early, and ended up being only 10 minutes late to class... Excellent! I walked in during the quiz, and had only missed the first four questions.
After a busy 3 hours of lecture, I had to leave class early to head over to the local community college, where I took the approximately 4 hour long TEAS test. I spent plenty of time stressing out about it last week (particularly the math section), but it was easy. Because it is a computer based test, I got my score back immediately, and I passed with flying colors! Alas, it doesn't mean that I have a spot in the nursing class in the fall-- apparently, some students don't pass the TEAS, so the school allows more people to take it than seats are available. If the number of students who pass the test exceeds the number of seats, they conduct another lottery to decide who advances. There will be 48 seats for the fall class... Let's hope I'm part of that group! After the exam, I was finally free to head home and decompress, and that's exactly what I did for the next two days. Ahhhh, so nice!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Oh Happy Day!
I was fully expecting to have to wait for snail mail regarding the Nursing Program... But lo and behold, when I checked one of my email accounts, there it was: an invitation to take the TEAS test! Woo hoo! This is good news.
Unfortunately, I'll have to miss a half-day of EMT class (and missed classes are required to be made up via a private tutoring session with the instructor, at a cost of more than $100- ouch!) but sacrifices have to be made. The email arrived in my alternative email account, the one I don't check every day... Boy, it's a good thing I checked it this morning! The TEAS has a registration deadline of this Thursday; had I not seen the email in time, I would have been SOL!
Ok, in the middle of writing this, R called... He got my phone message (I immediately left him a message at work). We just chatted about a variety of things, and it sounds like he's having a good day so far. However, neither of us said a single word about the Nursing Program.
I know that he's nervous... Two years of schooling (full time, no less) is a huge undertaking. But I have to make it work, somehow... I need to cast off this underachiever's mantle! It's time to achieve, baby. And this will be just a first step, because I know I won't be happy with just an ADN. A BSN- yeah, that would be ok, an MSN, now we're talking... Training in a specialty, like CRNA or NP or CNS- that's where it has to lead. I'm impatient to get on with my life as a professional.
In fact I'm annoyed I have to undertake the first two years of training at all... It's so 1996 (the year I was first accepted into a Nursing Program). I could have twelve years under my belt by now! Ah, well... C'est la vie. I wouldn't change anything, because I've enjoyed my life experiences, challenges included! And I would never, never, NEVER ever give back the two and a half years I was a student at Cal. So it's all good!
Unfortunately, I'll have to miss a half-day of EMT class (and missed classes are required to be made up via a private tutoring session with the instructor, at a cost of more than $100- ouch!) but sacrifices have to be made. The email arrived in my alternative email account, the one I don't check every day... Boy, it's a good thing I checked it this morning! The TEAS has a registration deadline of this Thursday; had I not seen the email in time, I would have been SOL!
Ok, in the middle of writing this, R called... He got my phone message (I immediately left him a message at work). We just chatted about a variety of things, and it sounds like he's having a good day so far. However, neither of us said a single word about the Nursing Program.
I know that he's nervous... Two years of schooling (full time, no less) is a huge undertaking. But I have to make it work, somehow... I need to cast off this underachiever's mantle! It's time to achieve, baby. And this will be just a first step, because I know I won't be happy with just an ADN. A BSN- yeah, that would be ok, an MSN, now we're talking... Training in a specialty, like CRNA or NP or CNS- that's where it has to lead. I'm impatient to get on with my life as a professional.
In fact I'm annoyed I have to undertake the first two years of training at all... It's so 1996 (the year I was first accepted into a Nursing Program). I could have twelve years under my belt by now! Ah, well... C'est la vie. I wouldn't change anything, because I've enjoyed my life experiences, challenges included! And I would never, never, NEVER ever give back the two and a half years I was a student at Cal. So it's all good!
Monday, May 17, 2010
EMT Ecstasy
It's been almost 15 years since I took an EMT class for the very first time... and I don't remember it being this much fun. Go figure!?
The expertise of the instructor has a lot to do with whether or not I enjoy any class, and I have to say that this one is top notch. He was a practicing paramedic for something like 6 long years... Well beyond the point of burn-out for most people, and he parlayed that into a teaching career that has spanned more than two decades. Cool! I'm loving his easy going teaching style and great illustrative stories.
When I took my original EMT class, the primary instructor was an Emergency Department RN. She was great, but there is something to be said for actually working in the prehospital environment. The field and the ED may be similar but they are certainly not one and the same. Funny thing... I'm finding myself drawn towards that prehospital environment right now. I'm even wondering if I should try to go to paramedic school. Now that's crazy. That certainly wasn't my plan when I started this class a few weeks ago.
I guess a lot hinges on whether I get into the nursing program in the Fall. Not that I'm dying to be a nurse, but I need to put my considerable medical knowledge to work in a career that pays, emotionally as well as financially. There are several options that I consider more suitable than nursing, but either the duration of the schooling or the financial resources required make those options unrealistic. And I wouldn't say that my husband is unsupportive of me returning to school, but he always says, "The mortgages have to come first." We aren't struggling right now like we were when we first bought out house, but we don't have much of a buffer, either. We need every dollar that we earn.
So anyway, like it or not, nursing is my most likely path right now. I called the local nursing program today to find out when acceptance/rejection letters will be sent out, and I was told, "Either later this afternoon or tomorrow." That's good- that means I should know in a day or two. If I don't get in again, it's back to the drawing board (and maybe paramedic school is a viable option-- who knows). If I do get in, I'll need to get the ball rolling on financial aid ASAP, because it will be a tough sell here at home. I definitely plan to keep working, but full time won't be possible, so I'll need to offset my expenses somehow.
The expertise of the instructor has a lot to do with whether or not I enjoy any class, and I have to say that this one is top notch. He was a practicing paramedic for something like 6 long years... Well beyond the point of burn-out for most people, and he parlayed that into a teaching career that has spanned more than two decades. Cool! I'm loving his easy going teaching style and great illustrative stories.
When I took my original EMT class, the primary instructor was an Emergency Department RN. She was great, but there is something to be said for actually working in the prehospital environment. The field and the ED may be similar but they are certainly not one and the same. Funny thing... I'm finding myself drawn towards that prehospital environment right now. I'm even wondering if I should try to go to paramedic school. Now that's crazy. That certainly wasn't my plan when I started this class a few weeks ago.
I guess a lot hinges on whether I get into the nursing program in the Fall. Not that I'm dying to be a nurse, but I need to put my considerable medical knowledge to work in a career that pays, emotionally as well as financially. There are several options that I consider more suitable than nursing, but either the duration of the schooling or the financial resources required make those options unrealistic. And I wouldn't say that my husband is unsupportive of me returning to school, but he always says, "The mortgages have to come first." We aren't struggling right now like we were when we first bought out house, but we don't have much of a buffer, either. We need every dollar that we earn.
So anyway, like it or not, nursing is my most likely path right now. I called the local nursing program today to find out when acceptance/rejection letters will be sent out, and I was told, "Either later this afternoon or tomorrow." That's good- that means I should know in a day or two. If I don't get in again, it's back to the drawing board (and maybe paramedic school is a viable option-- who knows). If I do get in, I'll need to get the ball rolling on financial aid ASAP, because it will be a tough sell here at home. I definitely plan to keep working, but full time won't be possible, so I'll need to offset my expenses somehow.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To...
...Get the paper. R and I have a weekend routine that consists of eating eggs for breakfast and then walking a few blocks with our dogs to buy a newspaper. Although it would be much cheaper to just subscribe to the paper, we had a bad experience with the delivery person repeatedly missing our house when we first moved in. Several calls to the paper didn't remedy the situation, so we canceled in protest. During the week, R picks it up from a machine at work, but on the weekend we enjoy our walk. Well, a funny thing happened yesterday morning-- runners! Everywhere! We noticed cones delineating a path, then on further inspection found traffic police manning the signals at Anchovy and 25th... Dying of curiosity, I asked what event was taking place. The police officer responded that it was a marathon, half-marathon, and 5K. My curiosity was sufficiently piqued, so the moment we walked in the door with our paper, I got on the internet. It's the Palos Verdes Marathon! Who knew?? One of the oldest marathons in the country, and it takes place in my neighborhood!
I think I'm giong to have to make a goal to run it. Now, mind you, I am NOT a runner. In PE class, I was always one of the fastest on "the mile", and I ran track for a year in highschool, but I was a sprinter. Distance is not my cup of tea. Growing up, my parents did a lot of 10K's, triathlons, and such (and my mom did the Solvang Century on her bicycle), and I feel bad that I ended up becoming such a couch potato. It pains me, it really does. What happened?!
As a teenager/ young adult, I used to always see the ads for the LA Marathon in the newspaper, and I would tell myself, "Someday I'm going to do that." I wanted to run a marathon. In my early twenties I volunteered my EMT skills on the course of an ultramarathon (100 miles) two consecutive years, and that made quite an impression on me as well. Compared with an ultramarathon, surely a standard marathon was within my capabilities.
Well, I had my one go at it- several years ago my mom and I did a USA Fit marathon training program to get into shape. I was living in Whittier at the time and she was in Redondo Beach, but the weekly training was in Huntington Beach and occasionally elsewhere in Orange County. It wasn't exactly convenient for either one of us, but we did it so that we could spend time together. Since we couldn't do our daily runs together, neither of us was all that consistent, but we almost always did the group run. We got into it, buying some of the parapharnalia (shoes of course, as well as fancy fanny pouches that could accomodate a water bottle, and gels). Each of us was living with one of my two grandmothers (both were experiencing health problems and needed assistance) so it was somewhat of an escape. But as the months ticked by, we started to slip on the long runs. The farthest long run we did was the half marathon. When the time came for the actual marathon, we opted to run the half rather than the full. It was a little bit disappointing, but we were glad we didn't quit altogether.
Fast forward a few years, and I developed a knee problem that required two arthroscopic surgeries. It most likely had nothing to do with running, but those months I spent wearing a knee brace and limping around really made an impression upon me. I vowed that when my knee was better I would find a way to be fit, but that I'd never again try to be a runner. Too many runners are plagued by joint problems, and the foretaste I'd had was a major turn off. I still feel that way, though my knee is more or less 100% these days. I own a bike, and I'd love to get into that. I own an expensive pair of inline skates, too. But somehow, nothing is as simple as running. Running is also a lot safer than cycling or skating.
A former coworker of mine does marathons- she's done at least a dozen. She is from Africa, approximately 60 years old and works in the patient transportation department. When she was younger and raising her kids as a single mother, she worked two jobs in EVS at two different medical centers to pay the bills. She is of humble means but has truly found a way to follow her bliss (and to travel) by running marathons. Although I don't work with her directly anymore, I see her from time to time, and I always ask her if she's been in any races lately. She gets a sparkle in her eyes and a lilt in her voice as she regales me with tales of her latest adventure. I admire her for it! She often places for her age group and has almost qualified for Boston. Hopefully she'll have that opportunity! Sometimes when I ask her about her running she tells me that she's going to retire from the full marathon and just do the half, "after one or two more." Spoken like a true running addict! We'll see if she ever stops running the full.
I enjoy living vicariously through my old co-worker, but I have my doubts about trying to run a marathon- because of the implications for my knee, and because I just don't see myself as a runner. The interest just isn't there... Well-- until now! I want to run a marathon in my new hometown! I want to run down the street just blocks from my home! There's something very attractive about that! With a full year before the next race, surely I can develop a training plan or join another training group. And surely just one year of running won't destroy my knee (especially if I lose some weight in the process). Something to think about.
I think I'm giong to have to make a goal to run it. Now, mind you, I am NOT a runner. In PE class, I was always one of the fastest on "the mile", and I ran track for a year in highschool, but I was a sprinter. Distance is not my cup of tea. Growing up, my parents did a lot of 10K's, triathlons, and such (and my mom did the Solvang Century on her bicycle), and I feel bad that I ended up becoming such a couch potato. It pains me, it really does. What happened?!
As a teenager/ young adult, I used to always see the ads for the LA Marathon in the newspaper, and I would tell myself, "Someday I'm going to do that." I wanted to run a marathon. In my early twenties I volunteered my EMT skills on the course of an ultramarathon (100 miles) two consecutive years, and that made quite an impression on me as well. Compared with an ultramarathon, surely a standard marathon was within my capabilities.
Well, I had my one go at it- several years ago my mom and I did a USA Fit marathon training program to get into shape. I was living in Whittier at the time and she was in Redondo Beach, but the weekly training was in Huntington Beach and occasionally elsewhere in Orange County. It wasn't exactly convenient for either one of us, but we did it so that we could spend time together. Since we couldn't do our daily runs together, neither of us was all that consistent, but we almost always did the group run. We got into it, buying some of the parapharnalia (shoes of course, as well as fancy fanny pouches that could accomodate a water bottle, and gels). Each of us was living with one of my two grandmothers (both were experiencing health problems and needed assistance) so it was somewhat of an escape. But as the months ticked by, we started to slip on the long runs. The farthest long run we did was the half marathon. When the time came for the actual marathon, we opted to run the half rather than the full. It was a little bit disappointing, but we were glad we didn't quit altogether.
Fast forward a few years, and I developed a knee problem that required two arthroscopic surgeries. It most likely had nothing to do with running, but those months I spent wearing a knee brace and limping around really made an impression upon me. I vowed that when my knee was better I would find a way to be fit, but that I'd never again try to be a runner. Too many runners are plagued by joint problems, and the foretaste I'd had was a major turn off. I still feel that way, though my knee is more or less 100% these days. I own a bike, and I'd love to get into that. I own an expensive pair of inline skates, too. But somehow, nothing is as simple as running. Running is also a lot safer than cycling or skating.
A former coworker of mine does marathons- she's done at least a dozen. She is from Africa, approximately 60 years old and works in the patient transportation department. When she was younger and raising her kids as a single mother, she worked two jobs in EVS at two different medical centers to pay the bills. She is of humble means but has truly found a way to follow her bliss (and to travel) by running marathons. Although I don't work with her directly anymore, I see her from time to time, and I always ask her if she's been in any races lately. She gets a sparkle in her eyes and a lilt in her voice as she regales me with tales of her latest adventure. I admire her for it! She often places for her age group and has almost qualified for Boston. Hopefully she'll have that opportunity! Sometimes when I ask her about her running she tells me that she's going to retire from the full marathon and just do the half, "after one or two more." Spoken like a true running addict! We'll see if she ever stops running the full.
I enjoy living vicariously through my old co-worker, but I have my doubts about trying to run a marathon- because of the implications for my knee, and because I just don't see myself as a runner. The interest just isn't there... Well-- until now! I want to run a marathon in my new hometown! I want to run down the street just blocks from my home! There's something very attractive about that! With a full year before the next race, surely I can develop a training plan or join another training group. And surely just one year of running won't destroy my knee (especially if I lose some weight in the process). Something to think about.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Class Fun
So far, I'm enjoying my EMT class. It's fun learning something I already know-- I get to feel especially smart (hooray for feeling smart on occasion!). The lack of sleep is a little bit frustrating... On class days I get home between 3:45 and 4:15, but I rarely get to bed before 6:00 pm, then it's up no later than 10:30 to get ready for work. It's tough, but luckily I have easy access to coffee.
The class is very opportune. Last week a team of utilization professionals from the national headquarters for the medical center I work for were in-house to analyze the monitoring system and need for monitor technicians. They're tasked with coming up with a standard for the entire organization- an excellent goal, but who knows what it means for me. If cost cutting measures prevail, it's possible that the organization might do away with humans and just rely on a paging system or phones with a screen that show nurses the abnormal heart rhythms their patients are running. I don't think such a system is ideal (for a variety of reasons), and I voiced my concerns to the professionals when they interviewed my coworker and I. A change will probably not happen right away, but changes are inevitable.
In other news, the nursing manager of the unit where I work is leaving. She has been promoted to Director of Nursing at another facility-- a great move for her, but not one that she chose for herself. A shake-down of sorts is occuring, but what does it all mean? What kind of leadership will fill the void? Specifically, what does it mean for my job? I have no idea. I have to wait and see, which is no easy feat.
My husband has already asked a friend who manages the Emergency Department about the need for EMT's, and (as I figured) the need is great. He relayed to me that even if there are no positions posted, at any given time there is a need for per diem workers and I could probably work 3 twelve hour shifts per week. That's comforting. Before the news about the nursing manager leaving broke, I was hoping to take the evening monitor tech shift. That individual will be starting a different position on June 1st. I expressed my interest to the manager. As someone with high seniority in the department, I should have no trouble transferring... But now that she's leaving, it will probably be complete chaos. I look forward to finishing up my class and having other options!
My class ends mid-June... Around that time, I will hopefully hear from the local community college about whether I've been accepted to the nursing program for the Fall. It's a lottery system, and I've been unlucky the past two tries.... but who knows, perhaps the third time will be the charm. For the rest of the month of June and into July, my plan is to do some serious review of Anatomy, Physiology, and Micro (I've been reviewing, but at a casual pace), because a month or so later (late July or early August, if I'm remembering correctly) I'll be testing on the material. I'm enrolled to take exams through Excelsior College-- testing out will enable me to apply to certain nursing programs (such as Mount St. Mary's in LA) despite the fact that I originally took those prerequisite classes more than a decade ago.
So I should be feeling pretty good about myself and my future by the time summer starts. R and I would like to take our honeymoon in a few months, and I'd like to do that without anything hanging over my head. He wants to go to a tropical locale, like Maui... Sounds fun, but I am so not bikini ready! As mentioned in a prior post, I'm no longer doing Optifast. I'd like to lose more weight, but I don't want to diet. I'd rather boost my metabolism by increasing my muscle mass. Maybe I can start going to the gym? Great plan, but it's going to have to wait. Maybe we should delay the honeymoon until Fall or Winter!
The class is very opportune. Last week a team of utilization professionals from the national headquarters for the medical center I work for were in-house to analyze the monitoring system and need for monitor technicians. They're tasked with coming up with a standard for the entire organization- an excellent goal, but who knows what it means for me. If cost cutting measures prevail, it's possible that the organization might do away with humans and just rely on a paging system or phones with a screen that show nurses the abnormal heart rhythms their patients are running. I don't think such a system is ideal (for a variety of reasons), and I voiced my concerns to the professionals when they interviewed my coworker and I. A change will probably not happen right away, but changes are inevitable.
In other news, the nursing manager of the unit where I work is leaving. She has been promoted to Director of Nursing at another facility-- a great move for her, but not one that she chose for herself. A shake-down of sorts is occuring, but what does it all mean? What kind of leadership will fill the void? Specifically, what does it mean for my job? I have no idea. I have to wait and see, which is no easy feat.
My husband has already asked a friend who manages the Emergency Department about the need for EMT's, and (as I figured) the need is great. He relayed to me that even if there are no positions posted, at any given time there is a need for per diem workers and I could probably work 3 twelve hour shifts per week. That's comforting. Before the news about the nursing manager leaving broke, I was hoping to take the evening monitor tech shift. That individual will be starting a different position on June 1st. I expressed my interest to the manager. As someone with high seniority in the department, I should have no trouble transferring... But now that she's leaving, it will probably be complete chaos. I look forward to finishing up my class and having other options!
My class ends mid-June... Around that time, I will hopefully hear from the local community college about whether I've been accepted to the nursing program for the Fall. It's a lottery system, and I've been unlucky the past two tries.... but who knows, perhaps the third time will be the charm. For the rest of the month of June and into July, my plan is to do some serious review of Anatomy, Physiology, and Micro (I've been reviewing, but at a casual pace), because a month or so later (late July or early August, if I'm remembering correctly) I'll be testing on the material. I'm enrolled to take exams through Excelsior College-- testing out will enable me to apply to certain nursing programs (such as Mount St. Mary's in LA) despite the fact that I originally took those prerequisite classes more than a decade ago.
So I should be feeling pretty good about myself and my future by the time summer starts. R and I would like to take our honeymoon in a few months, and I'd like to do that without anything hanging over my head. He wants to go to a tropical locale, like Maui... Sounds fun, but I am so not bikini ready! As mentioned in a prior post, I'm no longer doing Optifast. I'd like to lose more weight, but I don't want to diet. I'd rather boost my metabolism by increasing my muscle mass. Maybe I can start going to the gym? Great plan, but it's going to have to wait. Maybe we should delay the honeymoon until Fall or Winter!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A Surge of Optimism
I'm feeling good today. I took the step of signing up for a local EMT class. I worked as an EMT full time for 3 years more than a decade ago, and for years after that, I kept the certification up (in fact, I remember one year I was taking Organic Chemistry, and really needed to study for an exam... Instead I found myself taking CEU's last minute so that the EMT certification wouldn't lapse!) Unfortunately, a few years back I allowed it to slip, then missed the recertification grace period by a month... So rather than simply doing a recert class and retesting, I found myself faced with the prospect of taking the entire class over again. It's not a big deal- after years of recertfiying, I know the material like the back of my hand. It should be a very easy undertaking. Why bother, though... it's not like working as an EMT is a career, or that it would pay the bills... But I definitely feel worried about my current position, and I want to keep my options open. Working as an EMT in the Emergency Department with my current employer is something I could do, and if I renewed my phlebotomy, I would qualify for a position that pays better than what I'm doing now. It would be grunt work, but at least it would be interesting.
Perhaps 5 years ago now, I took an Emergency Department Tech course through the Center for Prehospital Care at UCLA. It included 12-Lead EKG and Phlebotomy. I sailed through the class (getting the highest scores in the end, despite being in class with some aspiring MD's), but I was in that phase of prolonged uncertainty about whether I wanted to ultimately work in health care or in planning or design. I didn't do anything with the training, and as fate would have it, the licensing requirements to be a phlebotomist in California changed shortly after I completed the class, so I'll have to retake that, too. Oy! Oh well.
It's a day later (since I started to write this post)... Surge of optimism?? Seriously?! Maybe I'm just excited at the thought of being busy. I don't know. The class is accelerated, so it will only take me two months... That's cool. But it will be two months of sleep deprivation- getting off from work at 8 am, changing clothes, and hopping into my car for a (somewhat) short drive to the class location... Class from 9 am to 3 pm (3 days per week)... Home by 3:30, hopefully in bed by 4 pm, and up by 10:30 to get ready for work. It's doable, but it requires discipline! Luckily, approximately 1/4 of the classes coincide with days off, so it won't be too bad.
Speaking of classes, and discipline or lack there-of... I've officially quit Optifast. After the wedding, I just wasn't "feeling it"... I need to be there, but I don't feel like I can really effect change in my behaviors until the circumstances that prompt me to engage in those behaviors change (read, I get off nights). When will that be? I have no idea. I feel a little bit bad about quitting the class, but only a little bit. R seems to be more disappointed than I am. This evening before work he was making comments, hinting about my weight... Not nice. He doesn't seem to know that men shouldn't go there with their wives. It isn't motivational, really... It pretty much only served to piss me off! Not that I want to be fat... Or do I? I don't, but it is a protective mechanism, a way to hide... And right now my life is uninspiring and I don't feel engaged with it. I guess I am hiding. I don't know. I'm not in a psychoanalytical mood, so I guess I'll sign off and revisit all of this later.
Perhaps 5 years ago now, I took an Emergency Department Tech course through the Center for Prehospital Care at UCLA. It included 12-Lead EKG and Phlebotomy. I sailed through the class (getting the highest scores in the end, despite being in class with some aspiring MD's), but I was in that phase of prolonged uncertainty about whether I wanted to ultimately work in health care or in planning or design. I didn't do anything with the training, and as fate would have it, the licensing requirements to be a phlebotomist in California changed shortly after I completed the class, so I'll have to retake that, too. Oy! Oh well.
It's a day later (since I started to write this post)... Surge of optimism?? Seriously?! Maybe I'm just excited at the thought of being busy. I don't know. The class is accelerated, so it will only take me two months... That's cool. But it will be two months of sleep deprivation- getting off from work at 8 am, changing clothes, and hopping into my car for a (somewhat) short drive to the class location... Class from 9 am to 3 pm (3 days per week)... Home by 3:30, hopefully in bed by 4 pm, and up by 10:30 to get ready for work. It's doable, but it requires discipline! Luckily, approximately 1/4 of the classes coincide with days off, so it won't be too bad.
Speaking of classes, and discipline or lack there-of... I've officially quit Optifast. After the wedding, I just wasn't "feeling it"... I need to be there, but I don't feel like I can really effect change in my behaviors until the circumstances that prompt me to engage in those behaviors change (read, I get off nights). When will that be? I have no idea. I feel a little bit bad about quitting the class, but only a little bit. R seems to be more disappointed than I am. This evening before work he was making comments, hinting about my weight... Not nice. He doesn't seem to know that men shouldn't go there with their wives. It isn't motivational, really... It pretty much only served to piss me off! Not that I want to be fat... Or do I? I don't, but it is a protective mechanism, a way to hide... And right now my life is uninspiring and I don't feel engaged with it. I guess I am hiding. I don't know. I'm not in a psychoanalytical mood, so I guess I'll sign off and revisit all of this later.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Maybe...?
Yesterday was Earth Day. On Channel 7's World News (toward the end of the broadcast) Diane Sawyer mentioned something about a whale that had beached itself and died recently... I wasn't paying attention when she named the location. Suffice to say it was somewhere in the continental USA. Anyway, the contents of the whale's stomach were examined and found to include a pair of sweatpants, a golf ball, and twenty plastic bags. Sad...
Here at work we celebrated Earth Day in style... With an e-waste event. R and I didn't contribute anything, but apparently turn out was pretty good. That makes me happy. So we celebrate "Mother Earth" for one day each year- could be better, could be worse. The manager of the unit that I work on gave me a card which contained some cash- how thoughtful and totally unexpected! Hopefully it's not a parting gift (since apparently she's fighting to keep our jobs right now)!
About mothers... First Earth Day, and next month Mother's day. Funny, it's a club I'm less ambivalent about joining. R and I haven't been practicing "safe sex" since we've been married, and I'm ok with that. In fact, I feel funny as I sit and write this. Could it be? Hmm. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think it could be. I've only been down this road once before, and it was four years ago, but I remember what I felt like, and it was not unlike this. When I get off work in a few hours, I have a few errands to make. I plan to stop at Target and pick a few things up, including some vitamins (better late than not at all) and some tests. Feeling nervous about the whole thing!
Ok, it's half a day later now, and I think I'm losing my mind. But hey, what else is new?? Sometimes, when women are desperate to be mommies, they will it to happen with such fervor that they become symptomatic. At least I've read and heard of this happening. It can't be happening to me, though! I'm not that type! Or am I?? Approximately two weeks ago, my breasts started to feel extra sensitive, and then for most of last night/ this morning at work I felt nauseated... Picked up a package of tests at Target on my way home from work, used one right when I walked in the door, and it was negative. Now, I didn't test with first pee of the day, and my period isn't exactly overdue yet... So I guess it's still possible that what I was feeling was real. I think I'll give it a few days before I try another test. Actually, I'm suddenly feeling very crampy. I guess my period is on it's way and this was all an interesting figment of my imagination. Funny, because I'm not desperate to be a mother. On the other hand, perhaps I am desperate to know that I'm fertile. Years on the pill plus one miscarriage equals a whole lot of uncertainty about whether or not I can even create and nurture a life. Add to that one husband 15 years my senior, and there's definitely reason for concern, at least if our plan is to be parents.
Update: Yes, I got my period, and yes, I think I was probably pregnant for a week or two. Early miscarriages are very common. Old eggs plus old sperm = not such a big surprise, really.
Here at work we celebrated Earth Day in style... With an e-waste event. R and I didn't contribute anything, but apparently turn out was pretty good. That makes me happy. So we celebrate "Mother Earth" for one day each year- could be better, could be worse. The manager of the unit that I work on gave me a card which contained some cash- how thoughtful and totally unexpected! Hopefully it's not a parting gift (since apparently she's fighting to keep our jobs right now)!
About mothers... First Earth Day, and next month Mother's day. Funny, it's a club I'm less ambivalent about joining. R and I haven't been practicing "safe sex" since we've been married, and I'm ok with that. In fact, I feel funny as I sit and write this. Could it be? Hmm. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think it could be. I've only been down this road once before, and it was four years ago, but I remember what I felt like, and it was not unlike this. When I get off work in a few hours, I have a few errands to make. I plan to stop at Target and pick a few things up, including some vitamins (better late than not at all) and some tests. Feeling nervous about the whole thing!
Ok, it's half a day later now, and I think I'm losing my mind. But hey, what else is new?? Sometimes, when women are desperate to be mommies, they will it to happen with such fervor that they become symptomatic. At least I've read and heard of this happening. It can't be happening to me, though! I'm not that type! Or am I?? Approximately two weeks ago, my breasts started to feel extra sensitive, and then for most of last night/ this morning at work I felt nauseated... Picked up a package of tests at Target on my way home from work, used one right when I walked in the door, and it was negative. Now, I didn't test with first pee of the day, and my period isn't exactly overdue yet... So I guess it's still possible that what I was feeling was real. I think I'll give it a few days before I try another test. Actually, I'm suddenly feeling very crampy. I guess my period is on it's way and this was all an interesting figment of my imagination. Funny, because I'm not desperate to be a mother. On the other hand, perhaps I am desperate to know that I'm fertile. Years on the pill plus one miscarriage equals a whole lot of uncertainty about whether or not I can even create and nurture a life. Add to that one husband 15 years my senior, and there's definitely reason for concern, at least if our plan is to be parents.
Update: Yes, I got my period, and yes, I think I was probably pregnant for a week or two. Early miscarriages are very common. Old eggs plus old sperm = not such a big surprise, really.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Getting a Grip
I've got to get a grip on my "behavior problems" (namely, the arriving to work late nearly every night). I interviewed with my husband's coworker/ friend for his administrative support position, but in a field of 12 candidates who snagged interviews, I wasn't the most qualified. It's just as well, really... The bulk of the job was data entry, and I can't imagine a more miserable way to spend my working hours. Besides that, the position would have taken me away from patient care and out of the UHW union that I belong to. Leaving the union would have been a blessing in terms of take-home pay, but it would have been a step backwards if I intend to pursue a career in Nursing. Why- because the union periodically sponsors employees to further their education. The agreement: a cut in hours worked without an equivalent cut in pay, and in exchange the employee agrees to continue to work for the employer for some period of time. It's an altogether good arrangement, because of the financial assistance but also because of the guarantee of a job when all is said and done. I'd hate to give up that option.
So without the thought of some other job waiting for me, I need to be invested in the one I already have. Easier said than done... I'm tired of working nights. I need to reframe how I view my circumstances. I need an attitude adjustment! And I think I need to go back to school-- sooner rather than later.
I've always been interested in earning an MPH, and there are online programs for doing so. The best among them: Johns Hopkins. An MPH makes sense for me for many reasons. Chief among them: Public Health pulls together my academic career better than anything else. I was a Nursing student, then a Bio major, and finally earned my degree in Geography. After earning my degree, I earned a certificate in Geographic Information Systems... One practical application for GIS is in Epidemiology and Public Health. It's a great fit. My alma mater has an excellent School of Public Health, and I was very close to applying to it before I left the area and came home to Southern California. My life circumstances made it especially appealing-- my father was ill with a terminal disease, and his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer just months ahead of his diagnosis. At the time, they were living in Redondo Beach in a townhouse with a view from their balcony of a power plant near the ocean. I remember thinking to myself that it was odd- my stepmother had no family history of breast cancer yet contracted it when she was approximately 32, younger than I am now. My healthy father contracting a rare illness... It just didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder if there was something in their environment that had made them ill. It wasn't that I necessarily thought it was the power plant... But it was a visible symbol of the fact that there were things in their environment that could be dangerous.
I didn't apply to the program. It is just one of many Master's and other degree programs that I almost applied to. Earlier in this blog I detailed the academic programs I've "quit" on, and it was a surprisingly short list. But when I consider all the programs I seriously considered, all the programs I began an application for, ordered expensive transcripts for, and invested countless hours in, the list is pretty staggering. Why didn't I follow through? Oh, there are so many reasons. A big one is that I was conflicted- torn between following my heart with a career in a design-oriented field (like landscape architecture or urban planning) or pursing something in health care. I couldn't resolve that issue. The process of making peace with my wants and needs took longer than I would have liked because I was living in immense grief, and it was paralyzing.
Now, as I work my somewhat dead-end job that someone without much education could do (and do well, with a bit of intelligence and dedication), it's easy to feel sorry for myself. Luckily, I'm past that phase! I spent a lot of time feeling hopeless and wallowing before I got this job- all of my big plans to be successful and to be ahead of the game (with a family, a home, a pension) hadn't yielded any results. All of my years sacrificing as a student, forgoing pleasure to be "ahead of the game"- I used to feel hopeless about my failure. No more. I can't regret anything, and I won't. But now, I must move forward!
Researching the program options at Johns Hopkins has yielded another option beside the MPH- there is an internet based Master in Health Science in Occupational Health and Environmental Science. Such a degree would qualify me to work in the field that my husband works in, or in Risk Assessment. He loves it! So it's something to consider. If I go in that direction, I will need to retake the GRE (my scores are more than 5 years old) and I'll need to find 3 supportive individuals to write letters of recommendation (never a pleasant task). If I want to apply, the deadline is June 1st... Can I do it? Do I want to do it? Stay tuned!
So without the thought of some other job waiting for me, I need to be invested in the one I already have. Easier said than done... I'm tired of working nights. I need to reframe how I view my circumstances. I need an attitude adjustment! And I think I need to go back to school-- sooner rather than later.
I've always been interested in earning an MPH, and there are online programs for doing so. The best among them: Johns Hopkins. An MPH makes sense for me for many reasons. Chief among them: Public Health pulls together my academic career better than anything else. I was a Nursing student, then a Bio major, and finally earned my degree in Geography. After earning my degree, I earned a certificate in Geographic Information Systems... One practical application for GIS is in Epidemiology and Public Health. It's a great fit. My alma mater has an excellent School of Public Health, and I was very close to applying to it before I left the area and came home to Southern California. My life circumstances made it especially appealing-- my father was ill with a terminal disease, and his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer just months ahead of his diagnosis. At the time, they were living in Redondo Beach in a townhouse with a view from their balcony of a power plant near the ocean. I remember thinking to myself that it was odd- my stepmother had no family history of breast cancer yet contracted it when she was approximately 32, younger than I am now. My healthy father contracting a rare illness... It just didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder if there was something in their environment that had made them ill. It wasn't that I necessarily thought it was the power plant... But it was a visible symbol of the fact that there were things in their environment that could be dangerous.
I didn't apply to the program. It is just one of many Master's and other degree programs that I almost applied to. Earlier in this blog I detailed the academic programs I've "quit" on, and it was a surprisingly short list. But when I consider all the programs I seriously considered, all the programs I began an application for, ordered expensive transcripts for, and invested countless hours in, the list is pretty staggering. Why didn't I follow through? Oh, there are so many reasons. A big one is that I was conflicted- torn between following my heart with a career in a design-oriented field (like landscape architecture or urban planning) or pursing something in health care. I couldn't resolve that issue. The process of making peace with my wants and needs took longer than I would have liked because I was living in immense grief, and it was paralyzing.
Now, as I work my somewhat dead-end job that someone without much education could do (and do well, with a bit of intelligence and dedication), it's easy to feel sorry for myself. Luckily, I'm past that phase! I spent a lot of time feeling hopeless and wallowing before I got this job- all of my big plans to be successful and to be ahead of the game (with a family, a home, a pension) hadn't yielded any results. All of my years sacrificing as a student, forgoing pleasure to be "ahead of the game"- I used to feel hopeless about my failure. No more. I can't regret anything, and I won't. But now, I must move forward!
Researching the program options at Johns Hopkins has yielded another option beside the MPH- there is an internet based Master in Health Science in Occupational Health and Environmental Science. Such a degree would qualify me to work in the field that my husband works in, or in Risk Assessment. He loves it! So it's something to consider. If I go in that direction, I will need to retake the GRE (my scores are more than 5 years old) and I'll need to find 3 supportive individuals to write letters of recommendation (never a pleasant task). If I want to apply, the deadline is June 1st... Can I do it? Do I want to do it? Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Boredom
You always hear about honor students who develop behavior problems in the classroom setting because they aren't being challenged enough... This is what my life has become!
Wait, let me rephrase that- I'm not saying that I'm an honor student... Not exactly, anyway! I am "gifted" in few undesirable areas of life... (procrastination, anyone??) but let's not go there!
Well, although I'm not exactly an honor student, I do feel overqualified in my present position, and it has lead to some behavior issues... Namely, I seem to be late to work every night. I've always struggled with being prompt, but lately it's a losing battle. The truth is, I'm bored. I'm tired of my job.
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of being able to bask in my boredom right now. Despite better than expected job growth numbers released by the government last month, the US economy is still bad. I can't afford to be flippant about my job or allow myself to indulge in the unsavory manifestations of boredom. I've got to get (and hold it) together! What to do, what to do.
My job is not good for my health. Research has shown as much- the graveyard schedule stinks. Night shift workers are fatter than day shift workers and have shorter life expectancies (nice). I also seem to have too much time on my hands every night- too few responsibilities and too little brain stimulation. This is a double-edged sword. The amount of time that I have means that I could be doing homework for an online Master's Degree right now (if I could figure out what to study and scrounge together funding for it). Or I could be doing any number of things. As it is, I've been coloring in an old Physiology coloring book. Some nights I take a Spanish for Health Care Providers book with me and peruse that, other nights I read up on Clinical Microbiology, and I always have an EKG book with me. I try to keep my activities relevant, but there are times when I end up knee-deep in "fluffy" magazines that the day time monitor tech has left in our work area. I know that my free time is a blessing if only I'll look at it that way, but it's hard being self motivated, and it's hard doing so when I'd rather be at home sleeping beside my husband.
I've been feeling as though this internal conflict were coming to a head... and lo and behold, it is. This morning I learned from the nursing manager that our jobs may be in jeopardy. We'll be logging our activities a little bit differently from now on so that upper management can see exactly what it is that we do. It's an important job, and the slow times are balanced by occasional critical incidents (someone dying- we're the first to know when a heart is in trouble!). This is welcome news for me- I welcome the opportunity to prove my worth. Then again, what if our positions cannot be salvaged?
Coincidentally, a friend of my husband's at work is looking for an administrative assistant. I took a series of tests at human resources last week in order to qualify (typing, MS Word, MS Excel). I passed the typing test but did a mediocre job on the rest... I've been a Mac user for several years now, so my Microsoft skills are a little bit soft. I'm assuming that the friend has received my scores and transfer request by now, but I haven't heard anything from him. I'm torn... Obviously, I'm ready for a change, and given what's happening with my current position, maybe now is the perfect time to jump ship. But on the other hand, do I really want to be an administrative support person? I could do it for a while, and it would be awesome to work days again (I could even carpool with Robert in the new car)... I might be able to use the position as a "jumping off" point for something else on the administrative end... It would be cool to have weekends off... But it's most definitely not my dream job!
So I don't know. I seem to be very angst riddled and gloomy this week. So much uncertainty. There are moments when I say to myself, "Hey, give it a go. What do you have to lose?!" but the thing is, what if I get into the nursing program at LA Harbor College next semester? I can make that work with night shift. There's plenty of time for studying, and I could probably trade and/or give up shifts in order to get enough sleep with my studies for two years. This other job? Not so much. But then of course I'm back to that age-old question again- do I want to be a nurse? In a specialty or with an advanced degree, yes. On a med-surg floor wiping poopie bottoms? Definitely not! AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm confused. I need sleep!
What else is on my mind? The new car we (well, my husband) just bought? A Mini Cooper. I still haven't ridden in it! It's not exactly the most baby friendly car on the market. So does his selection of this car signal that he really doesn't want a baby? I shouldn't read into things, and my own car is extremely baby friendly. I wish I could sort that out- will we or won't we? It's just one more thing on my mind.
Ah, yes, and to church or not to church... I'm leaning towards trying out one of the alternative services at Rolling Hills Covenant (it's a big church about five miles from home). There, I've said it. That's what I'd like to do... But will I?? Can I get past all of my reservations and irritations with Christianity?
Wait, let me rephrase that- I'm not saying that I'm an honor student... Not exactly, anyway! I am "gifted" in few undesirable areas of life... (procrastination, anyone??) but let's not go there!
Well, although I'm not exactly an honor student, I do feel overqualified in my present position, and it has lead to some behavior issues... Namely, I seem to be late to work every night. I've always struggled with being prompt, but lately it's a losing battle. The truth is, I'm bored. I'm tired of my job.
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of being able to bask in my boredom right now. Despite better than expected job growth numbers released by the government last month, the US economy is still bad. I can't afford to be flippant about my job or allow myself to indulge in the unsavory manifestations of boredom. I've got to get (and hold it) together! What to do, what to do.
My job is not good for my health. Research has shown as much- the graveyard schedule stinks. Night shift workers are fatter than day shift workers and have shorter life expectancies (nice). I also seem to have too much time on my hands every night- too few responsibilities and too little brain stimulation. This is a double-edged sword. The amount of time that I have means that I could be doing homework for an online Master's Degree right now (if I could figure out what to study and scrounge together funding for it). Or I could be doing any number of things. As it is, I've been coloring in an old Physiology coloring book. Some nights I take a Spanish for Health Care Providers book with me and peruse that, other nights I read up on Clinical Microbiology, and I always have an EKG book with me. I try to keep my activities relevant, but there are times when I end up knee-deep in "fluffy" magazines that the day time monitor tech has left in our work area. I know that my free time is a blessing if only I'll look at it that way, but it's hard being self motivated, and it's hard doing so when I'd rather be at home sleeping beside my husband.
I've been feeling as though this internal conflict were coming to a head... and lo and behold, it is. This morning I learned from the nursing manager that our jobs may be in jeopardy. We'll be logging our activities a little bit differently from now on so that upper management can see exactly what it is that we do. It's an important job, and the slow times are balanced by occasional critical incidents (someone dying- we're the first to know when a heart is in trouble!). This is welcome news for me- I welcome the opportunity to prove my worth. Then again, what if our positions cannot be salvaged?
Coincidentally, a friend of my husband's at work is looking for an administrative assistant. I took a series of tests at human resources last week in order to qualify (typing, MS Word, MS Excel). I passed the typing test but did a mediocre job on the rest... I've been a Mac user for several years now, so my Microsoft skills are a little bit soft. I'm assuming that the friend has received my scores and transfer request by now, but I haven't heard anything from him. I'm torn... Obviously, I'm ready for a change, and given what's happening with my current position, maybe now is the perfect time to jump ship. But on the other hand, do I really want to be an administrative support person? I could do it for a while, and it would be awesome to work days again (I could even carpool with Robert in the new car)... I might be able to use the position as a "jumping off" point for something else on the administrative end... It would be cool to have weekends off... But it's most definitely not my dream job!
So I don't know. I seem to be very angst riddled and gloomy this week. So much uncertainty. There are moments when I say to myself, "Hey, give it a go. What do you have to lose?!" but the thing is, what if I get into the nursing program at LA Harbor College next semester? I can make that work with night shift. There's plenty of time for studying, and I could probably trade and/or give up shifts in order to get enough sleep with my studies for two years. This other job? Not so much. But then of course I'm back to that age-old question again- do I want to be a nurse? In a specialty or with an advanced degree, yes. On a med-surg floor wiping poopie bottoms? Definitely not! AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm confused. I need sleep!
What else is on my mind? The new car we (well, my husband) just bought? A Mini Cooper. I still haven't ridden in it! It's not exactly the most baby friendly car on the market. So does his selection of this car signal that he really doesn't want a baby? I shouldn't read into things, and my own car is extremely baby friendly. I wish I could sort that out- will we or won't we? It's just one more thing on my mind.
Ah, yes, and to church or not to church... I'm leaning towards trying out one of the alternative services at Rolling Hills Covenant (it's a big church about five miles from home). There, I've said it. That's what I'd like to do... But will I?? Can I get past all of my reservations and irritations with Christianity?
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