I'm feeling good today. I took the step of signing up for a local EMT class. I worked as an EMT full time for 3 years more than a decade ago, and for years after that, I kept the certification up (in fact, I remember one year I was taking Organic Chemistry, and really needed to study for an exam... Instead I found myself taking CEU's last minute so that the EMT certification wouldn't lapse!) Unfortunately, a few years back I allowed it to slip, then missed the recertification grace period by a month... So rather than simply doing a recert class and retesting, I found myself faced with the prospect of taking the entire class over again. It's not a big deal- after years of recertfiying, I know the material like the back of my hand. It should be a very easy undertaking. Why bother, though... it's not like working as an EMT is a career, or that it would pay the bills... But I definitely feel worried about my current position, and I want to keep my options open. Working as an EMT in the Emergency Department with my current employer is something I could do, and if I renewed my phlebotomy, I would qualify for a position that pays better than what I'm doing now. It would be grunt work, but at least it would be interesting.
Perhaps 5 years ago now, I took an Emergency Department Tech course through the Center for Prehospital Care at UCLA. It included 12-Lead EKG and Phlebotomy. I sailed through the class (getting the highest scores in the end, despite being in class with some aspiring MD's), but I was in that phase of prolonged uncertainty about whether I wanted to ultimately work in health care or in planning or design. I didn't do anything with the training, and as fate would have it, the licensing requirements to be a phlebotomist in California changed shortly after I completed the class, so I'll have to retake that, too. Oy! Oh well.
It's a day later (since I started to write this post)... Surge of optimism?? Seriously?! Maybe I'm just excited at the thought of being busy. I don't know. The class is accelerated, so it will only take me two months... That's cool. But it will be two months of sleep deprivation- getting off from work at 8 am, changing clothes, and hopping into my car for a (somewhat) short drive to the class location... Class from 9 am to 3 pm (3 days per week)... Home by 3:30, hopefully in bed by 4 pm, and up by 10:30 to get ready for work. It's doable, but it requires discipline! Luckily, approximately 1/4 of the classes coincide with days off, so it won't be too bad.
Speaking of classes, and discipline or lack there-of... I've officially quit Optifast. After the wedding, I just wasn't "feeling it"... I need to be there, but I don't feel like I can really effect change in my behaviors until the circumstances that prompt me to engage in those behaviors change (read, I get off nights). When will that be? I have no idea. I feel a little bit bad about quitting the class, but only a little bit. R seems to be more disappointed than I am. This evening before work he was making comments, hinting about my weight... Not nice. He doesn't seem to know that men shouldn't go there with their wives. It isn't motivational, really... It pretty much only served to piss me off! Not that I want to be fat... Or do I? I don't, but it is a protective mechanism, a way to hide... And right now my life is uninspiring and I don't feel engaged with it. I guess I am hiding. I don't know. I'm not in a psychoanalytical mood, so I guess I'll sign off and revisit all of this later.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Maybe...?
Yesterday was Earth Day. On Channel 7's World News (toward the end of the broadcast) Diane Sawyer mentioned something about a whale that had beached itself and died recently... I wasn't paying attention when she named the location. Suffice to say it was somewhere in the continental USA. Anyway, the contents of the whale's stomach were examined and found to include a pair of sweatpants, a golf ball, and twenty plastic bags. Sad...
Here at work we celebrated Earth Day in style... With an e-waste event. R and I didn't contribute anything, but apparently turn out was pretty good. That makes me happy. So we celebrate "Mother Earth" for one day each year- could be better, could be worse. The manager of the unit that I work on gave me a card which contained some cash- how thoughtful and totally unexpected! Hopefully it's not a parting gift (since apparently she's fighting to keep our jobs right now)!
About mothers... First Earth Day, and next month Mother's day. Funny, it's a club I'm less ambivalent about joining. R and I haven't been practicing "safe sex" since we've been married, and I'm ok with that. In fact, I feel funny as I sit and write this. Could it be? Hmm. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think it could be. I've only been down this road once before, and it was four years ago, but I remember what I felt like, and it was not unlike this. When I get off work in a few hours, I have a few errands to make. I plan to stop at Target and pick a few things up, including some vitamins (better late than not at all) and some tests. Feeling nervous about the whole thing!
Ok, it's half a day later now, and I think I'm losing my mind. But hey, what else is new?? Sometimes, when women are desperate to be mommies, they will it to happen with such fervor that they become symptomatic. At least I've read and heard of this happening. It can't be happening to me, though! I'm not that type! Or am I?? Approximately two weeks ago, my breasts started to feel extra sensitive, and then for most of last night/ this morning at work I felt nauseated... Picked up a package of tests at Target on my way home from work, used one right when I walked in the door, and it was negative. Now, I didn't test with first pee of the day, and my period isn't exactly overdue yet... So I guess it's still possible that what I was feeling was real. I think I'll give it a few days before I try another test. Actually, I'm suddenly feeling very crampy. I guess my period is on it's way and this was all an interesting figment of my imagination. Funny, because I'm not desperate to be a mother. On the other hand, perhaps I am desperate to know that I'm fertile. Years on the pill plus one miscarriage equals a whole lot of uncertainty about whether or not I can even create and nurture a life. Add to that one husband 15 years my senior, and there's definitely reason for concern, at least if our plan is to be parents.
Update: Yes, I got my period, and yes, I think I was probably pregnant for a week or two. Early miscarriages are very common. Old eggs plus old sperm = not such a big surprise, really.
Here at work we celebrated Earth Day in style... With an e-waste event. R and I didn't contribute anything, but apparently turn out was pretty good. That makes me happy. So we celebrate "Mother Earth" for one day each year- could be better, could be worse. The manager of the unit that I work on gave me a card which contained some cash- how thoughtful and totally unexpected! Hopefully it's not a parting gift (since apparently she's fighting to keep our jobs right now)!
About mothers... First Earth Day, and next month Mother's day. Funny, it's a club I'm less ambivalent about joining. R and I haven't been practicing "safe sex" since we've been married, and I'm ok with that. In fact, I feel funny as I sit and write this. Could it be? Hmm. I don't want to jinx myself, but I think it could be. I've only been down this road once before, and it was four years ago, but I remember what I felt like, and it was not unlike this. When I get off work in a few hours, I have a few errands to make. I plan to stop at Target and pick a few things up, including some vitamins (better late than not at all) and some tests. Feeling nervous about the whole thing!
Ok, it's half a day later now, and I think I'm losing my mind. But hey, what else is new?? Sometimes, when women are desperate to be mommies, they will it to happen with such fervor that they become symptomatic. At least I've read and heard of this happening. It can't be happening to me, though! I'm not that type! Or am I?? Approximately two weeks ago, my breasts started to feel extra sensitive, and then for most of last night/ this morning at work I felt nauseated... Picked up a package of tests at Target on my way home from work, used one right when I walked in the door, and it was negative. Now, I didn't test with first pee of the day, and my period isn't exactly overdue yet... So I guess it's still possible that what I was feeling was real. I think I'll give it a few days before I try another test. Actually, I'm suddenly feeling very crampy. I guess my period is on it's way and this was all an interesting figment of my imagination. Funny, because I'm not desperate to be a mother. On the other hand, perhaps I am desperate to know that I'm fertile. Years on the pill plus one miscarriage equals a whole lot of uncertainty about whether or not I can even create and nurture a life. Add to that one husband 15 years my senior, and there's definitely reason for concern, at least if our plan is to be parents.
Update: Yes, I got my period, and yes, I think I was probably pregnant for a week or two. Early miscarriages are very common. Old eggs plus old sperm = not such a big surprise, really.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Getting a Grip
I've got to get a grip on my "behavior problems" (namely, the arriving to work late nearly every night). I interviewed with my husband's coworker/ friend for his administrative support position, but in a field of 12 candidates who snagged interviews, I wasn't the most qualified. It's just as well, really... The bulk of the job was data entry, and I can't imagine a more miserable way to spend my working hours. Besides that, the position would have taken me away from patient care and out of the UHW union that I belong to. Leaving the union would have been a blessing in terms of take-home pay, but it would have been a step backwards if I intend to pursue a career in Nursing. Why- because the union periodically sponsors employees to further their education. The agreement: a cut in hours worked without an equivalent cut in pay, and in exchange the employee agrees to continue to work for the employer for some period of time. It's an altogether good arrangement, because of the financial assistance but also because of the guarantee of a job when all is said and done. I'd hate to give up that option.
So without the thought of some other job waiting for me, I need to be invested in the one I already have. Easier said than done... I'm tired of working nights. I need to reframe how I view my circumstances. I need an attitude adjustment! And I think I need to go back to school-- sooner rather than later.
I've always been interested in earning an MPH, and there are online programs for doing so. The best among them: Johns Hopkins. An MPH makes sense for me for many reasons. Chief among them: Public Health pulls together my academic career better than anything else. I was a Nursing student, then a Bio major, and finally earned my degree in Geography. After earning my degree, I earned a certificate in Geographic Information Systems... One practical application for GIS is in Epidemiology and Public Health. It's a great fit. My alma mater has an excellent School of Public Health, and I was very close to applying to it before I left the area and came home to Southern California. My life circumstances made it especially appealing-- my father was ill with a terminal disease, and his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer just months ahead of his diagnosis. At the time, they were living in Redondo Beach in a townhouse with a view from their balcony of a power plant near the ocean. I remember thinking to myself that it was odd- my stepmother had no family history of breast cancer yet contracted it when she was approximately 32, younger than I am now. My healthy father contracting a rare illness... It just didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder if there was something in their environment that had made them ill. It wasn't that I necessarily thought it was the power plant... But it was a visible symbol of the fact that there were things in their environment that could be dangerous.
I didn't apply to the program. It is just one of many Master's and other degree programs that I almost applied to. Earlier in this blog I detailed the academic programs I've "quit" on, and it was a surprisingly short list. But when I consider all the programs I seriously considered, all the programs I began an application for, ordered expensive transcripts for, and invested countless hours in, the list is pretty staggering. Why didn't I follow through? Oh, there are so many reasons. A big one is that I was conflicted- torn between following my heart with a career in a design-oriented field (like landscape architecture or urban planning) or pursing something in health care. I couldn't resolve that issue. The process of making peace with my wants and needs took longer than I would have liked because I was living in immense grief, and it was paralyzing.
Now, as I work my somewhat dead-end job that someone without much education could do (and do well, with a bit of intelligence and dedication), it's easy to feel sorry for myself. Luckily, I'm past that phase! I spent a lot of time feeling hopeless and wallowing before I got this job- all of my big plans to be successful and to be ahead of the game (with a family, a home, a pension) hadn't yielded any results. All of my years sacrificing as a student, forgoing pleasure to be "ahead of the game"- I used to feel hopeless about my failure. No more. I can't regret anything, and I won't. But now, I must move forward!
Researching the program options at Johns Hopkins has yielded another option beside the MPH- there is an internet based Master in Health Science in Occupational Health and Environmental Science. Such a degree would qualify me to work in the field that my husband works in, or in Risk Assessment. He loves it! So it's something to consider. If I go in that direction, I will need to retake the GRE (my scores are more than 5 years old) and I'll need to find 3 supportive individuals to write letters of recommendation (never a pleasant task). If I want to apply, the deadline is June 1st... Can I do it? Do I want to do it? Stay tuned!
So without the thought of some other job waiting for me, I need to be invested in the one I already have. Easier said than done... I'm tired of working nights. I need to reframe how I view my circumstances. I need an attitude adjustment! And I think I need to go back to school-- sooner rather than later.
I've always been interested in earning an MPH, and there are online programs for doing so. The best among them: Johns Hopkins. An MPH makes sense for me for many reasons. Chief among them: Public Health pulls together my academic career better than anything else. I was a Nursing student, then a Bio major, and finally earned my degree in Geography. After earning my degree, I earned a certificate in Geographic Information Systems... One practical application for GIS is in Epidemiology and Public Health. It's a great fit. My alma mater has an excellent School of Public Health, and I was very close to applying to it before I left the area and came home to Southern California. My life circumstances made it especially appealing-- my father was ill with a terminal disease, and his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer just months ahead of his diagnosis. At the time, they were living in Redondo Beach in a townhouse with a view from their balcony of a power plant near the ocean. I remember thinking to myself that it was odd- my stepmother had no family history of breast cancer yet contracted it when she was approximately 32, younger than I am now. My healthy father contracting a rare illness... It just didn't make sense to me. I began to wonder if there was something in their environment that had made them ill. It wasn't that I necessarily thought it was the power plant... But it was a visible symbol of the fact that there were things in their environment that could be dangerous.
I didn't apply to the program. It is just one of many Master's and other degree programs that I almost applied to. Earlier in this blog I detailed the academic programs I've "quit" on, and it was a surprisingly short list. But when I consider all the programs I seriously considered, all the programs I began an application for, ordered expensive transcripts for, and invested countless hours in, the list is pretty staggering. Why didn't I follow through? Oh, there are so many reasons. A big one is that I was conflicted- torn between following my heart with a career in a design-oriented field (like landscape architecture or urban planning) or pursing something in health care. I couldn't resolve that issue. The process of making peace with my wants and needs took longer than I would have liked because I was living in immense grief, and it was paralyzing.
Now, as I work my somewhat dead-end job that someone without much education could do (and do well, with a bit of intelligence and dedication), it's easy to feel sorry for myself. Luckily, I'm past that phase! I spent a lot of time feeling hopeless and wallowing before I got this job- all of my big plans to be successful and to be ahead of the game (with a family, a home, a pension) hadn't yielded any results. All of my years sacrificing as a student, forgoing pleasure to be "ahead of the game"- I used to feel hopeless about my failure. No more. I can't regret anything, and I won't. But now, I must move forward!
Researching the program options at Johns Hopkins has yielded another option beside the MPH- there is an internet based Master in Health Science in Occupational Health and Environmental Science. Such a degree would qualify me to work in the field that my husband works in, or in Risk Assessment. He loves it! So it's something to consider. If I go in that direction, I will need to retake the GRE (my scores are more than 5 years old) and I'll need to find 3 supportive individuals to write letters of recommendation (never a pleasant task). If I want to apply, the deadline is June 1st... Can I do it? Do I want to do it? Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Boredom
You always hear about honor students who develop behavior problems in the classroom setting because they aren't being challenged enough... This is what my life has become!
Wait, let me rephrase that- I'm not saying that I'm an honor student... Not exactly, anyway! I am "gifted" in few undesirable areas of life... (procrastination, anyone??) but let's not go there!
Well, although I'm not exactly an honor student, I do feel overqualified in my present position, and it has lead to some behavior issues... Namely, I seem to be late to work every night. I've always struggled with being prompt, but lately it's a losing battle. The truth is, I'm bored. I'm tired of my job.
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of being able to bask in my boredom right now. Despite better than expected job growth numbers released by the government last month, the US economy is still bad. I can't afford to be flippant about my job or allow myself to indulge in the unsavory manifestations of boredom. I've got to get (and hold it) together! What to do, what to do.
My job is not good for my health. Research has shown as much- the graveyard schedule stinks. Night shift workers are fatter than day shift workers and have shorter life expectancies (nice). I also seem to have too much time on my hands every night- too few responsibilities and too little brain stimulation. This is a double-edged sword. The amount of time that I have means that I could be doing homework for an online Master's Degree right now (if I could figure out what to study and scrounge together funding for it). Or I could be doing any number of things. As it is, I've been coloring in an old Physiology coloring book. Some nights I take a Spanish for Health Care Providers book with me and peruse that, other nights I read up on Clinical Microbiology, and I always have an EKG book with me. I try to keep my activities relevant, but there are times when I end up knee-deep in "fluffy" magazines that the day time monitor tech has left in our work area. I know that my free time is a blessing if only I'll look at it that way, but it's hard being self motivated, and it's hard doing so when I'd rather be at home sleeping beside my husband.
I've been feeling as though this internal conflict were coming to a head... and lo and behold, it is. This morning I learned from the nursing manager that our jobs may be in jeopardy. We'll be logging our activities a little bit differently from now on so that upper management can see exactly what it is that we do. It's an important job, and the slow times are balanced by occasional critical incidents (someone dying- we're the first to know when a heart is in trouble!). This is welcome news for me- I welcome the opportunity to prove my worth. Then again, what if our positions cannot be salvaged?
Coincidentally, a friend of my husband's at work is looking for an administrative assistant. I took a series of tests at human resources last week in order to qualify (typing, MS Word, MS Excel). I passed the typing test but did a mediocre job on the rest... I've been a Mac user for several years now, so my Microsoft skills are a little bit soft. I'm assuming that the friend has received my scores and transfer request by now, but I haven't heard anything from him. I'm torn... Obviously, I'm ready for a change, and given what's happening with my current position, maybe now is the perfect time to jump ship. But on the other hand, do I really want to be an administrative support person? I could do it for a while, and it would be awesome to work days again (I could even carpool with Robert in the new car)... I might be able to use the position as a "jumping off" point for something else on the administrative end... It would be cool to have weekends off... But it's most definitely not my dream job!
So I don't know. I seem to be very angst riddled and gloomy this week. So much uncertainty. There are moments when I say to myself, "Hey, give it a go. What do you have to lose?!" but the thing is, what if I get into the nursing program at LA Harbor College next semester? I can make that work with night shift. There's plenty of time for studying, and I could probably trade and/or give up shifts in order to get enough sleep with my studies for two years. This other job? Not so much. But then of course I'm back to that age-old question again- do I want to be a nurse? In a specialty or with an advanced degree, yes. On a med-surg floor wiping poopie bottoms? Definitely not! AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm confused. I need sleep!
What else is on my mind? The new car we (well, my husband) just bought? A Mini Cooper. I still haven't ridden in it! It's not exactly the most baby friendly car on the market. So does his selection of this car signal that he really doesn't want a baby? I shouldn't read into things, and my own car is extremely baby friendly. I wish I could sort that out- will we or won't we? It's just one more thing on my mind.
Ah, yes, and to church or not to church... I'm leaning towards trying out one of the alternative services at Rolling Hills Covenant (it's a big church about five miles from home). There, I've said it. That's what I'd like to do... But will I?? Can I get past all of my reservations and irritations with Christianity?
Wait, let me rephrase that- I'm not saying that I'm an honor student... Not exactly, anyway! I am "gifted" in few undesirable areas of life... (procrastination, anyone??) but let's not go there!
Well, although I'm not exactly an honor student, I do feel overqualified in my present position, and it has lead to some behavior issues... Namely, I seem to be late to work every night. I've always struggled with being prompt, but lately it's a losing battle. The truth is, I'm bored. I'm tired of my job.
Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of being able to bask in my boredom right now. Despite better than expected job growth numbers released by the government last month, the US economy is still bad. I can't afford to be flippant about my job or allow myself to indulge in the unsavory manifestations of boredom. I've got to get (and hold it) together! What to do, what to do.
My job is not good for my health. Research has shown as much- the graveyard schedule stinks. Night shift workers are fatter than day shift workers and have shorter life expectancies (nice). I also seem to have too much time on my hands every night- too few responsibilities and too little brain stimulation. This is a double-edged sword. The amount of time that I have means that I could be doing homework for an online Master's Degree right now (if I could figure out what to study and scrounge together funding for it). Or I could be doing any number of things. As it is, I've been coloring in an old Physiology coloring book. Some nights I take a Spanish for Health Care Providers book with me and peruse that, other nights I read up on Clinical Microbiology, and I always have an EKG book with me. I try to keep my activities relevant, but there are times when I end up knee-deep in "fluffy" magazines that the day time monitor tech has left in our work area. I know that my free time is a blessing if only I'll look at it that way, but it's hard being self motivated, and it's hard doing so when I'd rather be at home sleeping beside my husband.
I've been feeling as though this internal conflict were coming to a head... and lo and behold, it is. This morning I learned from the nursing manager that our jobs may be in jeopardy. We'll be logging our activities a little bit differently from now on so that upper management can see exactly what it is that we do. It's an important job, and the slow times are balanced by occasional critical incidents (someone dying- we're the first to know when a heart is in trouble!). This is welcome news for me- I welcome the opportunity to prove my worth. Then again, what if our positions cannot be salvaged?
Coincidentally, a friend of my husband's at work is looking for an administrative assistant. I took a series of tests at human resources last week in order to qualify (typing, MS Word, MS Excel). I passed the typing test but did a mediocre job on the rest... I've been a Mac user for several years now, so my Microsoft skills are a little bit soft. I'm assuming that the friend has received my scores and transfer request by now, but I haven't heard anything from him. I'm torn... Obviously, I'm ready for a change, and given what's happening with my current position, maybe now is the perfect time to jump ship. But on the other hand, do I really want to be an administrative support person? I could do it for a while, and it would be awesome to work days again (I could even carpool with Robert in the new car)... I might be able to use the position as a "jumping off" point for something else on the administrative end... It would be cool to have weekends off... But it's most definitely not my dream job!
So I don't know. I seem to be very angst riddled and gloomy this week. So much uncertainty. There are moments when I say to myself, "Hey, give it a go. What do you have to lose?!" but the thing is, what if I get into the nursing program at LA Harbor College next semester? I can make that work with night shift. There's plenty of time for studying, and I could probably trade and/or give up shifts in order to get enough sleep with my studies for two years. This other job? Not so much. But then of course I'm back to that age-old question again- do I want to be a nurse? In a specialty or with an advanced degree, yes. On a med-surg floor wiping poopie bottoms? Definitely not! AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm confused. I need sleep!
What else is on my mind? The new car we (well, my husband) just bought? A Mini Cooper. I still haven't ridden in it! It's not exactly the most baby friendly car on the market. So does his selection of this car signal that he really doesn't want a baby? I shouldn't read into things, and my own car is extremely baby friendly. I wish I could sort that out- will we or won't we? It's just one more thing on my mind.
Ah, yes, and to church or not to church... I'm leaning towards trying out one of the alternative services at Rolling Hills Covenant (it's a big church about five miles from home). There, I've said it. That's what I'd like to do... But will I?? Can I get past all of my reservations and irritations with Christianity?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Status Updates
The friend on Facebook who constantly spews Republican ideology seems to have gone off the deep end. He is now posting comments like this one:
"The Democrat Party has always been the racist party of America."
Seriously?? I don't get it. I don't get him. Because I know that he is a hard-core Christian, and because the ridiculous tie between the Republican Party and Christianity in the United States has much to do with why I left my church and didn't look back, I'm having a hard time. I so want to just write off all born-again Christians as imbeciles. That's not nice, but it's how I feel!
It's especially sad that this is my state of mind during the Easter holiday... A sacred time for all Christians. In fact, yesterday my friend (or should I say former friend/ ideological nemesis?) posted this:
"One Friday afternoon 2000 years ago, an innocent Jewish man was brutally murdered. His life, death, and resurrection would change the world forever."
I find myself wondering how much change Jesus really effected, if his staunchest supporters are so antagonistic. If his biggest fans can't follow him, how relevant was he? What an awful thing to write, but jeez. It's all the more frustrating that none of this individual's 500 other facebook friends have anything to say, aside from the occasional applause. Do they not see a disconnect between Republican politics and following a man who preached humility, accepting the down-trodden, and not having treasure on earth?? The two do not peacefully coexist!! I'm sorry, but they don't. They are diabolically opposed to one another. I see very little evidence of so called "family values" in Republican ideology. Condemning homosexuality and making a big stink about abortion are in my mind acts of fear and hatred... I sure don't see such behavior as supporting the family-- or at least that's no family that I want to be a part of.
Not that I think the Democratic Party is leaps and bounds ahead... But at least Democrats preach such things as social justice, environmentalism, etc... If Jesus walked the earth today, I suspect he would be a little bit more interested in causes like education and universal health care than tax cuts for the wealthy and "keeping our borders secure"-- just a suspicion!
It's a few hours later, and I've reread my post... And I wonder, referring to Christians: When did "we" and "us" become "they" and "them"? Was it a moment in time? Was it a process? When did "He" become "he" in my life? I'm not sure. I grieve as I read this, because it hurts me, but I can't believe. I can't be a part of what I see... What Christianity represents. I can't throw my lot in with people like my friend on facebook. I don't think I like him very much- or at least I don't like his facebook persona very much. It almost seems as though Christianity is a mask that people wear so that they can get away with their intolerance and so that they can live in blissful ignorance to certain realities... I don't know. I must explore further.
In other news, E joined us for dinner the other night and kept trying to convince us that we should take her along when we go for our honeymoon in a few months. She also tried to convince us to take her with us when we use a gift certificate that our neighbor got us for a nice restaurant in Palos Verdes (his wedding gift to us)... I don't think so! Not on either count. She wants to join us on our honeymoon because she can "really use a vacation"-- from what, pray tell? A vacation from the vacation that is her life? Once she's worked for a while, or carried a full load of classes as a college student, I think she'll be deserving of a vacation! Being sick of sharing a house with her mom and step-dad doesn't qualify.
She also told us that she wants to house-sit for us again- she enjoyed the privacy. I'm sure she did, but that also won't be happening any time soon. In fact, when we go for our honeymoon, I will make a point of asking my mother to house-sit. E doesn't seem to get that being responsible for a house is a big deal. When we return home from a single night away to find the plumbing system not working properly, it doesn't inspire confidence. Our home is our retreat. The grout on the floor in the bathroom is stained from the flooding that occurred, and the carpeting reeked for a week or so afterward as well. It's a big deal... I will think long and hard before allowing her the privilege again!
At dinner she also repeatedly made comments about how she doesn't have money. Again, I would like to say that I care, but until she is either (a) going to school, (b) working at least part time, or (c) working on overcoming her eating disorder, I don't care. She kept making comments about how she doesn't have money for gas, and how the oven, refrigerator, and computer are all broken at her moms' house... We offered to give her our convection toaster oven (we got a new one as a wedding gift) but she left the house without it. So I guess the need isn't as great as she wanted us to believe!
Her behavior is typical for a teenager... And that gives me pause about motherhood. I don't want to welcome another member into our family if it means that the balance will be thrown off. Things are working just fine the way they are. I don't want to deal with the selfishness of a child right now. No, not all kids are selfish, and usually they have enough redeeming qualities that you can overlook it (at least they have the cuteness factor going on when they're young) but still.... What if you get a child that you don't like?
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