State of Mind

Somehow I finished the first semester of the nursing program, working full time.  The sad thing is, that although I made it, I am so exhausted from my battles at work that I don't have peace.  My employer made things so very difficult for me that it has really left a bad taste in my mouth.  Couple that with the way that I observe nurses being treated, and I'm just not sure why I'm doing this.

So I passed the first semester, and am now a few weeks into the second...  I aced my first test, but it's hardly comforting.  As I sit here typing, I should be on my way to the hospital to select my two patients for tomorrow.  I'm just not motivated.

I suppose it would have helped if I had enjoyed my 6 weeks off over winter break, but too many trips to HR at work, and too many uncertainties until the eleventh hour made it tough.  Christmas was a bummer, I was so stressed out about everything.  My husband and I bought a tree but never got around to decorating it.  We didn't even see my stepdaughter until sometime in late January.  Her health has been so bad that it's a wonder she is still alive.   Her gifts sat in a pile on the floor for weeks, and our phone calls to her went unanswered.

I'm now 35 1/2, less than a month from my first wedding anniversary, and there are no plans for a baby.  My husband tells me, "Get through school first".  I try to explain to him that time is a luxury that we don't have, but he doesn't get it (doesn't want to get it, I guess).  At 50,  you would think he'd be a little bit more concerned.

I know that this is all doom and gloom...  Fortunately, there have been bright spots over the last few months.  My first semester instructor set up a learning experience for me during our last few weeks of class- I got to go into the OR and observe three surgeries.  Wow, I think that was the highlight of my year.  It was truly amazing.  And the anesthesiologist was amazing...  He really took me under his wing and made it an incredible learning experience.  Funny, I never told my instructor that I've been considering becoming a Nurse Anesthetist, but the experience seemed hand picked for it. 

On another positive note, I was accepted into the union-sponsored loan stipend program at work for the duration of the ADN program that I'm enrolled in.  This program enables employees to reduce their hours and get paid a stipend equivalent to 8 hours per week.  I've reduced from 40 to 20, but will be paid an additional 8 per week...  Not bad.  There is no limit on the number of times one can take advantage of this benefit, so it's possible that I could utilize it for a BSN and MSN as well.  We'll see...